If you put that in the contract knowing full well how much trouble you’ve been having getting her to be an adult, you have to take some responsibility for that. You also need to take some responsibility for that fact you decided to move to a different country and start over while dealing with this knowing full well what she’s been doing. I understand this is frustrating, but she’s not living by your timeline and hasn’t been for a while. You made a lot of decisions that require her to be compliant with them.
I’m not sticking up for her, I’m trying to get you to see your place in this mess you are in.
Stick to your lawyer for communication. You’re done, moving away, and want to divorce her. She has been difficult at pretty much every turn, and you are still doing the same thing (contacting her) expecting different results.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
The buyers wanted end of May closing date and this had to be moved because she dragged her feet on getting documentation for mediation in a timely manner, they did this without making adjustment to price and their offer was unconditional. Having the house clear and clean and broom swept is standard practice in contracts here and is usually expected. The only time this tends to not happen is when people sell house straight as is, which typically garners a lower sale price. For me to start leaving money on the table here and there is not financially advantageous to me. Also real estate market was worst in 10 years for that particular month so buyers market dictates buyer tends to be more in charge. I only contacted lawyer and use her to give her set dates because this protects me legally and financially and she cannot say she wasnt given adequate notice. Its more to cover my own ass in the situation. That being said if she doesnt have it clear by then i will dump everything and there cannot be complaints afterwards. When dealing with an uncooperative person, deadlines and dates have to be set and repercussions have to be shown. Im merely covering my basis as im dealing with an unreasonable person and im fully aware of that.
[spoiler][/spoiler]I understand, but this reads to me like it’s all her fault…..and it’s not.
You know what you are dealing with, and have known, and still trusted her to do the right thing in a timely manner, that’s on you.
This could have been nipped in the bud pretty quickly by not waiting to use a lawyer after it’s already been pushed back once.
Stick to the lawyer, stop contacting her. She doesn’t take you seriously and doesn’t care what you have to say and she’s proven that with her actions.
Stop looking at her social media under under the guise that you’re just keeping tabs on her and if she’s busy.
Would you trust a stranger the way you’ve trusted her with all of this? I sure wouldn’t and the sooner you understand she’s’ not emotionally your wife anymore, the better you’ll handle this. You’ve been fired as her husband, that’s the only way to look at this.
I’m trying to get you to see this from a different perspective. You have to take responsibility for that fact you acted as if she’s something she’s not. She’s not responsible, she’s not acting as an adult would, and yet you keep expecting her too. Again change your expectations and act accordingly.
Last edited by JosephS; 05/17/2405:47 PM.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
While agreeing with her might get her to stop fighting. Trying to be cooperative and agreeing with her has only enabled her to do as shes been doing, to me this is a boundary pushing exercise. When you try a specific approach and it backfires every time, the only choice is to take control and set clear lines in the sand. Ive agreed to go with mediation, which is something that she wanted and she has taken advantage of the less seriousness of that, so far as to even be warned by mediator that if pension paperwork wasnt handed in when it was supposed to that it would cause complications with house sale and with separation process. When i left it up to her to take things before to clear house to stage it, she took her time and focused on new relationship. So i know and am being clearly shown the soft approach is inneffective. Ive gotten to this situation largely because of being a doormat and continuing to be that has only made things more difficult and dragged on things.
As joseph said i am not dealing with a serious person so you cannot bargain with such people. If i give her the 22nd she will wait until the day of.
Im taking the path i am taking now because ive had enough of this situation and bargaining and cooperation have been done only by me and noone else. There comes a time when the carrot and the stick approach requires more stick than carrot
Figure out what kind of person I am currently dealing with. Respond to each type completely different: 1) Wise people listen, so talking to them works. 2) When dealing with foolish people, stop talking and set limits and consequences. 3) If the person is behaving evil, let lawyers and law enforcement deal with them.
Remember, 55% of the message is conveyed visually through body language and facial expressions, 38% is expressed vocally by my tempo, tone and inflections and only 7% verbally through my words. Before speaking, assure all 3V’s are congruent to avoid confusing the listener.
Sounds like you are on the right path of dealing with her.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
thanks for replies guys, i ramble on a lot here but its a great place to vent and get frustrations out.
I have ceased communicating with her unless its business only and even thats sparse, any attempts to coordinate anything is usually met with no concrete times, dates, etc. So thats clearly not an option. I do not see her, dont talk to her on phone or message, its a waste of energy in my opinion and very unproductive.
Despite all this at least i sense some hope, which is something i havent had in a while, the more it drags on the more the prospect of my new life gives me even a small sense of optimism. I know its no cure or solution to my emotional state, but I am putting myself in the best situation for healing and create a new oppurtunity, and for once in my life I am looking out for my own well being and pursuit of personal happiness, without external input from anyone but the person that stands in the mirror. She is merely an obstacle to me now, but nothing that I cant surmount. I realized a few months back that she has chosen the wrong path and I have to choose my path now and stick to it.
I long ignored my own intuition and perception of her and my life and now its time to let destiny and fate take me to where i belong.
ill leave with this reading from 2 Timothy 3:1-17 But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people. ..
Catman, I just read through your story and cried through so much of it. I'm sad for you. I'm sad for your W and your situation. I don't know that I'll ever understand MLC and that it is a real thing although with so many similar stories on here, clearly MLC is a real thing. Just doesn't make much sense how a good person can be so irrational. I am truly sorry and offer you virtual hugs.
