Well it's been a few weeks. Not much new to report. I did go out with the girl I met on New Years. Just met for a quick drink. Maybe she was lying, but she had more issues and drama going on than I did. We haven't seen each other since and that's fine.
I've still been really busy doing stuff around the house, and son has been spending like 5 out of 7 nights with me. Although W moved into her townhouse this weekend, so we'll start following our custody schedule now. Days/nights I don't have him are kinda lonely. Despite staying busy, winter [censored] and there simply isn't a lot to do.
I've seen XW a few times (wrestling tournaments, drop offs, etc). We're friendly with each other, but I really have no feelings towards her anymore. I can't believe how well our son seems to be handling this. IDK if he ever says anything to her, but he really never mentions the D to me. But I know he feels guilty if he doesn't see one of us for a day or two.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Actually you should take your under age son to the store to pick out a small gift. She will likely return the favor on your birthday. Then you don’t put your son in a tough spot where he has nothing for his mom on her birthday. Always put your kids well being first.
Silly question for the crowd. I truly don't care what XW thinks or feels. Let me repeat, I truly don't care what XW thinks or feels. But I just thought of this and I'm curious about it.
A friend stopped over last night for a few beers. His W and my ex are close friends. So typically whatever I say to him, he tells his W, and she tells my ex. Anyway, he said that whenever his W, or anyone asks how I'm doing, he goes out of his way to say that I'm doing awesome, never been happier, etc. When his W hears that, she acts surprised, and I'll assume she tells my W.
For months during the D, my XW's mantra was 'we'll all be happier when were divorced'. Again, I don't care what she thinks, because it's meaningless. But does her hearing about how happy I am just reinforce her decision to destroy our family? Silly question, I know.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
XW's mantra was 'we'll all be happier when were divorced'.
Your state would likely be used as justification no matter what. If you were unhappy, she could point to that’s why she couldn’t stick around, as it was dragging her down. Your happiness can be twisted to her ends too, as you said, she can say/reinforce it was for the best.
Either way, a rock and a hard place. However,
“Surprisingly, I’m doing well.”
I found that captures the essence of the situation and one’s forward movement.
This is a journey we didn’t sign up for. And we can and should make the best of it.
Also, gives a differing than expected response to W’s binary happy/unhappy thinking. If she hears about it.
Have a great day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Son had a wrestling match on wednesday, and a tournament yesterday afternoon. Both were about 45 minutes from home. Since yesterday started early, I took a half day at work. Got there at 3pm, and didn't get home with him till 11pm. XW didn't make it to either. Wednesday she texted saying she's busy with work and unpacking. Apparently I must be Superman, since I still made all of his events when I moved. IDC if she ever comes to his games, matches, etc, but it absolutely bothers him. I've been making excuses for her for 7 years ('mom's tired, mom's sick, mom has to do x,y,z'). I'm tempted to be honest with him and simply say 'mom's selfish, lazy, and her job and wine are more important to her than anything', but I won't. Besides, I'm sure he's figured that out by now anyway.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Hi my friends. It's been a while, so thought I'd check in.
Things have been going pretty well I guess. Enjoying the times I have my son, and missing him when he's with her.
I've been chatting a bit with a girl I used to know years and years ago. We met up for a drink Saturday night. It was fine. No earth-shattering love connection or anything, but it was nice just sitting and hanging out with a female for a bit.
For some reason though, the last few days, I have been missing the ex. I suppose that's normal. She dropped him off yesterday and waved and gave a big smile. She's never been in my new house, so we haven't talked in person in probably a month.
So that's about it. Been a rough few weeks with son and I both being sick.
On a negative note, a coworker called last night and said his W told him this weekend she's filing for D. Sounds typical (drifted apart, not happy, etc). Anyway, I directed him here and to ordering D Busting, so be gentle with him. lol
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Are you missing your ex or the stability and routine marriage brings? Either way it’s honestly perfectly normal. It’s weird, I recently found out my ex may be moving states away and there would be no chance of really ever seeing her or running into her again. For a moment that brought a hollow feeling to my stomach. Don’t be to hard on yourself.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Are you missing your ex or the stability and routine marriage brings? Either way it’s honestly perfectly normal. It’s weird, I recently found out my ex may be moving states away and there would be no chance of really ever seeing her or running into her again. For a moment that brought a hollow feeling to my stomach. Don’t be to hard on yourself.
Both I guess. But probably more the routine and comfort.
Why's your ex moving?
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Yes, it’s normal to miss the way things, and who we once, were. The new routine, the new house, all takes time to become one’s now norm. Change, letting go, grieving of one’s old life and acceptance of one’s new, takes time.
Keep moving forward. Strengthen that which serves. Craft that which you aspire to. Find you, forge you, in this new landscape.
