Congratulations about work. Good job! Literally! Haha. Nice to see Rockon2.0 more and more the man in the mirror.
Originally Posted by Rockon
I have a mental challenge/hurdle in that we are in negotiation stage and yet I don’t want to do the heavy lifting in dividing our assets.
I understand not wanting to do the heavy lifting. Heck, I didn’t want to sign my separation agreement. I didn’t want a lot of the stuff that happened. “Wanting” is feeling. Look to your logic and reason. I signed my agreement because I knew it was needed and a good deal, and I completely felt differently.
My advice is: Leave the heavy lifting to the spouse who wants out. However, if you need financial protection or security, take charge and get it.
I think you are needing financial security and stability in your life. (Note, needing not wanting. So do what is required.)
If you’re reading along with MistyDD’s thread, I talked about how the LBS is in a battle with themselves. Heartbreak / loss of romantic love is like that of heroin withdrawal, the LBS will make and follow all kinds of poor decisions in effort to get their next “fix”. I’ve been there, and suffered greatly.
You know, and you feel. And they are likely not congruent. That’s ok. That’s normal.
It’s a most difficult battle. And make no mistake, it is a battle! Yet, you are not weaponless. Intellect, logic and reason, is your sword and shield.
Feelings will stir. Follow your reasoning. Stay on course.
You got this.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
L suggested that with me buying out the house I could propose to waive the amount of child support and reduce the money I pay to buy her out by that amount.
Interesting. In my locale child support is one of the only two things that cannot be negotiated or waived.
It sounds like W would owe you child support and in forgoing or reducing those payments you could likely reduce your buy out amount. Sounds reasonable.
Any proposal for alimony, pensions, and old age/social security (or whatever your locale calls it)?
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
W actually did volley a mini proposal. She emailed proposing we look after the house together and said she doesn’t want to sell the house and have S and I have to move. She suggested that we continue our investments that come out of our shared account and then later split them in half at some point (undefined timeline). Soon after BD, W had posed that maybe she keep the house and I keep my pension (she does not have a pension).
I plan to let L know about my needs as well as tell L about discussions so far between W and I.
W actually did volley a mini proposal. She emailed proposing we look after the house together and said she doesn’t want to sell the house and have S and I have to move. She suggested that we continue our investments that come out of our shared account and then later split them in half at some point (undefined timeline).
Oh... how kind of her! Rock - this is total cake eating. She has everthing to gain here whilst you stay married to a woman who has no interest in being your wife.
Hard pass on this offer. Let this be info on how self-centered she plans to be in this D.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
W actually did volley a mini proposal. She emailed proposing we look after the house together and said she doesn’t want to sell the house and have S and I have to move. She suggested that we continue our investments that come out of our shared account and then later split them in half at some point (undefined timeline). Soon after BD, W had posed that maybe she keep the house and I keep my pension (she does not have a pension).
I plan to let L know about my needs as well as tell L about discussions so far between W and I.
Forward the email to your lawyer, tell your lawyer you won’t entertain any solution where you aren’t completely and entirely disconnected from your wife and let the lawyer sort it out.
You are continuing to waste your 80 laps around the sun with this idiot. Cut the cord. Split the assets definitively, your kids are adults, block her phone and live what’s left of your life.
I get the general advice that DNJ gives to not do the heavy lifting WRT finance, and that’s generally really good advice for newbies. But in my most humble of opinions, that is not appropriate for your situation. This marriage is not salvageable, she’s a manipulative and controlling PITA and seems to have some strange hold and control over every thought you have.
Rock - you are coming to this site to get your answers and find your happiness. But your happiness won’t come from us, or her, or a lawyer.
It will ONLY finally come when you have enough self love and respect to draw a line in the sand.
The answer is right in front of you. You just have to stop hiding from it.
I have been in dialogue this week with my L and providing financials and my priorities. I have shifted my thinking and actions to what is most important and my priorities for my life and my family and not that M. I am keeping it to business and not emotional when I do respond to W (email). I am putting a target on where I want to be July 2024 as Steve has suggested.
I am living a strong life and not being weak. Focused on work, health, family, faith, community and friends.
Also shifting my thinking from the unfairness of what W has done and is doing and what she stands to get out of D to the business at hand.
You’ve said the same things in the past. Talking to lawyer, money, priorities. You’ve said for over a year your priorities are you and the kids.
Keeping it business isn’t strictly an emotional thing, but glad to hear this. So no more family holidays, weekends and get togethers than right?
Put the target where you want it, not where Steve told you a starting point was. It was a suggestion from him to try to get you to change the way you are thinking.
You are living a moral life, not necessarily a strong one. With that said, though Jesus wants us all to fix our marriages and live in a loving moral marriage, he knew we are an evil species at heart and gave us the ok to divorce under circumstances. Even Jesus recognized some marriages will drag a person to hell. Do you know those reasons rock? I guarantee you do.
Keep shifting your thinking about your W. Doesn’t matter what she wants, it can and will change. Focus on you you you. You haven’t yet.
I also want to point out, your response, while throughout and articulate, is the exact reason someone thought you were AI. You have zero emotion in your replies. Just my take
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
