I agree with DnJ on everything that he posted. As I stated earlier, you do not need to explain why you are doing things. State what you are doing in a short, but nice manner, and go on about your business.
He is an emotional hot mess, i.e., just like teens behave. He is all over the map and no matter what you do or don't do, he's going to find fault with it. Why? Because he honestly does not know what he wants. Even though he is home, he is still all over the place and his settling down and become a mature man may take up to 18 months.
When he starts his rants say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and walk away. When you do that, he has no justification for what he's saying. As for him cussing you out on the phone...hang up. He is not respecting you. You do not need to be treated this way. You are the prize and he needs to realize this.
Would you accept this behavior from a real roommate? No. I don't think so. So, start looking at him as a roommate and treat like you would a roommate. Be respectful, but also be firm with your boundaries and what you will accept in the way of behavior.
You are the prize! Don't accept bad behavior. Walk away or hang up the phone and do not engage with him when he is acting out.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well he cycled back bad this weekend. he hates my older son and when my son came over to visit me because he has been in a bad spot mentally he didn't knock when he got there and just came in the house. and he used the restroom(seriously). So he went on a rant and was saying all kinds of snide ugly remarks in front of me and the little kids. the kids and i were on our way out the door for church so we left in the middle of his fit. Later that day when we got home I politely asked him if he could not talk bad about my son in front of me and the littles. And that was all it took. twice durring the day he brought up us being done and him leaving. I sent the little kids to there room to watch tv and he just sat and screamed in my face so I just went to the bathroom so i didn't have to see him.
Then today once again he is coming around like a 6 year old boy with his head down trying to be nice. I dont understand how people can be like this. All I know for sure is I am glad I am not in his head.
Last edited by jessieht; 02/05/2409:44 PM. Reason: hit enter to early
Then today once again he is coming around like a 6 year old boy with his head down trying to be nice. I dont understand how people can be like this. All I know for sure is I am glad I am not in his head.
I don't understand either, and anyone should be glad not to be in a mind like his. Sometimes I feel guilty for the part I played in my divorce. Then I read your story, and my head explodes. I know I have issues, but my wife kicked me to the curb for much less than what he's doing to you. To be honest, if I were in your shoes I don't know how long I would last with him.
You are keeping your head above water and doing well in one of the most inhospitable situations imaginable. I am hoping for the best for you because you deserve it. Keep up the DB mindset because it WILL save your sanity and your future.
SF
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
All I know for sure is I am glad I am not in his head.
Amen!
It’s wild how they flip and flop, ping pong, about. Angry, sad, regretful, angry again. Such confusion. Such emotionally driven.
Originally Posted by jessieht
So he went on a rant and was saying all kinds of snide ugly remarks in front of me and the little kids. the kids and i were on our way out the door for church so we left in the middle of his fit.
Good. Removing yourself, leaving him with his feelings is perfect.
Originally Posted by jessieht
Later that day when we got home I politely asked him if he could not talk bad about my son in front of me and the littles. And that was all it took. twice during the day he brought up us being done and him leaving.
Yep, it’s surprising what can set them off. A politely worded asking him to not talk bad is a reasonable request. However, MLCers are emotionally driven, not rationally/reasonably driven. H lashed out as he likely took offence and blame from your request.
Instead, just tell him. No asking, therefore less wiggle room for him to find “reasons” to lash out.
“H, when you talk bad about son it makes me feel bad, and is disrespectful. When you speak like that, when you are disrespectful, I will simply go elsewhere. I will not talk with, nor listen to you when you are like that.”
Any rebuttal from H does not matter. You didn’t ask him to change. You simply told him what you are going to do if/when he is disrespectful. You placed the responsibilities and accountability upon his shoulders. All you do is take your actions accordingly.
H is a headstrong teenager. Treat him like one.
Stay strong. Kind and cordial, and with strong boundaries.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I am so sorry that you had to deal with the spoiled man/child. MLCers do this kind of stuff all of the time until they reach acceptance. They are operating on emotions only. They do not think like we do because they are emotionally driven. We would not think of raising heck about a family member not knocking and using the bathroom, but the MLCer will do it all of the time. I wasn't surprised to read how he behaved.
You did the right thing in removing yourself from his ranting. Do not sweep this kind of behavior under the rug. They are so predictable when this kind of behavior happens. First they blow up and then they come around looking like susie sad eyes wanting and hoping that they can find a way to make peace.
