It essentially means that you act like the person you would like to be right now, even if you don't actually feel that way. Act like you have what you want in life, even if you don't.
For example, if you're feeling down about your marital situation, you act as if your H is not bothering you and that you are content to go about your business.
Say "Hi" pleasantly to him, even if you feel like you'd rather not.
Smile, even if you don't feel like smiling.
Anticipate that pleasant behavior will produce better outcomes, that sort of thing.
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
In DB and/or DR, the author talks about acting "as if..." in a few different ways. If I correctly recall, when it comes to the Last Resort Technique, she recommends that you act as if you have a life and are moving on with your life. Or, act as if you will be fine no matter what the outcome of your current marital situation. You mentioned that you read Sandi's rules on this forum and Sandi talks about it a bit there too.
Emotional security is more of what I was thinking of, but I agree that she's probably not thinking about what that really means. People who get into affairs are typically using them like bandages to cover up internal issues of their own. I certainly feel your H is doing this. I don't understand how anyone can move into another relationship while they're still living with a spouse or not working to resolve existing roadblocks of their own. This is not inviting a positive outcome.
I do wonder when it will dawn on her that she can't trust him. Once the giddy excitement that she's 'won' him from me wears off and they're properly together I suppose. I have no idea if they've agreed to an open relationship at the minute whilst they are an ocean apart. I don't ask and he doesn't tell. He did admit that it's disrespectful to her to be trying it on with me though and that it's also unfair on me.
It's all about him and his selfish needs and wants. He is absolutely using the new relationship to mask his issues and is opting to run away rather than face up to problems with our marriage and more importantly problems within himself. I've told him this several times and he's admitted on many an occasion that he has serious issues.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
Drawing from my own experience, I feel that my wife is not capable of feeling satisfaction in her life without a man. It's like an addiction. When her previous affair (with someone known to the whole family, including me) broke up, she seemed to feel down for several months, and then she met her current AP, and she jumped right back into the game.
I haven't been single since I was 19 and now I'm 45. One relationship of 3.5 years led straight into one of 23 years. No idea how to occupy myself so GAL is hard but I'm doing it. H left home at 22, straight into a shared house and was there a month before I'd also moved in and we started a relationship. So neither of us has ever lived alone, nor been solely responsible for a household. He will be moving out to a shared house again before eventually moving in with OW.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
I'm using this time to work on healing myself, not just in terms of accepting that we are divorcing but also working on improving the faults and mistakes that I made in my marriage. I don't want these issues to interfere with any future relationship I might have. And I am making progress with the aid of DB and the people on here. She's got faults of her own but instead of taking a break and using this period of her life to address them, she's just going right into more relationships.
I've spent the last 7 months working on myself to understand where my marriage went wrong. I feel I now understand myself and my H far better than I ever did. Now it's time to learn to live alone, GAL and build my relationship with my kids. I think my H desperately needs time by himself to work on his long list of problems but I suspect he'll hang on at home as long as possible so that he moves straight from one surrogate parent to another.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
Like I said, bandages. Not wanting to admit they need to work on themselves. And it sure sounds like your H has work to do.
There's no doubt about that. He admits it himself and I told him jumping from one relationship to the next will only make things worse for him as he'll take the same issues with him and create new ones. He knows I'm not pursuing a new relationship now, he's not seen me cry for a few days and I'm going out most nights. I told him I need to mourn the death of this relationship first and take time to decide what I want from life.
I came home tonight to find him asleep in my room. He got up and made a snack and then went back to my bed, stripping to his pants, like it was normal. We literally had a conversation on Monday morning about how that wasn't fair on me and he agreed to go back to the sofa. Last night I was simply too tired to set the boundaries again so I just climbed in, wrapped myself up and went to sleep.
Do you mean me or H battling with pride and emotions? Or both. Can you elaborate a bit on what weapons I do have? I'm not quite clear what you mean here.
