Hey B89. I wanted to share a few thoughts on sleeping. I just got over a bad virus of some kind and the doctor I saw recommended using some melatonin to help me sleep. A few years back during my first go-round with DBing, my doc prescribed Trazodone which originally was an anti-depressive but they've more wildly been prescribing it as an effective sleep aid. I took it when I wasn't naturally falling asleep and then worked my way off of it. Even some of the OTC sleep aids can be fine if exercise, decreasing blue light devices before bed, and other methods don't work.
Letting go of the past, memories, and experiences is almost always tough. I wish you didn't have to endure it. You did great by not calling her, no good would've come from it. Just do what you need to do to get through the day, try some things that reliably lift your spirits, and practice whatever self-care you need so that your health doesn't start to steadily slip by you. We're here as needed too.
Thank you all for the recommendations. I tried ZzzQuil the last couple of nights and it worked surprisingly well. I'm not sure if it's a coincidence, but I had fewer dreams and better quality sleep.
I've been thinking of making a doctor's appointment. I'm not entirely sure I would want to get on SSRI's. I've tried them before and never liked the way they made me feel.
I unfortunately broke my no contact rule last night. I'm not proud of it, but I was having a breakdown and couldn't resist calling her. She was nice enough, said she had a rough day as well a couple of days ago. She said she was about to leave but she would check in on me tomorrow (today).
She did text me this morning to say she was sorry she couldn't talk last night and asked me how I was today. I haven't responded yet. I'm not sure what to do, as I want to stick with DBing and not depend on her for support. I'm mad at myself because I was doing so well with no contact...
She did text me this morning to say she was sorry she couldn't talk last night and asked me how I was today. I haven't responded yet. I'm not sure what to do, as I want to stick with DBing and not depend on her for support. I'm mad at myself because I was doing so well with no contact...
It happens. Dust off, regroup, and make improvements going forward. In terms of responding, I'd borrow a page from the Validation thread and keep it short and simple. Something like "Good. Thanks" and that's it. Or, you might toss in something that validates you heard she was having a tough time too like "It's understandable you felt bad too" or something similar that shows you heard her. I recommend reviewing the validation thread or Googling empathy and validation statements. Good luck. Thoughtfulness and practice, practice, practice until these things become new habits.
Forgive yourself. It's in the past, can't control it -- so you have to let it go.
Resolve now to choose differently for yourself in the future.
What other things will you do next time if you feel that 'irresistible' or suffocating need to reach out. Plan for your alternative actions NOW, while your mind is in a better space. And commit to do those things instead.
If you haven't yet responded to her, something like, 'Hey, thanks for reaching out. I'm doing good! About to go X, Y, Z (fun activity you used to always do and are getting back into or new thing you are trying -- because you are getting a life, right?). Sorry to hear you were having some rough days. I hope you have a better one today! '
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
I agree. Mistakes happen and your shouldn't beat yourself up. We have all done it.
However, own it. "I couldn't resist" isn't accurate. You didn't resist, but yes, you could have. Framing it as outside of your control sets you up for another incident. Just own it. And resolve to do better.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hi Friends! I haven't posted in a while and a lot has happened in the past 4 months, so I thought I would give an update and get some feedback from all the great people on here, who helped me tremendously in the early stages.
I took a lot of great advice from you all and managed to disconnect completely from my wife. I do not contact her ever and only respond to texts pertaining to the divorce filing. I have focused on work, exercising, and tried to get back into the dating scene. The good news is that I no longer care or think about my soon to be ex-wife. I have moved on (I think) and am okay with the divorce. The bad news is the main reason why.
I started using dating apps and matched with a woman who had also just gotten out of a long term relationship. She was in my area briefly and headed back home for the holidays, so we did not have time to meet in person initially. We texted / called every single day for the last four months and developed in a very strong connection. I finally flew to meet her last week and spent 3 days with her.
We had a great time together. She initiated physical touch, kissing and we ended up having sex multiple times throughout the weekend. She is an extremely compassionate and caring person and showed me more attention and affection in 3 days than I got in my 12 year marriage. She opened my eyes to a completely new dynamic, something I know I needed and craved for so long. Long story short, I got way too attached too quickly and started developing strong feelings for her. I know this is all because of my co-dependent ways and trying to fill a void in my heart.
Here's where it gets messy and I need some much needed life advice. Please keep in mind that I got married in my early 20's and am now in my mid 30's and hadn't had much dating experience prior to meeting my wife. We never truly discussed what we "were" or wanted from each other throughout the past four months. I told her last weekend in person that I cared about her a lot and wanted to know how she felt about this. She told me she liked me a lot and definitely cared about me a lot but wasn't ready for a relationship with anyone at the moment as she just got out of a relationship that "messed her up". She said that it was just bad timing.
She still initiated cuddling, making out and sex after we had that conversation. Our chemistry was very passionate and loving and not just purely physical, which really messed with me more. She is very busy with her career and trying to figure out where to move to next. She is an extremely independent person and totally fine with being on her own for a while. She also has a lot more dating experience than I have.
I am rambling but I feel like I invested so much time and energy in her over the last four months, and she emotionally helped me through so much, and I definitely thought we could ease into a relationship together. I feel like I am going through a second bout of heartache. I know this is all mostly my fault for not dealing with my emotions the right way and trying to replace something that is terribly missing in my life. She admittedly said that neither of us were ready to be in a relationship at this time and I think she is probably right.
She is still initiating conversations (texting) with me and while I have no doubt she truly cares about me, I am not sure where we stand moving forward other than being friends. I am finding myself in the same cycle as after my separation with my wife, which is to prepare for the worst but hope for the best. I don't want to lose her as a friend, but I am definitely hurting at the thought of not having something more with her. It is so difficult for me to find this level of comfort and trust with another person. Do I just give it time or simply move on for my sake?
I'd like to add my two cents in this. It seems you tried to cope with the impending divorce with your stbxw by filling that void, that need for intimate and personal connection. You likely missed the feeling you had with your wife and the closeness and projected these feelings and desires into another person, she likely did the same with you, sort of testing the waters. You probably have not fully healed from the hurt of your marriage and haven't looked inward and put in as much work as possible into your own self building and reflecting on who you are as a person. Think of it this way imagine your wife doing the same thing and bonding/connecting with a new person, this is purely coping and trying to remove a piece from the puzzle that is you and your identity and slotting a new puzzle piece hoping it fits perfectly and keeps the puzzle intact as if it was never broken or scrambled in the first place. While the feelings and connection made you feel alive again, this was a temporary fix, like putting duct tape on a broken bumper of your car hoping the car stays intact and whole.
Sometimes in these situations it's best to build the puzzle from the ground up and start with the pieces that are the most important, and when you are ready to finish the puzzle put in the pieces that complete your life puzzle only if they fit correctly.
I too thought going on dating apps and trying to connect with someone new in the immediate aftermath would bring me happiness and although many people will casually say you'll find someone new, you're still young, there's plenty of fish in the sea, etc. The truth is life and desires, emotions and personal relationships are much more complex than that. You need to start from the ground up and develop ways to find long term solutions for what you want your life to be, whether you still have hope of your ex or with someone new. Never has God given us such a glaring and obvious opportunity to look inward and improve ourselves and try to fix what is lacking in our character and work on truly finding out what we want of ourselves and from our life. Once we have done this hard work only then can we truly move on, in one direction or another. I know all this sounds cliche but the road we travel to reach our destination is not always best approached with shortcuts, we are only cheating ourselves and delaying the journey by adding obstacles
