So last week she came over, took some furniture. We still have a full basement and garage, cupboards, shelves, pantries etc left. I was expecting her to come over this weekend as its a long weekend here and go through things and pick what she wants to keep and what she doesnt so i can separate and dump/give away whats left. The response i got today was "i have plans this weekend" which is frustrating brcause she uses im working during the week excuse but weekends based on my instagram snooping of her account shes making plans with her new knight and shining armor protector. So she cant be bothered.
So i gave her a set date of June 16th, day after that everything is assumed to be garbage. She replies ill get things by the 22nd which is a mere handful of days before closing. Message is followed by im warning you not to touch my things. Well clearly shes in antagonize me mode and not taking anything seriously, i sent an email to lawyer and she is going to get a letter in the mail.
Im actually starting to literally despise this woman and am wanting her out of my life as soon as possible
Im seeing her interactions and behaviour towards me much of the same as before, like a cycle, every time she finds a new guy and love bombs them and goes deep into infatuation mode i become enemy number 1. When things dont go well with OMs she tries to manipulate me. She is clearly doubling down on her emotional rollercoaster ride that is her emotions. I think im at the pure indifference and disdain mentality right now. I cant have this person in my life in any manner whatsoever. Its bad enough all the disrespect i got during affairs, after affair discovery, during reconciliation, after reconciliation, that i now have to endure the continued disrespect. Sometimes you have to let people destroy themselves but keep as much distance as possible.
Never stay on a ship thats about to hit an iceberg with a drunken captain steering it.
Hey Catman. Ugh. Not an easy part of the process to go through. It sounds exceptionally rough.
We often say here "Let go of the rope...or be dragged" and I feel like I see a bit of that here. Your focus seems to be on her and your reactions tied to her actions. I may be wrong but that doesn't seem like indifference. Definitely disdain though and that isn't indifference.
Guessing her intentions is fruitless. Frequently, people in affairs or MLC have the mindset of a teenager. I hope to hear much less about her in your future posts and more about you, the 180s you are doing, how you are GALing in the midst of all this, and what you might be doing in terms of self care.
It is understandable to vent, to grieve, and express that and more here. I'm just recommending a pivot here to a greater focus on you and what's in your control. Maintain your boundaries, follow-through on facts you've stated like getting her things out of the house, and act as if your truly "immune" to her attempts to manipulate you when the OM lets her down. She fired you from the position of husband so all the benefits that come along with it should be revoked when she comes back your way.
Easier said then done, I know. Lots of success stories out here from people who stick to it. I hope as we continue to read that you'll be another one.
I think im at the pure indifference and disdain mentality right now.
I agree with MrP.
Indifference is feeling numb, or having greatly attenuated emotions towards STBXW. Disdain, although an understandable reaction to her behaviours, does not lend to, nor corroborate being indifferent.
As such, you are being dragged about a bit. Perfectly normal reaction as things are getting closer to the house deadline. Now, you can/do control you - your thoughts, actions, and reactions. You can encourage, foster, reinforce detachment which is dropping the rope.
Indifference is not the holy grail in all this. Indifference is a temporary waypoint along the journey. A time of silence from all our cacophony from our spouse’s words and behaviour. This period of calm is an excellent opportunity for introspection; for digging deep within. Disdain and dragged around won’t appear on the menu.
As indifference unwinds, feeling do return. Hopefully, one has done some inner work (i.e. steps toward self discovery and forgiveness) during this time. One’s emotions do come back, just less pulling. One’s power and self control taking more of the reins.
Originally Posted by Catman19
I was expecting her to…
Expectations.
Unmet expectations lead to resentment. Which then spins up one’s feelings and frustrations.
Originally Posted by Catman19
…come over this weekend as it’s a long weekend here and go through things and pick what she wants to keep and what she doesnt so i can separate and dump/give away whats left. The response i got today was "i have plans this weekend" which is frustrating because she uses im working during the week excuse but weekends based on my instagram snooping of her account shes making plans with her new knight and shining armor protector. So she cant be bothered.
Amplified feelings being reinforced then lead us down various rabbit holes. Coupled that with snooping is a good way to keep oneself attached.
The house and its contents is part of the business side of this situation. Treat it as such. Treat it like a business deal gone sideways, for that is what it is.
When dealing with business stuff - be/remain businesslike.
Originally Posted by Catman19
So i gave her a set date of June 16th, day after that everything is assumed to be garbage. She replies I’ll get things by the 22nd which is a mere handful of days before closing.
Now, going forward and to throw some water on the fire instead gas (we always carry two buckets, one with water and one with gas, and get to choose which to use):
The quickest way to stop her fighting - agree with her.
So:
W - I’ll get my things by the 22nd.
Catman - Thank you.
Now, you are back in control of self. You have a schedule. Now, you make plans for the days of 23rd to 27th, for you to clean, and ensure the house is ready. After all, you can only control you.
Keep expectations dialled to zero. Expect nothing. Which oddly is equivalent to expect anything. Her stuff might be all gone, might be all there, or some in-between state. Doesn’t matter. Deal with whatever it is, then.
Negotiating with a person in emotional turmoil is difficult. Takes some finesse. They usually will fight against anything you say or propose. Even if it is beneficial to them. Allowing them come up with the idea has a better chance of their cooperation. A much better chance of them following through on their ideas, than our’s.
Let things lay with her. Don’t poke the bear. Continue to clean and prepare your things. And see what the 23rd brings. (Don’t fret. It will work out. One way or another.)
It’s just business.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Yeah my biggest issue with 23rd is it leaves me very little time to go to garbage dump, move what has to be moved, as i have to sell the vehicle. My biggest issue is throughout this process the more ive given in to her alteration of everything the more she has taken that as a free pass and a sign that there is no urgency. I cannot let her dictate the logistics of something that can cause legal issues to which i become responsible as well. I have a boat load of things to do for myself and her altering dates to last minute jeopardizes my to do list. So i ended up getting my lawyer to draft and send an email This is the exact wording and it puts things into a strictly business perspective
As you are aware, the sale of the home closes on June 28, 2024. We need to set a timetable to clear out all of our contents/belongings in advance of this date. I have tried to work with you on arranging a time that you can attend to deal with your contents/belongings, but this has been very challenging.
Please immediately advise when you plan on attending the home to remove your contents/belongings. If there are items in the home that you wish to keep that are not yours, please let me know so that I can set them aside for you.
To allow for the removal and clearing of the items in the house in an orderly fashion, please ensure that you attend prior to June 17, 2024. If I do not hear from you before May 30, 2024 with your dates, then I will assume that you do not wish to keep your items and I will arrange for them to be disposed at your cost.
Ill be completely honest the snooping is no longer making me attached. In an odd counterintuitive way it's actually been helping me detach even quicker and remove emotions. It's desensitizing me from her and the person my brain has been tricking me into thinking she was. It's also allowing me to see how unseriously she's taking the process and giving me some incentive to use my lawyer more and when necessary to make this clear and serious. It shows me how her patterns and cycles are in repetition and gives me insight into her true self more than i would have gotten otherwise. The last time she came to the home I felt nothing for her and I purposely stayed away from home until she was gone. While before I'd still feel something when looking at her, I just couldn't be bothered.
I think for the first time in a while I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and my vision for my new life back in my country of origin surrounded by my family is becoming clearer and something to look forward too. Seeing her behaviour and continuation of brokenness has helped push me like a cattle prod quicker into that new life.
A lot of the stressors now from me is the fact I have a good few dozen things to do and make sure I forget nothing as my ticket will be one way, but I purposely left many of those things for the 4-5 weeks i have off work so i can be busy everyday.
Ive been throwing in some last goodbyes and coffees/lunches with good friends to occupu any downtime and have been giving my own possessions to people i value as a thank you for being there for me. Its alot easier to give things to people that i know will appreciate it vs selling it to strangers or discarding.
You aren’t detached at all Cat. The fact you are still snooping tells us that. This isn’t a fake it til you make it situation.
You can’t control her and what she does and when she does it, and I guarantee that letter your lawyer just sent will be viewed as an act of control. She gave you a date, and you didn’t like it, so here comes the lawyers letter.
Stop worrying about her and her stuff. It’s not your responsibility or problem. Worry about you and your stuff.
Drop the rope and stop snooping on her.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Thank you Joseph. While I agree I cannot control her and should only focus on me. I am living in the home and I need to have it empty by specific dates, and because I am not keeping very much of what's in here as I'm moving overseas. I need to know what to dispose of/give away/sell. I'm still legally liable for having this home clear even if i leave it to her. She's become heavily unreliable and delays everything and I can actually see her not being bothered at all. I have far too many times let her drive the bus and control how my life goes - delaying home sale last year (i need her signature), delaying destroying of embryos (need her signature), and delaying the mediation ( I need her to get her pension valuation). While it seems i can do my part and let her do her own, had i left this situation up to her wed not even be selling the house and based on what shes said she was perfectly fine us living in this arrangement of me living in this house, not being legally separated, so finances tied together as long as debts and assetsx and she continues living her life with other prople while i want all ties cut.
To me dropping the rope means, not holding any assets with her, not being tied to her debts, not being legally married and being free to start over and build my new life without her in the picture in any way. While it may seem im trying to exert control on her by setting dates, i really am not bothered by how she sees it because shes just a teenager in mind right now. I need to regain as much control of how my own life goes from this point on
I’ve bought a few houses in my life moving around, and never heard of being legally liable for having a home clear. And considering how much stuff I’ve thrown out of the previous owners that was still in the homes I’ve moved too I’m struggling with that one.
So what are the repercussions for you, not her, but for you if you take care of your stuff and she’s on her own with her own stuff?
If she’s unbothered by losing her stuff, why does that mean it needs to bother you?
