Good luck to you. I also get all the blame for my H affair currently. He has just started to say he has made mistakes. When he does though it is always followed with a "but if you wouldn't have..." or "you played a part in it too"
Hey Misty. Sorry to hear about your situation and glad you found your way here. Given you are here and picking up a copy of MWDs books, I'd expect you're interested in divorce-busting. So, starting a relationship with another man sounds inconsistent with DBing to me. It stinks that your H is seeing someone else. As the saying goes though, the problem with trading an eye for an eye is that both people end up blind. Two wrongs don't make a right. Pick your cliche.
Put in DB terms, how would you having an affair, or event starting an emotional enmeshment with this other man, serve you in terms of goals associated with particpating in a divorce-busting forum?It feels to me like trying to hedge your gets by building up a side relationship while waiting to see where your M is going. If your kids were old enough to understand, how might they look at what you're proposing to do?
I say this because going through my own process, I've had women hit on me when out on my own, ex-girlfriends resurface at events with mutual friends, etc. and the best guide for me has been "what would my daughter think"? As much as an ego stroke as it can be to have someone attracted to you, giving in to cheating (at any level) is the cheap and easy thing to do IMHO.
Psychologically we need time to recover from whatever occurs in our current marital relationship. Introducing another "third" into the two person relationship between a H and W just muddies the already conflict-filled water. This process takes patience, lots of patience, if your goal really is to bust a divorce. Perhaps that not really what you want do and that is 100% fine (to decide to move on). If you're not already doing so, i'd encourage you to find a good therapist to hash things out with to discern where you're really at with saving your marriage or not. It might help you figure out more quickly where best to put your energy....for your own benefit and the benefit of your kids. Just my opinion and you know what they say about opinions!
H saw OW a handful of times over Christmas. During this time he could be angry and cold towards me but also so passionate it was like the very first time.
A week after she left, he was back home and we started to settle a bit into a new dynamic. He then dropped the bombshell that he felt closer to me than he had in years. Since before the issues we'd had 4 years previous. Apparently he'd never quite felt the same after I'd threatened to leave and he had a breakdown. He put up barriers to stop being hurt again. I had no idea, he seemed just the same.
He then went mad when I said I'd been talking to someone else. The previous week he was insistent he wasn't jealous of me being with someone else and hoped I'd find someone nice. It was a complete turnaround. He said he couldn't stand the thought of it when we'd had such a good week,
Since then, he can't do enough for me but still plans to leave. He said a few days ago he is still in love with me and deeply cares for me but thinks it's unfair to stay as he is 'in love' with OW. Plus I've told too many people he's a cheat and left me for someone else. Tellingly he then said he felt 'What option do I have, we can't go backwards?' and 'I've made my bed and I need to lie in it'. Very much sounded like he has serious doubts. The description of the emotional distancer sounded very much like him - no capacity to change regardless of changing circumstances.
The more I've been talking to friends about it, the more they have pointed out instances where he's blamed me unfairly and I realise it's a standard pattern. He can't see issues from anyone else's perspective other than his own and will ask the same questions over and over like he's looking for me to give him a different answer. If I do answer differently, then he accuses me of being a liar all along. I also analyse situations and look at them with the benefit of hindsight whereas he is taken right back to that moment and feels like it's happening to him now. I can then see things differently - through different perspectives/the bigger picture but he sees it as me 'changing my story'.
In quieter moments, he fully admits his guilt over the affair and can talk rationally, even admitting that it's entirely his problem that he can't see issues rationally. But when the anger rises, as it usually does, he's straight back into defensive, childish mode, blaming and goading me.
Thanks for that, lots of food for thought. I've only just come across this forum and I'm feeling my way through.
Ultimately I'd like to save my marriage but I have little hope it can be saved so yes, I am hedging my bets because I don't to miss someone who might be right for me if this ultimately isn't salvageable anyway. Especially if it could take years.
I do realise that I need time in between to grieve the marriage, recover from the affair and build a new life for myself and my boys. I'm absolutely terrified of being alone, having never lived alone before and I'm at risk of becoming homeless with a flimsy support network around me. I felt worthless and I was seeking validation and comfort through the attentions of someone else.
My kids are fully aware that dad has a new woman and have been making jokes about me getting a new man too. I have talked to them about how they feel about it, as has their dad. Dad has told them it's natural to fall out of love with someone and in love with someone else.
I guess I also don't see it as cheating as we are now separated too, even though we still live together for the next month or two. I know it's technically adultery as we are not yet divorced but we are in the UK so the religious aspect is much less important.
I'm absolutely terrified of being alone, having never lived alone before and I'm at risk of becoming homeless with a flimsy support network around me. I felt worthless and I was seeking validation and comfort through the attentions of someone else.
