Are you missing your ex or the stability and routine marriage brings? Either way it’s honestly perfectly normal. It’s weird, I recently found out my ex may be moving states away and there would be no chance of really ever seeing her or running into her again. For a moment that brought a hollow feeling to my stomach. Don’t be to hard on yourself.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Are you missing your ex or the stability and routine marriage brings? Either way it’s honestly perfectly normal. It’s weird, I recently found out my ex may be moving states away and there would be no chance of really ever seeing her or running into her again. For a moment that brought a hollow feeling to my stomach. Don’t be to hard on yourself.
Both I guess. But probably more the routine and comfort.
Why's your ex moving?
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Yes, it’s normal to miss the way things, and who we once, were. The new routine, the new house, all takes time to become one’s now norm. Change, letting go, grieving of one’s old life and acceptance of one’s new, takes time.
Keep moving forward. Strengthen that which serves. Craft that which you aspire to. Find you, forge you, in this new landscape.
And do be gentle on yourself. There is grief with all this change. Bargaining. Depression. No magical way through it. No fast track. One can de-track themselves, only deferring until again later on. Lessons unlearnt, do and will repeat. Best to do it right/well the first time.
What did your custody schedule end up being?
Does son have a set of his stuff at your house? Toothbrush, comb, clothes, shoes, coats, game system, etc; so there is less “moving”; less living out of a suitcase. Some items, the game system for example, might take a while to have one in each of his houses.
His houses.
An interesting comment from some kids of a divorced coworker. Years ago, the four of us - him, I, and his kids - were out for a pizza supper. The two sisters, 5 and 8 years old, said they had two bedrooms. I commented, oh you each have your own room, thinking how big a house they live in. They replied, no we both have two bedrooms: one at Dad’s home, and one at Mom’s home. We have two homes.
I was profoundly struck at how well adapted and accepting that view is. How much more easily children “can” accept. They simply have two homes.
Anyhow, hope you have a great day T.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Yes, it’s normal to miss the way things, and who we once, were. The new routine, the new house, all takes time to become one’s now norm. Change, letting go, grieving of one’s old life and acceptance of one’s new, takes time.
Keep moving forward. Strengthen that which serves. Craft that which you aspire to. Find you, forge you, in this new landscape.
And do be gentle on yourself. There is grief with all this change. Bargaining. Depression. No magical way through it. No fast track. One can de-track themselves, only deferring until again later on. Lessons unlearnt, do and will repeat. Best to do it right/well the first time.
What did your custody schedule end up being?
Does son have a set of his stuff at your house? Toothbrush, comb, clothes, shoes, coats, game system, etc; so there is less “moving”; less living out of a suitcase. Some items, the game system for example, might take a while to have one in each of his houses.
His houses.
An interesting comment from some kids of a divorced coworker. Years ago, the four of us - him, I, and his kids - were out for a pizza supper. The two sisters, 5 and 8 years old, said they had two bedrooms. I commented, oh you each have your own room, thinking how big a house they live in. They replied, no we both have two bedrooms: one at Dad’s home, and one at Mom’s home. We have two homes.
I was profoundly struck at how well adapted and accepting that view is. How much more easily children “can” accept. They simply have two homes.
Anyhow, hope you have a great day T.
D
Thanks. Yeah, he pretty much has his same set up at both places (clothes, PS5's, toys, etc). He pretty much just brings his book bag and sports equipment back and forth.
The hardest part he's having, and it's something I didn't really anticipate, is HE feels guilty when he's not with one of us. Like, he's been sick and on antibiotics the last week. He's always been terrible at taking that medicine, so he wanted to spent the nights at her place. But she texted one night and asked me to call him and tell him it's ok if he stays there, cause he feels bad about not coming to my place. that's happened 2 or 3 times in the last 2 months.
Our custody is 50/50, but we haven't really stuck to the schedule yet. Between her living at her parents for a month, then getting moved into her place, he's been with me a lot. and since she basically refuses to take him to his practices, I have him more even though she's moved in now.
I guess I'm a pretty 'routine-oriented' person, and it's just been hard to get any type of consistency with anything. I'm sure it'll come in time though
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Hey T. I'm just popping my head up to say that this is all normal stuff. Transitions take time - as much time as they require. We can help by staying on our path of continued self-improvement, knowing that we're doing the right things as best we can. Sorry to hear you're son is sick and struggling a bit with guilt. We know it isn't his fault and there's no reason to feel guilty. I hope you can have a good heart-to-heart with him to listen to what he is experiencing.
I suspect you've still got some routines, at least ones that are within your control, that you provide some stability. Of course, you're also building new ones as you move through the transition that is D. Keep up the good work, one foot in front of the other, every day. Continue giving yourself and your son 100%. You'll know when you're not and luckily in most cases we get the next day to try again. All the best, P.
Hi folks. It's been over a month since I gave an update.
Not too much new to report. XW and I seem to be on pretty good terms as far as coparenting. 2 weekends ago I took son to his State wrestling tournament about 4 hours away. XW came the next day. We stayed at the same hotel, but different rooms. That was a little weird, but was ok.
Son seems to be doing well. I know it still bothers him going back and forth though.
