Just about done

[DnJ]

As much as my heart is still fighting me I understand that I cannot live in this constant state of limbo between heart and mind.

Why?

Cannot? Really? It’s impossible? Word choice colors your reality. If you say, and therefore reinforce, something is a “cannot be done” your mind will make it so.

It's an exhausting battle…

Yes it is.

And it’s a difficult one.

Not impossible.


Embrace limbo.


Embracing limbo does require realizing or setting the demarcation of one’s limbo. Limbo is only your romantic life. Hobbies, work, gal, fun, vacations, friends, family, God kids, movies, restaurants, gardening, housework, redecorating, remodelling, painting, and so on - all NOT limbo!

I suppose embracing limbo is actually embracing that which is not in limbo. Well, embracing both I suppose.



At any rate, yes it is a battle. Though why? Who are the participants in this battle? One so them is you. So, who are you fighting?

Of course, you are fighting yourself. Heart vs mind.

Divorced, a new country, doesn’t resolve this battle within.

Look to your deeply held beliefs and convictions. Those biases and prejudices are from a lifetime of experiences and interactions. Some are golden and some are ugly. Strengthen that which serves. Craft that which you aspire to. Discard or alter that which does not, or no longer serves.

“That which you aspire to.” What do you aspire?

Whole, healed, peace, contentment, acceptance, forgiveness?

Do you believe such? Deep down?

Discover, categorize, and organize your convictions. Those tenets of your life. Ensure you are satisfied with them and your direction of your growth. Does it serve? Ensure it does (make it so) and listen/follow your beliefs.

Those deep values are very slow to change, unlike feelings and thoughts. It’s this slowness that makes such convictions excellent heading for life (once they are organized). The foundation that can weather life’s storms.


The battle is with yourself. Fighting begets fighting. Employ a different tact. Embrace instead of fight. Let your beliefs lead your heart and life to peace.

You can live in limbo. “Can” allows choice. “Cannot” removes choice. You have choice. Do or do not.

As much as my heart is still fighting me I understand that I cannot do not want to live in this constant state of limbo between heart and mind.

This view/wording is open to more/different possibilities and opportunities for resolution. One of which is looking to what specifically is it that you do not want. You’ll likely find a piece of paper doesn’t assuage that.

Embrace your golden opportunity.

Choice. Choosing limbo makes it not limbo. That will sound odd, until it doesn’t.

D

[Sunflyer]

Hi Catman:

I can't really add much to what others have advised, but I wanted to chime in just to let you know that I get what you are going through. My story is not exactly like yours, but there are MANY similarities, right down to the rapid switching of affair partners, the suspicion that I am involved with someone else, etc. (She was on her second AP within a couple of months after ending with the first, as best as I can reckon).

Your W's behavior follows a classic pattern that I have read on this and other forums, in case after case. You seem to understand what you need to do for yourself, but also that quite a bit of this is about her, not you, and that you cannot control that.

There's a saying that gets thrown around a lot here. Perhaps you've heard it. "You didn't break her, therefore you cannot fix her."

I am ten months out from BD (in my case, she wanted the divorce, not me), and I understand how you feel. But I can tell you that things do get easier with the passage of time. I am unquestionably in a better place now than I was ten months ago, even five months ago. Every time I am tempted to wallow in the past, I turn my mind toward something I enjoy: a hobby, movies, music, whatever, or I go out. It works!

It sounds like you are doing well with moving your life in a new direction, a better direction. I hear what you are saying about health and fitness. You are ahead of me in that regard, but I am trying to do better for myself, and I have seen changes. I like looking down and seeing a smaller stomach than I've had since my 20s! A few days ago my sister commented on how good I looked.

Keep forging ahead. It's all about YOU and your happiness at this point. Do not worry about whether she ultimately "gets it" or not, or what she is going through. That's not your problem.

You're going to be fine.

[Catman19]

Thank you for your kind words dnj and sunflyer. Yes while I say I cannot live in limbo I'm referring to getting closure on my situation. I know this will come, selling the home for me is the first step and finishing mediation the second. I am not letting my situation interfere with my goals and me being busy and active, I am no longer waiting on her for anything other than to sign any good offer we will receive and signing separation. My fitness and health is first and foremost right now. It's amazing how much physical activity can affect not only your appearance but your mood and confidence as well. I have almost become addicted to converting any negative energy I have into exercise and it no longer feels like a chore. The good weather is giving me something to look forward to as now I can do things like riding bike and playing golf with friends and such. A small part of me would actually be OK with keeping the house for myself, I'm short a bit on that front but who knows if some of my investments pan out its still maybe a possibility. Going back home is not so much to get away from things here but to give me a fresh start and take a risk albeit a small one, financially it is by far the best decision, I do not want to go backwards in quality of life as I would basically be working to pay rent and owning something will likely be out of the question. I've put a lot of thought into it and it's a hard decision not to make. I do have majority of my family back home and family is a huge thing for me, it gives me a foundation and allows me to cherish that which I have very little of here.