Both parties have an internal battle. However, I am more focusing on your battle here.
The LBS has to find their way with accepting the situation, letting go of their ego, detaching, crafting and enforcing boundaries, and so on. These are difficult. For most folks these principles have not been utilized or lived so far. And one’s emotions are stirred and pressing.
The most important battle is against one’s very self. In heartbreak, people will do the very thing that is not in their best interest. A couple of examples. The LBS try to profess their love, have R-talks, and such, which brings their partner’s focus solely upon them instead of allowing their partner to focus/feel the marriage/situation/their pain, etc. Such attempts from the LBS reinforces and amplifies within the leaving spouse their justifications and reasons for wanting to exit. The leaving spouse needs to feel the loss, before they will feel something different. The LBS will wander down memory lane, snoop, stalk their partner on social media, and such. Keeping themselves on the shelf and suffering.
There are stages or milestones for the LBS. Detaching, finding indifference, letting go of the rope, letting go of fear, withdrawal, and so on. I think the withdrawal stage best highlights the LBS’ suffering and their weapons, and is applicable to their entire journey.
Along with these LBS’ stages/milestones, there is the grief process. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Both journeys do somewhat progress together.
Basically, the LBS is addicted to their spouse. We mourn and suffer, look up what our spouse is doing on FB, watch for signs, mind read and try to find some movement towards their return. The loss of romantic love, especially when ripped away, has a similar effect upon brain chemistry as withdrawal of heroin/opioids. Our heartache, our suffering, is our brain screaming for that feel good chemical that once flowed so freely.
Our “bad” habits - looking at old pictures, listen to messages, finding reasons to contract them, and such - is us getting a “fix”. It’s putting off the pain of withdrawal. And it sets back our progress.
Our weapons is our intellect. Our logic and reason and willpower. And at times blind determination and faith in those that have gone before. Because, and I can attest, the LBS in the midst of this will not feel like doing what they should.
Ah, intellect. Our realm of direct and conscious control. We can rationalize. We can look at things when calm and see with logic and reason. We can control our thoughts, actions, and reactions.
Utilizing our weapons. Sword and shield. Firstly, defence. That shield is broad. Your mind is keen, you read lots, and get lots of advice. Force, and yes force, yourself to deflect attacks and such. Both external and internal. Your own mind can and will be so very demanding. Remember, this is a battle.
Our swords are sharp. Honed by logic and reason. You know and understand the path, the pains, the reasons, the course to take. Cut through that which holds you back. Cut those ties that bind. Break the self imposed shackles of imprisonment.
Remember, answer do come when one is calm. Patience is a much needed tenet to acquire. So, when one is calm and at peace, think and rationalize your course. What is in your best interests? Mull over the advice read and received. What resonates? What speaks to you? Does it “intellectually” make sense? Does it morally and spiritually make sense? How do you feel about it?
Realize, at the beginning one is pretty mixed up. Our emotions are never the best measuring stick for life’s major decisions. However, during this time, most definitely they have a high probably of leading one in a less than optimal direction. Realize this. Know this. And take purposeful premeditated logical actions to thwart such.
Write down your rationalized and purposeful steps and directions. Write down what you should and will do when those feelings come a calling. For example, when feelings like seeing what spouse is doing on FB, I’ll go for a run instead. Refer and enact those. It’s a battle! And you are not weaponless!
I find writing has a sense on permanence about it. And having written - taken the time, effort, and investment of energies to do such - keeps me more accountable to myself.
A good yardstick of being healed and having found acceptance is when one’s thoughts, beliefs/convictions, and feelings are in alignment.
Originally Posted by MistyDD
Act 'as if'? What does that mean?
“Act as if” is the precursor to being. To sincerely be, as you could first only act.
Act as if your spouse’s leaving is ok.
Act as if you have a great life.
Act as if you are ok, and will be ok.
And so on.
Because, and this is the big part, because - You will be!