DnJ knows that I will agree with him 100% on the advice he is giving you. Set those boundaries and adhere to them. Do not waffle one bit. You can be kind and/or cordial, but you need to be firm when he acts out. They are teenagers even though they are far, far further along in age.
Again, I am so sorry he acted out.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm putting this guidance from DnJ in a big (figurative) frame in my mind (and you should too Jessie):
“When you speak like that, when you are disrespectful, I will simply go elsewhere. I will not talk with, nor listen to you when you are like that.”
Any rebuttal from H does not matter. You didn’t ask him to change. You simply told him what you are going to do if/when he is disrespectful. You placed the responsibilities and accountability upon his shoulders. All you do is take your actions accordingly.
I was glad to hear that you removed the kids and then yourself from a rant you absolutely do not deserve. Well done. It makes me genuinely happy to see your progress. Keep it going in a positive direction for yourself and your kids.
I know this is all part of the MLC process but just needed a vent session.
To start off with I have been doing well. Have done some stuff for myself including a cosmetic procedure that I have wanted to do to fix something on me that has made me self conches for years. My husband was not happy about this and says I am vain and "stupid" for spending my money on it(our finances have always been separate so this will not affect him financially at all). At first I felt selfish for spending the money and making him angry but to be honest he was going to be angry anyways. Everyone that knows think he doesn't want me to have it done so that I look better and he is worried I will find someone else. I dont even know or care if that is his reason.
I did see while doing some stuff that confirmed he is still talking to the ow on the phone multiple times a day. I knew this in my gut but it wasn't ever confirmed till now. Which to me explains why he is so hateful towards me. I haven't told him I seen this. I have and am going as dim as I can at home but that seems to ramp him up a bit. It just seems so counter intuitive. I know this is fear based but I worry that with me going dim it will push him toward the ow more so than he is already. I would think it would me if i was in his situation but I guess I dont have mlc brain.
I have read everywhere not to confront to the fact you know they are still in contact and to just let it run and fall apart on its own, but for how long? I am not going to act rashly this time like at bd. I know there is a lot to consider like the fact that I hate not having my kids full time like when he was gone, but also dont want to live like this forever. I realize that 18 months from bd and 5 months home is not long in terms of mlc also.
His withdrawal has gotten a worse over the past month. He wouldn't even go to a friends house for our daughters birthday dinner. He said he didn't want to be around anyone. He has also started self victimizing with anything said or done saying we dont want him at home and non of us love him, he should just leave. Not sleeping hardly at all and just other odd stuff like whispering to himself and talking to himself a lot. and not in an external processing way. like full angry conversations with himself. Very paranoid and thinks everyone especially me are out to take hime for everything. the kids have also seen him crying a few times. Could this be the slide down to rock bottoms basement? I hate to see that for him but know it has to happen for him to start to walk out of it.
I think it is, but is this a normal progression of stages. It doesn't hurt me like it used to. I am pretty detached from taking it personal. ( I still fall into it sometimes) I do not give the reactions like I used to. Just tell him I hear him and understand and am sorry he feels that way. But do people really come back from stuff like this? It seems so hopeless that he will ever turn around or wake up.
I am glad you returned and gave an update. If the cosmetic procedure is what you wanted/needed and it makes you feel better about yourself...then it worked! You are absolutely correct, no matter what you did or didn't do, he would have been angry. He is just angry with himself and his situation.
As for not attending his daughter's birthday party...sounds very typical of a MLCer. Oh, yes, the poor me is playing in the background. Again, very typical and he's hoping that you will say that if he's that unhappy then leave. Don't put him out! If he wants out, he needs to be the one to take himself out that door.
Yes many of them do return to normal...but it takes a very long time. Some return to normal, others return to normal, but retain some of the habits they picked up while circling earth and others remain lost completely. It took my xh just about 23 years to finally admit that he was the one that walked out and destroyed his marriage. He admitted that he had been selfish, etc., and he even apologized for what he had done. I have no idea why, out of the blue, he decided to contact me because we had not been in contact with each other for many years. So, yes, some do wake up. How long will it take your h? Only the man upstairs knows the answer to the question.
You had doing great. You are learning not go dim and not react like you use to his words and actions. I'm proud of you! Keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
around. Wise people.