And do be gentle on yourself. There is grief with all this change. Bargaining. Depression. No magical way through it. No fast track. One can de-track themselves, only deferring until again later on. Lessons unlearnt, do and will repeat. Best to do it right/well the first time.
What did your custody schedule end up being?
Does son have a set of his stuff at your house? Toothbrush, comb, clothes, shoes, coats, game system, etc; so there is less “moving”; less living out of a suitcase. Some items, the game system for example, might take a while to have one in each of his houses.
His houses.
An interesting comment from some kids of a divorced coworker. Years ago, the four of us - him, I, and his kids - were out for a pizza supper. The two sisters, 5 and 8 years old, said they had two bedrooms. I commented, oh you each have your own room, thinking how big a house they live in. They replied, no we both have two bedrooms: one at Dad’s home, and one at Mom’s home. We have two homes.
I was profoundly struck at how well adapted and accepting that view is. How much more easily children “can” accept. They simply have two homes.
Anyhow, hope you have a great day T.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Yes, it’s normal to miss the way things, and who we once, were. The new routine, the new house, all takes time to become one’s now norm. Change, letting go, grieving of one’s old life and acceptance of one’s new, takes time.
Keep moving forward. Strengthen that which serves. Craft that which you aspire to. Find you, forge you, in this new landscape.
And do be gentle on yourself. There is grief with all this change. Bargaining. Depression. No magical way through it. No fast track. One can de-track themselves, only deferring until again later on. Lessons unlearnt, do and will repeat. Best to do it right/well the first time.
What did your custody schedule end up being?
Does son have a set of his stuff at your house? Toothbrush, comb, clothes, shoes, coats, game system, etc; so there is less “moving”; less living out of a suitcase. Some items, the game system for example, might take a while to have one in each of his houses.
His houses.
An interesting comment from some kids of a divorced coworker. Years ago, the four of us - him, I, and his kids - were out for a pizza supper. The two sisters, 5 and 8 years old, said they had two bedrooms. I commented, oh you each have your own room, thinking how big a house they live in. They replied, no we both have two bedrooms: one at Dad’s home, and one at Mom’s home. We have two homes.
I was profoundly struck at how well adapted and accepting that view is. How much more easily children “can” accept. They simply have two homes.
Anyhow, hope you have a great day T.
D
Thanks. Yeah, he pretty much has his same set up at both places (clothes, PS5's, toys, etc). He pretty much just brings his book bag and sports equipment back and forth.
The hardest part he's having, and it's something I didn't really anticipate, is HE feels guilty when he's not with one of us. Like, he's been sick and on antibiotics the last week. He's always been terrible at taking that medicine, so he wanted to spent the nights at her place. But she texted one night and asked me to call him and tell him it's ok if he stays there, cause he feels bad about not coming to my place. that's happened 2 or 3 times in the last 2 months.
Our custody is 50/50, but we haven't really stuck to the schedule yet. Between her living at her parents for a month, then getting moved into her place, he's been with me a lot. and since she basically refuses to take him to his practices, I have him more even though she's moved in now.
I guess I'm a pretty 'routine-oriented' person, and it's just been hard to get any type of consistency with anything. I'm sure it'll come in time though
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Hey T. I'm just popping my head up to say that this is all normal stuff. Transitions take time - as much time as they require. We can help by staying on our path of continued self-improvement, knowing that we're doing the right things as best we can. Sorry to hear you're son is sick and struggling a bit with guilt. We know it isn't his fault and there's no reason to feel guilty. I hope you can have a good heart-to-heart with him to listen to what he is experiencing.
I suspect you've still got some routines, at least ones that are within your control, that you provide some stability. Of course, you're also building new ones as you move through the transition that is D. Keep up the good work, one foot in front of the other, every day. Continue giving yourself and your son 100%. You'll know when you're not and luckily in most cases we get the next day to try again. All the best, P.
Hi folks. It's been over a month since I gave an update.
Not too much new to report. XW and I seem to be on pretty good terms as far as coparenting. 2 weekends ago I took son to his State wrestling tournament about 4 hours away. XW came the next day. We stayed at the same hotel, but different rooms. That was a little weird, but was ok.
Son seems to be doing well. I know it still bothers him going back and forth though.
As for me, things have been up and down. The first month or two after the D, I thought I was doing great. But really, I was just too busy to think/dwell on things. Busy with our son, busy with the new house, etc. But in the last few weeks, it seems reality has set in. I don't really have any feelings going on for XW, but I have been having a LOT of dreams about her. Good dreams, bad dreams. I guess that's normal, but it [censored] waking up sad or mad.
Anyway, a coworker is now going through the same thing. Married for over a decade, 2 young kids, and his W asked for a D because she's 'not happy'. I gave him my copy of Divorce Busting. Hope it helps him as it's helped us!
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Congratulations to son on the wrestling tournament. I enjoy seeing kids involved in activities other than their phone. lol.
