So last week she came over, took some furniture. We still have a full basement and garage, cupboards, shelves, pantries etc left. I was expecting her to come over this weekend as its a long weekend here and go through things and pick what she wants to keep and what she doesnt so i can separate and dump/give away whats left. The response i got today was "i have plans this weekend" which is frustrating brcause she uses im working during the week excuse but weekends based on my instagram snooping of her account shes making plans with her new knight and shining armor protector. So she cant be bothered.
So i gave her a set date of June 16th, day after that everything is assumed to be garbage. She replies ill get things by the 22nd which is a mere handful of days before closing. Message is followed by im warning you not to touch my things. Well clearly shes in antagonize me mode and not taking anything seriously, i sent an email to lawyer and she is going to get a letter in the mail.
Im actually starting to literally despise this woman and am wanting her out of my life as soon as possible
Im seeing her interactions and behaviour towards me much of the same as before, like a cycle, every time she finds a new guy and love bombs them and goes deep into infatuation mode i become enemy number 1. When things dont go well with OMs she tries to manipulate me. She is clearly doubling down on her emotional rollercoaster ride that is her emotions. I think im at the pure indifference and disdain mentality right now. I cant have this person in my life in any manner whatsoever. Its bad enough all the disrespect i got during affairs, after affair discovery, during reconciliation, after reconciliation, that i now have to endure the continued disrespect. Sometimes you have to let people destroy themselves but keep as much distance as possible.
Never stay on a ship thats about to hit an iceberg with a drunken captain steering it.
Hey Catman. Ugh. Not an easy part of the process to go through. It sounds exceptionally rough.
We often say here "Let go of the rope...or be dragged" and I feel like I see a bit of that here. Your focus seems to be on her and your reactions tied to her actions. I may be wrong but that doesn't seem like indifference. Definitely disdain though and that isn't indifference.
Guessing her intentions is fruitless. Frequently, people in affairs or MLC have the mindset of a teenager. I hope to hear much less about her in your future posts and more about you, the 180s you are doing, how you are GALing in the midst of all this, and what you might be doing in terms of self care.
It is understandable to vent, to grieve, and express that and more here. I'm just recommending a pivot here to a greater focus on you and what's in your control. Maintain your boundaries, follow-through on facts you've stated like getting her things out of the house, and act as if your truly "immune" to her attempts to manipulate you when the OM lets her down. She fired you from the position of husband so all the benefits that come along with it should be revoked when she comes back your way.
Easier said then done, I know. Lots of success stories out here from people who stick to it. I hope as we continue to read that you'll be another one.
I think im at the pure indifference and disdain mentality right now.
I agree with MrP.
Indifference is feeling numb, or having greatly attenuated emotions towards STBXW. Disdain, although an understandable reaction to her behaviours, does not lend to, nor corroborate being indifferent.
As such, you are being dragged about a bit. Perfectly normal reaction as things are getting closer to the house deadline. Now, you can/do control you - your thoughts, actions, and reactions. You can encourage, foster, reinforce detachment which is dropping the rope.
Indifference is not the holy grail in all this. Indifference is a temporary waypoint along the journey. A time of silence from all our cacophony from our spouse’s words and behaviour. This period of calm is an excellent opportunity for introspection; for digging deep within. Disdain and dragged around won’t appear on the menu.
As indifference unwinds, feeling do return. Hopefully, one has done some inner work (i.e. steps toward self discovery and forgiveness) during this time. One’s emotions do come back, just less pulling. One’s power and self control taking more of the reins.
Originally Posted by Catman19
I was expecting her to…
Expectations.
Unmet expectations lead to resentment. Which then spins up one’s feelings and frustrations.
Originally Posted by Catman19
…come over this weekend as it’s a long weekend here and go through things and pick what she wants to keep and what she doesnt so i can separate and dump/give away whats left. The response i got today was "i have plans this weekend" which is frustrating because she uses im working during the week excuse but weekends based on my instagram snooping of her account shes making plans with her new knight and shining armor protector. So she cant be bothered.
Amplified feelings being reinforced then lead us down various rabbit holes. Coupled that with snooping is a good way to keep oneself attached.
The house and its contents is part of the business side of this situation. Treat it as such. Treat it like a business deal gone sideways, for that is what it is.
