Learning the ropes 2

[MrP]

Hi Ma. I'm glad to read that you're doing well. As you say, these situations are tough. I second your thoughts about the amazing advice memorialized and available here. It is amazing how our partners shift away from our children at times. My wife acknowledged at one point that part of her interest in a D was to enable her to essentially only be an active parent 50% of the time. I hope your XH comes around before too much distances builds up between he and your children. I know you'll keep working on taking care of your individual needs....still a long road of healing ahead. It will be good to hear your continued progress if you're able to spare the time to share!

[DnJ]

Good Morning MA

Firstly, please don't call yourself names like "I'm weak".

Spot on!

One’s mind is always listening and will craft/reinforce the viewpoint/reality you ask of it.

I agree, MamaG is an incredible and strong woman and person! As folks here are! They are just hurt and betrayed so badly; with their self confidence/worth having taken one heck of a beating.

To the new folks and posters: For proof of the fortitude I speak, consider the act of posting here. To lay out one’s situation, one’s frustrations, one’s pain and heartbreak, takes strength and courage. Of course, lots of first posts are finally decided or pushed to fruition by one’s desperation. Yet, even in that, one is reaching towards something, reaching for something better. The underpinnings of that, the willingness, is the strength of one’s character.

I understand and empathize with how weak one feels. And, feelings are fleeting. Be strong. Stand strong. Feel your feelings, and let them flit away. Believe me, heck believe in yourself, your true self is much deeper than you presently feel it is.

D

[MamaG]

I’ve read many stories on here and will tell you that the path and speed you’ve taken stands out for me. You mentioned that your education and background supports your ability to have picked up on things quickly. Perhaps you’re right. It would make sense. Still, I wish I could be so quick to learn. I guess we all go at our own pace to learn the outcome.

I appreciate you offering to read up on my situation. Would love your insight and direction. I will do my best to refrain from calling myself derogatory things like “weak “. This feedback resonated. Certainly I’m a bit down on myself, especially since I seem to need direction and help with everything I do lately. Nothing comes quick and easy like it used to in the noggin.

All the best to you and look forward to hearing from you, should you get a minute. I will also look for your updates on your thread as you inspire me

[MA1970]

Just popping on here for a quick update. I missed mama g's message when I was last on (can't believe it was April) so apologies mamaG for the lack of response.

I'm back on to update in the hope my story will help someone just as others helped me (DnJ, Kind18 I can never thank you enough). It was Dec 22 when MLC ex H began his affair. It actually fizzled out pretty much bang on the research time of 6 months but he was still in limerance & trying to hold on to her. He began divorce proceedings (turns out it was one of his AP's demands) and this was granted in May 24. We're now fully divorced and I've bought him out of the house.

I suppose I'm back on here to say that none of this is easy. My ex H is desperate for us to get back together. I still care deeply about him but I wouldn't have him back. I'm terrified of being on my own but have done a lot of GAL to try and address my fears and have a pretty good social life now. I'm on friendly terms with the ex despite everything he did (& he did plenty!!) but I believe he is still deep in MLC. He is having therapy, which helps but he talks the right story but there is no behavioural change. My gut says he cannot cope with being on his own and wants to be looked after again (by me). I've come too far to fall back into that parental relationship. It's hard though. We recently went to a funeral together and we slotted back into how we had always been & I craved the comfort and security this brought as did he I think.

I'm back doing a lot of self reflection and think I'll probably go back into therapy for a while as this feels like a new stage where I need to fully separate but something draws me back in, which is the familiarity I think. As I said, he's still very much in MLC, evidenced by him spending all the money from the divorce and not investing any. He has no responsibility and takes no accountability. This is not what I want for my future. My current difficulties are trying to navigate a relationship in terms of us being the parents to our children (s20, d17) but also giving him a clear message that there us no future for us, which is bizarre to say given that I joined this site to try and stop separation.

Anyway, enough rambling. This site is fantastic if you follow the advice. It's incredibly tough...it gets better...but it's still really hard. Hoping I'll reach the stage where it doesn't bother me at some point.

[DnJ]

Good Morning MA

It’s wonderful to hear from you. Love seeing you back on your feet. And congratulations on ownership of your house.

Good for you, realizing you do not want to lose your hard-earned wisdom and lessons. The old relationship style doesn’t work for you anymore. Highlighted by H’s handling of his proceeds of the house and such. I agree, not what you want, nor deserve, for your bright future.

My current difficulties are trying to navigate a relationship in terms of us being the parents to our children (s20, d17) but also giving him a clear message that there is no future for us, which is bizarre to say given that I joined this site to try and stop separation.

A couple of tips to help minimize the difficulty. No “but”. Consider what you can control.

Do not concatenate parental relationship with romantic relationship. No “but”. Keep them separate.

You only control you. Working to control (navigate) the parental relationship of you and XH towards kids is hard. Heck, very very hard. You only control your portion of that. Instead, focus on your relationship with your kids. Give XH his reins.

I suspect your relationship with the kids is good. Therefore not much difficultly there. No need to take on XH’s difficulties in this. Dealing with what you control, brings clarity.

That clarity is extended into the relationship between you and XH. You cannot control joint parenting. So, do not worry about being clear regarding no romance between you and he. Like I said, the two are not tied together, so no need to bind yourself all up over it. No need to walk on eggshells. Right?

If I may, another difficultly I notice is the tense of things. The future is unwritten and full of opportunities. Be open to it. Deal with, live, the present moment. Let the future reveal itself.