The dreams come and go. It’s one’s subconscious declutterring, organizing, categorizing, etc. I find the dreams never really go away; I still dream about XW every now and then. I also dream about old gone pets and grandparents, my childhood, previous vacations, learning to drive, family camping, flying (like superman, not in a plane, though I have dreamt about being a pilot too), building my deck, my kids, my work and career, and on and on. My XW is a rather wee sliver of the landscape of my dreams.
Funny thing, I dreamt about her just before waking up this every morning. Like most dreams it was kind of odd. My Mom and daughter were in it too, and we were all back in my childhood home.
We were standing in the never-used front door area. It was a small approximately four by four foot area with a coat closet to the right upon entry and directly entering the living room to the left. We always used the back door as the front was for letting the dog in and out and retrieving the mail.
Anyhow, I awoke from my slumber, recalled the fond memories - yes that included XW (a benefit of forgiveness I suppose), got up, and when about my day. The likely reason for such subconscious mental stirrings - Easter weekend. The family is getting together here today for super and visiting.
It takes time. My personal guideline is about one year after divorce is finalized to settle. Each milestone (as applicable in situation and locale) - separating, legal separation, cooldown period, divorced signed by both parties, and divorce signed and finalized by courts/judge - takes a period of time to settle. For the fortunate, the process of reconciliation has milestones that also require time to find one’s balance and center.
Turns out, time is companion along our journey, not an adversary. Walk with time, walk with peaceful intent. In time, dreams no longer yield sad or mad.
Have a wonderful Easter.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
As I said before, XW and I are coparenting pretty well. But this last week has pissed me off some.
We have a 2-2-5 custody schedule, which we have yet to follow. That's mostly due to us moving during the first month, our work schedules, sons practice schedules and activities, etc. And that's been working pretty well for us. Historically, I work 7-3ish, and she works 9-5ish. This week she basically said that she can't leave work early every day to pick him up from school, and since I 'always get home at 2, I shouldn't have a problem getting him'. So basically, I leave work early and get him from school, take him to practice from 5-7, then drop him at her place after. Apparently it never crossed her mind that once divorced, she would have to adjust her precious work schedule (which she can easily do) to meet his needs.
Then, I got him from school yesterday, and she texted that she was picking him up at 5. I planned on having him all night. I said ok, and told him he would come to my place tomorrow (tonight). She texted this morning and said going back and forth is really bothering him, and he wants to stay at her place tonight. I wrote back and told her that's fine, but we need to start following the schedule.
I don't think she wants that, because it would mean she would have to adjust her schedule, start taking him to practices, etc. I hate to 'make' our son stay at one of our places if he doesn't want to on a particular night. But I also hate forcing him to decide where he wants to go every night.
Following the court ordered custody schedule is the right thing to do. But it's not always possible.
End rant
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Your rant started me thinking about my situation. Custody schedules feel offensive to me. More the very notion slams in your face a broken family. My W adopted a bunch of this verbiage from her divorced friends. Oh I understand the reasons. And the necessity in many situations. Perhaps yours is one of them. Consistency for children is so important.
My W started down that path some saying, “that way we can tell the kids and let the schedule be the bad guy.” If felt like a an excuse to avoid taking responsibility. She was avoiding having to say something like “D17, S12, I decided you are to stay with me these nights.”
Me…I feel a little unique and strange here. At least for now. I didn’t want to move mine from the only home they have every really known. D18 can make her own decisions, and isn’t planning on moving out any time soon. D17 is unlikely to ever want to move into any place W goes. This is her home. S12 is the only question in the future. Though, I don’t see that S12 would like it if his sisters were here on their own decision and he was forced to split time. The three siblings are a unit. In front of the mediator though we agreed to a notional schedule ... the mediator noted that despite what the paper said she saw we were going to adjust on the fly whatever we wanted to do.
For the most stability, W agreed they would stay with me in the home. The notional settlement just says they will stay with me since W doesn’t have a suitable place for kids. To keep it this way though, I have agreed that W can come to the home during my work hours on weekdays. Though it can be exhausting, I like having them fully. But I will not obstruct any time W wants to have them over and she believes me. So far she has not asked for them over.
The lawyer I consulted found this very rare. He said only once in 30 years has he seen this much focus been put on stability for the children. I didn’t tell him I wanted it just as much for me and at lest for now am willing to take the damage of W in the home.
We’ll see what she thinks in six months or a year. Or if she can achieve a “suitable place” for them to also reside.
We'll see what I feel about the daytime home sharing also.
g
H:54 W:50 D19, D17, S12 ILYBINILWY 3/23 DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23 DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-5 & W moves out 8/23 – 3/24 Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
Hey, T. Understandable that you'd be frustrated by your XW not adhering to your custody arrangement. As we say, accountability is their kryptonite, especially when a legal agreement is likely involved.
