So today is the 26th, my flight leaves on the 30th, we decided today was the final day we sweep,clean the home and she is to hand in the keys to me to give to new owners who take possession on the 28th. I have had a harder time than usual in the last couple of days as i see the home we built almost completely void and empty of any human character, much like it was when we moved in after picking out the home together. Today we meet with lawyers for signing all of the closing documents and finalizing the legalities of the sale. Tomorrow is also the day I get legal advice on separation agreement from my lawyer which is a mere formality.
It hit me hard last night, today is going to be the day I say the word "goodbye" the first time I will be saying it knowing that there is finality in these words and likely the last time I will see the woman that I've spent all of my adult life with. It definitely made the night more difficult, but it's something I know I have to do, although my heart still carries so much love for this woman, I know it's what I have to do. For too long I've let my heart dictate my actions and it has gotten me into more trouble, because of this I have delegated all my decision making to my gut instinct and logical brain. Just a mere week ago she had an outburst saying I'm not afraid of you. A reminder to me as explained in Shirley glass book just friends, that when they leave the marriage and open up to others they live in a castle and build walls to their husband and open the doors and windows to others to enter. I'm still in her eyes seen as all bad and the enemy so I know I must soldier on and do what's best to protect me and move forward with my life.
As the days approach it becomes so surreal, each day a struggle in itself knowing that so many things are coalescing into a final end to the book that has been my life, almost 4 decades growing up and building my life here, 1.5 decades building up this home, a job I've sp3nt almost 2 decades in being put on pause for 5 years, a relationship built over 22 years, all of this ending at the same time. I knew this would be a hard endeavor before I made all of the decisions to execute this plan, but I knew this was the best path for me. Bittersweet as a word does not begin to describe this. Time to start a new book, maybe label it part 2, much like the mythological Phoenix, from the ashes it rises and rebirth follows, or the bald eagle that at age 40 realizing it's beak is becoming dull, feathers heavy and ruffled, talons dulled, it escapes to the mountains in solitude, cracks it's beak until it breaks off and regrow, then plucks it's talons and feathers for new and sharper versions to grow. It is a conscious choice by the eagle as it's at a crossroads, does it give up to mother nature or it has a choice to fight through it and come out stronger and a new version of itself. It chooses the latter even though it's the harder option and it thrives once the process is complete. I can't think of a more perfect metaphor
Yes there is a finality in all this. And it does hit hard. As this chapter ends, a new one begins. Still, the “ending” of this previous one will, and must, be felt and processed first.
I do empathize. It feels much like the end of your book or story, and you are, or even must, start a new book. Have faith, and maybe a wee belief in one who has gone before, it is only a new chapter. Your book is still valid. Your life, your past, your experiences, knowledge, wisdom, etc, accumulates. In time, one heals and grows. These times and experiences add to one’s foundation, to one’s immutable past.
Rising from the ashes, or the eagle allegory of the need to shed one’s past to move forward (although factually untrue according to snopes), can be painful and difficult. Growth is difficult; one moving beyond their comfort zone and paradigm. Shaking off the ashes reveals a wiser bird, one having retaining its life lessons. A new chapter.
I am glad the house, car, belongings, and such found a calm resolution. The clean and sparse house would certainly bring some feelings of bittersweet and melancholy. (((Hugs))) It will subside.
The next while will be a mix of loss and looking towards the new. I do recall that juxtaposition during my path. Some advice: Live in the present moment. The future will unveil itself in time, and the past will offer its lessons. Remain grounded and centered and you will/can embrace both the opportunities and wisdom afforded, hard-earned, by your life’s story.
Have a great day Catman!
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
So yesterday I handed in home keys and it felt so surreal, leaving I hope I put so much mental and physical energy into. By the same token a sense of relief came through, finally getting out of something I was feeling trapped in for a long period brought me some comfort. I realized what the home was doing to me and that it wasn't detrimental to my health being there and having to constantly pester the stbxw to do her part and meet her responsibilities. Also based on her previous choice of words it felt like it was almost a bird cage of sorts, she had been perfectly fine me being in the home and her continuing her immoral lifestyle while keeping me caged up and there to play with when things didn't go the way she wanted. Being a bird let out of a cage is the sense I get now. My next door neighbour's home is where I'm staying and having some company at night is a welcome change rather than the empty soulless, lifeless shell my home had become. Today with the planning of a work colleague who is set to retire this year I will be getting together with a bunch of people from work whom I've spoken to on a regular basis so it will be nice to see everyone before I leave tomorrow. I decided to upgrade my ticket to first class as a way to treat myself and begin my new journey with some comfort and to go head first into new life with a better attitude and positive experience. It is nice to finally feel and see some hope on the horizon. I will not have to see her before I go so there's a silver lining in this. I will be dropping off the car tomorrow at her parents home and I sense some emotions will be there as they were always kind to me and I value people in my life who treat me well and they always welcomed me into their home and family and treated me as if I was a part of theirs.
