I know I will never get proper closure from her ... The financial destruction... has pushed me back a year or 2.
The one thing I'm still grappling with is whether I should ever consider having any sort of friendship with stbxw in the future, certainly not now
Hi Catman, I'm 10 years older and three kids but grappling with the same type issues.
Closure ... hmmmmm ... to do so would require her to be in a different state of mind and heart. Not possible right now and this board is littered with examples of how long that can take. AND it may require me to be in a different state of mind and heart. Trying to do something like that now may damage still bleeding wounds. A harsh and forced lesson in becoming solid and whole no matter the limbo or uncertainty or dangling ends laying about.
On the matter of financial destruction, it will take 10 years to get back to where I WAS in terms of retirement funds. The 50% which she takes away would have all been productive funds earning towards that end ... Cash flow, it will be less than a year and alimony is complete.
Friendship? Yeah, it keeps running though my mind that she has not behaved as a friend for at least two years. Disloyalty and betrayal cut in very deep ways I'm not sure how to return from. I went DARK when she moved out. I respond sometimes. ... I respond when needed for kids or finances ... after 24+ hours. No hostility or emotion. ... to do so would require her to be in a different state of mind and heart.
~Today is a new day for you. You left the message you are gone. You are keeping on.~
The Message by Still Corners
Seasons change so fast They don't last And the leaves always fall Today is a new day And there's a clear way And the road is long
Drivin' till dawn Call you from the station Leavin' you a message that I'm gone
Oh I'm keeping on Oh I'm keeping on Oh I'm keeping on
g
H:55 XW:50 D19, D18, S13 ILYBINILWY 3/23 DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24 Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
So I thought things were done, sent copy of separation agreement to real estate lawyers who've been holding the proceeds of home sale in trust. I get an email back almost a week later with an enclosed form with a release. Included were 2 spots for signatures, one for me one for my stbxw. The minute I saw this I immediately knew this was an oppurtunity for her to delay signing or drag out the process. Honestly feels like I'm in a never-ending war and everything I win one battle the enemy gets reinforcements and the war prolongs. So as I see this going forward, more dragging on my expenses and unnecessary costs (car rental, debt servicing). So likely I will have to wait a certain amount of time to give her to sign, then as I see it I'll have to get some sort of court order to have them release at least my portion, all of this will add even more costs, more time and drag out the inability for me to get full closure and start from scratch. It feels like a neverending loop of obstacles and impediments.
This could have all been done to both our benefits in a timely and cost effective manner, but for some reason she has chosen the hardest, most difficult, most effective path. And as a reminder this is strictly just to split the proceeds of the home 50/50, no spousal support, no alimony, no pension adjustments. God forbid i had children involved in the mix, i think if that was the case, shed be perfectly fine bankrupting me completely even if it affected the kids
So I thought things were done, sent copy of separation agreement to real estate lawyers who've been holding the proceeds of home sale in trust. I get an email back almost a week later with an enclosed form with a release. Included were 2 spots for signatures, one for me one for my stbxw. The minute I saw this I immediately knew this was an oppurtunity for her to delay signing or drag out the process. Honestly feels like I'm in a never-ending war and everything I win one battle the enemy gets reinforcements and the war prolongs. So as I see this going forward, more dragging on my expenses and unnecessary costs (car rental, debt servicing). So likely I will have to wait a certain amount of time to give her to sign, then as I see it I'll have to get some sort of court order to have them release at least my portion, all of this will add even more costs, more time and drag out the inability for me to get full closure and start from scratch. It feels like a neverending loop of obstacles and impediments.
This could have all been done to both our benefits in a timely and cost effective manner, but for some reason she has chosen the hardest, most difficult, most effective path. And as a reminder this is strictly just to split the proceeds of the home 50/50, no spousal support, no alimony, no pension adjustments. God forbid i had children involved in the mix, i think if that was the case, shed be perfectly fine bankrupting me completely even if it affected the kids
Is it possible that you’re catastrophising?
Sure, it may happen the way you fear.
But it may not. Perhaps she signs it quickly without a whimper and you get your funds released in a few days.
It’s important to not expend large percentages of energy on potential outcomes which aren’t very likely. Hyper-sensitivity during divorce is normal and often attributable to having been treated badly, but you tend to start assuming the worst in everything.
Just send her a text and say “I received a document for the house funds to finally be released and it needs both signatures. What’s the easiest way to do this?”
Yeah i understand how i can be seen as catastrophising the situation, but every single step of this process has been met with purposeful delays. I genuinely think shes got a personality disorder and shes losing control and fighting as hard as possible to maintain it. I do not communicate with her, not for 6 months now, for my own mental health and well being. And as i wrote the last reply, later in the day she wrote an email to the real estate lawyer fighting over the amounts which were to be disbursed. As was agreed upon in the separation agreement she signed and executed i was to get half the proceeds +5000, which was to cover my half of the value of one of our cars. Apparently she is not happy that half of payout shows me getting 10k more than her, which is basic math half -5k for her and +5k for me. I think even the lawyers were fed up and asked for emails of each other to communicate directly.
Id be catastrophizing if my biggest concerns werent validated, but every single step of the way for the last 2 years has been shown to prove my pessimism of the process to be accurate.
So finally got money from home proceeds and am fully able to take control of my finances and stop the bleeding. Feels like the biggest weight lifted off my shoulders. I'm caring less and less about my ex, now also seeing a new woman and can have a real clean slate with a new person and be myself without worrying about financial situation, also easier to focus more energy on my work. I unblocked ex from social media platforms but am not talking to her nor is it an expectation. I think for me it makes it easier to move on now. Brighter days ahead hopefully