The battle of heart and mind will always be there. For me I do not make any decisions based solely on emotions as that has not served me well in the last year and a quarter but the battle will continue and I'm OK with that, this is the struggle of life. I have leaned on faith as much as I can and it has given me a sort of stoic strength, an impetus for perseverance and a catalyst to fight through anything that comes my way. I'm a simple man and I do not require extravagant lifestyle to meet my spiritual needs. Being humble in a materialistic world for me is important above all. I feel ready for any challenge that comes my way, I firmly believe that God gives us obstacles in life to test our faith and to make us stronger, and after the last year or so I feel like I have come a long way. Whether it be passed out in emergency from withdrawal, spending a week in rehab, fighting through severe depression and suicidal thoughts, I have learned to become an optimist and realize that I have gone through the worst.
I'll likely ever go through in my life and there's nowhere to go but up.

[Catman19]

Well a couple of things happened today. I received an offer while at work, I will admit it brought tears to my eyes as I still cherished what this home means to me and the part of my life it plated. The offer was low and I wanted to sign back still much closer to our asking price and if they don't budge I'll likely reject it.

Here is where the problem comes in, she received an email with the offer and suggestion on what to do from real estate agent and a text message from me. She acknowledged my text message. Half an hour later I spoke to agent and chose a course of action. I communicated this with her, but the message remains unread and the offer is about to expire. So it seems she is either hoping this goes away, is too busy with her new infatuation, or wants to continue to have her cake and eat it too. Although the offer is probably gonna get rejected, this is setting the tone for this whole process and is showing me how little she cares about something that could potentially have legal ramifications.

These ramifications being if there is a good concrete offer and she is avoiding the situation I will have to consider a) going to lawyer and seeing next steps and or b) going to court and proving that she is rejecting or refusing to comply with the sale

I had a feeling this would happen and it is in line with her adolescent, irresponsible behaviour . The legal route was my last resort but it seems I'm going to have to dig into proceeds of the first steps of my new future to make her do the right thing.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Catman

Congratulations on the offer. I understand it’s lower than asking, I suspect things will pick up going forward. Here, my locale, it is a bit early for the housing market as spring is just starting to poke out of the snow.

As for W, it’s pretty common to drag their feet. She’s done similar with the mediation process and with gathering of information too. You only control you. Keep walking your path, and do what you need to do.

Yes, you have become stronger, have come a long way and overcame many obstacles. Keep the faith and continue moving forward. Walk in the light.

D

[Catman19]

So just an update. I've been going hard on the GAL front and trying to fill my schedule as much as possible. Am much more physically active and feels great doing yoga now daily along with pre bedtime 45 minute intense ab workout, got a nice six pack going and feel great about it. Things are still difficult emotionally but not playing as much of a factor. I have not so much as checked chat log with her for a month now. Today she called me while I was driving home from nephews confirmation dinner, I accidentally answered phone via car not realizing it was her, she asks me about pension valuation paperwork, the same paperwork that I had sent into administrator 30 days ago and mediator told us could take 30-60 days. So she's basically too preoccupied in love bombing phase with new guy to do anything she should have done. Later on in the evening we get a better offer for the house. Which we spoke briefly about. As much as I tried to hold in the emotions, my voice broke while talking to her, before this she suggest we wait till fall to maybe get more money for it, I realized this would keep me in limbo longer, something she was OK with clearly because she sees physical separation as a free pass to continue on in this situation. I am not OK with this, so we ended up signing the agreement to sell the home. She suggested I don't need to leave the country because I had concerns over closing date as it was to close before we'd have separation agreement in place which would mean proceeds of sale would be held in trust by lawyers and would require I find a short term arrangement for myself. This problem was resolved as buyers were flexible with closing date and we agreed on end of June. So it seems the wheels are in motion and things are moving forward to a conclusion. Throughout phone conversation with her she kept saying I love this house. I said to her calmly it's only a house now and no longer a home. She said to me "I fell in love with the house the minute I saw it"
When I heard this I reminded her, "we" fell in love with the house, not sure why she said "i". I subtly reminded her that the home no longer has any meaning or value and I do not want any financial or legal ties to her, if any of these remained my dignity was being challenged and I want to begin living my life and I have a right to do so.
Despite these conversations it has been a really difficult wave of emotions hitting me head on but I feel it is something I must do and battle through, for my own sake and for the sake of the life I deserve to have going forward. Thanks to whomever is listening and once again I've gained so much valuable insight and wisdom from these forums that have helped me get through many of these moments.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Catman

Glad to hear the buyers could adjust the closing date to align with your needs.

