Hey DnJ. It was a great weekend. Had several nice dinners. D13 is talking to me A LOT. And, I got some nice recognition today at work for a project that I finished on Sunday.
A few interesting things happening around here. W is frustrated that I won't join a trip with my in-laws and D13 to see W's best friend and her husband. I maintained it doesn't make sense to me.
Now my in-laws can't go so W is upset because W doesn't want to drive 8-10 hours alone with D13 across 2-3 states. She also said that D13 is upset about another change in plans (something similar happened last year at this time). I was walking out of the house as this conversation was happening with my MIL and didn't quite make it before W said, "Mom, let me call you back. H is leaving for work".
W proceeded to tell me about all the issues, lamenting her back luck, expressing her fear about driving along with D13, and a host of other issues. I know from experience that, in cases like this, W is looking for me to save the day with solutions. Instead, I just offered some validation along the lines of "Yeah that is rightfully disappointing". W stared at me as if to say "That's it. You're not going to offer to help?". Instead, I said, "I have to get to work for a morning meeting. Keep me posted on what you two are going to do" and off I went.
I'm getting all my asset and liability info to my L. We've got a six-month "cooling off" period to get thorough for Ds in my state. I've given my L some settlement parameters in hopes that the Ls can collaborate on something reasonable so this step in the process is resolved so I have some confidence about future living arrangements, spending power, etc. soon.
This weekend, going with D13 to see my nephew's game. I've got a new computer that I hope is the first component of a small business I'd like to build so I'll be setting that up. All in all, I feel like I'm still in a good spot.
Things have been relatively quiet until yesterday. W abruptly asked if I might be interested in revisiting counseling/therapy. I said I wasn't sure and I've been increasingly at peace with getting a D. W struggled to explain her reasoning for the sudden interest in revisiting counseling. Maybe a temperature check? I've been active in spending a mix of time with close friends, family, D13, and on my own doing several enjoyable things. I've attended a few celebrations, concerns, wine tastings, and D13s sporting events while trying to sketch out a small business plan.
I asked for some time to think about it. W suggested that, if I was open to it, perhaps each of us could identify 2-to 3 potential counselors to consider. I nodded and left the conversation there.
It is interesting because overnight I've been thinking more about how unattractive the behaviors that W had been engaging in have become to me. I realized my feelings of attraction to W had significantly dipped after the last few months.
For those who may not have time to go back and re-read my history, we faced several, common marital issues. This is my 2nd time DBing. Over the last 4-5 years, I've busted my tail to be responsive to fixing things I was doing that contributed to half of what got us to near D the first time around. Our former MC and my ongoing IC validated my efforts. I'd been feeling an increasing sense of closure as each day passed and though there are months left to go in the D process.
W hasn't reciprocated and that is a large part of why I'm skeptical about her ability to make and maintain positive changes. Still, in the spirit of MWD's writings, I tend to be anti-divorce unless there several things are present (physical or mental abuse, drugs/alcohol, specific mental health challenges, etc.). So, I'm assessing if W's mental health challenge is likely to continue to sabotage the chance for progress. I've not completely fallen out of love, and also believe D13 is one of many good reasons to try to repair things if that is genuinely possible. I don't want to lose my personal "hard-won gains" as we say and refuse to go back to much of what our old marriage looked like. I do feel like a prize at this point for the right partner.
And, I continue to appreciate this community. It truly provides me with a valued outlet. Helping and being helped. Be well, everyone.
Things have been relatively quiet until yesterday. W abruptly asked if I might be interested in revisiting counseling/therapy. I said I wasn't sure and I've been increasingly at peace with getting a D. W struggled to explain her reasoning for the sudden interest in revisiting counseling. Maybe a temperature check? I've been active in spending a mix of time with close friends, family, D13, and on my own doing several enjoyable things. I've attended a few celebrations, concerns, wine tastings, and D13s sporting events while trying to sketch out a small business plan.
Whether its a temp check or a waffling of emotions from your w matters not to what you are doing. You just stay detached and GAL like a mad man. Continue to let your w figure out her sh!t.
Originally Posted by MrP
I asked for some time to think about it. W suggested that, if I was open to it, perhaps each of us could identify 2-to 3 potential counselors to consider. I nodded and left the conversation there.
I know you were caught of guard - but IMHO - let her find the counselor. It would show motivation on her part.
Originally Posted by MrP
It is interesting because overnight I've been thinking more about how unattractive the behaviors that W had been engaging in have become to me. I realized my feelings of attraction to W had significantly dipped after the last few months.
