I responded by email asking what she wanted to talk about as you had suggested, R2C.
W:
“I would like to talk about things since communicating this way (email] leaves a lot of misunderstanding.
If we don’t have an agreement, then we will have different expectations when it comes time to sell the house. This needs to be decided in writing.
We need to choose a separation date, and if you just start paying the mortgage, that is only one element. I need more information.”
I have started to pay the whole mortgage and utilities for the matrimonial home where I live with S as advised by my L now that I have progressed with my return to work. Right now, my L is drafting up a separation agreement so that we are ready. I don’t want it to come directly from L right now - again I don’t want to do the heavy lifting for something I don’t want but I need to be prepared. And I may want it soon enough.
I want to separate finances more but not split up our assets because I don’t want to incur financial loss and negatively impact my family (without W)’s standard of living unnecessarily. I have worked out a good financial strategy for me and family. And it will be sound even if we do split everything up - oh and I do not want to seek the house certainly not now, I am working out a plan to hopefully buy her out.
“ Put the cookie on the table (all your assets/debt). One person gets to split the cookie. The other person gets to pick which half they want. Do not quibble about the crumbs.
You let her split the cookie first. If your part looks significantly bigger. accept her split. , If her part looks significantly bigger, break off a part that makes it even. If she agrees, great. If not go to the mediator.
Right now, you have almost the whole cookie. You can eat as much of the cookie as you want until the divorce paper work is filed with the courts.”
I am inferring that you are emphasizing that I need to be wise and careful and not create a lawyer fight that eats da*# near the whole cookie.
I responded by email asking what she wanted to talk about as you had suggested, R2C.
So obviously you ignored this part:
Originally Posted by Rockon
I agree, no response. If you must, wait several weeks.
These are really rough drafts of POSSIBLE responses:
"That doesn't work for me. I believe Email gives each of us time to think and respond appropriately to the other person and clarify any misunderstandings." "I agree, we do need to reach an agreement in writting" "What date do you believe we should use as our offical speration date?" "what other information do you need?"
OR
"There is nothing to discuss in person. All I need from you is your written proposal."
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Communication Figure out what kind of person I am currently dealing with. Respond to each type completely different: 1) Wise people listen, so talking to them works. 2) When dealing with foolish people, stop talking and set limits and consequences. 3) If the person is behaving evil, let lawyers and law enforcement deal with them.
Remember, 55% of the message is conveyed visually through body language and facial expressions, 38% is expressed vocally by my tempo, tone and inflections and only 7% verbally through my words. Before speaking, assure all 3V’s are congruent to avoid confusing the listener.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
“To be clear, I am supporting your decision. I believe you are confusing the word fight with argue. Negotiate might be a better term.
My understand of the process: The first step in negotiation is your proposal on what you think would be a kind and thoughtful agreement. The second step would be reviewing, and giving you my counter proposal. We repeat those steps several times. If we get stuck, then we hire a mediator to help resolve the differences.
Regards, Rock”
If I agree with this logically and it makes sense for me then I can tell her I am supporting her decision to work on a separation agreement. And lay out my understanding of a healthy process to negotiate.
My fear is you are going to use whatever excuse you can to stand still. And you not getting a lawyer involved will do that.
If you are a troll, I feel sorry for you, wasting years being here for fun. If you’re not a troll, I still feel sorry for you.
You don’t get it at all Rock. R2C can’t walk you through every conversation, email, text. No one here can. We are not legal professionals. Laws vary state to state country to country. I’ve surmised you’re from the Pacific Northwest, and I’m from the mid Atlantic. I have no idea if your states laws are the same. You know who does? A lawyer. You know what else we are, unpaid volunteers. You knew what lawyers are, paid professionals.
I’m not saying you won’t run into a bad lawyer but there are lawyers out there that charge flat fees and not by the hour so you can’t be taken advantage of. You’ve been separated for 3 years. She can force you into arbitration but hasn’t…why Rock. Only you can answer that.
If you’re happy with the status quo, which it certainly seems like you are, please continue to do exactly what you are.
If you want your life back than do something. This is about saving yourself and you are about 100ft from the ground with the parachute closed. Your wife left the you, you are. So why are you under the impression if you stay the same ole needy Rock she’s gonna come back?
Who comes back to what they don’t want? You ever have a job you hate, but kept going to until you could find another one? You are the job she hates, so be the job she loves. And if it’s to late the still be the man she would love because no grown woman is going to wanna deal with this.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
And not to harp, but I love the job analogy I just made.
So, you have a job, you hate it. Something has happened. Maybe you’ve been taken advantage of one to many times. Or maybe there was one to many broken promises. Or maybe the work life balance is trash. Either way, after consideration and time for things to get better you’ve come to realize they never are. So what are you going to do? You go to work with a smile on your face. You do not give your job any kind of heads up you are about to leave, but you start looking. Finally, after searching and interviews you find what seems to be the perfect job. The money is amazing, there hasn’t been any broken promises, and the job just seems to fit you like a glove. But..there’s still the 2 weeks notice at the other job. You meander through those 2 weeks doing nothing but counting down the days, day dreaming about the new job and how happy you’ll be. Well it finally comes, the 2 weeks are over. You walk out of that “office” confident and so sure you are making the right decision you are even a little pompous about how great things are and will be. You don’t know if the new job will lie, or take advantage but at least there’s hope and you’re already created the perfectness of the situation in your head so you sally forth. You don’t look back at that old nasty job that treated you horribly, until a few weeks later you remember you forgot something at the old office. Or maybe a paycheck is there and you gotta go back and put a little sugar on the situation so you can get what you need. Do you see where I’m going here?
Rock, you are the old employer she left. She found a new employer who fits her better these days. Why would she wanna go back to the old job she left when it’s the same job, boss, location. Well the only way you go back to that is when you don’t have any other choices. So rock, since you’ve made basically zero changes (and no I don’t count the one “dancing” activity as a change) you know if she comes back it’s because she needs to use you some more until she finds a new job. I would suggest if you wanna save this marriage you need to be the best job opportunity she has. If you don’t; you still need the be the best employer for the next. So basically you’re in a lose lose situation until you make some changes.
I didn’t proof read this so if there are errors etc. I apologize I’m at work hiding the cell. Lol
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Thank you Joseph. Good analogy. And I have left a job I hated and am working a job I love (some of it is very similar work but with an employer that is light years better). That analogy hits home. And having benefited from intensive PTSD treatment and adhering now to my maintenance plan I am once again thriving and excelling at work. It is hard and I encounter and deal with triggers and re exposure and I’m doing it well.
Dancing is not the sum of my changes. The biggest change is that I am standing up for myself and my self respect. I have made wholesale changes to how I live and take care of my health and I am totally in the drivers seat and holding myself accountable and utilizing the resources and network I need to stay on track.
I have a lawyer and have a very cost effective arrangement in place. I trust this lawyer and I did get other opinions.
I am not a troll at all. And I wish I could tell you more of my story but this forum is not the place. Maybe so maybe someday around the liberty bell or lounged out and listening to a great band at the gorge in George.
