Just about done

[Catman19]

I guess my question is should i refuse her request to have any friendship after divorce is final or leave that as a slight possibility in the future depending on her behaviour

[Cadet]

I'll stick with my previous answer.

Have you read the pursuit and distance thread?

Stop pursuing, let her pursue you, you are a prize!

[Catman19]

Im definitely not pursuing her. She just left house took a whole bunch of useless stuff from my house, considering shes living in a condo and she has a storage unit, shes going to fill up storage unit with stuff shell never go through and sort, much like she still has stuff at her parents. So shes going to carry all her baggage like a gypsie, and the more she takes the more i can make her stay stuck with memories of things we owned together and im quite easily a minimalist that will only store necessities in brothers garage in a corner and will be free of any attachments. And considering I’ll be 5000km away across the ocean with a new phone number she wont even have a way to pursue me. I am just debating whether i should even leave the door open to future communication. I think that is only even a possibility for me if she ever realizes she [censored] up and changes and thats not to even physically let her into my life again.

Funny thing i got a fresh haircut and hair dye to get rid of greys this week and I came home to her here ready to sort things and i purposely came home in tight fitting workout clothes from my pilates class and i could see her checking me out but I pretended not to notice. Sure feels empowering and for me a subtle way to remind her what shes losing as I’m in the best shape of my life by a mile and by being indifferent I’m letting her see how little I care about whats left here and looking forward to move away. Shes still in the fog with new guy so its a great way to pawn off all the useless [censored] to her and to get cooperation.

See the difference between men and women most of the time is a man will typically be alone and will take all the hurt and pain he is forced to endure and will take an emotional hit in the beginning and then redirect the energy to bettering themselves and improving any lacking areas. A woman will cope by using external affection and validation to feel good and put off the reckoning of the reality of the situation to when the damage is done.

Im going to let her experience this first hand without any influence. Best way to make someone value what you were while living by the seat of their pants of emotional rollercoaster is to fully extract yourself from their life.

I must admit I'm glad i came on this board, the GAL approach really should be the only approach. Not only do you set yourself up for success going forward but you also make the straying partner feel your loss, both physically and emotionally.

[SteveLW]

I guess my question is should i refuse her request to have any friendahip after divorce is final or leave that as a slight possibility in the future depending on her behaviour

If she brings up being friends after divorce I'd respond with something short. Like: "That's not a possibility for me."

Then walk away.

Remember, the more you engage with her the more damage you do. Be scarce. Be mysterious. As Cadet alluded to, the more you stay distant, the more she will wonder why.

[URE]

Answer honestly. I'd guess that you don't know how you'll feel after a divorce is finalized. Feelings change along the way, including yours. You may not want to be friends. It may be best for you to move on and heal. Or you might not care whether you're friends. Do you know?

[DnJ]

Good Morning Catman

You do not need to make a firm decision about the future. Looks like you are trying to decide black or white.

It’s ok, and possible, to love someone and yet not like them. If/when STBXW brings up future friendship say/think along the lines of:

My friends don’t treat me this way.

It answers the present moment of friendship with how she is currently behaving. And informs her (and you) of your boundary on such disrespectful behaviour.

Yes, the door is therefore open a crack. You might close it later. Or you might not. Leave the future to unveil itself as it will. Deal with the present moments.

D

[Catman19]

Yeah the only way the door stays open even a Crack is if there is dramatic change and remorse for everything she put me through and the behaviours she continues destroying her entire life with. That being said I am not letting any of this phase me in my direction and decision making. I'm exactly 2 months away from leaving the country for good, separation agreement should be in place before house sale closes firm and then I can take care of the divorce remotely as needed. I've made it clear I don't keep friends in my life that do even a fraction of what she has done to me, I truly do think Noone of this has hit her reality yet, she truly needs to lose me physically, emotionally, legally, all ties cut to actually realize what she is losing. Seeing her communication with OM4 has shown me her true self and any words she says to me are hollow, also seeing this has made it easier for me to realize there is no willingness or effort to work on herself or any of her behaviours. I am perfectly fine not having any communications with her in the future but the only slim chance is nothing less than a complete reformation of herself, I do not see this happening until she is on OM 5, OM 7, and so on. She will have to learn first hand that a man like me is rarer than any broken soul she gets attention from.

[SteveLW]

Answer honestly. I'd guess that you don't know how you'll feel after a divorce is finalized. Feelings change along the way, including yours. You may not want to be friends. It may be best for you to move on and heal. Or you might not care whether you're friends. Do you know?

The friend zone is the last place most LBHs want to be with their XW. Even the ones that think that's what they want are miserable when that's what ends up happening.

Besides, "I hope we can still be friends" is just something that WAWs say to cushion the blow. Very few of them really mean it. Better to say the expectation up front that you do not want that.

[Catman19]

I sense the wanting to be friends is less of her wanting to cushion things and more about having a source of emotional comfort having me in her life. In narcissism speak this is called keeping supply around, I truly sense she knows what shes losing because she hasn't been able to replicate it elsewhere, and in her moments of honesty has said as such and told me she really [censored] up. I don't feel a need to have her in my life in any manner but I also understand that when everything is done and I'm in a new environment those feelings might change, but not in anyway to have her entire my life in any meaningful way. I have purposely not sought out a new partner and have worked on myself first and made sure all ties and attachments with her are cut before I even open my heart to someone new. I have taught myself to not have any hate towards her and still pray for her well being as im a person of strong faith, but I also understand I cannot have her influence in my life. I guess striking a proper balance is the key for me, but being in a different country and surrounded by family with a new life ahead of me will put me in an ideal situation to succeed.

[Catman19]

Just some musings and getting stuff off my chest here

For those who went and finalized divorce, how were the 1-2 months leading up to the finalizing of everything?
When was the peak of emotional torment and height of depression?
I know I cannot and should not turn back in any way, everything that i am doing is for the best outcome for my wellbeing but when does the stress and bitterness finally wear off?

I feel like im putting so many things on my shoulder all at the same time but i also know the band aid must be ripped off. It feels like an accumulation of everything is collecting all at once, i know i will feel somewhat better when im at least surrounded by family in a new environment and everything is done, but what did you guys find worked best to get into a proper state of mind to get over the final hurdle?
Physically and socially ive kept as busy as possible under the circumstances but my mental state seems to be all over the place.

Sorry if im all over the place, sometimes its just hard to get my thoughts down in a concise and cogent manner.

That being said i came across a relevant quote that struck me when thinking of the waywards and mlcs


Happiness is like a butterfly, the more you chase it, the more it will elude, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder

This quote really hit me because the year I found out she was having affairs, we went to a butterfly sanctuary in Aruba and i have a picture of her with a butterfly on her shoulder. It reminded me that she is chssing happiness when the happiness she is chasing is something that she had and could never replicate. Sometimes the life you have can give you all the happiness you desire if you chose to live in the moment and time