This is actually the sweet rewards on detaching. The rose colored glasses come off and we can see our spouse for who they truly are in this present time. And interestingly enough - it comes with a sense of peace about it where you can still love your spouse... but not like them at the moment. You no longer get mad about the rollercoaster ride. You just don't buy the ticket.
Originally Posted by MrP
For those who may not have time to go back and re-read my history, we faced several, common marital issues. This is my 2nd time DBing. Over the last 4-5 years, I've busted my tail to be responsive to fixing things I was doing that contributed to half of what got us to near D the first time around. Our former MC and my ongoing IC validated my efforts. I'd been feeling an increasing sense of closure as each day passed and though there are months left to go in the D process.
W hasn't reciprocated and that is a large part of why I'm skeptical about her ability to make and maintain positive changes. Still, in the spirit of MWD's writings, I tend to be anti-divorce unless there several things are present (physical or mental abuse, drugs/alcohol, specific mental health challenges, etc.). So, I'm assessing if W's mental health challenge is likely to continue to sabotage the chance for progress. I've not completely fallen out of love, and also believe D13 is one of many good reasons to try to repair things if that is genuinely possible. I don't want to lose my personal "hard-won gains" as we say and refuse to go back to much of what our old marriage looked like. I do feel like a prize at this point for the right partner.
I would continue being skeptical. Past actions dictate future ones... until they don't. You won't have to guess if your w wants to reconcile. It will be abundantly clear to YOU.
Until then keep on keeping on.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
It is interesting because overnight I've been thinking more about how unattractive the behaviors that W had been engaging in have become to me. I realized my feelings of attraction to W had significantly dipped after the last few months.
I've often read here and elsewhere that when you're in a relationship that is some form of codependent or otherwise not healthy, and then you do the work to change yourself and leave behind your contribution to that dynamic, you find yourself in this position. No surprise to see you writing this after all you've done, and how patient you've been.
Thanks Valeska and Maturin. V, I did as you said and waited for W to send along potential therapists. I sent her my short list several days later. I'll leave it to her to initiate a follow-up conversation.
M that sounds spot on. I went out with a male friend from high school who relocated home. W made a few remarks about our going out on a weeknight. It was a wine-tasting and mingling event and W commented on the "mingling" part. I was looking forward to the food, wine, and company of an old friend. W's comments weren't questions so I opted not to respond. The wine selections were "meh" but it was great to catch up. I'm looking forward to having my friend back in the area and expect we'll get together at least once a month.
Otherwise, I'm doing some interior home repair work since temps are a bit too cold to get rolling outside. Also, with trying to make healthier meals, I'm putting some extra effort into planning out meals for the week. COVID left me with some ongoing challenges related to fatigue that I'm determined to beat with exercise, nutrition, and quality rest. Back to that grind for today!
Hi all! I hope you're doing well. I've been swamped at work and have not had a ton of time to check in here.
In addition to work, I'm doing several things to GAL. I thoroughly cleaned out the garage which had accumulated a tone of empty boxes, old area rugs, and all the things that can pile up in a garage. I'm also trying to clean up my paper and digital files to reduce some complexity in life. Plus, since it is something you can visibly see quick results from, it is a good way to build some initiative up to tackle bigger issues. I've also started to make more time to read books I've accumulated over the years. Lastly, I've been getting out with family and friends regularly with another outing with college friends coming up this Friday.
W sent me her list of potential counselors. I sent mine back. W was a bit put off that insurance doesn't cover marital counseling. I've just let this topic sit in limbo since W initiated the discussion.
We discussed updating our family budget for the remaining time we had together. I shared with W that several new expenses, combined with record levels of inflation, led to significant increases in our expenses last year. W got angry that I wouldn't just cover these overages because I make more than double what she makes. I reiterated that we agreed to split expenses in proportion of our salaries to overall income and are supposed to maintain the status quo until the D is resolved. This practice has been status quo.
W said she'd have to talk with her L about this (likely meaning L will tell her to seek more in our financial settlement). I stated that it is W's right to talk with her attorney and that I can't force her to add anything to our family account. I further stated that I wanted to be transparent about our expenses and, to me, it is unfair for me to solely absorb an increase in our shared expenses. I ended the conversation by saying that I was going to increase my contributions to our family account, consistent with what we'd long ago agreed on and what has been our long-standing practice.
Phew. This conversation led me to start thinking about getting back to working on my boundaries for common relationships (at work, family, friends, in relationships), etc. and I'm genuinely looking forward to tackling some self-improvement work in that space. I know it will be beneficial and can become a valuable skill to teach D13 earlier in life since it isn't something you'll find in most schools' curricula.