I appreciate you sharing your arrangement. If my D goes through, I am thinking about what is best for my D13. She seems to want to stay at both places and, to me, it is important that she do so. When my parents divorced, my father made me go to my mother's, even when I didn't want to. Now, it might have been as much for him to get a "break" as his belief that my feelings about my mom were fleeting and I needed to experience both parents. Either way, it helped me see more about both parents, understand how they were unlikely to have been incompatible in the long run, and appreciate the pros/cons of living with either. From that experience, I'd say kids see and hear more than we think. And, they apply it later in life in how they choose to relate to each parent.
Keep doing what is best for you and your kids. Have faith in that guiding principle. If their free will (or bad judgment) pulls them to your XW, so be it. You'll have done the best you could. And, I suspect they'll see that and respond accordingly.
Thanks guys. Yeah I'm not sure what the best answer is. XW and I honestly (I think) are trying to do what is in sons best interest. But I also think it's putting a lot of pressure on him.
He stayed with me Sunday and Monday, and XW picked him up yesterday evening. I probably won't see him again till Friday. There is nothing more heartbreaking than him leaving, knowing I won't see him again for a few days. I hate to say it, in a small way it's nice to get a little break, but it's also really depressing.
MrP, i haven't been up to much. I think I said before, the first 2 months of this were actually easy, due to being so damn busy with the house, sons activities, etc. Now things have slowed down and reality has set in. It's weird, in a way all of this feels somehow 'temporary'.
I've met and went out with a girl a few times. Am I ready to date? I don't know. Probably not. But the alternative to going to dinner or something with her is going out to bars with my alcoholic friends. I really need to refocus on my health (mental and physical), and also not blowing money.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
I get it, T. Company is good and, if you've got your mind in the right place, the gender of the company doesn't matter. And, especially in the evenings, options for social engagement can be limited and many involve blowing money and drinking.
I've been keeping an eye out for cultural events that are open to the public as an alternative. It can be a great way to mix things up with a new crowd that has at least one interest in common with me. I've also had some co-workers and neighbors bugging me about hanging out so I've finally taken them up on those offers. Much like 180s, you just have to proactively keep trying to identify different alternatives, ideally things you've wanted to try but haven't or things that you know you'd enjoy and take it from there. I may have said this once before...and heard it from a former counselor...it is also important to be able to self-soothe and spend time alone without relying on others for comfort or company. That is one of the best pieces of guidance I'd ever received and I've made major progress on it since then.
Indeed I also understand what you mean by things feeling "temporary" or surreal in some ways in our situations. For me, it has helped to just revisit my short- and long-term goals and make sure I'm making progress on things like retirement (+10 years out), relationships with family and friends, mapping out what D13 has coming our way over the next few years approaching high school and college. Phew. That generates enough to keep my mind and body busy alone!
Anyway, good to hear your update and looking forward to more down the road. Take care. P
Hi folks. Hope you're all well! It's been almost 2 months since my last post, so thought I'd just check in with everyone.
Life is rolling along. XW and I continue to coparent reasonably well. Son has been doing fine, although it still bothers him going back and forth, and not really having a set schedule. He also seems a little bummed out that in a few weeks it'll be his first birthday since the D.
My mental state has been pretty good I guess. I still find myself thinking about XW a lot. Not really missing her, but just missing the former life. I suppose the first year is the hardest, since every date/event now is the 'first time' (birthdays, 4th of July, etc).
I've been seeing a girl that last month or two. It isn't/wasn't serious. We haven't had sex or anything yet. But things are progressing. Sometimes I feel a little too quickly. But she's really cool, understanding, and most importantly, seems to really like me.
Two of my best friends (husband and wife), and my brother and his gf have booked a cruise over New Years. They've begged me to go with them, and have mentioned it several times to the girl I'm seeing. She is totally into it. That's good, but a little scary. We still have several months to see what happens.
Anyway, hope all is well with everyone!
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
I found that first year to be tough. And kids do as well. All those special dates, the first Christmas, birthday, new years, valentines, etc; after BD, then after separation, then after divorce. Well, a few first “first” ones, right?
Such is grief. We grieve the loss of our old normal and find acceptance of our new normal.
I experienced a likewise depression and “firsts” after the death of my grandparents years ago, and now, present day, my cousin as well. And will again with my parents and other losses. It’s perfectly healthy and normal. Not a complete list of my losses by any stretch, just illustrating the similarity of the grief process is all. The amplitude and duration of one’s grief, ah, that is/was quite a bit larger for the martial situation.
Life is full of loss/change events and the corresponding grief. Even positive change, example retirement, has a loss component. Loss of camaraderie, loss of routine, loss of idiot bosses (haha), and so on. Some losses are much quicker to find acceptance with.