I honestly read that as one big excuse to maintain contact, but maybe where you are laws are different.
I do want to ask this, if she’s stalling to do anything, which is basically 100% common, and you’re forcing this through why are you here? I don’t mean that negatively, but you can’t save a marriage by forcing a divorce.
And dropping the rope in terms of divorce busting doesn’t change. It has nothing to do with being legally tied to her in anyway. It’s about detaching from her emotionally, which you are not doing.
Your lawyer can handle basically 100% of what you are trying to do, and you’ve gotten nowhere for quite some time, so why not just let your lawyer handle it all? Why reach out in anyway? Why not just have your lawyer do it the first time everything? And that’s a serious question.
And it does bother you, maybe not in the moment you wrote that, but how many updates/entries where you are venting frustration have you made?
I’m not saying this to be mean, just being blunt.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
On the contract of sale of home its stipulated that home is to be left completely empty. Typically if it isnt then the buyer can and usually does empty the home at the expense of the seller and the adjustment is made to the disbursement of closing proceeds. Im really not trying to stay in contact with her other than to deal with logistics. Im cutting all ties in terms of divorce not to try and save marriage, thats clearly not going to happen. I need clean slate because im making a permanent move to another country, i also need documentation of divorce as i am legally married in country im going to. I want this because these are things i dont want to have to deal with when i get there, and i have new career ready to go so i want my focus 100% on there and that. I also want to carry as little emotional and financial baggage as possible. Not that im looking to meet anyone, only when im ready, i do not want any ties whatsoever when and if this happens as well.
My frustration is the fact I need to use legal channels for things that shouldnt be necessary and is costing me more than it should, for basic things. She has clearly moved on but is trying to manipulate the situation as much as possible. I have a lot on my plate in terms of dealing with things related to my move so her back and forth comittiing to given days is forcing me to alter my plans, i need dates and times and a rough plan. I will make due one way or another but i needed to give her a drop dead date or else nothing gets done and it still interferes with my itinerary one way or another. I know i cannot control her and thats not the point.
In terms of detachint emotionally, i fully expect that to happen naturally when ive left the country. Also im a man of faith and its very important to me to not be legally married, between church and state, as i believe it is the right way to do things moving forward and its the best way to be fair to any new partner. I know it might sound just like a logistical thing to others, but had it not been for faith i probably would be in a much worse space than i have been. Ive looked to a lot of scripture as a way to guide my actions and intentions and it has served me well.
Also because im not moving elsewhere here, anything she doesnt want and i decide to keep, has to be inventoried for customs clearance as im planning on shipping things on a container overseas, so dates are important for this. All i need from her is s yes i want to keep this or no, but that has been difficult to do. My parents moved overseas and sent a shipping container and you have to declare pretty much every single item, for duties and customs clearance, so its a detailed process.
If you put that in the contract knowing full well how much trouble you’ve been having getting her to be an adult, you have to take some responsibility for that. You also need to take some responsibility for that fact you decided to move to a different country and start over while dealing with this knowing full well what she’s been doing. I understand this is frustrating, but she’s not living by your timeline and hasn’t been for a while. You made a lot of decisions that require her to be compliant with them.
I’m not sticking up for her, I’m trying to get you to see your place in this mess you are in.
Stick to your lawyer for communication. You’re done, moving away, and want to divorce her. She has been difficult at pretty much every turn, and you are still doing the same thing (contacting her) expecting different results.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
The buyers wanted end of May closing date and this had to be moved because she dragged her feet on getting documentation for mediation in a timely manner, they did this without making adjustment to price and their offer was unconditional. Having the house clear and clean and broom swept is standard practice in contracts here and is usually expected. The only time this tends to not happen is when people sell house straight as is, which typically garners a lower sale price. For me to start leaving money on the table here and there is not financially advantageous to me. Also real estate market was worst in 10 years for that particular month so buyers market dictates buyer tends to be more in charge. I only contacted lawyer and use her to give her set dates because this protects me legally and financially and she cannot say she wasnt given adequate notice. Its more to cover my own ass in the situation. That being said if she doesnt have it clear by then i will dump everything and there cannot be complaints afterwards. When dealing with an uncooperative person, deadlines and dates have to be set and repercussions have to be shown. Im merely covering my basis as im dealing with an unreasonable person and im fully aware of that.
[spoiler][/spoiler]I understand, but this reads to me like it’s all her fault…..and it’s not.
You know what you are dealing with, and have known, and still trusted her to do the right thing in a timely manner, that’s on you.
This could have been nipped in the bud pretty quickly by not waiting to use a lawyer after it’s already been pushed back once.
Stick to the lawyer, stop contacting her. She doesn’t take you seriously and doesn’t care what you have to say and she’s proven that with her actions.
Stop looking at her social media under under the guise that you’re just keeping tabs on her and if she’s busy.
Would you trust a stranger the way you’ve trusted her with all of this? I sure wouldn’t and the sooner you understand she’s’ not emotionally your wife anymore, the better you’ll handle this. You’ve been fired as her husband, that’s the only way to look at this.
I’m trying to get you to see this from a different perspective. You have to take responsibility for that fact you acted as if she’s something she’s not. She’s not responsible, she’s not acting as an adult would, and yet you keep expecting her too. Again change your expectations and act accordingly.
Last edited by JosephS; 05/17/2405:47 PM.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
While agreeing with her might get her to stop fighting. Trying to be cooperative and agreeing with her has only enabled her to do as shes been doing, to me this is a boundary pushing exercise. When you try a specific approach and it backfires every time, the only choice is to take control and set clear lines in the sand. Ive agreed to go with mediation, which is something that she wanted and she has taken advantage of the less seriousness of that, so far as to even be warned by mediator that if pension paperwork wasnt handed in when it was supposed to that it would cause complications with house sale and with separation process. When i left it up to her to take things before to clear house to stage it, she took her time and focused on new relationship. So i know and am being clearly shown the soft approach is inneffective. Ive gotten to this situation largely because of being a doormat and continuing to be that has only made things more difficult and dragged on things.
As joseph said i am not dealing with a serious person so you cannot bargain with such people. If i give her the 22nd she will wait until the day of.
Im taking the path i am taking now because ive had enough of this situation and bargaining and cooperation have been done only by me and noone else. There comes a time when the carrot and the stick approach requires more stick than carrot
Figure out what kind of person I am currently dealing with. Respond to each type completely different: 1) Wise people listen, so talking to them works. 2) When dealing with foolish people, stop talking and set limits and consequences. 3) If the person is behaving evil, let lawyers and law enforcement deal with them.
Remember, 55% of the message is conveyed visually through body language and facial expressions, 38% is expressed vocally by my tempo, tone and inflections and only 7% verbally through my words. Before speaking, assure all 3V’s are congruent to avoid confusing the listener.
Sounds like you are on the right path of dealing with her.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
thanks for replies guys, i ramble on a lot here but its a great place to vent and get frustrations out.
I have ceased communicating with her unless its business only and even thats sparse, any attempts to coordinate anything is usually met with no concrete times, dates, etc. So thats clearly not an option. I do not see her, dont talk to her on phone or message, its a waste of energy in my opinion and very unproductive.
Despite all this at least i sense some hope, which is something i havent had in a while, the more it drags on the more the prospect of my new life gives me even a small sense of optimism. I know its no cure or solution to my emotional state, but I am putting myself in the best situation for healing and create a new oppurtunity, and for once in my life I am looking out for my own well being and pursuit of personal happiness, without external input from anyone but the person that stands in the mirror. She is merely an obstacle to me now, but nothing that I cant surmount. I realized a few months back that she has chosen the wrong path and I have to choose my path now and stick to it.
I long ignored my own intuition and perception of her and my life and now its time to let destiny and fate take me to where i belong.
ill leave with this reading from 2 Timothy 3:1-17 But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people. ..
Catman, I just read through your story and cried through so much of it. I'm sad for you. I'm sad for your W and your situation. I don't know that I'll ever understand MLC and that it is a real thing although with so many similar stories on here, clearly MLC is a real thing. Just doesn't make much sense how a good person can be so irrational. I am truly sorry and offer you virtual hugs.
I've been so tempted to cut the cord, too, but don't know that I'm ready. Adult kids are still holding on with hope, which influences me to keep hope alive. I also don't have the courage to snoop as I imagine I would learn things about H that I'm not prepared to swallow. That day is coming and my reaction/response is something I think about a lot. How much can I accept? Not knowing what H is up to only provides a bit of comfort...I still wonder and imagine the worst....equally unhealthy.
Do you think that snooping has influenced your decision to walk away? If you didn't know about OM, would you hold out? Would you be better off not knowing and let W ride her waves until she crashes? Maybe if you stop snooping, you could be more at peace. After all, what she does, she will do...whether you're in the know or not.
I'm afraid that if you continue to snoop, your (hurt) feelings won't change and you won't heal, regardless of the country you move (run) to. I like that you're moving to a place where family can comfort you...even if you don't share details with them....having family around will bring love, peace, support, etc. I'm happy for you in that regard.
I wish I had answers but instead I share questions I pose to myself....still searching for answers.
