Just about Done pt 2

[MamaG]

You sound happy and therefore, I'm happy for you. You've defined your path forward and it will be a huge change with opportunity. Glad you're embracing it. You're brave. You have a greater support system to look forward to which I'm sure is motivating. Hope you'll continue to provide updates and feedback on our threads.

[Catman19]

So just checking back in here. Pretty much counting down the days until I leave, now less than a month away. Mediation has all the documentation ready and just awaiting back response from mediator. Majority of big items from house are gone. It has been somewhat therapeutic giving my personal things to people that I know, it's not as difficult as it was in beginning. I'm starting to realize how little value possessions have to ones life and well being. It somewhat reminds me of where I came from, to which I am returning, came to this country with no possession, no toys, no luxuries, not knowing the language and learning to value simple things and connections with people. Somrthing stood out for me - one of my 2 close friends, and one i confided heavily in, came over to my house to get some things, he told me his daughter age 10 asked him what happened to our backyard. I normally have a beautiful garden with a nice patio set, and the last time they came here the 3 kids along with us spent a whole evening outside until 4am, dinner followed by a sitting around the firepit. I always appreciated how the their kids enjoyed being outside when other kids who were here wanted to go inside and either play video games or watch TV.
It stuck with me as a child builds such a lasting impression of experiences that we sometimes don't fully appreciate.

So today, I decided to enjoy a good long coffee with some work colleagues, probably for the last time. I came home and shortly after she called, I answered as I knew it was likely to deal with home things and it was. I remained civil with her, even asked her to bring over the kitties, I always enjoyed seeing them. As we worked out details of what she was taking today and before hanging up, she mistakenly says I love you. She said sorry right after and I just said ok bye. Either it was by sheer comfort and habit or practice from saying to OM, but it was still hard hearing those words. I know we are always supposed to stay detached and not let these things get to us, but alas we are human. It did hit a soft spot with me but at the same time brought me to the reality that so much is coming to an end.
I truly and deeply think she's starting to feel it, feel the fact it's ending, feeling the fact that I'm actually leaving for good. In the recent interactions I have seen no irritation and no raising of voice nor resentment. I am not taking that at nothing more than face value. But I do sense she tried to cope quickly and aggressively with moving on to a bigger and better life and chasing what she thought was a solution for her void of internal happiness and maybe some small hints of reality are momentarily entering her psyche. That being said in my voice or in my outward presence around her I do not show emotion. I just want to get on with the logistical requirements of everything that needs to be done

To anyone reading this or going through it, you will go through different phases of emotions, what may seem or feel abnormal, isn't. Let yourself feel what you have to feel, it's what makes us who we are, we have a heart and a soul. Do not stray from doing what is best for you and what you want from your life. Feel the sorrow, feel the hurt, cry when you need to, heck even talk to yourself if you must, say a prayer to yourself and ask God for strength, try not to Harbour any hatred or resentment as hard as it may seem. Be the version of yourself that God would ask you to be, take the time to absorb your surroundings, listen to the birds chirping, the leaves ruffling, breathe in the scent of the cut grass, or the blooming flowers. Do not let yourself fall into a cycle of negative thoughts.

Hope everyone is well and enjoy the rest of the day

[DnJ]

Good Morning Catman

Well said.

Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. And keeping one’s heart soft and squishy in all this, instead of letting/encouraging it to harden and calcify is an excellent path, IMHO.

Becoming the best version of oneself. The person you were/are meant to be. Yes, it requires investing into listening and absorbing the small moments around you. Sights, sounds, sensations abound. It’s amazing how fulfilling and rejuvenating a wee break to smell the roses, a wee break from the busy paced modern life, truly is.

I’m with you, it’s hard to beat relaxing with friends and family around a campfire. My kids, now , express how much they loved those moments/times.

It stuck with me as a child builds such a lasting impression of experiences that we sometimes don't fully appreciate.

One will/might forget what you did for them, yet they never forget how you made them feel.


It sounds like everything is coming together pretty well. Just under a month to go. Doing good my friend.