I've been so tempted to cut the cord, too, but don't know that I'm ready. Adult kids are still holding on with hope, which influences me to keep hope alive. I also don't have the courage to snoop as I imagine I would learn things about H that I'm not prepared to swallow. That day is coming and my reaction/response is something I think about a lot. How much can I accept? Not knowing what H is up to only provides a bit of comfort...I still wonder and imagine the worst....equally unhealthy.
Do you think that snooping has influenced your decision to walk away? If you didn't know about OM, would you hold out? Would you be better off not knowing and let W ride her waves until she crashes? Maybe if you stop snooping, you could be more at peace. After all, what she does, she will do...whether you're in the know or not.
I'm afraid that if you continue to snoop, your (hurt) feelings won't change and you won't heal, regardless of the country you move (run) to. I like that you're moving to a place where family can comfort you...even if you don't share details with them....having family around will bring love, peace, support, etc. I'm happy for you in that regard.
I wish I had answers but instead I share questions I pose to myself....still searching for answers.
H:49 W:49 M:26; T:32 D21; S23 BD1: Feb 2023 (I think it was a BD) BD2: Sept 2023 Moved out: Dec 2023
Thank you for your kind words MamaG. Yeah I do regret coming onto these forums a year too late and doing everything I shouldn't have done. That being said it definitely was a combination of many things, mlc, failure of fertility as central to that. I think when I realized she was never going to change and self reflect was when through my snooping I saw she was ending it with the ap that started while in this marriage and continued through R and I had met her in person. She seemed somewhat contrite and sad when looking at a small family and I could feel the pain of reality of not being able to be a mom. I kindly said to her, you know happiness is not something you should seek to get from others but something you have from deep inside, she gently nodded and agreed. A day later through my snooping she's confessing she wants to spend the rest of her life with a new guy, along with a bunch of sexual talk. A day later I see a flood of messages from original AP about how she cheated on him. When I saw these actions and tried to match it to her words I could see that not only was she not listening to her therapist or working on bettering herself or even trying to show me any remorse, I realized I needed to extricate myself from this person in my life. There comes a point when you hold out hope someone can come to realization of their actions or at least see some effort to better themselves and all I say was her repeating the cycles of behavior but at an even more accelerated pace. I don't recommend anyone snoop, I was just tired of being manipulated in this whole process and trying to open my heart a little to her to show her what real love is, but her actions never matched her words, her tears felt manufactured to keep me around, her sometimes apologetic words felt like a ploy just to keep me in her life. Through the snooping I also saw her interactions with her sister and how it seems that they have built a bond against me and their own parents who have done everything for them, to the point about saying the parents have shown them toxic gratitude and that I'm being a narcissist and toxic. Like it seems she's being enabled to act out worse. I have realized it's time for me to find happiness and the damage that has been done by her and her supporters can not be reversed and I don't think I can ever look at them in any semblance of a loving manner. I believe I deserve someone who respects me and loves me for who I am and I don't want a life of second guessin, triggers, doubts, intrusive thoughts, it's not a healthy way to live. Knowing that the woman I've spent almost a quarter century with is sharing her body with what is now the 4th or 5th man makes me understand that I don't have any value in her life and mind
And to add to that it seems her childishness and rebeliousness has only gotten worse, almost to the point of being completely insufferable, all while she projects resentment and anger towards me for any minor or imperfect actions from me in the marriage. Resentment is the enemy of accountability and I can see that I'd rather be alone and heal and work on myself then put myself through round 3 of trying to fix something I did not break with someone who doesn't realize they aren't broken.
That being said, I see some positive signs in your situation, it's a situation worth showing patience in and it seems he's having a difficult battle within himself, from your thread I don't see overt signs of repetitive disrespect and demeaning of character with someone else involved to the extent it became so in my face with me. Be patient t and please focus on your physical health, your mental health will follow, find comfort in faith it has helped make me stronger. We all answer to a higher being and we must be thankful for what we have as there are others who are worse off. Hang in there you are doing the right thing and getting good advice here, do not show weakness to him but do not let him make you his doormat. A teenager is much like mlc they will push your boundaries and see what they can get away with and the more you let them the further they will take it.
So I finally made the decision to book my one way ticket, end of the next month I will be leaving the country I've called home for 35.5 years. It's bittersweet but a change of scenery to a new place with a stronger support system I'd a welcome change from the current status quo. Stbxw came over today and she kept giving me that look, aka the trying to use charm on me look, but I've been manipulated so much by her and I see that she continues her second honeymoon romance with OM 4, that it basically stuck to me like an egg on a Teflon pan. I look at her and although the sound of her voice still feels comforting and she didn't seem as irritated with me, I look at her and I see an ugly person inside. Someone who is still lost and confused. I suspect her putting off losing me is not going to go as plan, as I've warned her that this would happen but I don't think the gravity of it has hit her yet.
To be honest I am spending more mental energy envisioning my life there and someone I know from here has reached out to me and I might consider doing some sort of business with them eventually. I like keeping my options open and keeping doors from closing. For the first time in a while I see the silver lining in what is to come. Giving away my things has become easier and easier and I've detached mostly from any of my possessions. I know the final moving out of house and getting on the plane will be hard on many fronts, but I cannot live my life in limbo and I have to let what God desires for me to happen. It has been a long and hard road but the obstacles one must overcome become learning lessons and fuel to fortify ones faith and inner strength.