H:49 W:49 M:26; T:32 D21; S23 BD1: Feb 2023 (I think it was a BD) BD2: Sept 2023 Moved out: Dec 2023
Thank you for your kind words MamaG. Yeah I do regret coming onto these forums a year too late and doing everything I shouldn't have done. That being said it definitely was a combination of many things, mlc, failure of fertility as central to that. I think when I realized she was never going to change and self reflect was when through my snooping I saw she was ending it with the ap that started while in this marriage and continued through R and I had met her in person. She seemed somewhat contrite and sad when looking at a small family and I could feel the pain of reality of not being able to be a mom. I kindly said to her, you know happiness is not something you should seek to get from others but something you have from deep inside, she gently nodded and agreed. A day later through my snooping she's confessing she wants to spend the rest of her life with a new guy, along with a bunch of sexual talk. A day later I see a flood of messages from original AP about how she cheated on him. When I saw these actions and tried to match it to her words I could see that not only was she not listening to her therapist or working on bettering herself or even trying to show me any remorse, I realized I needed to extricate myself from this person in my life. There comes a point when you hold out hope someone can come to realization of their actions or at least see some effort to better themselves and all I say was her repeating the cycles of behavior but at an even more accelerated pace. I don't recommend anyone snoop, I was just tired of being manipulated in this whole process and trying to open my heart a little to her to show her what real love is, but her actions never matched her words, her tears felt manufactured to keep me around, her sometimes apologetic words felt like a ploy just to keep me in her life. Through the snooping I also saw her interactions with her sister and how it seems that they have built a bond against me and their own parents who have done everything for them, to the point about saying the parents have shown them toxic gratitude and that I'm being a narcissist and toxic. Like it seems she's being enabled to act out worse. I have realized it's time for me to find happiness and the damage that has been done by her and her supporters can not be reversed and I don't think I can ever look at them in any semblance of a loving manner. I believe I deserve someone who respects me and loves me for who I am and I don't want a life of second guessin, triggers, doubts, intrusive thoughts, it's not a healthy way to live. Knowing that the woman I've spent almost a quarter century with is sharing her body with what is now the 4th or 5th man makes me understand that I don't have any value in her life and mind
And to add to that it seems her childishness and rebeliousness has only gotten worse, almost to the point of being completely insufferable, all while she projects resentment and anger towards me for any minor or imperfect actions from me in the marriage. Resentment is the enemy of accountability and I can see that I'd rather be alone and heal and work on myself then put myself through round 3 of trying to fix something I did not break with someone who doesn't realize they aren't broken.
That being said, I see some positive signs in your situation, it's a situation worth showing patience in and it seems he's having a difficult battle within himself, from your thread I don't see overt signs of repetitive disrespect and demeaning of character with someone else involved to the extent it became so in my face with me. Be patient t and please focus on your physical health, your mental health will follow, find comfort in faith it has helped make me stronger. We all answer to a higher being and we must be thankful for what we have as there are others who are worse off. Hang in there you are doing the right thing and getting good advice here, do not show weakness to him but do not let him make you his doormat. A teenager is much like mlc they will push your boundaries and see what they can get away with and the more you let them the further they will take it.
So I finally made the decision to book my one way ticket, end of the next month I will be leaving the country I've called home for 35.5 years. It's bittersweet but a change of scenery to a new place with a stronger support system I'd a welcome change from the current status quo. Stbxw came over today and she kept giving me that look, aka the trying to use charm on me look, but I've been manipulated so much by her and I see that she continues her second honeymoon romance with OM 4, that it basically stuck to me like an egg on a Teflon pan. I look at her and although the sound of her voice still feels comforting and she didn't seem as irritated with me, I look at her and I see an ugly person inside. Someone who is still lost and confused. I suspect her putting off losing me is not going to go as plan, as I've warned her that this would happen but I don't think the gravity of it has hit her yet.
To be honest I am spending more mental energy envisioning my life there and someone I know from here has reached out to me and I might consider doing some sort of business with them eventually. I like keeping my options open and keeping doors from closing. For the first time in a while I see the silver lining in what is to come. Giving away my things has become easier and easier and I've detached mostly from any of my possessions. I know the final moving out of house and getting on the plane will be hard on many fronts, but I cannot live my life in limbo and I have to let what God desires for me to happen. It has been a long and hard road but the obstacles one must overcome become learning lessons and fuel to fortify ones faith and inner strength.
You sound happy and therefore, I'm happy for you. You've defined your path forward and it will be a huge change with opportunity. Glad you're embracing it. You're brave. You have a greater support system to look forward to which I'm sure is motivating. Hope you'll continue to provide updates and feedback on our threads.
H:49 W:49 M:26; T:32 D21; S23 BD1: Feb 2023 (I think it was a BD) BD2: Sept 2023 Moved out: Dec 2023
So just checking back in here. Pretty much counting down the days until I leave, now less than a month away. Mediation has all the documentation ready and just awaiting back response from mediator. Majority of big items from house are gone. It has been somewhat therapeutic giving my personal things to people that I know, it's not as difficult as it was in beginning. I'm starting to realize how little value possessions have to ones life and well being. It somewhat reminds me of where I came from, to which I am returning, came to this country with no possession, no toys, no luxuries, not knowing the language and learning to value simple things and connections with people. Somrthing stood out for me - one of my 2 close friends, and one i confided heavily in, came over to my house to get some things, he told me his daughter age 10 asked him what happened to our backyard. I normally have a beautiful garden with a nice patio set, and the last time they came here the 3 kids along with us spent a whole evening outside until 4am, dinner followed by a sitting around the firepit. I always appreciated how the their kids enjoyed being outside when other kids who were here wanted to go inside and either play video games or watch TV. It stuck with me as a child builds such a lasting impression of experiences that we sometimes don't fully appreciate.
So today, I decided to enjoy a good long coffee with some work colleagues, probably for the last time. I came home and shortly after she called, I answered as I knew it was likely to deal with home things and it was. I remained civil with her, even asked her to bring over the kitties, I always enjoyed seeing them. As we worked out details of what she was taking today and before hanging up, she mistakenly says I love you. She said sorry right after and I just said ok bye. Either it was by sheer comfort and habit or practice from saying to OM, but it was still hard hearing those words. I know we are always supposed to stay detached and not let these things get to us, but alas we are human. It did hit a soft spot with me but at the same time brought me to the reality that so much is coming to an end. I truly and deeply think she's starting to feel it, feel the fact it's ending, feeling the fact that I'm actually leaving for good. In the recent interactions I have seen no irritation and no raising of voice nor resentment. I am not taking that at nothing more than face value. But I do sense she tried to cope quickly and aggressively with moving on to a bigger and better life and chasing what she thought was a solution for her void of internal happiness and maybe some small hints of reality are momentarily entering her psyche. That being said in my voice or in my outward presence around her I do not show emotion. I just want to get on with the logistical requirements of everything that needs to be done
To anyone reading this or going through it, you will go through different phases of emotions, what may seem or feel abnormal, isn't. Let yourself feel what you have to feel, it's what makes us who we are, we have a heart and a soul. Do not stray from doing what is best for you and what you want from your life. Feel the sorrow, feel the hurt, cry when you need to, heck even talk to yourself if you must, say a prayer to yourself and ask God for strength, try not to Harbour any hatred or resentment as hard as it may seem. Be the version of yourself that God would ask you to be, take the time to absorb your surroundings, listen to the birds chirping, the leaves ruffling, breathe in the scent of the cut grass, or the blooming flowers. Do not let yourself fall into a cycle of negative thoughts.
Hope everyone is well and enjoy the rest of the day
Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. And keeping one’s heart soft and squishy in all this, instead of letting/encouraging it to harden and calcify is an excellent path, IMHO.
Becoming the best version of oneself. The person you were/are meant to be. Yes, it requires investing into listening and absorbing the small moments around you. Sights, sounds, sensations abound. It’s amazing how fulfilling and rejuvenating a wee break to smell the roses, a wee break from the busy paced modern life, truly is.
I’m with you, it’s hard to beat relaxing with friends and family around a campfire. My kids, now , express how much they loved those moments/times.
Originally Posted by Catman19
It stuck with me as a child builds such a lasting impression of experiences that we sometimes don't fully appreciate.
One will/might forget what you did for them, yet they never forget how you made them feel.
It sounds like everything is coming together pretty well. Just under a month to go. Doing good my friend.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Just a reminder of how we are called to live on this earth and what makes us truly good people, we should never compromise who we are and what we value
Colossians 3:1-25
If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry.
Just here for update. So I think I've gotten to the point where I feel a lot more comfortable with emotional detachment, regardless of whether I see her in person or not. I'm now 14 days from closing on the house and 16 days from catching my flight. I have seen her more often now to deal with going through house items. Her still being hyper focused on OM4 has actually kind of made things easier, she has gotten a second storage unit and will just be taking everything that has mixed belongings together. This kind of takes a little of the burden off my hands and I don't really care about small inanimate objects, as the things that I want to keep I have either shipped over the Atlantic and the things I need for here I have stored in my brother's garage. I saw my therapist in person for the last time and gave her a small anyhurium flower as a sign of appreciation for all the guidance, and I must admit it made a massive difference in the healing process. I set up an online session with her for when I'm over there. When I see the stbxw I look at her and see nothing more than a lost soul. I can see she gets flustered with any logistical thing, I have done most or the heavy lifting in terms of legal documents for home, canceling services, returning equipment, booking rental truck for final move and garbage dump visit
I had a deal where I would sell my car to a close friend for a certain price and when I told her, as I needed to because her name was on the ownership and I'd need a signature, she decided she wanted to buy it off of me for same price. This actually saved me the trouble of having to get a safety inspection pre sale, as is necessary in this jurisdiction and I could transfer over ownership much more easily as spouses are exempt from taxes and safety requirement. I have no clue what she's going to do with an existing car costing 900/month between car loan and insurance + 3000/month in apartment rent and now 2 vehicles under her name. I made sure that the other vehicle which has 22k still outstanding becomes hers and her debt and ownership to carry. So in doing all of this, all my financial obligations here have dropped to 0, the proceeds of home sale will more than cover my outstanding debts and I'll have a really big chunk of money to start fresh.