When dealing with business stuff - be/remain businesslike.
Originally Posted by Catman19
So i gave her a set date of June 16th, day after that everything is assumed to be garbage. She replies I’ll get things by the 22nd which is a mere handful of days before closing.
Now, going forward and to throw some water on the fire instead gas (we always carry two buckets, one with water and one with gas, and get to choose which to use):
The quickest way to stop her fighting - agree with her.
So:
W - I’ll get my things by the 22nd.
Catman - Thank you.
Now, you are back in control of self. You have a schedule. Now, you make plans for the days of 23rd to 27th, for you to clean, and ensure the house is ready. After all, you can only control you.
Keep expectations dialled to zero. Expect nothing. Which oddly is equivalent to expect anything. Her stuff might be all gone, might be all there, or some in-between state. Doesn’t matter. Deal with whatever it is, then.
Negotiating with a person in emotional turmoil is difficult. Takes some finesse. They usually will fight against anything you say or propose. Even if it is beneficial to them. Allowing them come up with the idea has a better chance of their cooperation. A much better chance of them following through on their ideas, than our’s.
Let things lay with her. Don’t poke the bear. Continue to clean and prepare your things. And see what the 23rd brings. (Don’t fret. It will work out. One way or another.)
It’s just business.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Yeah my biggest issue with 23rd is it leaves me very little time to go to garbage dump, move what has to be moved, as i have to sell the vehicle. My biggest issue is throughout this process the more ive given in to her alteration of everything the more she has taken that as a free pass and a sign that there is no urgency. I cannot let her dictate the logistics of something that can cause legal issues to which i become responsible as well. I have a boat load of things to do for myself and her altering dates to last minute jeopardizes my to do list. So i ended up getting my lawyer to draft and send an email This is the exact wording and it puts things into a strictly business perspective
As you are aware, the sale of the home closes on June 28, 2024. We need to set a timetable to clear out all of our contents/belongings in advance of this date. I have tried to work with you on arranging a time that you can attend to deal with your contents/belongings, but this has been very challenging.
Please immediately advise when you plan on attending the home to remove your contents/belongings. If there are items in the home that you wish to keep that are not yours, please let me know so that I can set them aside for you.
To allow for the removal and clearing of the items in the house in an orderly fashion, please ensure that you attend prior to June 17, 2024. If I do not hear from you before May 30, 2024 with your dates, then I will assume that you do not wish to keep your items and I will arrange for them to be disposed at your cost.
Ill be completely honest the snooping is no longer making me attached. In an odd counterintuitive way it's actually been helping me detach even quicker and remove emotions. It's desensitizing me from her and the person my brain has been tricking me into thinking she was. It's also allowing me to see how unseriously she's taking the process and giving me some incentive to use my lawyer more and when necessary to make this clear and serious. It shows me how her patterns and cycles are in repetition and gives me insight into her true self more than i would have gotten otherwise. The last time she came to the home I felt nothing for her and I purposely stayed away from home until she was gone. While before I'd still feel something when looking at her, I just couldn't be bothered.
I think for the first time in a while I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and my vision for my new life back in my country of origin surrounded by my family is becoming clearer and something to look forward too. Seeing her behaviour and continuation of brokenness has helped push me like a cattle prod quicker into that new life.
A lot of the stressors now from me is the fact I have a good few dozen things to do and make sure I forget nothing as my ticket will be one way, but I purposely left many of those things for the 4-5 weeks i have off work so i can be busy everyday.
Ive been throwing in some last goodbyes and coffees/lunches with good friends to occupu any downtime and have been giving my own possessions to people i value as a thank you for being there for me. Its alot easier to give things to people that i know will appreciate it vs selling it to strangers or discarding.
You aren’t detached at all Cat. The fact you are still snooping tells us that. This isn’t a fake it til you make it situation.
You can’t control her and what she does and when she does it, and I guarantee that letter your lawyer just sent will be viewed as an act of control. She gave you a date, and you didn’t like it, so here comes the lawyers letter.
Stop worrying about her and her stuff. It’s not your responsibility or problem. Worry about you and your stuff.