As for me, things have been up and down. The first month or two after the D, I thought I was doing great. But really, I was just too busy to think/dwell on things. Busy with our son, busy with the new house, etc. But in the last few weeks, it seems reality has set in. I don't really have any feelings going on for XW, but I have been having a LOT of dreams about her. Good dreams, bad dreams. I guess that's normal, but it [censored] waking up sad or mad.
Anyway, a coworker is now going through the same thing. Married for over a decade, 2 young kids, and his W asked for a D because she's 'not happy'. I gave him my copy of Divorce Busting. Hope it helps him as it's helped us!
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Congratulations to son on the wrestling tournament. I enjoy seeing kids involved in activities other than their phone. lol.
The dreams come and go. It’s one’s subconscious declutterring, organizing, categorizing, etc. I find the dreams never really go away; I still dream about XW every now and then. I also dream about old gone pets and grandparents, my childhood, previous vacations, learning to drive, family camping, flying (like superman, not in a plane, though I have dreamt about being a pilot too), building my deck, my kids, my work and career, and on and on. My XW is a rather wee sliver of the landscape of my dreams.
Funny thing, I dreamt about her just before waking up this every morning. Like most dreams it was kind of odd. My Mom and daughter were in it too, and we were all back in my childhood home.
We were standing in the never-used front door area. It was a small approximately four by four foot area with a coat closet to the right upon entry and directly entering the living room to the left. We always used the back door as the front was for letting the dog in and out and retrieving the mail.
Anyhow, I awoke from my slumber, recalled the fond memories - yes that included XW (a benefit of forgiveness I suppose), got up, and when about my day. The likely reason for such subconscious mental stirrings - Easter weekend. The family is getting together here today for super and visiting.
It takes time. My personal guideline is about one year after divorce is finalized to settle. Each milestone (as applicable in situation and locale) - separating, legal separation, cooldown period, divorced signed by both parties, and divorce signed and finalized by courts/judge - takes a period of time to settle. For the fortunate, the process of reconciliation has milestones that also require time to find one’s balance and center.
Turns out, time is companion along our journey, not an adversary. Walk with time, walk with peaceful intent. In time, dreams no longer yield sad or mad.
Have a wonderful Easter.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
As I said before, XW and I are coparenting pretty well. But this last week has pissed me off some.
We have a 2-2-5 custody schedule, which we have yet to follow. That's mostly due to us moving during the first month, our work schedules, sons practice schedules and activities, etc. And that's been working pretty well for us. Historically, I work 7-3ish, and she works 9-5ish. This week she basically said that she can't leave work early every day to pick him up from school, and since I 'always get home at 2, I shouldn't have a problem getting him'. So basically, I leave work early and get him from school, take him to practice from 5-7, then drop him at her place after. Apparently it never crossed her mind that once divorced, she would have to adjust her precious work schedule (which she can easily do) to meet his needs.
Then, I got him from school yesterday, and she texted that she was picking him up at 5. I planned on having him all night. I said ok, and told him he would come to my place tomorrow (tonight). She texted this morning and said going back and forth is really bothering him, and he wants to stay at her place tonight. I wrote back and told her that's fine, but we need to start following the schedule.
I don't think she wants that, because it would mean she would have to adjust her schedule, start taking him to practices, etc. I hate to 'make' our son stay at one of our places if he doesn't want to on a particular night. But I also hate forcing him to decide where he wants to go every night.
Following the court ordered custody schedule is the right thing to do. But it's not always possible.
End rant
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Your rant started me thinking about my situation. Custody schedules feel offensive to me. More the very notion slams in your face a broken family. My W adopted a bunch of this verbiage from her divorced friends. Oh I understand the reasons. And the necessity in many situations. Perhaps yours is one of them. Consistency for children is so important.
My W started down that path some saying, “that way we can tell the kids and let the schedule be the bad guy.” If felt like a an excuse to avoid taking responsibility. She was avoiding having to say something like “D17, S12, I decided you are to stay with me these nights.”
Me…I feel a little unique and strange here. At least for now. I didn’t want to move mine from the only home they have every really known. D18 can make her own decisions, and isn’t planning on moving out any time soon. D17 is unlikely to ever want to move into any place W goes. This is her home. S12 is the only question in the future. Though, I don’t see that S12 would like it if his sisters were here on their own decision and he was forced to split time. The three siblings are a unit. In front of the mediator though we agreed to a notional schedule ... the mediator noted that despite what the paper said she saw we were going to adjust on the fly whatever we wanted to do.
For the most stability, W agreed they would stay with me in the home. The notional settlement just says they will stay with me since W doesn’t have a suitable place for kids. To keep it this way though, I have agreed that W can come to the home during my work hours on weekdays. Though it can be exhausting, I like having them fully. But I will not obstruct any time W wants to have them over and she believes me. So far she has not asked for them over.
The lawyer I consulted found this very rare. He said only once in 30 years has he seen this much focus been put on stability for the children. I didn’t tell him I wanted it just as much for me and at lest for now am willing to take the damage of W in the home.
We’ll see what she thinks in six months or a year. Or if she can achieve a “suitable place” for them to also reside.
We'll see what I feel about the daytime home sharing also.
g
H:54 W:50 D19, D17, S12 ILYBINILWY 3/23 DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23 DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-5 & W moves out 8/23 – 3/24 Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