Have a good week everyone. I hope to be more active out here in catching up on your situations and offering some feedback.
A big well done to the declutterring. It is amazing how much stuff one accumulates over the years.
Originally Posted by MrP
W sent me her list of potential counselors. I sent mine back. W was a bit put off that insurance doesn't cover marital counseling. I've just let this topic sit in limbo since W initiated the discussion.
Perfect. Continue to let her lead this. She initiated the counsellor idea/topic. When someone does the heavy lifting of finding, arranging, etc, they might actually put forth effort and take it seriously. It’s a better chance than if you did the effort. Kind of making her work for it, without placing boulders in the path. Also, don’t be afraid to veto a proposed counsellor if you are not comfortable with them.
Originally Posted by MrP
I reiterated that we agreed to split expenses in proportion of our salaries to overall income and are supposed to maintain the status quo until the D is resolved.
Good. You didn’t get dragged into her baiting.
Ah, accountability and responsibility. They really don’t like that.
Holding her accountable to the agreed upon terms is perfectly fine. And it is a good thing for her to feel the sting from her choices.
Originally Posted by MrP
Phew. This conversation led me to start thinking about getting back to working on my boundaries for common relationships (at work, family, friends, in relationships), etc. and I'm genuinely looking forward to tackling some self-improvement work in that space. I know it will be beneficial and can become a valuable skill to teach D13 earlier in life since it isn't something you'll find in most schools' curricula.
Boundaries, self worth, resilience, self reliance, self respect, are excellent tenets to instil in your daughter (and of course yourself).
My youngest son works many hours on his university and research and he sees how precious the few hours for friends and family are. We were talking about XW/Mom’s latest round of frantic texting and then her lashing out at him. He relayed his philosophy and how he deals with her and other problem people.
“I know what my time is worth, and if someone starts to waste it - we’re done, they can go.”
I hope your week is good as well. My week is starting as the tail end of a blizzard blows itself out. Once the 80 km/hr wind die down, I’ll have to remove the two foot high snow drifts that are blocking the lane, sideways, deck, dog pen, etc. And to think, yesterday my yard was bare grass. Still, it’s a great day over here.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks D and R2C. Interesting twist on the counselor front. W now believes it may be best for her to resume individual counseling and for me to attend some of those sessions if I'm willing. I'm supportive of this because the last MC we saw told me in a private session that until W deals with some past trauma issues, it would be difficult for our marriage to make progress. As DNJ suggests, I continue to let W shoulder this work.
Also, W sent me a message letting me know that she adjusted her contributions to our family account after all. I'd updated mine two days earlier and didn't let her know because, to me, it was the right thing to do and consistent with our past practice. Perhaps W's L told her she could just recoup it in any D settlement if we get through that process. The sun will rise tomorrow either way so that's all the thought I'm going to give that topic.
DNJ, the garage is an organized masterpiece. A good hard snow like you described can still be as much of a beautiful thing to see as a burden to shovel! We went from being covered in snow to nothing but our bare grass again. I probably need to drop the first round of fertilizer this weekend. Darn global warming! And, DNJ, I love your son's approach. There is an internet meme that talks about being surprised people can cut others out of their life so easily and the caption says "Me" under a picture of a man holding an exceptionally large and long knife. I've had to similarly cut toxic family and friends out of our lives and agree, they are free to go.
R2C, we just did this exact thing with mediator choices. I'm hopeful will settle on our own before having to pay Ls and a mediator to sit there for hours at their respective hourly rates. But, fate will unwind as it must and I'll do the best I can with what I can control. This is the way, after all!
Hi all. Just here to note a few interesting developments. First, W has punted back to me to pick either a new marital counselor or an individual counselor for her. I've yet to respond. Seems like I should respectfully reply that these tasks seem best left to her.
Also, my bday is approaching and it is a "milestone". W continues to ask me what I want to do. I've deflected the initial two requests. Today, W asked if I wanted even wanted her to attend. I said, "I leave that to her to decide". This was a bit more of a reflexive or reactive response because I've got many people asking me what I want to do (and I'm not a "Hey let's all celebrate me and give me attention" kind of person).
I had been thinking about telling W that I'd rather she not attend. I want to be surrounded by people who love me, care for me, and truly want to celebrate with me. A pending D doesn't, to me, align with my desired bday experience. I want pictures and memories to be positive ones. Perhaps I need to revisit this conversation with W and indicate that, after further thought, I think it best that my family and immediate friends only attend.
As always, I appreciate your thoughts. Have a great night. P