Drop the rope and stop snooping on her.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Thank you Joseph. While I agree I cannot control her and should only focus on me. I am living in the home and I need to have it empty by specific dates, and because I am not keeping very much of what's in here as I'm moving overseas. I need to know what to dispose of/give away/sell. I'm still legally liable for having this home clear even if i leave it to her. She's become heavily unreliable and delays everything and I can actually see her not being bothered at all. I have far too many times let her drive the bus and control how my life goes - delaying home sale last year (i need her signature), delaying destroying of embryos (need her signature), and delaying the mediation ( I need her to get her pension valuation). While it seems i can do my part and let her do her own, had i left this situation up to her wed not even be selling the house and based on what shes said she was perfectly fine us living in this arrangement of me living in this house, not being legally separated, so finances tied together as long as debts and assetsx and she continues living her life with other prople while i want all ties cut.
To me dropping the rope means, not holding any assets with her, not being tied to her debts, not being legally married and being free to start over and build my new life without her in the picture in any way. While it may seem im trying to exert control on her by setting dates, i really am not bothered by how she sees it because shes just a teenager in mind right now. I need to regain as much control of how my own life goes from this point on
I’ve bought a few houses in my life moving around, and never heard of being legally liable for having a home clear. And considering how much stuff I’ve thrown out of the previous owners that was still in the homes I’ve moved too I’m struggling with that one.
So what are the repercussions for you, not her, but for you if you take care of your stuff and she’s on her own with her own stuff?
If she’s unbothered by losing her stuff, why does that mean it needs to bother you?
I honestly read that as one big excuse to maintain contact, but maybe where you are laws are different.
I do want to ask this, if she’s stalling to do anything, which is basically 100% common, and you’re forcing this through why are you here? I don’t mean that negatively, but you can’t save a marriage by forcing a divorce.
And dropping the rope in terms of divorce busting doesn’t change. It has nothing to do with being legally tied to her in anyway. It’s about detaching from her emotionally, which you are not doing.
Your lawyer can handle basically 100% of what you are trying to do, and you’ve gotten nowhere for quite some time, so why not just let your lawyer handle it all? Why reach out in anyway? Why not just have your lawyer do it the first time everything? And that’s a serious question.
And it does bother you, maybe not in the moment you wrote that, but how many updates/entries where you are venting frustration have you made?
I’m not saying this to be mean, just being blunt.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
On the contract of sale of home its stipulated that home is to be left completely empty. Typically if it isnt then the buyer can and usually does empty the home at the expense of the seller and the adjustment is made to the disbursement of closing proceeds. Im really not trying to stay in contact with her other than to deal with logistics. Im cutting all ties in terms of divorce not to try and save marriage, thats clearly not going to happen. I need clean slate because im making a permanent move to another country, i also need documentation of divorce as i am legally married in country im going to. I want this because these are things i dont want to have to deal with when i get there, and i have new career ready to go so i want my focus 100% on there and that. I also want to carry as little emotional and financial baggage as possible. Not that im looking to meet anyone, only when im ready, i do not want any ties whatsoever when and if this happens as well.
My frustration is the fact I need to use legal channels for things that shouldnt be necessary and is costing me more than it should, for basic things. She has clearly moved on but is trying to manipulate the situation as much as possible. I have a lot on my plate in terms of dealing with things related to my move so her back and forth comittiing to given days is forcing me to alter my plans, i need dates and times and a rough plan. I will make due one way or another but i needed to give her a drop dead date or else nothing gets done and it still interferes with my itinerary one way or another. I know i cannot control her and thats not the point.
In terms of detachint emotionally, i fully expect that to happen naturally when ive left the country. Also im a man of faith and its very important to me to not be legally married, between church and state, as i believe it is the right way to do things moving forward and its the best way to be fair to any new partner. I know it might sound just like a logistical thing to others, but had it not been for faith i probably would be in a much worse space than i have been. Ive looked to a lot of scripture as a way to guide my actions and intentions and it has served me well.
Also because im not moving elsewhere here, anything she doesnt want and i decide to keep, has to be inventoried for customs clearance as im planning on shipping things on a container overseas, so dates are important for this. All i need from her is s yes i want to keep this or no, but that has been difficult to do. My parents moved overseas and sent a shipping container and you have to declare pretty much every single item, for duties and customs clearance, so its a detailed process.