Big stuff like divorce, my advice is no major changes for one year. Let all those firsts be assimilated and experienced. Let all that settle. That’s one year after signing and stamped by the courts. A year for the ink to dry. Signed and finalized is definitely new/different/more than legally separated.
Originally Posted by Terapin
My mental state has been pretty good I guess. I still find myself thinking about XW a lot. Not really missing her, but just missing the former life.
Yep.
Coming up on seven years and I still think of my XW. She’s the mother of our children. We were together for 31 years. We didn’t/don’t even coparent, like you are doing. I had sole custody.
You don’t forget. You find peace with it.
As in: My mental state is good. Really good. I do think about XW every now and then. I do miss her, and the life I had. I absolutely love the life I do have!
There is not buts about it. No “buts”, no justifications, no building exceptions to the rule. I just live it.
Acceptance, peace, contentment, it comes. It takes time. One day you simply realize it. No I guess, no buts, just are, just is.
Same for dating, or being ready to. Discover you before discovering someone else. There will be no guesswork when you are truly ready.
Have a great day T.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Great to read your update, T. It sounds like great progress overall. When you've put a lot into a relationship, of course, you'll continue to reflect on it for a while. What went wrong? What went right? How to have better relationships in the future? As DnJ suggests, take the first year in stride. You continue to be careful about dating and as long as that is the case a bit of companionship and fun can be helpful.
Glad to hear co-parenting is going well too. Having to see a former spouse like that can be challenging I expect. As you've shown before, your focus is doing the best you can for your son as his year of "firsts" will be difficult too.
The trip sounds like a nice diversion. I hope it works out!
Hi everyone. Wow, hard to believe it's been over 3 months since I've posted. Life's been crazy I guess. Just wanted to check in and say hello.
Overall things have been pretty good. I've been dating a girl for a few months now. She's been great. Almost a 180 from XW. She's supportive, physically into me, sweet, etc. It does bother her that we only get to see each other a day or two a week, mostly due to my son. But for now, that's like perfect for me. Not sure I could or would commit to much more at this time. I tore my MCL playing baseball, but still trying to play through it. lol. She's came to every game to watch. XW I think came to 3 games in 10 years.
Son is busy with football now, plus wrestling practices. He's seemingly adjusted to everything pretty well. He does seem a little sad at times, but that's to be expected I guess. I typically have him more than 50% of the time. It was great in the summer, since at my house he can swim, ride bikes, shoot hoops, etc etc.
XW and I continue to coparent pretty well I think. She's still very uninvolved with his sports. He's had 4 football games, and she hasn't made any of them. Hasn't come to any meetings, parents nights, hasn't volunteered with anything. Always 'busy' with work, sick, or whatever other excuse she can come up with. She still texts me usually every day. 95% of the time it's related to our son, but the last few weeks she's texted a few times about stupid small talk crap. I rarely reply, and if I do it's a one word answer.
I unfriended her on facebook the day of the divorce. A friend and I were out for drinks last week, and he said she's posted a few things on her page about how the dating market [censored], how hard it is being a single parent, etc. lol. Apparently she was too dumb to realize all that last year. Whatever. She's aware of me involved with this new girl, and has made a few snide comments about it to mutual friends. Nothing nasty, just stuff like 'well that didn't take long', 'he sure moved on quick', etc
Anyhow, that's about it for now. Sorry I've been MIA, but I'm going to be around more often. Hope everyone is well.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Hey T. Injuries are frustrating. Softball and flag football did a number on me a few years back so I've taken to sparingly doing much more than basketball and some free weights these days. I hope you heal up quickly.
As is often the caution in these pages, enjoy the moment with the new lady in your life. I'm sure you've read past forums on the amount of time recommended between the Big D and another, serious relationship. As you and DnJ have suggested, you're still decompressing from that lengthy experience and tethered to XW through parenting. So, have fun, stay focused on yourself and being the best dad possible, and just enjoy the ride for a bit.
Hearing what XW commented to your mutual friends is unsurprising. They have to say those things to reassure themselves THEY were in the right....to reinforce that their decisions was right and their former spouse the sole cause of the D, especially when 1) hearing you're OK and 2) worrying you may be doing "better" than they are. It isn't a competition. Your lives on on separate paths now. You are the prize that got away!
Thanks guys. Quick question, which I probably already know the answer to.
XW rarely attends any of our sons sporting events. It's been this way for years. Either she was working, stressed from working, tired from working, didn't want to have to chat with other parents, etc, etc. Meanwhile, in 8 years and literally hundreds of football games, wrestling tournaments, basketball games, etc, I've never missed any. Not a single one. She also never attends parent meetings, never does required volunteering, never sells tickets, etc. It's all me.