D

[Catman19]

Just a reminder of how we are called to live on this earth and what makes us truly good people, we should never compromise who we are and what we value


Colossians 3:1-25

If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry.

[Catman19]

Just here for update.
So I think I've gotten to the point where I feel a lot more comfortable with emotional detachment, regardless of whether I see her in person or not. I'm now 14 days from closing on the house and 16 days from catching my flight. I have seen her more often now to deal with going through house items. Her still being hyper focused on OM4 has actually kind of made things easier, she has gotten a second storage unit and will just be taking everything that has mixed belongings together. This kind of takes a little of the burden off my hands and I don't really care about small inanimate objects, as the things that I want to keep I have either shipped over the Atlantic and the things I need for here I have stored in my brother's garage. I saw my therapist in person for the last time and gave her a small anyhurium flower as a sign of appreciation for all the guidance, and I must admit it made a massive difference in the healing process. I set up an online session with her for when I'm over there.
When I see the stbxw I look at her and see nothing more than a lost soul. I can see she gets flustered with any logistical thing, I have done most or the heavy lifting in terms of legal documents for home, canceling services, returning equipment, booking rental truck for final move and garbage dump visit

I had a deal where I would sell my car to a close friend for a certain price and when I told her, as I needed to because her name was on the ownership and I'd need a signature, she decided she wanted to buy it off of me for same price. This actually saved me the trouble of having to get a safety inspection pre sale, as is necessary in this jurisdiction and I could transfer over ownership much more easily as spouses are exempt from taxes and safety requirement. I have no clue what she's going to do with an existing car costing 900/month between car loan and insurance + 3000/month in apartment rent and now 2 vehicles under her name. I made sure that the other vehicle which has 22k still outstanding becomes hers and her debt and ownership to carry. So in doing all of this, all my financial obligations here have dropped to 0, the proceeds of home sale will more than cover my outstanding debts and I'll have a really big chunk of money to start fresh.

The one thing that's stuck in my craw is the few times I've spoken to her, she has out of habit continued to accidentally say endearing terms, like babe, sweetie a few times and continued accidentally saying I love you, to the point where I actually had to tell her to stop. This behaviour truly tells me she's in a completely different and abnormal state of mind. It feels like she has been kinder to me but almost seems eerily familiar to last year after I kicked her out and how she showed me more emotion and felt a sense of loss when I took a trip back home. It feels exactly the same as in she's being nice while I'm around knowing I'm going to leave but the emotions and feelings not hitting her yet. I suspect that her head will proverbially hit the wall when my exit date becomes closer and she will feel all the guilt and loss that she hadn't thought of. As someone who lives in the moment and in the feelings of the moment she doesn't foresee these things as I do. I am not bothered by any of these things just merely making an observation as our mediator will draft up a final agreement of separation next Tuesday and that's the final piece in the puzzle for me. I also made it clear to her there will be no communication once I've left, and even if there are belongings of mine mixed in with her things that she is to contact my brother and not to contact me directly, even if she tried outside of email that won't be possible once my number changes.


And a lesson to everyone else going through this, even at this stage yes I still have bad days, emotional days, days of reminiscing and ruminating, days of crying until I have no more energy to do so, I'm accepting and embracing of these feelings as they are the only ways to fully go through the process and move towards proper healing. Do not feel shame for still loving them or missing them, shame for crying for someone who's lost and is onto the next shiny object, they are on their own broken path, full of bumps, potholes and stormy weather, you have to remain steadfast on your own path, one where you can see the run rise on the horizon, moving away from the darkness left behind you. It is through pain, hurt and grieving that one finds a sense of fulfillment, hope and promise. Don't be afraid to take this path but don't let any anchors attached to you keep you from arriving at your destination.

