7knots - feeling stuck

[7knots]

Thanks for the replies and guidance—it definitely helps. Since new years it’s been up & down. The thing that mainly irritated her about NYE was that I wouldn’t tell her who I went to new years with. She said a lot of manipulative things in the 2 days that followed and asked what we both could do to get back together. I ended up taking the bait and gave up that there was no one with me at new years. It wasn’t an important fact to me but it was immense to her so I let her have it. Big mistake. As soon as I told her that info she started closing back up. I saw the truth about an hour after the fact and even started poking about a few aspects. Sigh—she got me. I was disappointed in myself for a couple days after this then decided to just move on.
The days after that were pretty good. She got a virus. I went with a buddy to shoot pool one day when she was sick—decided she didn’t really need my help and my happiness was worth more. A week later I went to a work happy hour which I would have previously foregone since it ignores her and causes friction. Also one night D7 told me good night but not my W … which made W really mad. I saw it happen in real time and helped my daughter avoid a bigger blow up with a few quick words. That was for D not me or my W. All in all the events of the past week and half were calm and not focused on W.
Also in the past week I was able to separate the cell phones and billing. That was a huge pain in the rump dealing with the provider but it felt good to take control.
That takes me to today. All was good and I was planning some home repairs but wife convinced me to delay those plans to go to breweries with her. I was waffling whether I should skip and called my support person to get a second opinion. Support was busy so couldn’t talk. Called me back right as I was going into the house from taking D7 to a sleepover so I went back outside to talk for a few minutes. It turns out wife heard this and blew up. Called me then hopped in her suv and tracked me down the block to ask who I was talking to. I wouldn’t disclose—similar to original NYE. I just said it was none of her business. She went nuclear and drove off. Then called and we played 20 questions a couple times. Also, I got too focused on defending from disclosing my info too much to effectively validate her. She basically pointed this out in the convo. I stayed even keel emotionally even when she was screaming but I lost sight of this goal. In hindsight I was on the call far too long and never did disclose. I hung up once but felt bad hanging up when she called back—doh. She basically said it wasn’t fair that she answered all my questions about her affair to me but that I wouldn’t tell her who I talked to. I finally got off the phone. Then there were angry texts and more calls that I ended after 60 seconds—guess I learned.
Again, I find myself in a situation where the info I’m “protecting” doesn’t seem worth the cost/impact but the whole situation feels more about control and respect and testing than the specific info. My “support” was my mom (I know this violates one of the DB rules) so it definitely wasn’t cheating. This isn’t the battle I wanted (happened by accident) but I feel obligated to see it to the end to establish respect. I feel like she’s testing me and my strength. Curious if any disagrees or has general advice. I’m not scared of when she gets home tonight but I’m also not looking forward to it.

[MrP]

Hey, 7. My quick reaction is that standing your ground about not sharing specifically who you were talking to is the right path. You could say "I remain respectful of my marriage" or "I'm not a cheater" or something similarly simple that gets the point across. Others may have better suggestions.

Some might say that you flat out owe her nothing and that can also be true. To me, leaving her with an idea that you could be cheating doesn't seem productive. Confidently showing that you're living by your values is always fine IMHO. Beyond that, who specifically you spoke to isn't relevant.

You acknowledge a few spots where you could improve and that's a good sign of your awareness. Yes, talking with friends and family is not recommended. Not everyone has the luxury of an IC, priest, or other person outside their circle. Ultimately, you do what you need to do and as long as you're also able to self-soothe (not become overly reliant on others for comfort).

I'll think more about your most recent situation and be back on tomorrow if I anything potentially helpful comes to mind. I hope you can shift your perspective to other, positive topics tonight.

[7knots]

Thanks for the quick response P. I needed a second opinion/perspective. Somewhere in the overly long convo I did say that I did not violate a marriage vow in response to her asking who I talked to and allegations of me cheating on her. In hindsight I see how this phrasing could also have come off judgmental in a way I didn’t see in the moment … which I regret a little.

In order to get her off the phone I said we’d talk later but I’ve realized there’s really nothing to talk about. She doesn’t want to R and I dont want to disclose who I’m talking to. Convo closed (for now).

A couple other notes about the past two weeks. I read NMMNG. The crazy part is that I started reading to this summer/fall and thought it was silly and wrong at the time. When I read it last week I was shocked at how much I agreed with it and how much resonated with me. It was the first and closest “evidence” that I’ve been successful in making changes. There were one or two things in the book that still felt a small reach so I know I have more road to to travel. I literally could not have imagined it would have been possible to read the same book from that far different perspective.

One other comment is that the last three days/nights through yesterday W would cry at times. I would ask what was wrong once or twice each instance/day and then drop it. She never did share any of the three days.

[SteveLW]

You definitely have nice guy syndrome. She is verbally and written abusive to your and you put up with it.

"I refuse to be spoken to like this." Then hang up or walk away. Be firm. But angry it emotional, but firm. Turn off your phone or turn off notifications for calls and texts from her.

You are tolerating her disrespect and when you finally stand up for yourself (hanging up on her) you feel bad?!? Seriously??

7, you have no hope of ever successfully reconciling with this woman, nor should you!, until you command (notice not demand) her respect. You do that by refusing to tolerate disrespect from her.

The biggest problem is your make yourself too available to her. Be so busy you can't engage with her this long. "I have to go." Or "I have somewhere I need to be."

Do not apologize. Do not allow her to suck you in. Leave.

You simply cannot reconcile with a woman that doesn't respect you. It's impossible.

[Ready2Change]

Take all of your focus off of her and focus on changing the way you interact with her.

Focus your energy on doing things YOU want (or need) to do. GAL, personal growth etc.



1) Stop sharing any and all personal info with her, especially how you feel. Be mysterious. Every time you open your mouth, you loss. This is a high stakes poker game. Do not show any emotions. Be stoic and content at all times. STFU and let her miss you. Until she misses you, you have no chance of turning this around.


2) Women test men. When we arrive here, we have failed so many tests. Learn how to pass these test ASAP.


3) Get up to speed on seduction and attraction ASAP : Commanding respect, Social Proof etc.

4) Looks maxing, Hitting the Gym, dress more stylish etc.


Those are some of the low hanging fruit. Get a list going, prioritize it. Expand and clarify all the details.