The separation is not yet complete as I had to make an ammendment to ensure I'm removed from liability of her car and then lawyer will witness me signing the agreement and then it's left in her hands. I worry that she may not sign as she has yet to get a lawyer and might delay to keep some sort of control over me moving forward, but I will have to adjust accordingly
As per usual DnJ offers sound advice. While a new chapter may not be what you expected or even asked for, see it as a blessing with endless opportunities, choices. A new beginning, fresh start; a reunion with family. I must say that I'm happy and excited for you.
Safe travels, Catman and I wish you lots of happiness and successes in the motherland.
H:49 W:49 M:26; T:32 D21; S23 BD1: Feb 2023 (I think it was a BD) BD2: Sept 2023 Moved out: Dec 2023
Good evening, Catman. This is a great deal of change happening at one time. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and steadily moving ahead. You have the opportunity to build a wonderful life for yourself. I encourage you to think hard about what the values most important to you and use them as a filter going forward to decide how consistently you're living life consistent with your values. Time to set new goals. Work on being the "prize" for anyone you may choose to have a relationship with in the future. Grieve the loss of this relationship. Learn from whatever your contributions may have been to what got you to this point as well as how to be careful for the type of person who may approach you first to start a future relationship. We can often fall for the same kind of person or they seek us out because they find the same things attractive that your STBXW did. Keep posting. Safe travels and I look forward to hearing how you're settling in. Nice job upgrading to 1st class too. Enjoy!
Just an update. So im settling in in my new environment. Good to finally be around some family and in a completely new environment. While it's only day 2, a sense of relief has set in, I no longer feel trapped and tied down to a place which provided me no satisfaction. Spent the first night watching our country playing in the euro tournament and almost fell asleep after 2 days with no sleep but it was worth spending the time with my cousins. Again one thing that struck me was being at a cafe patio and seeing families with small children and babies enjoying the event and feeling a sense of family and different way of life. Something I'd rarely see if at all in the place I left. Did a few rounds saying hello to my family, now getting into routine of sitting outside and having my cup of coffee and listening to birds and roosters crowing early in the morning. It is a complete 360 from what I left as it's a very rural and remote location and the nearest town only has 40k residents. Moving froma. City of 5million to this is a definite culture change but I've always appreciated peace and quiet and solitude but being surrounded by family is always nice.
Mentally it feels a lot easier to let go of the shackles of everything that held me down and most of the separation stuff is done, just waiting on an ammendment to separation agreement and then can finalize it, but the money from home sale is not a concern. I'm going to take my time to settle rather than jumping head first into new life. Treating it as a vacation at first. When I left I sent one message to her and it was a simple goodbye and nothing more. I didn't expect nor want a reply but I think it's better that way, I didn't want to expend anymore energy on it. These couple of days have given me an oppurtunity to self reflect and look back at my marriage and I realize that Noone should have to endure emotional, physical abuse along with infidelity with no regard for the offended parry nor any remorse. I think for any sort of reconciliation or repairing of marriage requires absolutely humbling oneself and tremendous effort from the person who has hurt the other. We can try all we want to forgive and forget but in the end we cannot do the work for others and it falls on them to fix themselves. There is only so much one can give up of themselves to placate to someone who makes poor conscious choices and willingly damages their partner. Broken people should not be given endless slack or opportunities to do the right thing. If arrogance and entitlement persists in such a person you cannot destroy your own identity to afford a person unwilling to see the error in their ways. Our marriage vows and the promises we make in life is a giant part of our character and personality and if we allow people to walk over our values and show contempt in the process we aren't meant to tolerate this behaviour.
God teaches us to forgive but he does not force us to do so in a situation where the sinning parry does not change their ways, we are to leave it up to God at this point to forgive There's a proverb that says do not cast pearls on swine and nothing is more apt than this. We can find ways to not hold grudges and expend unnecessary energy to do this on our own. Sometimes it truly is best to move on and find your own purpose.
So glad you made it to family and a place to just be.
I know it helped me tremendously to take my kids and visit family for two weeks last year. AWAY from W and 24/7 around family holding me tight.
Unbroken Bonds as they were supposed to be.
I think....I think....forgiveness will be about you and who you want to be. It is not casting it before her as a pearl for she might never know if you do. Why would you say anything? Just do. It doesn't mean treating her as if she has done no wrong. Or trusting where you should not. Perhaps forgive, let go, AND leave her to God.
g
H:54 W:50 D19, D17, S12 ILYBINILWY 3/23 DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23 DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-5 & W moves out 8/23 – 3/24 Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
So just an update. It's now July 15th, I'm settling in nicely, getting used to way of life here and how things work. Today I have a scheduled meeting for my employment, there were some delays as initial meeting was postponed as I had to take father to emergency to eventually go through surgery. He's recovering nicely and should be leaving hospital soon. In terms of separation I'm getting a little frustrated with the whole process as it's putting a wrench into my financial situation as money from sale of house is being held in trust. We went through the whole mediation process, I agreed to something that was more favorable towards her than it was to me although for most part it was fair and I wanted the easiest path to agreement. I asked for an ammendment so my name would be removed from car loan, that was agreed upon, mediator drafted a preliminary agreement, I received it and signed it with my lawyer on the 2nd of July, the same day a copy was sent to mediator and her. It's now 13 days later and I've yet to receive a signed copy on her part with independent legal counsel. My lawyer has already asked me twice if I've received signed copy and has already stated alternative approach if I don't receive anything signed. I don't understand why it's not getting done, I actually think she's doing this purposely to control me being able to move on, even though throughout last year and half "were separated" got thrown at me time and time again as an excuse to screw other people. She's still with OM 4 so she's basically trying to have her cake and eat it too, keeping me as a backup part of roster in case things dont go her way.