A lot of folks have a codependent relationship. An excessive emotional dependence upon the other person. Seeking validation and comfort through someone else. Get to where you don’t need/seek that.
You are worthy and valid as a person. On your own! No external definition required.
Those that choose to be around you, and you choose to be around, will see that. Will know that. (It starts with you though.)
Fear of being alone. Flimsy support network. Risk of becoming homeless. Things you can, and should, work on. Focus on you. Focus on course correcting these. Take purposefully steps, logical rational steps to address these.
Take stock, and organize your life. Anyone can be taken from us at any moment. Not just divorce, affairs, MLC, and such; life is a terminal thing after all.
Figure out your finances. Can you, alone, pay the bills? Is H currently contributing?
Originally Posted by MistyDD
OW then returns at Christmas, he takes the first opportunity to go and see her, behind my back. I throw him out and he's in a new relationship the very next day.
I've got two heartbroken kids aged 11 and 13 who found out on Christmas Eve dad was leaving for someone else. He spent a week or so living in hotels and is now back home whilst we sort out the finances for him to move out. We don't own our home and he'll be moving into a room in a shared house.
Originally Posted by MistyDD
H is due to be moving out in a month or so.
If/when H leaves, have a legal separation agreement in place. You talk to a lawyer. Soon. Get information. Know where you stand, and what you’re entitled to. Get things organized and set up, so if/when you have to pull the trigger you’re ready to do so.
I suspect both you and H are working full time. Do you have a separate individual bank account? If not, get one started. Have your pay directly deposited into it. Pay things, your portion, out of your funds. Take charge of your finances.
Originally Posted by MistyDD
he then said he felt 'What option do I have, we can't go backwards?' and 'I've made my bed and I need to lie in it'.
Originally Posted by MistyDD
In quieter moments, he fully admits his guilt over the affair and can talk rationally, even admitting that it's entirely his problem that he can't see issues rationally.
During one of H’s lucid moments you could simply state: Yes, we cannot go backwards. However, we can go forward.
Just a wee statement. Something for H to maybe mull over. A flicker that all is not dark.
Originally Posted by MistyDD
But when the anger rises, as it usually does, he's straight back into defensive, childish mode, blaming and goading me.
Yep. Don’t take his bait. Just walk away.
Folks in crisis are emotionally driven and have the attention span of a gnat. Keep conversations short and to the point. And even then, expect zero.
Unmet expectations lead to resentments. And resentment is acid to a relationship. H currently will not meet expectations. Dial your expectations to zero. Even negative expectations. For example, if you expect H to not do something you ask, like he always does, forgetting or ignoring or whatever. Yet, this time he actually does it. That unmet expectations - albeit the outcome was a positive one - leads to an internal resentment towards H.
Expect nothing is akin to expect anything. A pretty good viewpoint to have when dealing with a MLCer.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Remove yourself from the situation and look at it from outside.
Imagine your best girlfriend told you her husband had an affair. Her husband’s affair woman then dumps his a**. Then she tells you this:
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A week after she left, he was back home and we started to settle a bit into a new dynamic. He then dropped the bombshell that he felt closer to me than he had in years.
What would you say to her? What advice would you give?
This is what I’d say:
“What a load of BS. He said that because he got dumped by plan A and he needed to fall back on his backup plan while searching for plan B.”
Are you okay being someone’s backup plan Misty? I’d have thrown his belongings onto the sidewalk.
“…he felt closer to me than he had in years.”
GIVE. ME. A. BREAK. 🙄🙄🙄 You couldn’t make this stuff up.
I can pay the bills alone, yes and H is contributing.
I’m trying to build a stronger support network. Housing I can’t do much with as I can’t buy a house or access social housing so I’m at the mercy of private landlords.
We do both work full time. I’ve got a new bank account and all household bills are now coming out of that.
He is aware that I would take him back. He thinks marriages can’t be saved after affairs though .
This is a big problem. There’s no motivation for him to get his act together because he knows he has his backup plan firmly in his back pocket. Maybe you need to flip the script?
It’s also one of the reasons we promote GAL.
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He thinks marriages can’t be saved after affairs though.
Nope.
He says marriages can’t be saved after affairs, because that makes him feel less sh** about what he’s doing.
Everyone, including your husband, knows that marriages can survive affairs.
He just wants to paint a picture that supports what he wants.
Hang in there Misty, it gets better. Just have to patient.
Next time he says he has never felt so close to you, tell him you just feel numb towards him, and you’re too busy …. (Getting dancing lessons, doing cooking classes, starting with a personal trainer, and planning a holiday) …. to really care.