Anyway, he's had 5 football games in the last month, and she's attended zero. I know it bothers our son, especially when his friends/teammates have everyone on their family tree in attendance, and he has only me and sometimes my parents. Is this something I should mention to her? It pisses me off to no end that she puts work and her own hobbies (sleeping, drinking wine, shopping) over our son. I obviously can't do anything about it, but I'm so tempted to tell her how pathetic I, him, and everyone else thinks it is
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Hey T. Injuries are frustrating. Softball and flag football did a number on me a few years back so I've taken to sparingly doing much more than basketball and some free weights these days. I hope you heal up quickly.
As is often the caution in these pages, enjoy the moment with the new lady in your life. I'm sure you've read past forums on the amount of time recommended between the Big D and another, serious relationship. As you and DnJ have suggested, you're still decompressing from that lengthy experience and tethered to XW through parenting. So, have fun, stay focused on yourself and being the best dad possible, and just enjoy the ride for a bit.
Hearing what XW commented to your mutual friends is unsurprising. They have to say those things to reassure themselves THEY were in the right....to reinforce that their decisions was right and their former spouse the sole cause of the D, especially when 1) hearing you're OK and 2) worrying you may be doing "better" than they are. It isn't a competition. Your lives on on separate paths now. You are the prize that got away!
Looking forward to the next update. Be well!
Yes, dating without waiting an adequate amount of time hasn't been easy. The new girl is great, but she does often make comments about wanting to spend more time together, or gets upset when I have to change plans due to custody issues. I know it's tough on her, but there's not much I can do about it. There's only 7 days in a week.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Quick question, which I probably already know the answer to.
Yes, I suspect you do.
Originally Posted by Terapin
XW rarely attends any of our sons sporting events. It's been this way for years. Either she was working, stressed from working, tired from working, didn't want to have to chat with other parents, etc, etc. Meanwhile, in 8 years and literally hundreds of football games, wrestling tournaments, basketball games, etc, I've never missed any. Not a single one. She also never attends parent meetings, never does required volunteering, never sells tickets, etc. It's all me.
Anyway, he's had 5 football games in the last month, and she's attended zero. I know it bothers our son, especially when his friends/teammates have everyone on their family tree in attendance, and he has only me and sometimes my parents. Is this something I should mention to her? It pisses me off to no end that she puts work and her own hobbies (sleeping, drinking wine, shopping) over our son. I obviously can't do anything about it, but I'm so tempted to tell her how pathetic I, him, and everyone else thinks it is.
How do you know it bothers your son? Does he talk about it? Mentioned it?
Originally Posted by Terapin
It pisses me off to no end…
Are your feelings amplifying your vision of things?
Originally Posted by Terapin
I obviously can't do anything about it…
Correct!
Although, what do you mean by “it”?
Quote
I obviously can't do anything about itmaking XW do what I consider to be the right thing.
T, you cannot control XW. Or anyone. Only you. And there is lay your answer.
Originally Posted by Terapin
Is this something I should mention to her?
No.
So what to do?
I suspect son does speak with and confide in you about his disappointment with his Mom. Validate his feelings. And do not demonize his Mom.
Speak with son. Age appropriately. Speak of control. Speak of rights and choice. Mom controls her actions. She has the right/choice to attend or not.
And son has choice as well. He can tell her his feelings.
During your and son’s conversation, possibilities and probabilities will come up. What is the likely outcome of his mentioning his disappointment to Mom? Would she start to attend? Would son want her to attend in that manner? Or would he rather have her attend from a more sincere desire to be there?
Cannot control her.
It’s a difficult conversation/leading/gently steering. Kids do find acceptance though. Which starts with discussing their feelings. Rationalizing their feelings. After all, acceptance is emotional understanding.
Neither you nor son can control Mom being there. However, you both can control/endeavour to accept. To let go that which you cannot control. To influence, positively, if and when/where appropriate. To be better, not bitter.
Yes, tall order. And a worthy one.
My goodness, if I had gotten p!ssed off all the times XW did (or didn’t do) stuff… Gosh, I’d have had a stroke! Let go. Focus on you. Focus on what’s important. You and son!
Focus on being the best version of you. You allowing yourself to get riled up from XW’s shenanigans does not serve you.
Son, focus on football. On practice. On doing his best. Regardless of who’s watching. And focus on being a kids. Have fun! Enjoying the games. Focusing on why his is doing it. The real reason. Happiness comes from within.
I suspect son is not yet ready to tell Mom his feelings. He cannot dare risk losing her, yet. In time, he will grow. In time, he will speak up to her.
Acknowledge son. Listen to son. Tell him you understand and love him. Absolutely love him! Continue being the strong stable parent.
Have a great Sunday.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Quick question, which I probably already know the answer to.
Yes, I suspect you do.
Originally Posted by Terapin
XW rarely attends any of our sons sporting events. It's been this way for years. Either she was working, stressed from working, tired from working, didn't want to have to chat with other parents, etc, etc. Meanwhile, in 8 years and literally hundreds of football games, wrestling tournaments, basketball games, etc, I've never missed any. Not a single one. She also never attends parent meetings, never does required volunteering, never sells tickets, etc. It's all me.