To that end, I see you having difficultly predicting and holding yourself accountable for/to all of the future when stating “there is no future”. You’ll be better served being accurate. There currently is no present connection between you and XH. If, perhaps, XH grows and evolves, does a bunch of inner work, etc. Who knows. The future is unknown to us mere mortals. Yet, in the here and now, nope.

That grounded present day kind of perspective doesn’t majorly change anything you are doing right now. It does change your fretting and difficultly with it though. Live today, and leave tomorrow’s worries for tomorrow.

Hoping I'll reach the stage where it doesn't bother me at some point.

Each step gets us closer.

Have an awesome day!

D

[Kind18]

Just popping on here for a quick update. I missed mama g's message when I was last on (can't believe it was April) so apologies mamaG for the lack of response.

I'm back on to update in the hope my story will help someone just as others helped me (DnJ, Kind18 I can never thank you enough). It was Dec 22 when MLC ex H began his affair. It actually fizzled out pretty much bang on the research time of 6 months but he was still in limerance & trying to hold on to her. He began divorce proceedings (turns out it was one of his AP's demands) and this was granted in May 24. We're now fully divorced and I've bought him out of the house.

I suppose I'm back on here to say that none of this is easy. My ex H is desperate for us to get back together. I still care deeply about him but I wouldn't have him back. I'm terrified of being on my own but have done a lot of GAL to try and address my fears and have a pretty good social life now. I'm on friendly terms with the ex despite everything he did (& he did plenty!!) but I believe he is still deep in MLC. He is having therapy, which helps but he talks the right story but there is no behavioural change. My gut says he cannot cope with being on his own and wants to be looked after again (by me). I've come too far to fall back into that parental relationship. It's hard though. We recently went to a funeral together and we slotted back into how we had always been & I craved the comfort and security this brought as did he I think.

I'm back doing a lot of self reflection and think I'll probably go back into therapy for a while as this feels like a new stage where I need to fully separate but something draws me back in, which is the familiarity I think. As I said, he's still very much in MLC, evidenced by him spending all the money from the divorce and not investing any. He has no responsibility and takes no accountability. This is not what I want for my future. My current difficulties are trying to navigate a relationship in terms of us being the parents to our children (s20, d17) but also giving him a clear message that there us no future for us, which is bizarre to say given that I joined this site to try and stop separation.

Anyway, enough rambling. This site is fantastic if you follow the advice. It's incredibly tough...it gets better...but it's still really hard. Hoping I'll reach the stage where it doesn't bother me at some point.

Well hello old friend! 🤣

You know what I see here:

1. A man child, who still hasn’t done an ounce of self reflection or growing up, and

2. A boss lady, who can see through his manipulations, who makes calm/measured decisions, who has self respect and self love.

Self reflection prompting some IC is a great idea.

I remember a long time ago telling you on your thread that perhaps in 5 years you might reconcile - if he got himself together.

He most definitely has not got himself together yet. He hasn’t even started 🤦‍♂️

[MA1970]

It's wonderful to hear back from you both (DnJ & Kind).

DnJ - you haven't lost your ability to notice what's behind the post. Your comments continue to be helpful & you are absolutely right about the parenting and relationship being entirely different things. If I reflect on it, I think its fear based (again) and that he'll drop the relationship with the kids if theres no hope for us rekindling. As you rightly point out though, this isn't my responsibility. I love that you noticed the fluctuating ability for me to be in the present moment. I'm trying to do this more consciously again (had to practice a lot during the height of it and when trying to detach) & have recently restarted regular mindfulness meditation (very zen!).

Kind18 - thank you for your encouragement and reminder that he's still very much a lost soul. I am indeed worth more than anything he has to offer. I am not responsible for his happiness, only my own. I do still feel sad at the loss but I genuinely have a good life, largely thanks to the amazing support and advice on here. I'm so thankful I listened and followed it even when it felt wrong to do so.

I hope you are both OK and living your best lives

[Kind18]

Kind18 - thank you for your encouragement and reminder that he's still very much a lost soul. I am indeed worth more than anything he has to offer. I am not responsible for his happiness, only my own. I do still feel sad at the loss but I genuinely have a good life, largely thanks to the amazing support and advice on here. I'm so thankful I listened and followed it even when it felt wrong to do so.

Am I living my best life? Absolutely yes, but that’s for another thread

I still think you’re being incredibly self aware even in the midst of craziness.

“I do feel sad…” is an interesting statement. Some people think that means they have to DO something.

But you don’t. It’s okay to be sad about something. It’s a normal human emotion, completely normal and healthy in the circumstances. I wish more people could say “I’m sad, but that’s okay” and not let it be a catalyst for thinking they have to make a choice or act on it.

You can be sad - about what once was, or who you thought he was, or your broken dreams of the future. But he’s not done an ounce of looking inward, and that’s the real litmus test of whether it’s worth getting involved in this train wreck again.

It’s great you’re working on mindfulness. The connection between brain and body is so important. Also, are you exercising?

[MA1970]

Ahh, I'm really happy to hear you're enjoying life. Thank you for the wise words. Emotions come & go and on the whole, are far more steady for me now than when I was in the thick of it.

If you remember, I dropped a lot of weight very quickly (85lbs). I've managed to keep this off by eating healthy and walking around 8km 3-4 times per week. It's interesting that you mention the exercise, I've got my first personal training session booked tomorrow to try and look at building strength & toning. I'm also back doing panto this year and still doing my singing lessons. Life's pretty good 😊

[DnJ]

Hello MA

Thank you.

Yes, I am doing very well and loving my life. I have plenty of projects to do around here. Then there is hobbies, games, movies, sitting under the stars, relaxing on the deck, travelling, and so on. Lots of options of how to spend/invest my time; and for the most part, prioritized as I wish it to be.

D