The one thing that's stuck in my craw is the few times I've spoken to her, she has out of habit continued to accidentally say endearing terms, like babe, sweetie a few times and continued accidentally saying I love you, to the point where I actually had to tell her to stop. This behaviour truly tells me she's in a completely different and abnormal state of mind. It feels like she has been kinder to me but almost seems eerily familiar to last year after I kicked her out and how she showed me more emotion and felt a sense of loss when I took a trip back home. It feels exactly the same as in she's being nice while I'm around knowing I'm going to leave but the emotions and feelings not hitting her yet. I suspect that her head will proverbially hit the wall when my exit date becomes closer and she will feel all the guilt and loss that she hadn't thought of. As someone who lives in the moment and in the feelings of the moment she doesn't foresee these things as I do. I am not bothered by any of these things just merely making an observation as our mediator will draft up a final agreement of separation next Tuesday and that's the final piece in the puzzle for me. I also made it clear to her there will be no communication once I've left, and even if there are belongings of mine mixed in with her things that she is to contact my brother and not to contact me directly, even if she tried outside of email that won't be possible once my number changes.
And a lesson to everyone else going through this, even at this stage yes I still have bad days, emotional days, days of reminiscing and ruminating, days of crying until I have no more energy to do so, I'm accepting and embracing of these feelings as they are the only ways to fully go through the process and move towards proper healing. Do not feel shame for still loving them or missing them, shame for crying for someone who's lost and is onto the next shiny object, they are on their own broken path, full of bumps, potholes and stormy weather, you have to remain steadfast on your own path, one where you can see the run rise on the horizon, moving away from the darkness left behind you. It is through pain, hurt and grieving that one finds a sense of fulfillment, hope and promise. Don't be afraid to take this path but don't let any anchors attached to you keep you from arriving at your destination.
Good morning, Catman. It sounds like you're making lots of good progress. As you say, we can experience setbacks or relapses along the way too. You start talking about detachment and later comment that the statements you're sharing about your XW are just observations, rather than things that bother you. At the same time, I read how her use of old terms of endearment sticks "in your craw". A fair amount of the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs above get into a fair amount of guessing at her thinking or intentions or being critical of her actions (with the car payment situation for example). When I read those paragraphs, it felt like the opposite of detachment given the amount of detail you went into. The last paragraph about having bad days also made me further think that as you prepare to depart, it is reasonable to experience mixed feelings and revisit that attachment or loss a bit. As you suggest, don't be afraid to let those feelings flow or they'll find another way out. I'm glad to read that you're going to continue to connect with your therapist. A D and international move are two, major life events at once. I admire your ability to keep it together to do both in such close proximity.
So yesterday the stbxw agreed to come over and spend day going through things at home with me and clearing out more things to prepare for the weekend where the house has to be 95% clear, house closes a week from tomorrow. The idea was she would come and go through the rest of the things with me, we'd separate everything, garbage bags to one side, things to go to her storage on the other and recycling to the side as well. The plan was for me to rent a truck this weekend and together we'd load her things for storage in truck and I'd make a trip with her to storage unit, another trip after to take garbage and recycling to local dump transfer station. The remaining stuff that I would keep I would take care of and drop off at my brother's garage. The first 30 minutes starred out ok but then she started being disrespectful to me, I have not spoken about our relationship, marriage, cheating, new partners, nothing. I don't want to bother wasting energy on such things, as it's a fruitless endeavor and it's a pointless waste of time for me. I could sense through her words and actions that she had so much resentment, even throwing out backhanded comments such as, "you think youre just going to buy a whole new set of items where youre going", "do you think im afraid of you", she really started to get under my skin. Im at fault for letting this happen, i have been on anti depressants which have helped me remain calmer and given me a more stable and solid baseline at least until all the life changes are complete for me. The kicker with her was when i asked what time she was coming on the weekend, she then replies to me that she made plans for this weekend. I looked around and i could see a full truckload of things she still needed to take, if not more. It got to the point where the insults and resentment was so much that as i had a picture frame of pictures with us which i was putting on the garbage pile, i broke the glass picture frame on my leg, few seconds later my knee and shin were full of blood. I decided to go for a walk and cool my head off, i took the oppurtunity to call her parents and ask her father if he could help me to load and unload all the garbage on Saturday and he agreed. They also decided to later come by and go through things and clean up. Before that after she made one trip to storage with car she apologized for how she behaved and even brought me a sandwich , her parents then coming by seemed to bring her back to a calmer more respectful manner.
I know i shouldnt have done what i did and i know i let her get to me and it definitely was a weak moment for me, but sometimes the disrespect and immaturity can get to be so much that you have to defend yourself. I sense her bitterness and resentment is driving her behaviour with me, its shades of last year before i left. Its as if im removing an option from her life choices and she's lashing out at me because ive decided to leave. I have been trying my hardest to fight through the emotions as this is a lot of life change for anyone to undergo all at once, and for the most part ive been focused on the things ive needed to do. Ive already got a vehicle that I'm going to purchase when i arrive there at a discount as my cousin works for a big automaker and he got me a family discount, i have a job lined up and a meeting with someone there to do this, I've taken care of all necessary documentation, banking needs, address changes, pension arrangement, clothing, personal belongings, selling car, legal matters, etc.
Ive even done the majority of the logistical heavy lifting to prepare home for closing and I feel shes been as irresponsible and immature as ever. Her sole focus seems to be have fun in free time and let the rest take care of itself.
Yesterday was also our final mediation session, for things to go smoothly i decided to only ask for the money of the vehicle as the only adjustment to separation agreement, doing so I forfeited pension equlization and spousal support. Pension difference was a negligible difference and spousal support i wasnt going to want anyways. I want the process to go as smoothly as possible. So here i am, just needing to send agreement to my lawyer and 10 days away from my flight. I know i shouldnt worry or care but i have a sense reality is starting to hit her hard now, while ive been mentally preparing for a very long time. I think although i dont think i want to forgive her, i believe thats up yo her and God now, im also more accepting of what i have been given. My father spent the last weekend in hospital after an operation and i feel that at least I can be of some value when i go back and illl feel at least some sense of purpose. Its almost like a feeling of being in prison and i know when my release day is but visualizing it is hard, i know i will feel a small sense of freedom and hope
And in this life without hope and optimism lifr becomes a struggle
Sorry to hear the day took a turn and went sideways. The feeling of being overwhelmed can lead to some rash and unwanted reactions. Glad you went for a walk and found your center again.
Originally Posted by Catman19
I know i shouldnt have done what i did and i know i let her get to me and it definitely was a weak moment for me, but sometimes the disrespect and immaturity can get to be so much that you have to defend yourself.
“But”. You are making excuses here. Own it. Learn from it. Do differently next time. You control you!
Not to beat you up here, please know that.
“disrespect and immaturity can get to be so much that you have to defend yourself.” Let’s unpack that a bit.
Defend against immaturity. In any room there is usually at least one adult. Be the adult. Be the responsible one. Take ownership and accountability of self. It’s all you can control. You.
Defend against disrespect. Boundaries. Clearly stated and enforced. It’s about your response, premeditated response, to disrespectful behaviour. Again, it’s all you can control. You.
Defending. Not quite. Fighting begets fighting. Your desire is only to accomplish the task. Let her be immature. Let her be right. That’s a quick way to deescalate, or by your actions not further a situation.
Defending brings your need to be right. To hold ground. To die on the hill. To fight. It’s inflexible. Be more on how you respond to such immaturity and disrespect, rather than how you defend against such. IMHO.
W: You think you’re just going to buy a whole new set of items where your’e going.
W: Do you think I’m afraid of you.
Catman: W, I’m sorry. I’m not here to fight. I’m just here to get the house cleaned up is all.
Originally Posted by Catman19
Her sole focus seems to be have fun in free time and let the rest take care of itself.
That’s par for the course.
Expectations. You are expecting her to do a certain thing. Her having plans for the weekend and not fully invested into getting the house ready is beyond your control. Dial your expectations to zero. Just deal with the various curve balls being thrown in your direction. And when/if they are thrown.
How far along did you get yesterday? It sounds like W calmed somewhat, and I suspect her parents were helpful in the task too.
Hope today is a better one.
Take care.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Her parents helped her behave, get things done, not keep things that were garbage and be organized in the task at hand. They basically repeated everything I was saying but as I'm seen as an enemy and her bitterness of me leaving has put blurry spectacles on how she sees things. Having her parents here also kept her from being disrespectful and ill tempered. I have nonetheless throughout been kind and cordial, even said I'd give her a hand with my rented truck taking and offloading her things which were my things before but since she's taking all and I'm taking none it takes these items off my hands. I also offered to have car repaired (needs ac freon and odb reset) at her expense of course, as my friend is the mechanic and I can trust him and he does good and affordable job, despite the car already being under her name and the financial adjustment already made on separation. It also gives me a chance to get out of the home as I have very few items to entertain myself with and house is mostly empty or boxed up and my bags are packed, I've shipped what I've had to overseas and my remaining items will be gone this weekend. I realized right away I overreacted but at least when I got back and cooled off there was a decent apology from her. It ended up being productive and mediator appointment went well. I don't feel I hate her anymore for what she's done, but rather disappointed in what we are both losing. I never discuss her personal life or what has transpired before as I feel it's misspelt energy, my incident yesterday was more borne out of direct disrespect and basically her irking any responsibility to take her things out of here out of timely manner. Her parents at least helped her get through enough things that I can now go to local dump in small available time window which they are open to public with basically all the waste. Had her parents not come, I'd be sorting through her things and then if I'd trash things she wanted I'd have to deal with complaints.
All that being said I'm kind of looking forward to finally putting this to an end and having my flight, will be the first time my brother and I will both be together with parents in roughly 8 years so it will be a nice change, and July tends to be loaded with festivals and great weather. It starts as a vacation and morphs into a new life gradually. I'm making sure that I unwind for a couple weeks minimum and then get started on my future plans there of which there are a few.
