Just about done

[Boat14]

I haven't came here and posted in awhile because the board is nothing like it use to be but I popped in and saw your post and thought I would give you my thoughts on what I have learned.

Has anyone ever considered how big of a roll personality disorders play in these situations.

This is a typical response from a LBS. If a LBS diagnosis the WS with a disorder, MLC etc. it makes them less liable for the breakdown of the marriage which makes it easier cope.

Like all of the stories seem the same here, build up a good life, everything seems fine for a while, hit a rough patch in the relationship and the person bails for reasons that don't seem logical or worthy of breaking up a marriage and family.

You see the thing is because you don't want the D no answer would satisfy you. The simple answer is she lost respect, attraction and desire for you. She doesn't want to live her remaining years with someone she doesn't respect and desire.

Is it just possible that we are all empathetic people dealing with Cluster B personality disordered spouses?

Possible but highly unlikely.

Is it just maybe possible while the DB strategy is great, working on yourself is great and improves ones own life, but if you are dealing with someone who sees the world in a self driven identity and perception of the world and relationships that maybe we are fighting against something that is changing us to be something for someone.

You should never change for anyone. Your goal is to become the best person you can possibly be and that will attract the right people to you.

While we are forgetting that we deserve happiness, respect, affection and compassion.

100%. You will know you have reached your destination when you get to a point where you will not settle for less.

Like at what point do we stop bending over backwards and dedicating our lives to someone who doesn't share the same values as us and lives their life with one goal and one sole purpose - to use others for their own personal gain without adequate compromise and selflessness.

That point should have started at bomb drop.

Like all of these stories seem like we are dealing with either Bipolar or Narcissistic Personalities and we are trying to force someone to be something they cannot be, a personality disorder makes someone who they are this way for life, while we can conform and contort to please them, they dont see reality as we do - with empathy and kindness.

You should never try to force anyone to be something they are not. If you do this than you have plenty to work on in the near future.

Could it just be that they try to conform to what they've been taught and what they see as being normal and approved by society, but they are really not being themselves and pretending to be someone they are not, and eventually they get tired of faking the characteristics that make us good human beings, and they give up and do what they feel and what they want to make themselves happy.

Your STBX wants to feel loved and desired like most human beings do and for whatever reason she was not feeling that with you. I am not necessarily saying that this is all your fault I am just trying to get you to see reality.

I think sometimes we are not meant to be with people who dont love us as we deserve to be loved.

100%. You will truly understand this even better once you heal, move forward and find it in the future. It takes time but you eventually get there if you are open to it.

[Catman19]

Thanks boat. I am not voiding myself of any responsibility for breakdown of marriage, perdonality are legitilate things that affect how people perceive normal relationships. During relationship i constantly and repeatedly asked myself if this was normal, if the endless abuse followed by pretending as if nothing had happened the next day. The impossible to meet demand for more attention, to a point where any more eas physically impossible. To then seeing her go through the npd cycles of relationships in real time with new partners, the love bombing (idealization), abnotmal mirroring, future faking, followed by having arguments when their target shows any faults, the impossible task of showing any form of empathy or accountability, the blame shifting and smear campaigns of ex partner, the enabling friends, not being able to keep friends long term and finding new ones constantly who validate them

I looked up many psychologist papers on npd and clinically diagnosed npd psychologists listing all the traits and behaviours of someone with npd and they match down to every single trait then im pretty sure i am not imagining what i experienced. While many of us have narcissistic traits and it is a spectrum, the personality disorder is the way the person sees the world.
Until you live through each and every trait of this disorder you never truly understand how destructive the behaviour actually is.

There are people who go through crisis and haveba difficult time and make bad choices. Many end up having some sort of self awareness. But one cannot dismiss such behaviour as typical as it is not.

[Catman19]

Its hard to detach ones self from the reality that approaches us day by day. Watching my home get emptied of furniture or any small item brings back memories of moments. Something as simple as looking out on my back patio, no longer seeing the table and canopy where i vividly remember making our weekend breakfasts and enjoying the tree cover and bird chirping as we would enjoy the moments of m serenity after unwinding from a long week. Or fixing together a dinner, setting up the candle lights and mosquito torches, putting on some soft dinner music and enjoying each others company at the twilight of the day. Sitting on the lawn chairs by the firepite enjoying the warmth of the burning wood while sitting under the hanging lights and just enjoying the simple pleasures of life. Seeing the living room furniture gone, the place where everyone gathered for opening christmas presents and sitting together and watching a movie until half the audience would fall asleep covered in warm blankets. No longer seeing a dinner table that would always be full of abundance and good laughs, people singing happy birthday, enjoying a day long prepared meal.
Now walking around the home and hearing an echo of what once was a vibrant, life filled, warm inviting environment, seeing it reduced to an empty shell, a vessel of what once was and can never be again. Watching the grass grow tall, the weeds overgrown, the perennials beginning to bloom, with noone to enjoy the sweet fragrance of the season that is to come, to see the flowers vibrant colours opening for a sign of hope and life. Only to sit there with no audience and no appreciation for the gift of the beginning of a new life for the year.

These are all things that you never appreciate fully until you realize they are disappearing from your mind and your life, like a blurred landscape in the rear view mirror of your car that is your life, slowly moving away from the distance as you continue your path in the opposite direction, except with the understanding that you will never be able to visit the place you have just left. It becomes a memory once vivid and real but now vague and foggy.

Many of these things can describe the struggles and battles we have to fight in this life, sometimes we feel we have someone there to get us through them, but in the end we have only ourselves and God to aid us in this journey. Hopefully as we drive away from this life we find a sunset past the horizon and see a new light for a new life that is destined for our journey. One must stay steadfast and continue this path with an open mind and an open heart and use the experience from the place we are leaving behind to chart a new destiny.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Catman

These are all things that you never appreciate fully until you realize they are disappearing from your mind and your life, like a blurred landscape in the rear view mirror of your car that is your life, slowly moving away from the distance as you continue your path in the opposite direction, except with the understanding that you will never be able to visit the place you have just left. It becomes a memory once vivid and real but now vague and foggy.

Yes, we often don’t feel we fully appreciate it until we lose it. Ah, feelings. Let them flit.

One’s immutable past lives on in their memory. Yes, it does get somewhat foggier, although I wonder how clear and fog-free folks see their present moments too. Our life, our cars, the rear view mirror is tiny compared to the front facing windshield. It’s perfectly fine and normal to gaze in the mirror and upon one’s life and loss; just don’t get mired in it.

The windshield is full of wonder. Be present and live in the current moment. While planning to the future. Around a corner or over a hill is something new and not yet explored. Be there. Live it. And look back fondly every now and then.

Living in the future, one is anxious. Living in the past, one is depressed. Living in the present, one is calm and at peace.

It’s odd how much I thought, I felt, I was loosing back then. True, I have lost some things. W’s company and companionship for example. Yet, lots remained, and I’ve gained. On the whole, much more positive and better, than loss and negative. And for a long while, I felt much like it would be opposite.

Life’s windshield, life’s progress. We do accumulate present moments, better when we are more present in them. These moments become our ever growing immutable past. Appended on what we already have. Slowly, more and more better “new” times take their place in that rear view mirror. Altering that landscape. Part of the process of acceptance, of becoming whole and healed.

Have a great day my friend.

D

[Catman19]

Thanks for kind words

Continuing thread in part 2 as this one has become long:

https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...flat&Number=2949883&#Post2949883