[MrP]

Good morning, Catman. It sounds like you're making lots of good progress. As you say, we can experience setbacks or relapses along the way too. You start talking about detachment and later comment that the statements you're sharing about your XW are just observations, rather than things that bother you. At the same time, I read how her use of old terms of endearment sticks "in your craw". A fair amount of the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs above get into a fair amount of guessing at her thinking or intentions or being critical of her actions (with the car payment situation for example). When I read those paragraphs, it felt like the opposite of detachment given the amount of detail you went into. The last paragraph about having bad days also made me further think that as you prepare to depart, it is reasonable to experience mixed feelings and revisit that attachment or loss a bit. As you suggest, don't be afraid to let those feelings flow or they'll find another way out. I'm glad to read that you're going to continue to connect with your therapist. A D and international move are two, major life events at once. I admire your ability to keep it together to do both in such close proximity.

[Catman19]

So yesterday the stbxw agreed to come over and spend day going through things at home with me and clearing out more things to prepare for the weekend where the house has to be 95% clear, house closes a week from tomorrow. The idea was she would come and go through the rest of the things with me, we'd separate everything, garbage bags to one side, things to go to her storage on the other and recycling to the side as well. The plan was for me to rent a truck this weekend and together we'd load her things for storage in truck and I'd make a trip with her to storage unit, another trip after to take garbage and recycling to local dump transfer station. The remaining stuff that I would keep I would take care of and drop off at my brother's garage. The first 30 minutes starred out ok but then she started being disrespectful to me, I have not spoken about our relationship, marriage, cheating, new partners, nothing. I don't want to bother wasting energy on such things, as it's a fruitless endeavor and it's a pointless waste of time for me. I could sense through her words and actions that she had so much resentment, even throwing out backhanded comments such as, "you think youre just going to buy a whole new set of items where youre going", "do you think im afraid of you", she really started to get under my skin. Im at fault for letting this happen, i have been on anti depressants which have helped me remain calmer and given me a more stable and solid baseline at least until all the life changes are complete for me. The kicker with her was when i asked what time she was coming on the weekend, she then replies to me that she made plans for this weekend. I looked around and i could see a full truckload of things she still needed to take, if not more. It got to the point where the insults and resentment was so much that as i had a picture frame of pictures with us which i was putting on the garbage pile, i broke the glass picture frame on my leg, few seconds later my knee and shin were full of blood. I decided to go for a walk and cool my head off, i took the oppurtunity to call her parents and ask her father if he could help me to load and unload all the garbage on Saturday and he agreed. They also decided to later come by and go through things and clean up. Before that after she made one trip to storage with car she apologized for how she behaved and even brought me a sandwich , her parents then coming by seemed to bring her back to a calmer more respectful manner.

I know i shouldnt have done what i did and i know i let her get to me and it definitely was a weak moment for me, but sometimes the disrespect and immaturity can get to be so much that you have to defend yourself.
I sense her bitterness and resentment is driving her behaviour with me, its shades of last year before i left. Its as if im removing an option from her life choices and she's lashing out at me because ive decided to leave. I have been trying my hardest to fight through the emotions as this is a lot of life change for anyone to undergo all at once, and for the most part ive been focused on the things ive needed to do. Ive already got a vehicle that I'm going to purchase when i arrive there at a discount as my cousin works for a big automaker and he got me a family discount, i have a job lined up and a meeting with someone there to do this, I've taken care of all necessary documentation, banking needs, address changes, pension arrangement, clothing, personal belongings, selling car, legal matters, etc.

Ive even done the majority of the logistical heavy lifting to prepare home for closing and I feel shes been as irresponsible and immature as ever. Her sole focus seems to be have fun in free time and let the rest take care of itself.

Yesterday was also our final mediation session, for things to go smoothly i decided to only ask for the money of the vehicle as the only adjustment to separation agreement, doing so I forfeited pension equlization and spousal support. Pension difference was a negligible difference and spousal support i wasnt going to want anyways. I want the process to go as smoothly as possible. So here i am, just needing to send agreement to my lawyer and 10 days away from my flight. I know i shouldnt worry or care but i have a sense reality is starting to hit her hard now, while ive been mentally preparing for a very long time. I think although i dont think i want to forgive her, i believe thats up yo her and God now, im also more accepting of what i have been given. My father spent the last weekend in hospital after an operation and i feel that at least I can be of some value when i go back and illl feel at least some sense of purpose. Its almost like a feeling of being in prison and i know when my release day is but visualizing it is hard, i know i will feel a small sense of freedom and hope

And in this life without hope and optimism lifr becomes a struggle

[DnJ]

Good Morning Catman

Sorry to hear the day took a turn and went sideways. The feeling of being overwhelmed can lead to some rash and unwanted reactions. Glad you went for a walk and found your center again.