Every positive change in your interactions with her will carry forward to the women that come and go in your life. Keep up the changes and you will attract higher quality women.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
So today is the 26th, my flight leaves on the 30th, we decided today was the final day we sweep,clean the home and she is to hand in the keys to me to give to new owners who take possession on the 28th. I have had a harder time than usual in the last couple of days as i see the home we built almost completely void and empty of any human character, much like it was when we moved in after picking out the home together. Today we meet with lawyers for signing all of the closing documents and finalizing the legalities of the sale. Tomorrow is also the day I get legal advice on separation agreement from my lawyer which is a mere formality.
It hit me hard last night, today is going to be the day I say the word "goodbye" the first time I will be saying it knowing that there is finality in these words and likely the last time I will see the woman that I've spent all of my adult life with. It definitely made the night more difficult, but it's something I know I have to do, although my heart still carries so much love for this woman, I know it's what I have to do. For too long I've let my heart dictate my actions and it has gotten me into more trouble, because of this I have delegated all my decision making to my gut instinct and logical brain. Just a mere week ago she had an outburst saying I'm not afraid of you. A reminder to me as explained in Shirley glass book just friends, that when they leave the marriage and open up to others they live in a castle and build walls to their husband and open the doors and windows to others to enter. I'm still in her eyes seen as all bad and the enemy so I know I must soldier on and do what's best to protect me and move forward with my life.
As the days approach it becomes so surreal, each day a struggle in itself knowing that so many things are coalescing into a final end to the book that has been my life, almost 4 decades growing up and building my life here, 1.5 decades building up this home, a job I've sp3nt almost 2 decades in being put on pause for 5 years, a relationship built over 22 years, all of this ending at the same time. I knew this would be a hard endeavor before I made all of the decisions to execute this plan, but I knew this was the best path for me. Bittersweet as a word does not begin to describe this. Time to start a new book, maybe label it part 2, much like the mythological Phoenix, from the ashes it rises and rebirth follows, or the bald eagle that at age 40 realizing it's beak is becoming dull, feathers heavy and ruffled, talons dulled, it escapes to the mountains in solitude, cracks it's beak until it breaks off and regrow, then plucks it's talons and feathers for new and sharper versions to grow. It is a conscious choice by the eagle as it's at a crossroads, does it give up to mother nature or it has a choice to fight through it and come out stronger and a new version of itself. It chooses the latter even though it's the harder option and it thrives once the process is complete. I can't think of a more perfect metaphor
Yes there is a finality in all this. And it does hit hard. As this chapter ends, a new one begins. Still, the “ending” of this previous one will, and must, be felt and processed first.
I do empathize. It feels much like the end of your book or story, and you are, or even must, start a new book. Have faith, and maybe a wee belief in one who has gone before, it is only a new chapter. Your book is still valid. Your life, your past, your experiences, knowledge, wisdom, etc, accumulates. In time, one heals and grows. These times and experiences add to one’s foundation, to one’s immutable past.
Rising from the ashes, or the eagle allegory of the need to shed one’s past to move forward (although factually untrue according to snopes), can be painful and difficult. Growth is difficult; one moving beyond their comfort zone and paradigm. Shaking off the ashes reveals a wiser bird, one having retaining its life lessons. A new chapter.
I am glad the house, car, belongings, and such found a calm resolution. The clean and sparse house would certainly bring some feelings of bittersweet and melancholy. (((Hugs))) It will subside.
The next while will be a mix of loss and looking towards the new. I do recall that juxtaposition during my path. Some advice: Live in the present moment. The future will unveil itself in time, and the past will offer its lessons. Remain grounded and centered and you will/can embrace both the opportunities and wisdom afforded, hard-earned, by your life’s story.
Have a great day Catman!
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
So yesterday I handed in home keys and it felt so surreal, leaving I hope I put so much mental and physical energy into. By the same token a sense of relief came through, finally getting out of something I was feeling trapped in for a long period brought me some comfort. I realized what the home was doing to me and that it wasn't detrimental to my health being there and having to constantly pester the stbxw to do her part and meet her responsibilities. Also based on her previous choice of words it felt like it was almost a bird cage of sorts, she had been perfectly fine me being in the home and her continuing her immoral lifestyle while keeping me caged up and there to play with when things didn't go the way she wanted. Being a bird let out of a cage is the sense I get now. My next door neighbour's home is where I'm staying and having some company at night is a welcome change rather than the empty soulless, lifeless shell my home had become. Today with the planning of a work colleague who is set to retire this year I will be getting together with a bunch of people from work whom I've spoken to on a regular basis so it will be nice to see everyone before I leave tomorrow. I decided to upgrade my ticket to first class as a way to treat myself and begin my new journey with some comfort and to go head first into new life with a better attitude and positive experience. It is nice to finally feel and see some hope on the horizon. I will not have to see her before I go so there's a silver lining in this. I will be dropping off the car tomorrow at her parents home and I sense some emotions will be there as they were always kind to me and I value people in my life who treat me well and they always welcomed me into their home and family and treated me as if I was a part of theirs.
The separation is not yet complete as I had to make an ammendment to ensure I'm removed from liability of her car and then lawyer will witness me signing the agreement and then it's left in her hands. I worry that she may not sign as she has yet to get a lawyer and might delay to keep some sort of control over me moving forward, but I will have to adjust accordingly
As per usual DnJ offers sound advice. While a new chapter may not be what you expected or even asked for, see it as a blessing with endless opportunities, choices. A new beginning, fresh start; a reunion with family. I must say that I'm happy and excited for you.
Safe travels, Catman and I wish you lots of happiness and successes in the motherland.
H:49 W:49 M:26; T:32 D21; S23 BD1: Feb 2023 (I think it was a BD) BD2: Sept 2023 Moved out: Dec 2023
Good evening, Catman. This is a great deal of change happening at one time. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and steadily moving ahead. You have the opportunity to build a wonderful life for yourself. I encourage you to think hard about what the values most important to you and use them as a filter going forward to decide how consistently you're living life consistent with your values. Time to set new goals. Work on being the "prize" for anyone you may choose to have a relationship with in the future. Grieve the loss of this relationship. Learn from whatever your contributions may have been to what got you to this point as well as how to be careful for the type of person who may approach you first to start a future relationship. We can often fall for the same kind of person or they seek us out because they find the same things attractive that your STBXW did. Keep posting. Safe travels and I look forward to hearing how you're settling in. Nice job upgrading to 1st class too. Enjoy!
Just an update. So im settling in in my new environment. Good to finally be around some family and in a completely new environment. While it's only day 2, a sense of relief has set in, I no longer feel trapped and tied down to a place which provided me no satisfaction. Spent the first night watching our country playing in the euro tournament and almost fell asleep after 2 days with no sleep but it was worth spending the time with my cousins. Again one thing that struck me was being at a cafe patio and seeing families with small children and babies enjoying the event and feeling a sense of family and different way of life. Something I'd rarely see if at all in the place I left. Did a few rounds saying hello to my family, now getting into routine of sitting outside and having my cup of coffee and listening to birds and roosters crowing early in the morning. It is a complete 360 from what I left as it's a very rural and remote location and the nearest town only has 40k residents. Moving froma. City of 5million to this is a definite culture change but I've always appreciated peace and quiet and solitude but being surrounded by family is always nice.
Mentally it feels a lot easier to let go of the shackles of everything that held me down and most of the separation stuff is done, just waiting on an ammendment to separation agreement and then can finalize it, but the money from home sale is not a concern. I'm going to take my time to settle rather than jumping head first into new life. Treating it as a vacation at first. When I left I sent one message to her and it was a simple goodbye and nothing more. I didn't expect nor want a reply but I think it's better that way, I didn't want to expend anymore energy on it. These couple of days have given me an oppurtunity to self reflect and look back at my marriage and I realize that Noone should have to endure emotional, physical abuse along with infidelity with no regard for the offended parry nor any remorse. I think for any sort of reconciliation or repairing of marriage requires absolutely humbling oneself and tremendous effort from the person who has hurt the other. We can try all we want to forgive and forget but in the end we cannot do the work for others and it falls on them to fix themselves. There is only so much one can give up of themselves to placate to someone who makes poor conscious choices and willingly damages their partner. Broken people should not be given endless slack or opportunities to do the right thing. If arrogance and entitlement persists in such a person you cannot destroy your own identity to afford a person unwilling to see the error in their ways. Our marriage vows and the promises we make in life is a giant part of our character and personality and if we allow people to walk over our values and show contempt in the process we aren't meant to tolerate this behaviour.
God teaches us to forgive but he does not force us to do so in a situation where the sinning parry does not change their ways, we are to leave it up to God at this point to forgive There's a proverb that says do not cast pearls on swine and nothing is more apt than this. We can find ways to not hold grudges and expend unnecessary energy to do this on our own. Sometimes it truly is best to move on and find your own purpose.
So glad you made it to family and a place to just be.
I know it helped me tremendously to take my kids and visit family for two weeks last year. AWAY from W and 24/7 around family holding me tight.
Unbroken Bonds as they were supposed to be.
