Sounds like you are being passive aggressive and trying to punish her. Why not include her and show her what she’ll be missing? These are things you should be doing while trying to reconcile with an unenthusiastic WAW.
50 years is quite a milestone! I hope you have a wonderful celebration.
Originally Posted by MrP
my bday is approaching and it is a "milestone". W continues to ask me what I want to do. I've deflected the initial two requests. Today, W asked if I wanted even wanted her to attend.
It likely wouldn’t hurt your situation to speak with her about your upcoming birthday and the day’s itinerary. Yes, deflect conversations so not to get embroiled in an argument or some such. However, that deflecting is more to buy yourself time to get emotionally settled and organized and therefore to better speak rationally. It’s not to deflect indefinitely. Direct question, give her direct answer.
“Oh I plan to hang out with family (specify by name Mom, Dad, kids, etc) and friends (names again). Nothing carved in stone yet. Maybe we’ll go bowling. Would you be interested in joining in?”
Time and space. No pressure. And invite them to some family events with no expectation of their attendance or not.
Can you handle such a day? Having W attend? I suspect you can. So respond, and invite her, and let her do the heavy lifting by agreeing or not agreeing to attend.
It’s subtle, you don’t decide for her. Which is what she trying to get you to do. Let her own her choice.
You will enjoy your birthday either way. You are healed pretty well methinks. If you were not, I’d suggest differently.
Originally Posted by MrP
W has punted back to me to pick either a new marital counselor or an individual counselor for her. I've yet to respond. Seems like I should respectfully reply that these tasks seem best left to her.
I think this is another conversation to be had. Validate her apparent hesitancy to choose or find counsellors. And “kindly” hold her accountable.
You’ve mentioned, and it seems like, W’s confidence in her path is wavering. Those whispers of doubt speaking in her ear.
A big thing, they test the LBS to see if they can be, could be, accepted and forgiven. This is also them seeing if they themselves can forgive themself. Hence, the apparent hesitancy or fence sitting or delaying by her. Other feelings are stirring within her.
W’s interest in your birthday, her pushing the D and its process more onto you, seem to be a “test” of sorts. It’s different than a baiting emotional temp check. Remember, look to her actions, not so much her words. Remain kind and cordial, focusing on you and kids, moving forward, and allowing her to catch up. That last one takes some purposeful effort - allowing her to catch up. Not placing boulders in her path, and not paving it either.
Have a great day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks, Boat. You hit the nail on the head in terms of what I worry about doing and don't intend to do. I'm trying to balance detachment and upholding boundaries for my well-being with the core ideas behind DBing related to exploring a potential shift towards R, piecing, etc. if this truly has the potential to move in that direction.
Likewise, thanks DnJ. I did just as you suggested and let W decide and she chose to join us. I agree that this feels different than a temperature check. As a reminder, W has social anxiety issues and accompanying issues can include avoidance, difficulty making decisions, and more challenges. We also are slated for mediation soon and our Ls have suggested that our next court date in early summer could be an official D date if we have a settlement together by then. So, I wonder what counseling/therapy can achieve in this short timeframe. I feel some concern that revisiting W's marital concerns could make the situation worse in terms of firing W up as we head into trying to settle.
When we went through this ~5 years ago, our counselor at the time told me several things at my last visit:
1) W indicated that I'd become the "perfect husband" 2) Our marriage would struggle to move forward until W dealt with past trauma 3) Most women that come into her (the counselor's office) "would kill to have a partner like you (me)".
I'm still a work in progress and am far from perfect. It's hard not to wonder if both D13 and I may be better off if the D moves forward given the lack of substantial effort on W's part. I appreciate that she *may* be doing the best she can. I just feel some mental exhaustion trying to juggle both the near-term, impending potential of a D with putting more effort back into what may become an initial repair attempt.
Phew. Feels good to just type that out. In any event, I do plan to validate her feelings and to try to gently maintain accountability for selecting a new therapist.
Again, much appreciated Boat and D, as well as those just reading along. I hope you get some benefit from my sharing my situation.
I have been following your story and am grateful for your insights. It looks like you have done wonders in turning your life around.
Keep it up and keep posting. It is helpful to me as well to push myself when I have a down day. Not lose hope, keep up patience and consistency in my actions.
Any thoughts you have on my situation on occasion would be appreciated. You are much further along and have faced a number of the things that are still in the fog of uncertainty for me.
Happy Friday, all. Things are pretty much moving along slow and easy. Talked with a potential therapist today who does both couples counseling and discernment counseling. Told her that I'm open to either and that it seems it might be best to start with discernment to figure out if couples is even worth it for me. This therapist is talking with W next week.
W picked another therapist and we'll do a preview session with that late next week or early the following week.
My L asked if she should follow up with W's L on some items missing from the docs they submitted, not wanting to rock the boat related to counseling. I told L to do her thing: the D should follow its path and the counseling/therapy its own.
Otherwise, I'm enjoying the college basketball tournament, helping a friend move, picking up some new clothes, and some home improvement projects. I forgot how much I missed just focusing on things like this - living in the moment as they say. I also ran across a quote that I thought was quite timely and possibly helpful for others in the group:
Sometimes the greatest act of letting go is letting the person learn their own lessons. Allowing someone to sit in their struggles and suffering without saving the day is what will not only teach them lessons, it will leave them with an understanding of how to apply them.
I hope you find it as useful of a reminder as it's been for me. Cheers!
Good luck in the process Mr P. Having spent so much time in your predicament just remember that it takes a lot of strength and fortitude to fight through it and show a positive path for your daughter . She will be grateful in the later years and will give you an overwhelming sense of satisfaction that despite everything you still managed to create guidance and a kind heart to her.
Thanks, Catman19. My daughter and I have a good relationship. She confides in me, we talk openly, and I try to be her biggest fan (while still being a parent vs. trying to be a "friend" or "cool dad"). I speak positively to her about W, actively listen to what D13 has to say, and reassure her that irrespective of what happens, she and I will be OK. I regularly check-in with her. W and I put D13 front and center in decisions where that is appropriate. Lots of family also offer D13 regular support and love. I appreciate the reminder to keep doing all these things and more!
Good morning, great people in this DB forum. I hope you're doing as well as possible. Work has been crazy so between that and juggling prep for both marital counseling and D mediation, I've not made time to check in or post.
Things are going well. I've kept up GALing, working out, and balancing detachment with positively approaching our upcoming resumption of counseling. D13 is handling things well, regularly checking in with me about the situation (since W is less forthcoming). D13 has a good therapist, caring grandparents, and supportive friends.
Some leadership changes at work are also boding well for me in terms of opportunities to step up which would be great timing. I continue to feel quite at peace about the potential outcomes of my current DB effort.
Hope to post more this weekend. Hang in there to those of you at an earlier point in the process or struggling to find some hope. You have to do what is in your control to try and boost your happiness.
Last edited by DnJ; 04/05/2402:36 PM. Reason: Corrected typo.
Thanks, D. The timing would be good for a positive career change. I feel a bit taken for granted at work (and, admittedly, as I contemplate mediation, in this marriage too LOL).
Counseling starts next week so I'm interested to see what value can come from that.
The weekend was great. With all the sporting events taking place right now, I'm in heaven. A close friend and I got together three times last week - the most we've probably seen each other in a single week in years.
Workouts seem to be paying off too. A belt size slimmer. Muscles are starting to remember a time when we could work out more often.
Home repairs/improvements continue. Can't hurt me either way and keeps me busy. Plus, the satisfaction of a job well done is not to be underestimated.
I hope you have a wonderful celebration.