Anyway, he's had 5 football games in the last month, and she's attended zero. I know it bothers our son, especially when his friends/teammates have everyone on their family tree in attendance, and he has only me and sometimes my parents. Is this something I should mention to her? It pisses me off to no end that she puts work and her own hobbies (sleeping, drinking wine, shopping) over our son. I obviously can't do anything about it, but I'm so tempted to tell her how pathetic I, him, and everyone else thinks it is.
How do you know it bothers your son? Does he talk about it? Mentioned it?
Originally Posted by Terapin
It pisses me off to no end…
Are your feelings amplifying your vision of things?
Originally Posted by Terapin
I obviously can't do anything about it…
Correct!
Although, what do you mean by “it”?
Quote
I obviously can't do anything about itmaking XW do what I consider to be the right thing.
T, you cannot control XW. Or anyone. Only you. And there is lay your answer.
Originally Posted by Terapin
Is this something I should mention to her?
No.
So what to do?
I suspect son does speak with and confide in you about his disappointment with his Mom. Validate his feelings. And do not demonize his Mom.
Speak with son. Age appropriately. Speak of control. Speak of rights and choice. Mom controls her actions. She has the right/choice to attend or not.
And son has choice as well. He can tell her his feelings.
During your and son’s conversation, possibilities and probabilities will come up. What is the likely outcome of his mentioning his disappointment to Mom? Would she start to attend? Would son want her to attend in that manner? Or would he rather have her attend from a more sincere desire to be there?
Cannot control her.
It’s a difficult conversation/leading/gently steering. Kids do find acceptance though. Which starts with discussing their feelings. Rationalizing their feelings. After all, acceptance is emotional understanding.
Neither you nor son can control Mom being there. However, you both can control/endeavour to accept. To let go that which you cannot control. To influence, positively, if and when/where appropriate. To be better, not bitter.
Yes, tall order. And a worthy one.
My goodness, if I had gotten p!ssed off all the times XW did (or didn’t do) stuff… Gosh, I’d have had a stroke! Let go. Focus on you. Focus on what’s important. You and son!
Focus on being the best version of you. You allowing yourself to get riled up from XW’s shenanigans does not serve you.
Son, focus on football. On practice. On doing his best. Regardless of who’s watching. And focus on being a kids. Have fun! Enjoying the games. Focusing on why his is doing it. The real reason. Happiness comes from within.
I suspect son is not yet ready to tell Mom his feelings. He cannot dare risk losing her, yet. In time, he will grow. In time, he will speak up to her.
Acknowledge son. Listen to son. Tell him you understand and love him. Absolutely love him! Continue being the strong stable parent.
Have a great Sunday.
D
Thanks D. As usual, you're right!
My son rarely opens up about much of anything, at least with me. Maybe he does with mom, IDK. He's always been a pretty quiet, shy kid. But he used to make little comments about mom not coming to watch him wrestle, or he'd ask why she's not there. That was when we were married. The first wrestling tournament he won, he was sad afterwards because she wasn't there to see it. Recently he'll ask me if mom was at the game. i just say 'I don't know, I didn't see her'.
You're right, there's nothing I can do about it. Perhaps years ago I should have talked to her about it. Hell, I remember when we were in marriage counseling 6 years ago, and we brought son to one of the sessions. The therapist asked him if there's anything dad could do better, or you'd like him to do, what would it be? He sat there for about a minute, and finally answered 'I think he swears too much'. Then she asked the same about XW, and without hesitation he said 'I wish she'd spend more time with me.' I would be f'n mortified if my only child said that about me, but it didn't faze her one bit, and nothing's every really changed. Oh well.
But aside from how it affects our son, it affects me too, as i'm the one taking him to practices and games, volunteering, selling tickets, going to meetings, etc. I don't really think that's fair
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Hi folks. Hope everyone is well. Just wanted to give a quick check in.
Things have been ok I guess. Son is good. I"m still seeing the same girl, and that's (usually) going well.
I know this is a marriage forum, not a relationship forum, but I've been struggling with something.
I've been dating this girl for about 7 or 8 months now. I didn't consider it all that serious, but I guess it's getting to that point. I don't know how far it can progress, cause at this point I can't see myself getting married again. Anyway, she has only met my son like twice, and both times were social situations with a lot of people. I have told him a little about her. She's been pushing to be involved in his life. I guess I kinda been holding off on it for a few reasons (unsure of long term potential, unsure how to go about it, unsure how he'll take it, etc).
So XW comes to pick him up last week, and a different vehicle pulls in my driveway. I told son that that isn't mom, and he said it's mom's friend. She was in the car too, and they were going to her parents for Thanksgiving. Some dude with an out of state license plate, pulls into my driveway, and picks up my son to go to my former in laws for Thanksgiving dinner. I wasn't very happy.