I think....I think....forgiveness will be about you and who you want to be. It is not casting it before her as a pearl for she might never know if you do. Why would you say anything? Just do. It doesn't mean treating her as if she has done no wrong. Or trusting where you should not. Perhaps forgive, let go, AND leave her to God.
g
H:54 W:50 D19, D17, S12 ILYBINILWY 3/23 DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23 DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-5 & W moves out 8/23 – 3/24 Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
So just an update. It's now July 15th, I'm settling in nicely, getting used to way of life here and how things work. Today I have a scheduled meeting for my employment, there were some delays as initial meeting was postponed as I had to take father to emergency to eventually go through surgery. He's recovering nicely and should be leaving hospital soon. In terms of separation I'm getting a little frustrated with the whole process as it's putting a wrench into my financial situation as money from sale of house is being held in trust. We went through the whole mediation process, I agreed to something that was more favorable towards her than it was to me although for most part it was fair and I wanted the easiest path to agreement. I asked for an ammendment so my name would be removed from car loan, that was agreed upon, mediator drafted a preliminary agreement, I received it and signed it with my lawyer on the 2nd of July, the same day a copy was sent to mediator and her. It's now 13 days later and I've yet to receive a signed copy on her part with independent legal counsel. My lawyer has already asked me twice if I've received signed copy and has already stated alternative approach if I don't receive anything signed. I don't understand why it's not getting done, I actually think she's doing this purposely to control me being able to move on, even though throughout last year and half "were separated" got thrown at me time and time again as an excuse to screw other people. She's still with OM 4 so she's basically trying to have her cake and eat it too, keeping me as a backup part of roster in case things dont go her way.
There is no way she does not have some sort of cluster B personality as one of the things she said 2 months ago was she didnt want communication unless it was to deal with house or separation. So shes trying to manipulate me in some sort of way or keep me as an object or possession, or using her resentment to keep me from moving on with my life
If I don't receive her signed copy i think i will have to request for a court to enforce the terms of the agreement as she is now no longer negotiating in good faith and agreement was more than reasonable.
Im not letting any of these things phase me or block me from doing what i need to do here but i feel like any energy used to deal with this is completely unneccessary
That being said I am glad i made the decision to move here as it's conducive to the best possible environment for proper healing, i dont have any triggers here, I'm surrounded by family and a new place to explore and enjoy. The people here are friendly and welcoming and brutally honest and sincere which is how i am so that's a bonus. Its nice to be in a place where life comes first and money/career second. Food is healthier and theres abundance, heck i can pick any fruit i want at any time. Cost of living is way lower and leisure time is much more enjoyable.
So just an update. I've been living in Europe now for almost 4 weeks, I have been dealing with father's health issue and my personality type is I like to do things for others. So I have been going to regular hospital visits to my father's room. That has kept me somewhat busy, the rest of the time I try to enjoy some alone time, driving around, seeing things, eating alone, going to pool on hot days, doing a little bit of gardening, etc. I have begun taking some joy finally doing things by myself and absorbing the new environment, taking joy in small things like architecture, good food, natural features around country. It has given me a sense of appreciation for simplicity in life and given me an almost live every day as if it's my last mentality. Sometimes we ignore so many things around us and we forget how lucky we are to be here. I will randomly strike up conversations with strangers. Say hello or good morning to people I don't know in town, talk more to cousins and family. Enjoy religious festivals and decorations, take in some concerts, watch a couple of sunsets in very scenic places. I have been doing all of this while dealing with family health issues, have an uncle who just had a heart attack as well, and all while I have now approached almost a month after signing or finalizing separation agreement we had drafted up through mediator and agreed on It seems she is trying somehow to bleed me out financially on purpose, and is now seemingly delaying the process in a malicious manner. I am burning through money a lot quicker than necessary as i have had to extend my rental car now 3 times - cant do much where i am without car. My debts are still needing to be paid, all while the money and its a lot sits in trust at the real estate lawyers account My lawyer has now contacted me 4 times and ask me why its taking so long and has already suggested further steps should she not sign the agreement which is already heavily in her favour. All while she clearly continues with om4 Im not letting this get to me emotionally as i have enough to keep me busy and to enjoy but it is a financial drain and ive had to delay my new job here as i need a vehicle for it and ptoceeds of house and separation are tied up. I do not understand at this moment how ridiculous this is becoming. I almost feel like shes trying to have me go back somehow or have me available when her new relationship goes south which it most likely will.
All this being said, the atmosphere here and way of life suits me to a tee, i have found myself smiling a lot more often, enjoying things i previously didnt, making the best of every minute of every day, being grateful for family while i have them around. I joined a dating site when i got here to see what was out there, didnt have much expectations to be honest and was perfectly fine if i didnt meet anyone. I did however get a match, i found someone and have been talking to them for a bit now, she seems very balanced and has a lot of qualities i find important, being alone and seeing my ex taught me a lot of lessons about red flags and qualities i wont tolerate. I am not forcing the relationship and im letting it come as it does, slow and steady, getting to know the person, what their likes are how they see the world, what they want in a partner. I do feel ready to open up to someone new but im not depending on it to go anywhere despite everything being positive until now. If it doesnt go any further im perfectly fine continuing my routine and enjoying my alone time. I feel that for her to be compatible with me she has to compliment my life and not take away from who i am and the values that matter to me, I also do not want to have to change the person to suit me. She seems to tick all the boxes so im willing to give it a shot.
Im glad there hasnt yet been talk of intimacy or even questions asked about my past and if there was I'd be as short and diplomatic as possible. I really dont want that toxicity to leak into this connection She is also here from abroad trying to make a new life for herself and also left evetything behind and is trying to make new friends and wants a man with a good heart that is honest and comoliments her life. I know it probably might be early to enter into a new relatoonship but i do feel ready to let someone in, but only if they are the right person for me and only if it adds to my life. Its amazing how much a new country, being close to family, starting a new life elsewhere can do to the healing process and create an environment conducive to moving forward and rediscovering who you are and what you truly want and not settling for anything less than you deserve
Glad to hear life is going well. It is unfortunate a wrench has been thrown into the finical stuff. Hopefully W will get her side of things accomplished and not drag it out too long.
Have a wonderful Sunday.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
The delay in settling finances must be very annoying. But you will rise above it!
Mine agreed to everything in mediation, and then her and her lawyer spent four weeks between then and orders becoming final attempting to gold dig for more possessions. Stuff like “If you don’t agree to add in the clothes drier to the mediated agreement, we are going to refuse to sign the orders”.
Was it about the clothes drier? Of course not. It was about control! Because it was all mediated and agreed, she had lost her control over me and the situation and it was eating her alive. I think she figured if I’d agreed at mediation then I must have been happy with the deal. And the thought of me being happy and her not being able to manipulate me drove her bananas.
It will get sorted in time. Very frustrating, but in five years probably you’ll have completely forgotten about it.
Glad you’re taking the time to smell the roses and enjoy life. You only get one chance at life, and it’s pretty short - best to be making the most of it.
Are you staying fit? Have you joined a club? Do you have hobbies you can restart? What about getting a motorbike? A mountain bike? Joining a gym.
Thanks for your kind words. Yeah im trying to do some things to work on myself here but with all the debt servicing piling up and no settlement signed i cannot spend as I'd like so that's putting a wrench in the works but otherwise i find some low cost activities and things to do to keep my mind busy. Have a tiny fruit orchard going here already since the climate allows for it
Hi Catman19! Just stopping in to say hello after catching up on your July. Happy to see you're enjoying Europe as the next chapter. I've considered moving to Europe - motherland but likely won't as my (adult) children are here and I'm not ready to go so far from them. Enjoy the roosters and slower life Europe has to offer. And the food is so much better too. Happy for you!
H:49 W:49 M:26; T:32 D21; S23 BD1: Feb 2023 (I think it was a BD) BD2: Sept 2023 Moved out: Dec 2023
So just an update on my situation On the stbxw front, I am still awaiting on a signature of hers to finalize the legal separation, it is now August 14th and I've yet to receive a signed copy of the agreement with the mediated and agreed upon terms from our negotiations. As I have said I have signed my agreement through my lawyer on July the 2nd and I've had multiple emails sent from my lawyer asking if there's a signed copy received on my end. Since there hasn't been my lawyer has sent already 3 emails to stbxw telling her the ramifications of not signing and potential court costs if I choose to proceed in having her served. I do not want to go through with this process as it seems like an unnecessary waste of funds to come to an agreement on something we have already drafted with more than favorable terms for her. To me it feels like this could be one of two things. She's having buyers remorse now realizing things are real and I'm actually gone, or b) she is completely comfortable with the situation as is, which she said to me the last time we spoke "don't worry the money is in a safe place"
On the personal and career front, I have started a career here as a real estate agent, I'm now 2 weeks into and am quite enjoying it, I was in the profession back in north america. Learning the rules and legalities here is a bit of a learning curve and adapting to the internal crm system has taken some studying, but the challenge and work required have given me a nice sense of routine and balance in my life here.
I still make time for myself as lunch here tends to be 2 hours so I still enjoy that alone when I can, I make time for enjoying festivals with family and friends. A good sense of balance I believe I have achieved.
On another front I have met someone here and we seemed to have hit it off both online and then meeting in person, I am taking things slow as is she. I'm trying to gage compatibility and finding traits in her that I look for in a woman and if she is on the same page as me in terms of what she looks for in a partner and what kind of life she desires. I've learned a lot of lessons from the whole situation with stbxw. I feel learning to be by myself has given me a satisfying life and helped me be the best version of myself, in the encounters I have had with the new woman I have felt confident and myself all while not feeling or portraying the need of having someone in my life. I continue to do my regular trips to a place of meaning for me- a mountain to with a chapel near my parents home, where my father used to give me motorcycle rides to, I now go there regularly to pray and enjoy the views and occasionally the sunsets over the mountains. I consider this a type of sanctuary for me, I never pray for anything more than strength And even pray for others well being, and ask for the courage and wisdom to stay humble and centered on what's important for me
Thanks for the update, Catman. The location atop the mountain where you pray sounds wondrous. I wish you could an upload an image for us to see. Unfortunately, your STBXW seems to be dragging her feet. The "administrative" part of a breakup also seems to become a bother for the non-LBS. Maybe it is infringing on their time to be "living their best life" or perhaps it is a dash of uncertainty about the loss. Doesn't matter. Keep yourself moving forward. You took a huge step. Keep up the momentum. Good luck with the real estate business. I hope the market is easing up for sellers where you are. All the best, P.