I agree, STBXW does not have her paperwork as a top priority.

Yes, emotions are very much like waves, rising and ebbing. It’s wonderful being passed where/when the waves crash over and engulf one. It’s now, allowing and exploring your feelings rather than drowning in them. The journey towards acceptance. Keep moving forward.

Hope you’re having a great day.

D

[Catman19]

So things are moving along. WW continues to be unreliable, made a committment to be here this saturday to help box up things and separate what we have to get rid of and pick what she needs to keep. I am only looking to keep my own possessions, as in collectibles, books, my computer and my clothing and such, I have offered her everything else, I want to do a full cleanse of anything that we owned together. She then tells me she has plans this satuday, not surprising to me at all, when she falls head over heels with one of the OMs its her typical pattern, which is why things have taken longer than necessary to resolve.
The more i see this the more i feel the nudge to push forward with a completely new life. I handed in my long term leave (5 years) form at work and it was approved, i moved 5 weeks i had of vacation that i will tack into the 5 weeks preceding the closing of the home. Next week I am going to renew my passport and once i have it ready I will book my one way ticket back to my home country, i have already began making provisions for when i get there. I now have the time to take care of clearing the home, shipping some clothing and things i will need, giving things that are mine away to people that I know, people that have supported me through this time and were there for me when I was in a dark place. While this gives me some clarity and gives me set dates, it is a hard pill to swallow. My heart is torn but my mind is pushing me forward into starting a new life and leaving all of my old baggage behind.

I dont think she fulls understands that i will no longer be in her life in any form whatsoever, 5000km away, new phone number, no address to find me. She has taken for granted my presence in her life while she lives her narcissistic ego driven existence. But that is all coming to an end soon and a new chapter of my life shall start.

[Catman19]

So just a general question which can garner probably a simple or complex answer. Throughout the last few months as the process of separation has moved forward and home sale as well, she has gently tried to open up to me and incould sense she was doing this with caution as she was likely getting a temperature check on how I was reacting. Mind you while she did this I would check her messaging dialogues to see where her head was at and if she was carrying on with the same behaviours with OM. I tried being courteous and subtly reminding her that happiness is something that we find within ourselves and looking for it in external sources is not a solution nor does it bring us closer to happiness in the first place. One recurring thing in these conversations was always her suggestion that we somehow remain friends after this is done. Every time I made it abundantly clear that I cannot be friends with the woman that I loved for more than half my life while she's in serious relationships with other men. I do not want to be her shoulder to cry on about the results of her poor choices and bad coping strategy.

A small part of me wants to leave the door open in the future for that being a possibility but only if I see dramatic change and purposeful betterment of herself. I don't want to straddle this fence too haphazardly.
For anyone whos gone to the stage of divorce what has been the most effective approach. Mind you we do not have kids together so there is no need for any further communication. For me its less about knowing how her life choices are going and more to make sure she is ok and not completely destroyed. I believe in karma but it is not something i desire on her, i did towards OM3 because he tried sabotaging reconciliation and he ended up getting a healthy serving of it. This concern for her remains mostly because of the 8 grueling years of failed IVF and coming to the conclusion she couldnt be a mother and I think that coupled with turning 40 created a perfect storm for her having a full blown crisis of which she is coping in the worst way possible.

In terms of healing I feel it is best that at least until I get grounded in Europe once I leave here I should not communicate with her in anyway as me focusing on my new job and reconnecting with family will be a much needed change for me first. I do have a sense that for the last year and a half reality has yet to fully hit her in the face and although I've pushed to move things forward and warned her last year the next flight I take will be one way, it seems by her behaviour she never saw this as a legitimate possibility, likely because she's also living in a blind fog of infatuation from om3 to OM . When I actually am gone, house is officially no longer ours, and legal separation documents are signed and finalized I have a strong sense she will feel the reality of everything being over and losing me forever and I suspect a nervous/mental breakdown is extremely possible. There is no way someone can delay coping with so many things happening simultaneously in the real world that they can hide or run anymore.

I feel like in a catch 22 as in i dont want her life to completely fall apart and even if being together is no longet a ppssibility i dont want her to come out of this destroyed for the rest of her life but i also dont want to expend unneccessary emotional energy when ill be likely still dealing with the emotional reality check that is uprooting my whole life, career, home, end of marriage

Her reaction to all of this could all be projection based on how i am feeling and how reality is starting to hit me of everything happening and maybe transposing my emotional state into her mindset is likely an impossible task, as i dont even think she knows where she is mentally outside of the infatuation fog.

[Cadet]

So just a general question which can garner probably a simple or complex answer.

Not sure I understand the question-Is it leave the door open or not?

Why make any decision at this point?

Keep living your life and don’t waste time-life is short