Obviously, it's none of my business who she dates (unless it's bad for our son). But to have this tool come to my house? Plus, as I said, I've been holding off my GF getting to know my son, cause I assumed it's best to wait for a while. Meanwhile, she couldn't have been with this dude for more than two months, and he's already involved in my sons life? I texted her and told her not to bring a guy to my house to pick up our son again. I know, bad move. She wrote back and said that he's a part of her life now, our son and her parents have met him, etc.
Am I crazy? lol
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
I've been dating this girl for about 7 or 8 months now.
This is a long time to be dating for it not to be serious unless you are BOTH in agreement that it is just casual.
Originally Posted by Terapin
I didn't consider it all that serious, but I guess it's getting to that point. I don't know how far it can progress, cause at this point I can't see myself getting married again.
Have you communicated your feelings about this to her? Most middle age women will not stick around unless they see a future.
Originally Posted by Terapin
Anyway, she has only met my son like twice, and both times were social situations with a lot of people. I have told him a little about her. She's been pushing to be involved in his life. I guess I kinda been holding off on it for a few reasons (unsure of long term potential, unsure how to go about it, unsure how he'll take it, etc).
Ask him. How do you feel about Dad having a GF? Would you like to do things together with her etc.
Originally Posted by Terapin
I wasn't very happy.
Originally Posted by Terapin
Obviously, it's none of my business who she dates (unless it's bad for our son). But to have this tool come to my house?
You will slowly start to learn that your have absolutely no control of anything she does.
Originally Posted by Terapin
Plus, as I said, I've been holding off my GF getting to know my son, cause I assumed it's best to wait for a while.
That's how you feel. She feels different.
Originally Posted by Terapin
Meanwhile, she couldn't have been with this dude for more than two months, and he's already involved in my sons life?
How do you know how long she has been with him?
Originally Posted by Terapin
I texted her and told her not to bring a guy to my house to pick up our son again. I know, bad move.
Dig down deep about why this bothers you so much.
Originally Posted by Terapin
She wrote back and said that he's a part of her life now, our son and her parents have met him, etc.
In other words "get used to it"
Originally Posted by Terapin
Am I crazy? lol
You are only crazy if you think you can control anything she does moving forward.
I don't know how long they've been 'dating'. But what mutual friends have said, she was completely single as of a few months ago. Then started dating a guy. Now is with this guy, who again, lives 4 hours away. Why bring a guy who lives 4 hours away around our son?
It bothers me that she seemingly has little regard for anyone or anything, other than herself. And that's fine, until it effects our son. 3 weeks ago she said she was going out of town for a 4 day weekend. She went to be with this guy. Does that bother me? Not really. What does bother me is that in those 4 days, she never once even texted our son to ask how he was doing, despite him wrestling two days in a big tournament.
It also bothers me that she would have this dude, who I never met, pull in my driveway to pick up our son. And what kind of loser would agree to do that? If I would have met the guy in advance, or even knew about him being in the picture, that would be different.
Again, those reasons are petty and stupid, I know. IDK why it makes me so mad to be honest.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
It bothers me that she seemingly has little regard for anyone or anything, other than herself.
Welcome to the world of the WAW. I use to joke my ex-wife was like Godzilla trampling everything in her path to get what she wants for herself. It won't last forever she will calm down again and take other peoples feelings into consideration. Right now she is like a fat kid in a candy store who hasn't eaten in days.
Originally Posted by Terapin
Again, those reasons are petty and stupid, I know. IDK why it makes me so mad to be honest.
I know the answer but I don't think you are going to like it.
It bothers me that she seemingly has little regard for anyone or anything, other than herself.
Welcome to the world of the WAW. I use to joke my ex-wife was like Godzilla trampling everything in her path to get what she wants for herself. It won't last forever she will calm down again and take other peoples feelings into consideration. Right now she is like a fat kid in a candy store who hasn't eaten in days.
Originally Posted by Terapin
Again, those reasons are petty and stupid, I know. IDK why it makes me so mad to be honest.
I know the answer but I don't think you are going to like it.
Ok, let's hear it. lol.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
She's moved on and the family that you once had is most likely gone forever. That is often a hard pill to swallow. Couple that with the fact that you haven't found the right person yet so your future is unclear. This is all normal and will fade in time. Unfortunately in this game of life there are no shortcuts. You will feel indifferent one day.
She's moved on and the family that you once had is most likely gone forever. That is often a hard pill to swallow. Couple that with the fact that you haven't found the right person yet so your future is unclear. This is all normal and will fade in time. Unfortunately in this game of life there are no shortcuts. You will feel indifferent one day.
That certainly may be possible. I guess trying to deal with everything (divorce, moving, etc, etc), the thought of another guy in my sons life didn't cross my mind that often.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