Thanks for the kind words, yes the spot atop the mountain is beautiful and I make sure to make time for a visit, I typically do it before sunset and I make sure to walk uphill and not drive as for me it's a small form of effort. Faith is important to me and I have prayed there every time with intent, never asking for outcomes or things, but for humility, strength and perseverance. I have done my best to live without anxiety over things and to accept whatever happens without questioning it. Conversely every time I pray i feel im giving devotion and the walk down the mountain is almost a form of relief and clarity for me, on many occasions almost imediately i have received subtle signs that my faith and prayers have been listened to. Like phone calls for work where deals move forward or good things on the dating side. This to me has become a standard routine and when i feel intrusive thoughts or begin to think negative thoughts i stop what im doing and make the trek.
On the stbxw side, i have instructed my lawyer to go the court route. There are marriages worth salvaging but this one isnt one, after all the soul searching i realize the quality of life i would have with someone who so easily, willingly and arrogantly defiled everything that was good, demeaned, belittled, destroyed my character and self esteem and is a completely broken person. There are two sayings in the bible that have weighed on me, do not cast pearls before swine and a man is better alone than with a quarrelsome wife. So my lawyer has informed me that theres a possibility that if a court date has to be set then i have to appear in person, although i did not like this, i have accepted it and will deal with it when the time comes. I have purposely not allowed any of this to affect me. I sold my wedding ring a couple of days ago and i really felt nothing not a sense of loss, not even a sense of relief, just nothing. I'm glad I did it and I think my heart and mind are ready for anything now. What has to happen i will accept. I have done my best to stay humble and not feed into pride and it has helped me in my career and in my day to day life.
While I understand the idea of divorce busting, I belive one has to question deeply what it is that you want for your life. It gets to a certain point it's not worth giving up who you are for someone that only values the person in front of the mirror.
On a side note: I'm considering getting a tattoo, not as an erratic decision but to remind myself of what I have been through and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. My initial choice might be a phoenix rising from the ashes a sort of rebirth and beginning of new life with the flame of life
Any other interesting ideas for a tattoo in the same vein would be welcome here as well
On the stbxw side, i have instructed my lawyer to go the court route. There are marriages worth salvaging but this one isnt one, after all the soul searching i realize the quality of life i would have with someone who so easily, willingly and arrogantly defiled everything that was good, demeaned, belittled, destroyed my character and self esteem and is a completely broken person.
There is nothing wrong with this decision, you need to have a boundary for yourself and it sounds like you have put one in place. DB is about healing yourself and making yourself into the best person that you can be.
So today i had the X served with papers, she was asked by lawyer (as i was given a copy) whether she wanted to be served personally or a legal representative. She was also informed that if she chooses to go to court that she will have to pay the court costs. I feel i have been left no choice but to take this process as i didnt want to have to spend this much money when we had drafted an agreement but i did not want to sit in financial and emotional limbo. Communicating with lawyer has added a little bit of stress on the days it happens, as i feel im reliving things i do not want to. I get less bad dreams, most of them are me chasing her and then her still talking to others and me feeling hurt. It is the only part of my recovery i cannot control, the subconscious part of our brain is the last hold out in the healing and moving forward process. I am hoping that a court date does not get set because if it happens it will force me to fly back for an appearance and i really do not want to blunt my progress, and now with work i have some fiduciary responsibilities. Work is going great, im starting to feel more comfortable and i have exceeded any goals that I have set for myself. Whenever i feel down or even when things are going well for me, i find myself going to my spot of refuge and praying with intent, mostly praying for strength and being thankful for the things in my life that i have and are going well. This has done wonders for my psyche and i make it a habit of waiting and sitting on chapel steps and watching the sunset and taking in the fresh air (full of eucalyptus trees) and listening to the sound of the wind at the mountain top. I have begun taking artistic pictures of beautiful things i see in nature and practicing my photography skills in the progress.
While all of this is going on i am starting to get closer to the woman i am seeing and i feel a real connection with her everything feels and seems so easy around her and we share so much common ground that everything seems natural between us. While i know this is not the solution for my healing, it has created some fond new memories and restored some of my faith that there are women out there that share the same values as me. We are taking it slow and i feel that is the right way to do this, i am opening up as is she slowly and there has been absolutely zero conversation about our exes, and thats what i wanted. I did not want a connection forged on negative energy and feelings but rather one built on shared values and priorities. I did not plan to meet someone this soon, nor did i go out of my way for it to happen, i told myself that i would be open to it happenning but not lose focus on my own personal goals and alter my routine. It almost feels like she was the right person to enter my life at the right time. I am not getting overconfident nor am i refocusing my emotional energy on this woman but i am enjoying the moments and living in them when they happen. I truly feel i am ready to explore this further. I have made a conscious effort for a year and a half not to seek out anyone but work on my own well being and figuring out what i wanted in my life and what i want in a partner, i do not want to settle for someone who is broken and needs a saviour but someone who sees the world the same way as i do.
Thank you for listening, remember guys there is life after betrayal and hurt, do not rush it, do not force it, let what may come happen, have faith and stay humble and true to your values and beliefs. These are what you carry with you for life and what build and solidify your identity, never compromise who you are for anyone, you are only hurting yourself. Unfortunately we cannot fix others nor should we destroy ourselves in a futile attempt. We have to be at peace with who we are to succeed in anything that we do in our lives.
Just checking in here. Hope everyone is finding peace in their situations and working on themselves. Ive read a few of your stories, havent had a chance to reply. But just a word of advice. Treat your wayward spouses as strangers, the relationship you had together is dead, the trust and committment is gone. If you decide to rebuild anything, it has to be completely from scratch. Just remember they are treating you as nothing more than an acquaintance and you should act accordingly, do not give them the benefit of the doubt, do not do things in an amicable way if they are not doing the same, they do not respect you in any way, the respect has to be earned. Also in any separation or divorce proceeding as DnJ has said, treat it strictly as business, as you are living in a logical reality and they are living in an emotionally driven one. If they want to come back to you and you are willing to entertain the thought, THEY have to earn your trust, THEY have to earn your forgiveness. It is not on you to fix something that you did not break. And if you are on the fence of whether you want to take them back and build something new, think long and hard if you are emotionally strong enough and willing to sacrifice to allow them back into your life. You are a good person and stay true to your morals and values, do not compromise those for anyone. It is your life and your life alone for you to decide what you want. Good luck to everyone
I am glad you are finding peace, and sharing your hard-eared wisdom. Yes, discovering and remaining true to one’s self, one’s morals and values, is such a worthy path.
Originally Posted by Catman19
THEY have to earn your trust, THEY have to earn your forgiveness.
Interestingly, we/LBS have to (re)learn/(re)discover how to trust and forgive after betrayal. And yes, trust is an earned thing.
The first, trust, starts with trusting ourselves. It takes a purposeful conscious effort to keep one’s heart soft and squishy and not allow it to harden towards others, life, and self. It’s a willingness to trust again, to believe again.
That willingness leads into forgiveness as well. A willingness to forgive, it’s not an effect from some cause, it’s not something earned. In fact, there is nothing they could do to earn your forgiveness. Forgiveness must be given, not earned.
Forgiveness is for you. It frees you. Frees you from holding grudges, a need for retribution, or retaliation. It writes “paid in full” on whatever invoice your heart is holding. Believe me, one’s heart needs to be squishy to accomplish such.
This is not some free pass either. One still holds them accountable for their actions. Along with holding oneself accountable.
Being trustworthy, or untrustworthy is more easily seen from actions. It’s more straightforward. Accountability for their actions and behaviours. They can be held as untrustworthy and yet still be forgiven.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Realize what you are forgiving. The sin, the deed, the transgression; not the person. Trying to forgive the person, places one upon a false moral high ground from where we decide and dispense forgiveness. We are ill-equipped. No man can see all ends. No man can judge a soul worthy or not. Only God can forgive the soul. We mere mortals forgive the deed.
You love the person, and forgive their actions. This has nothing to do with if they deserve forgiveness, or not; if they’ve earned it, or not. It has everything to do with you. Those deeply held values and convictions.
Forgiveness frees you. Heck, they might not even know you forgive them (their deed). Often they don’t know. It’s not like you have to tell them. Forgiveness is for you.
I think you are doing very well my friend.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I couldnt have said it any better. I have forgiven her in my prayers and have asked God to help her see the right path, as Jesus said to his father on his crucifixion, "forgive them for their sins for they know not what they do". I feel i no longer require closure, my form of closure is the formality of the signatures on the legal separation snd then divorce. One cannot undo the past wrongs. I have decided that it was not meant to be nor could it be again or anymore, i searched long and hard in my soul and realized I could not place a square peg into a round hole. The journey of self discovery and finding ones self again is a difficult and arduous path, but deep down inside you know when you have achieved this, it brings you a sense of comfort and mostly a sense of liberation, a form of escaping the mental prison one has been placed in by no fault of their own.
Another word of advice for everyone on these boards : do not seek self discovery by adding someone to your life, add someone to your life only when and if you truly feel ready and open to be yourself and give another person an oppurtunity to see the person you are happy with when you look into the mirror Only then will you truly be ready and open to start a new chapter in your life, doing this early will only self sabotage your efforts and set you back. Only when you are healed or accepting of your destiny and situation can you then offer the best of yourself, never offer someone a broken and unhealed soul because you wouldnt want anything but the absolute best you to be seen in someone elses eyes. Do not rush the healing process and do not get into a relationship until you are truly and fully ready. You will know when you are and you will feel it then.
