Glad to hear life is going well. It is unfortunate a wrench has been thrown into the finical stuff. Hopefully W will get her side of things accomplished and not drag it out too long.
Have a wonderful Sunday.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
The delay in settling finances must be very annoying. But you will rise above it!
Mine agreed to everything in mediation, and then her and her lawyer spent four weeks between then and orders becoming final attempting to gold dig for more possessions. Stuff like “If you don’t agree to add in the clothes drier to the mediated agreement, we are going to refuse to sign the orders”.
Was it about the clothes drier? Of course not. It was about control! Because it was all mediated and agreed, she had lost her control over me and the situation and it was eating her alive. I think she figured if I’d agreed at mediation then I must have been happy with the deal. And the thought of me being happy and her not being able to manipulate me drove her bananas.
It will get sorted in time. Very frustrating, but in five years probably you’ll have completely forgotten about it.
Glad you’re taking the time to smell the roses and enjoy life. You only get one chance at life, and it’s pretty short - best to be making the most of it.
Are you staying fit? Have you joined a club? Do you have hobbies you can restart? What about getting a motorbike? A mountain bike? Joining a gym.
Thanks for your kind words. Yeah im trying to do some things to work on myself here but with all the debt servicing piling up and no settlement signed i cannot spend as I'd like so that's putting a wrench in the works but otherwise i find some low cost activities and things to do to keep my mind busy. Have a tiny fruit orchard going here already since the climate allows for it
Hi Catman19! Just stopping in to say hello after catching up on your July. Happy to see you're enjoying Europe as the next chapter. I've considered moving to Europe - motherland but likely won't as my (adult) children are here and I'm not ready to go so far from them. Enjoy the roosters and slower life Europe has to offer. And the food is so much better too. Happy for you!
H:49 W:49 M:26; T:32 D21; S23 BD1: Feb 2023 (I think it was a BD) BD2: Sept 2023 Moved out: Dec 2023
So just an update on my situation On the stbxw front, I am still awaiting on a signature of hers to finalize the legal separation, it is now August 14th and I've yet to receive a signed copy of the agreement with the mediated and agreed upon terms from our negotiations. As I have said I have signed my agreement through my lawyer on July the 2nd and I've had multiple emails sent from my lawyer asking if there's a signed copy received on my end. Since there hasn't been my lawyer has sent already 3 emails to stbxw telling her the ramifications of not signing and potential court costs if I choose to proceed in having her served. I do not want to go through with this process as it seems like an unnecessary waste of funds to come to an agreement on something we have already drafted with more than favorable terms for her. To me it feels like this could be one of two things. She's having buyers remorse now realizing things are real and I'm actually gone, or b) she is completely comfortable with the situation as is, which she said to me the last time we spoke "don't worry the money is in a safe place"
On the personal and career front, I have started a career here as a real estate agent, I'm now 2 weeks into and am quite enjoying it, I was in the profession back in north america. Learning the rules and legalities here is a bit of a learning curve and adapting to the internal crm system has taken some studying, but the challenge and work required have given me a nice sense of routine and balance in my life here.
I still make time for myself as lunch here tends to be 2 hours so I still enjoy that alone when I can, I make time for enjoying festivals with family and friends. A good sense of balance I believe I have achieved.
On another front I have met someone here and we seemed to have hit it off both online and then meeting in person, I am taking things slow as is she. I'm trying to gage compatibility and finding traits in her that I look for in a woman and if she is on the same page as me in terms of what she looks for in a partner and what kind of life she desires. I've learned a lot of lessons from the whole situation with stbxw. I feel learning to be by myself has given me a satisfying life and helped me be the best version of myself, in the encounters I have had with the new woman I have felt confident and myself all while not feeling or portraying the need of having someone in my life. I continue to do my regular trips to a place of meaning for me- a mountain to with a chapel near my parents home, where my father used to give me motorcycle rides to, I now go there regularly to pray and enjoy the views and occasionally the sunsets over the mountains. I consider this a type of sanctuary for me, I never pray for anything more than strength And even pray for others well being, and ask for the courage and wisdom to stay humble and centered on what's important for me
Thanks for the update, Catman. The location atop the mountain where you pray sounds wondrous. I wish you could an upload an image for us to see. Unfortunately, your STBXW seems to be dragging her feet. The "administrative" part of a breakup also seems to become a bother for the non-LBS. Maybe it is infringing on their time to be "living their best life" or perhaps it is a dash of uncertainty about the loss. Doesn't matter. Keep yourself moving forward. You took a huge step. Keep up the momentum. Good luck with the real estate business. I hope the market is easing up for sellers where you are. All the best, P.
Thanks for the kind words, yes the spot atop the mountain is beautiful and I make sure to make time for a visit, I typically do it before sunset and I make sure to walk uphill and not drive as for me it's a small form of effort. Faith is important to me and I have prayed there every time with intent, never asking for outcomes or things, but for humility, strength and perseverance. I have done my best to live without anxiety over things and to accept whatever happens without questioning it. Conversely every time I pray i feel im giving devotion and the walk down the mountain is almost a form of relief and clarity for me, on many occasions almost imediately i have received subtle signs that my faith and prayers have been listened to. Like phone calls for work where deals move forward or good things on the dating side. This to me has become a standard routine and when i feel intrusive thoughts or begin to think negative thoughts i stop what im doing and make the trek.