We can control our thoughts and actions. And through those thoughts and actions, influence “all” aspects of our lives. If you sit and pine away, you will promote and encourage that, and end up with same. If you act differently, you’ll be different.
“Acting as if” does seem to be disingenuous at first. However, it really is one’s desire of betterment they are enacting. A sincere step towards and of genuine self improvement.
Hope that helps.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
It essentially means that you act like the person you would like to be right now, even if you don't actually feel that way. Act like you have what you want in life, even if you don't.
For example, if you're feeling down about your marital situation, you act as if your H is not bothering you and that you are content to go about your business.
Say "Hi" pleasantly to him, even if you feel like you'd rather not.
Smile, even if you don't feel like smiling.
Anticipate that pleasant behavior will produce better outcomes, that sort of thing.
I am doing exactly this. It's so counter-intuitive as it feels like I'm making his life easier and it's easier for him to move on when he thinks I'm okay without him. It's hard to stop guilting him over his choices when my heart is broken and my kids are suffering but I know it will be better for my mental health no matter what.
I came home tonight to find him asleep in my room. He got up and made a snack and then went back to my bed, stripping to his pants, like it was normal. We literally had a conversation on Monday morning about how that wasn't fair on me and he agreed to go back to the sofa. Last night I was simply too tired to set the boundaries again so I just climbed in, wrapped myself up and went to sleep.
Change the door handle to one with a lock.
You’re actually making things worse in a way - because you’re talking the talk (“you must stay on sofa”) but then you’re letting him get away with breaking your boundaries.
You might as well put up a flashing green light for him to do whatever he wants.
The two important things about boundaries 1. they’re for you (they’re not to manipulate someone else), 2. you have to stick to them.
Think of him as a puppy dog who keeps pi**ing on the carpet. Would you give them a treat?
I haven't been single since I was 19 and now I'm 45. One relationship of 3.5 years led straight into one of 23 years. No idea how to occupy myself so GAL is hard but I'm doing it. H left home at 22, straight into a shared house and was there a month before I'd also moved in and we started a relationship. So neither of us has ever lived alone, nor been solely responsible for a household. He will be moving out to a shared house again before eventually moving in with OW.
Sorry if I was unclear in my previous post. When I said I was alone for most of my life before meeting W, I meant without a woman, not living alone.
I didn't live with the girlfriend I had before meeting W; I saw her once a week. She lived in a different state but not far, and it was an easy commute for me. Sometimes she would come to meet me, and I'd book us a nice hotel room for the weekend since there wasn't really room for her where I lived. However, I always lived with somebody, be it family member or W, for my entire life up to now. (When we moved in together she was still my fiancee).
But for most of my younger years, I was solo, so I knew how to find things to occupy time without a relationship, and I can certainly do that again. (In fact, I already am). So this is going to be the first time I've lived by myself as well.
Originally Posted by MistyDD
I've spent the last 7 months working on myself to understand where my marriage went wrong. I feel I now understand myself and my H far better than I ever did. Now it's time to learn to live alone, GAL and build my relationship with my kids. I think my H desperately needs time by himself to work on his long list of problems but I suspect he'll hang on at home as long as possible so that he moves straight from one surrogate parent to another.
It is excellent that you have done this. I am doing the same. Boy, were there some bad, unhealthy things going on that I didn't think were issues at the time but really stick out now. Complacency, codependency, and bad habits on my part, plus a tendency to try to avoid conflict to "keep the peace." (This translates to me letting her keep my b***s in her purse). For her part, there were lack of financial discipline, a horrendously bad self-image (particularly embarrassment about her body), and a heavy dependence on her mother for support (which wouldn't be bad if said mother hadn't become a difficult piece of work that periodically drives W's father and brother up the wall, and unfortunately W resembles her more by the day).
Originally Posted by MistyDD
I told him I need to mourn the death of this relationship first and take time to decide what I want from life.