There is no way she does not have some sort of cluster B personality as one of the things she said 2 months ago was she didnt want communication unless it was to deal with house or separation. So shes trying to manipulate me in some sort of way or keep me as an object or possession, or using her resentment to keep me from moving on with my life
If I don't receive her signed copy i think i will have to request for a court to enforce the terms of the agreement as she is now no longer negotiating in good faith and agreement was more than reasonable.
Im not letting any of these things phase me or block me from doing what i need to do here but i feel like any energy used to deal with this is completely unneccessary
That being said I am glad i made the decision to move here as it's conducive to the best possible environment for proper healing, i dont have any triggers here, I'm surrounded by family and a new place to explore and enjoy. The people here are friendly and welcoming and brutally honest and sincere which is how i am so that's a bonus. Its nice to be in a place where life comes first and money/career second. Food is healthier and theres abundance, heck i can pick any fruit i want at any time. Cost of living is way lower and leisure time is much more enjoyable.
So just an update. I've been living in Europe now for almost 4 weeks, I have been dealing with father's health issue and my personality type is I like to do things for others. So I have been going to regular hospital visits to my father's room. That has kept me somewhat busy, the rest of the time I try to enjoy some alone time, driving around, seeing things, eating alone, going to pool on hot days, doing a little bit of gardening, etc. I have begun taking some joy finally doing things by myself and absorbing the new environment, taking joy in small things like architecture, good food, natural features around country. It has given me a sense of appreciation for simplicity in life and given me an almost live every day as if it's my last mentality. Sometimes we ignore so many things around us and we forget how lucky we are to be here. I will randomly strike up conversations with strangers. Say hello or good morning to people I don't know in town, talk more to cousins and family. Enjoy religious festivals and decorations, take in some concerts, watch a couple of sunsets in very scenic places. I have been doing all of this while dealing with family health issues, have an uncle who just had a heart attack as well, and all while I have now approached almost a month after signing or finalizing separation agreement we had drafted up through mediator and agreed on It seems she is trying somehow to bleed me out financially on purpose, and is now seemingly delaying the process in a malicious manner. I am burning through money a lot quicker than necessary as i have had to extend my rental car now 3 times - cant do much where i am without car. My debts are still needing to be paid, all while the money and its a lot sits in trust at the real estate lawyers account My lawyer has now contacted me 4 times and ask me why its taking so long and has already suggested further steps should she not sign the agreement which is already heavily in her favour. All while she clearly continues with om4 Im not letting this get to me emotionally as i have enough to keep me busy and to enjoy but it is a financial drain and ive had to delay my new job here as i need a vehicle for it and ptoceeds of house and separation are tied up. I do not understand at this moment how ridiculous this is becoming. I almost feel like shes trying to have me go back somehow or have me available when her new relationship goes south which it most likely will.
All this being said, the atmosphere here and way of life suits me to a tee, i have found myself smiling a lot more often, enjoying things i previously didnt, making the best of every minute of every day, being grateful for family while i have them around. I joined a dating site when i got here to see what was out there, didnt have much expectations to be honest and was perfectly fine if i didnt meet anyone. I did however get a match, i found someone and have been talking to them for a bit now, she seems very balanced and has a lot of qualities i find important, being alone and seeing my ex taught me a lot of lessons about red flags and qualities i wont tolerate. I am not forcing the relationship and im letting it come as it does, slow and steady, getting to know the person, what their likes are how they see the world, what they want in a partner. I do feel ready to open up to someone new but im not depending on it to go anywhere despite everything being positive until now. If it doesnt go any further im perfectly fine continuing my routine and enjoying my alone time. I feel that for her to be compatible with me she has to compliment my life and not take away from who i am and the values that matter to me, I also do not want to have to change the person to suit me. She seems to tick all the boxes so im willing to give it a shot.
Im glad there hasnt yet been talk of intimacy or even questions asked about my past and if there was I'd be as short and diplomatic as possible. I really dont want that toxicity to leak into this connection She is also here from abroad trying to make a new life for herself and also left evetything behind and is trying to make new friends and wants a man with a good heart that is honest and comoliments her life. I know it probably might be early to enter into a new relatoonship but i do feel ready to let someone in, but only if they are the right person for me and only if it adds to my life. Its amazing how much a new country, being close to family, starting a new life elsewhere can do to the healing process and create an environment conducive to moving forward and rediscovering who you are and what you truly want and not settling for anything less than you deserve