I know i shouldnt have done what i did and i know i let her get to me and it definitely was a weak moment for me, but sometimes the disrespect and immaturity can get to be so much that you have to defend yourself.

“But”. You are making excuses here. Own it. Learn from it. Do differently next time. You control you!

Not to beat you up here, please know that.

“disrespect and immaturity can get to be so much that you have to defend yourself.” Let’s unpack that a bit.

Defend against immaturity. In any room there is usually at least one adult. Be the adult. Be the responsible one. Take ownership and accountability of self. It’s all you can control. You.

Defend against disrespect. Boundaries. Clearly stated and enforced. It’s about your response, premeditated response, to disrespectful behaviour. Again, it’s all you can control. You.

Defending. Not quite. Fighting begets fighting. Your desire is only to accomplish the task. Let her be immature. Let her be right. That’s a quick way to deescalate, or by your actions not further a situation.

Defending brings your need to be right. To hold ground. To die on the hill. To fight. It’s inflexible. Be more on how you respond to such immaturity and disrespect, rather than how you defend against such. IMHO.

W: You think you’re just going to buy a whole new set of items where your’e going.

W: Do you think I’m afraid of you.

Catman: W, I’m sorry. I’m not here to fight. I’m just here to get the house cleaned up is all.

Her sole focus seems to be have fun in free time and let the rest take care of itself.

That’s par for the course.

Expectations. You are expecting her to do a certain thing. Her having plans for the weekend and not fully invested into getting the house ready is beyond your control. Dial your expectations to zero. Just deal with the various curve balls being thrown in your direction. And when/if they are thrown.

How far along did you get yesterday? It sounds like W calmed somewhat, and I suspect her parents were helpful in the task too.

Hope today is a better one.

Take care.

D

[Catman19]

Her parents helped her behave, get things done, not keep things that were garbage and be organized in the task at hand. They basically repeated everything I was saying but as I'm seen as an enemy and her bitterness of me leaving has put blurry spectacles on how she sees things. Having her parents here also kept her from being disrespectful and ill tempered. I have nonetheless throughout been kind and cordial, even said I'd give her a hand with my rented truck taking and offloading her things which were my things before but since she's taking all and I'm taking none it takes these items off my hands. I also offered to have car repaired (needs ac freon and odb reset) at her expense of course, as my friend is the mechanic and I can trust him and he does good and affordable job, despite the car already being under her name and the financial adjustment already made on separation. It also gives me a chance to get out of the home as I have very few items to entertain myself with and house is mostly empty or boxed up and my bags are packed, I've shipped what I've had to overseas and my remaining items will be gone this weekend. I realized right away I overreacted but at least when I got back and cooled off there was a decent apology from her. It ended up being productive and mediator appointment went well.
I don't feel I hate her anymore for what she's done, but rather disappointed in what we are both losing. I never discuss her personal life or what has transpired before as I feel it's misspelt energy, my incident yesterday was more borne out of direct disrespect and basically her irking any responsibility to take her things out of here out of timely manner. Her parents at least helped her get through enough things that I can now go to local dump in small available time window which they are open to public with basically all the waste. Had her parents not come, I'd be sorting through her things and then if I'd trash things she wanted I'd have to deal with complaints.

All that being said I'm kind of looking forward to finally putting this to an end and having my flight, will be the first time my brother and I will both be together with parents in roughly 8 years so it will be a nice change, and July tends to be loaded with festivals and great weather. It starts as a vacation and morphs into a new life gradually. I'm making sure that I unwind for a couple weeks minimum and then get started on my future plans there of which there are a few.

Thanks for the reply DnJ

[Ready2Change]

Every positive change in your interactions with her will carry forward to the women that come and go in your life. Keep up the changes and you will attract higher quality women.