Yes. It may seem odd, but the spouse who gets left behind often comes out better off than the one that walked away, particularly if the one that walked away saw only what they couldn't stand about their partner without figuring out what their own issues were. These people go into new relationships and end up doing the same bad things all over again. The ones who were left and face the ugly truth about their relationship learn how to avoid falling into the same traps a second time.
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
I am doing exactly this. It's so counter-intuitive as it feels like I'm making his life easier and it's easier for him to move on when he thinks I'm okay without him. It's hard to stop guilting him over his choices when my heart is broken and my kids are suffering but I know it will be better for my mental health no matter what.
This is so true. It is counterintuitive. But as you've figured out, this is for you, not him. You aren't going to play at moving on; you are going to take all the mental steps to do exactly that. It will get easier day by day, believe it or not.
He WILL notice how your behavior is changing, and it will confound him. Times will come when he will push your buttons. He will remind you of things you did that hurt him. This is bait, and he will try to get you to rise to it. You will learn to resist, and make no mistake, that may anger him more. Let it happen. If he doesn't want to give a chance to repair your marriage, he will think that you are going to lie in the bed you made. What he needs to realize is he is making a bed for himself. He will also feel consequences from YOUR departure.
You might feel like you are backsliding occasionally, but with time, you will recover more quickly.
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
Totally backslid the last few days. From accepting affection, sex, letting him back in my bed and then him almost coming home today because my mental health tanked and I was suicidal.
Kicked H out of my bed on Friday and back he went to the sofa. Neither of us could sleep though and were both up in night several times.
Ever since then we've ended up in the same bed each night and H has even started telling the kids 'it's mum and dad's room' or referring to my bed as 'our bed' or 'his bed'. Now I'm under no illusions that he's changing his mind in any way, it's purely convenience and he enjoys being affectionate and cuddly (and trying for much more). Sometimes he lies and strokes my hair for ages. Last night he came to bed with a cup of tea and snacks for us both and suggested we start watching a new series as if we were any normal married couple.
It feels very much like he can't make a clean break from me and I doubt the OW has any idea whatsoever that any of this is going on. He's even admitted that it's totally disrespectful to her.
I know I need to set boundaries and kick him back to the sofa. I have tried on a few occasions but he always seems to wheedle his way back and I'm just not strong enough to say no. I do have issues with ADHD, overwhelm, anxiety and depression.
He's been running round after me, taking over everything in the house which I think is aimed at making my life easier so I concentrate on work as I currently work from home and I'm very isolated. Last night he did a 1 hour round walk to the supermarket (can't drive) and bought my favourite crisps and chocolate and some nice bread to have with the homemade soup he cooked for me. I think he's concerned that I might lose my job if I'm not careful and that will bring a whole host of other problems.
Including the possibility that I'd be made homeless and would have to take the kids to my mums, over 400 miles away, ripping their lives apart and he would never see them. I'd avoid that at all costs as they are in high school and settled.
I have tried my best not to cry in front of him and to keep a happy face but it's hard when we're sharing a small space.
Yesterday I did well at work for once and was running on adrenaline. Today I crashed massively and lay on the sofa unable to do anything but wish to go to sleep and not wake up. Ended up telling H and he called me and encouraged me to talk to a professional, find a friend to sit with etc. I couldn't even get out of pyjamas or have a shower though. My mental health is rock bottom today.
You’re actually making things worse in a way - because you’re talking the talk (“you must stay on sofa”) but then you’re letting him get away with breaking your boundaries.
You might as well put up a flashing green light for him to do whatever he wants.
I know I am, I'm being stupid. He's manipulating me and I'm letting him.
Originally Posted by Kind18
Think of him as a puppy dog who keeps pi**ing on the carpet. Would you give them a treat?
I need to bear this in mind. He even did the same for our son and it annoyed me. Son was sent home from school and because he did homework, H had treats delivered to the house.