Another word of advice for everyone on these boards: do not seek self-discovery by adding someone to your life, add someone to your life only when and if you truly feel ready and open to be yourself and give another person an opportunity to see the person you are happy with when you look into the mirror. Only then will you truly be ready and open to start a new chapter in your life, doing this early will only self-sabotage your efforts and set you back. Only when you are healed or accepting of your destiny and situation can you offer the best of yourself, never offer someone a broken and unhealed soul because you wouldn't want anything but the absolute best you to be seen in someone else's eyes. Do not rush the healing process and do not get into a relationship until you are truly and fully ready. You will know when you are and you will feel it then.
Well put, C. "Self" discovery is about becoming the best you possible. Someone else may complement that best self, but ideally isn't required to be the best you. I continue to wish the best for you and hope the path to healing remains rewarding. Best, P
So the process of divorce is still dragging on for me, ive gone through the court process now which takes time and has cost me a ton of money. Still sitting on a quarter million in the bank from proceeds of home sale, shes still refusing to sign our mediated agreement which is the simplest and cheapest way for both of us to move forward. I have a strong feeling she will contest the divorce to keep me from moving on and forcing me to return overseas to appear in court, mind you i conceeded pension adjustment for difference, conceeded on not receiving spousal support, gave her the car in separation at a discount. Its been 3 months and i still feel like im in a sort of limbo or a metaphorical prison not allowing me to fully move on. The relationship im in here has become a bit more serious and i wanted to offer my new partner a baggage free me, and a clean slate to build on. I feel like i am shortchsnging her because im still legally married in both countries. I do not bring up the subject because i do not want to insert that into the equation and bring negativity to it. Im still burning through excessive amounts of money merely maintaining my marriage based debts and payments, which would be completely paid off when separation is signed. It almost feels like im fighting a battle on two fronts, one a battle of building and fighting to put roots down and create a new life, and another battle, simultaneously fighting to break free from the shackles that are impeding my growth both personally and professionaly. I have absolutely no idea why stbxw is delaying/blocking separation, someone brought to my attention how her new partner has him and her as their instagram and facebook profile togethef, yet she seems to purposely want to not see me happy or see me move on. I feel like im her personal possession and if she cant be happy she doesnt want me to be happy as well. I have not posted any pictures of my new partner, i do not want to antagonize stbxw into contesting in court and i also dont want to ruin a good thing.
I have had a little bit of success in my new career as i have made my first business deal and will be getting some decent cash flow soon. But between legal costs, car rental, debt payments i feel a financial noose around my neck and an emotional one as well that i need to get rid of to finally be free and clear. It is coming up on almost 2 years now from d day and i feel i do not want to waste any more emotional energy on dealing with this. Im very convinced now the stbxw is a narcissist, treating me like a possession that cannot be let go of while she lives whatever life she decides.
Just just checking back in here, ive read everyone else's posts but havent had an oppurtunity to reply. I have kept myself as busy as possible here and establishing my new life as best as i can, starting to adapt to the way of life and building connections in the meantime. Today is a difficult day for me mentally, my court divorce petition was finally registered on friday. Its surreal seeing the case filen- me vs her. Never did i imagine when I said my marriage vows that it would ever be me vs her, i always saw it as us vs the world, together as one. I feel i have had no choice but to take this step. Today she will be served with the court documents and be given 30 days to reply to my petition, so no more delaying or playing games with the process. I still feel a heavy burden on my heart as this signals to me half of my life completing disappearing, a failure and the nearing of the end of a large part of my life. I still get the occasional moments where i find myself leaving the home and going to a quiet place to cry and let out frustration. So for anyone reading this, it is an ongoing process and you will sometimes fall back into the old thoughts but through perseverence, it does get better. Baby steps of sorts.
On the dating front ive been seeing someone for almost 3 months and have enjoyed and cherished the experience and forced myself to live in the moment and enjoy creating new memories. Although this has been a good experience i do not see it going for much longer. I entered into it with low expectations and not forced it to go in any direction, the 1 and a half years of being alone has tought me how to put my best foot forward but also to be careful and look for characteristics and values that match what I want. This has allowed me to be ready for the right woman but also not to settle for any less than what i believe i deserve, and it has become clear that the new relationship is becoming a way out of a difficult situation for her and not a true and authentic connection. And for that I am backing off and not rushing to get into anything again in the meantime. Being alone helped me realize my worth and value and taught me valuable experience in how to present myself to someone new and offer them something without giving up who I am. Sometimes theres a right person for you in your life at the right time, and i think the experience has helped me shape what and who i want in my life in a healthy way. This hasnt affected me not even a fraction of what the process with stbxw has but ive been able to handle my emotions much better and havent projected my inner thoughts into this process now.
All being said, everyone going through this right now, stay strong and work on yourself as best you can, whether you are attempting to fix something broken or deciding to move on. Be kind and generous to yourself and dont let others dictate the healing process for you. This is a journey set on your terms and following your timeline and you have to love yourself first before ever considering offering that sacred blessing of your heart to someone new
So just another update here, there were delays in having the stbxw served and she finally got served a week ago to her lawyer, something that she should have done many months ago, getting a lawyer. It seems her intent is one of vindictiveness and I sense she's getting coached by someone who was an ex of one of my friends. It is somewhat a combative type of approach, which baffles me considering everything shes done in the last 2 years and me negotiating everything in good faith. She now has until November 28th to reply to my court petition and file full financial disclosure. I requested all my entitlements on the court documents but left separation agreement that I had signed on the table. I have a strong feeling she is going to take the vindictive route and fight me in court, at which point I'll be forced to fly back and appear. I do not understand this approach as it's not only not beneficial to either of us but also going to get expensive. And we do not have any kids so none of this is necessary.
I truly think I am dealing with someone with some sort of personality disorder as this is being dragged on in a coercive, vindictive manner. Even the vehicle which has car loan financing on it under both our names, I received a notice 3 weeks ago saying there's been 4 missed payments, and banks can repossess after 3 missed payments. The car is still on the balance sheet as an asset under my name as was my car. I emailed here asking her to deal with it, she replied saying she's taken care of it. Now yesterday I receive another message saying 5 payments have been missed.
I seriously have a feeling she is doing this purposely out of anger and spite, for me leaving, as in how dare he leave my life, I'm going to punish him now. This is not normal human behavior when you are the one that steps out of the marriage. At least I have set timelines now and I can stop the financial bleeding it's costing me 3-4k a month on car rental and debt upkeep, not to mention 6k legal costs already incurred. I just need any agreement to be settled on so I can move on, pay off all my debts and detach legally and financially from her.
Otherwise on the personal front a relationship I had here for 3 months ended but I decided it was best for me as I did not see honest intentions. Met a new person and am taking it slowly, I've learned a lot being alone and know now not to settle for anything less than I deserve and the experience of dating again has given me an opportunity to get comfortable with the experience, and has allowed me to be comfortable being my best self around new women. Hopefully I have an end to this all soon and I can fully and 100% move on, with no more anchors holding me down and a purely clean slate in a life that I have full control over which direction it goes.
Sorry XW has decided to drag this out. Unfortunately, her behaviour is not all that uncommon.
It is very difficult to figure out their intent with such actions. Actions which are not even in their own best interests. Cost grow and grow, time drags more and more, to get what is already settled upon.
Yes, often there is someone coaching and directing from the shadows. Feeding into the punishment narrative. These “helpful” others getting that pound of flesh that they feel they missed out on during their’s. Ha, with friends like that you don’t need enemies.
Hopefully, XW finds a reasonable lawyer. Not a recommendation from these friends. There are all kinds of shysters out there who can see her coming a mile away. And will happily rack up billable hours for a pretty straightforward agreement. Like I said, hoping for reasonable.
Hang in there man. You’ve done your part. Things are signed and served. Let your lawyer deal with this.
Have a great day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
So just last night i receive an email from my lawyer. Turns out stbxw lawyer has made revisions to the separation sgreement where i conceded my entitlements. This was my worst fear, having a lawyer who just wants to create more work and go the combative route. Its becoming quite absurd at this point. So now it seems i will either have to accept more concessions, which is already turning this into a lopsided arrangement in her favour or i decide to fight her in court and go after everything im entitled to. I thought she had a narcissistic personality disorder but now i also think she is being psychopathic. Still dont understand how she can be on om number 4 or 5 and still try to hold and maintain control over me and take the most vindictive path possible. Like i mean she filled up 2 storage units with our belongings that i allowed her to keep, 2 cars, no spousal support requested and no pension valuation adjustment and somehow this mutually agreed upon arrangement now has to be revisited somehow
So turns out the revisions to separation agreement were basically a make work project for her lawyer, a rewording of the agreement we had. So the agreement is now signed, both by me and by her.
I thought I would be happy but a flood of emotions and grief hit me hard. Realizing something I built with someone for 22 years is now over, memories and moments and flashbacks of everything we had together entering my consciousness. I never thought it would hurt this much, words are hard to describe what it feels like. 2 years of riding a roller-coaster, ups and downs and feelings of hope mixed with feelings of despair, hoping the apologies were real only to realize her behavior hadn't changed. Realizing I loved this woman more than life itself and now seeing it burnt to ashes, ashes scattered with the wind, never to be put back together, a realization of what could have been and now can no longer be. Questioning my life choices and decisions and wondering why the one woman I devoted myself to for the rest of my life, through my thoughts, my words and my actions, now knowing that I was nothing more than not even a 4th or 5th option, just an acquaintance. Life must carry on but until then this is a bitter pill to swallow, but one I must ingest for my own well being
Hi Catman. Sorry to hear things dragged along. I hope you're doing as well as reasonably possible these last few days since you posted. I can't imagine the hurt, doubt, regret and other completely reasonable thoughts and feelings you're experiencing. It is, unfortunately, something one has to endure and I hope you're better equipped to do it by leveraging what you're learned here to take at least some small edge off the experience. I hope to see an update soon and please let us know if we might be able to specifically respond to anything else that might be popping into your thoughts.
, express how much they loved those moments/times.