On the stbxw side, i have instructed my lawyer to go the court route. There are marriages worth salvaging but this one isnt one, after all the soul searching i realize the quality of life i would have with someone who so easily, willingly and arrogantly defiled everything that was good, demeaned, belittled, destroyed my character and self esteem and is a completely broken person. There are two sayings in the bible that have weighed on me, do not cast pearls before swine and a man is better alone than with a quarrelsome wife. So my lawyer has informed me that theres a possibility that if a court date has to be set then i have to appear in person, although i did not like this, i have accepted it and will deal with it when the time comes. I have purposely not allowed any of this to affect me. I sold my wedding ring a couple of days ago and i really felt nothing not a sense of loss, not even a sense of relief, just nothing. I'm glad I did it and I think my heart and mind are ready for anything now. What has to happen i will accept. I have done my best to stay humble and not feed into pride and it has helped me in my career and in my day to day life.
While I understand the idea of divorce busting, I belive one has to question deeply what it is that you want for your life. It gets to a certain point it's not worth giving up who you are for someone that only values the person in front of the mirror.
On a side note: I'm considering getting a tattoo, not as an erratic decision but to remind myself of what I have been through and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. My initial choice might be a phoenix rising from the ashes a sort of rebirth and beginning of new life with the flame of life
Any other interesting ideas for a tattoo in the same vein would be welcome here as well
On the stbxw side, i have instructed my lawyer to go the court route. There are marriages worth salvaging but this one isnt one, after all the soul searching i realize the quality of life i would have with someone who so easily, willingly and arrogantly defiled everything that was good, demeaned, belittled, destroyed my character and self esteem and is a completely broken person.
There is nothing wrong with this decision, you need to have a boundary for yourself and it sounds like you have put one in place. DB is about healing yourself and making yourself into the best person that you can be.
So today i had the X served with papers, she was asked by lawyer (as i was given a copy) whether she wanted to be served personally or a legal representative. She was also informed that if she chooses to go to court that she will have to pay the court costs. I feel i have been left no choice but to take this process as i didnt want to have to spend this much money when we had drafted an agreement but i did not want to sit in financial and emotional limbo. Communicating with lawyer has added a little bit of stress on the days it happens, as i feel im reliving things i do not want to. I get less bad dreams, most of them are me chasing her and then her still talking to others and me feeling hurt. It is the only part of my recovery i cannot control, the subconscious part of our brain is the last hold out in the healing and moving forward process. I am hoping that a court date does not get set because if it happens it will force me to fly back for an appearance and i really do not want to blunt my progress, and now with work i have some fiduciary responsibilities. Work is going great, im starting to feel more comfortable and i have exceeded any goals that I have set for myself. Whenever i feel down or even when things are going well for me, i find myself going to my spot of refuge and praying with intent, mostly praying for strength and being thankful for the things in my life that i have and are going well. This has done wonders for my psyche and i make it a habit of waiting and sitting on chapel steps and watching the sunset and taking in the fresh air (full of eucalyptus trees) and listening to the sound of the wind at the mountain top. I have begun taking artistic pictures of beautiful things i see in nature and practicing my photography skills in the progress.
While all of this is going on i am starting to get closer to the woman i am seeing and i feel a real connection with her everything feels and seems so easy around her and we share so much common ground that everything seems natural between us. While i know this is not the solution for my healing, it has created some fond new memories and restored some of my faith that there are women out there that share the same values as me. We are taking it slow and i feel that is the right way to do this, i am opening up as is she slowly and there has been absolutely zero conversation about our exes, and thats what i wanted. I did not want a connection forged on negative energy and feelings but rather one built on shared values and priorities. I did not plan to meet someone this soon, nor did i go out of my way for it to happen, i told myself that i would be open to it happenning but not lose focus on my own personal goals and alter my routine. It almost feels like she was the right person to enter my life at the right time. I am not getting overconfident nor am i refocusing my emotional energy on this woman but i am enjoying the moments and living in them when they happen. I truly feel i am ready to explore this further. I have made a conscious effort for a year and a half not to seek out anyone but work on my own well being and figuring out what i wanted in my life and what i want in a partner, i do not want to settle for someone who is broken and needs a saviour but someone who sees the world the same way as i do.
Thank you for listening, remember guys there is life after betrayal and hurt, do not rush it, do not force it, let what may come happen, have faith and stay humble and true to your values and beliefs. These are what you carry with you for life and what build and solidify your identity, never compromise who you are for anyone, you are only hurting yourself. Unfortunately we cannot fix others nor should we destroy ourselves in a futile attempt. We have to be at peace with who we are to succeed in anything that we do in our lives.
Just checking in here. Hope everyone is finding peace in their situations and working on themselves. Ive read a few of your stories, havent had a chance to reply. But just a word of advice. Treat your wayward spouses as strangers, the relationship you had together is dead, the trust and committment is gone. If you decide to rebuild anything, it has to be completely from scratch. Just remember they are treating you as nothing more than an acquaintance and you should act accordingly, do not give them the benefit of the doubt, do not do things in an amicable way if they are not doing the same, they do not respect you in any way, the respect has to be earned. Also in any separation or divorce proceeding as DnJ has said, treat it strictly as business, as you are living in a logical reality and they are living in an emotionally driven one. If they want to come back to you and you are willing to entertain the thought, THEY have to earn your trust, THEY have to earn your forgiveness. It is not on you to fix something that you did not break. And if you are on the fence of whether you want to take them back and build something new, think long and hard if you are emotionally strong enough and willing to sacrifice to allow them back into your life. You are a good person and stay true to your morals and values, do not compromise those for anyone. It is your life and your life alone for you to decide what you want. Good luck to everyone
