Grief and Gratitude, Grok - Shifting

[grok]

Benson Boone

At the Benson Boone concert. Almost time to start. D17 is dancing in her seat to the intro music *grin*. She’s got the silly feels emotions going on. Oh that female side of things.

D19 is down in the pit by the stage with her friends. I saw a hand wave once. …

woman and feels/emotions

It seems to ring true…how true is this?

Most men do not comprehend just how much a woman's emotional nature affects her entire reality. Even if a woman is logically aware that her emotions have taken her perception hostage, this awareness does not provide her with control over her emotions. She is almost helpless until her emotions pass.

Imagine a woman on a raft in turbulent waters heading towards a waterfall. The woman is aware of the fact that she is heading towards the waterfall and does her best to paddle to safety. Nevertheless, she is still carried by the rough waters through rapids and towards the waterfall.

A common example is where a woman is with a good man and she logically knows that this is a good man. His behaviour changes, causing the woman to lose positive feelings and to focus on negative feelings for this good man. She decides to leave. Even though she logically knows that this may not be the best decision, emotionally she will say "it doesn't feel right", and will justify her decision to leave. Later, when her negative feelings subside, the woman lives with the logical consequences of her decision, sometimes with regret. A deep state of denial is also another possible outcome.

Most women will think that they are being highly logical when analysing their emotions and their decisions, but they are still subject to their emotional state at the time. A wise woman will know to pause and do nothing so that her emotions pass with time.

g

[Caligirl]

Grok

It is true . For a long time I would paddle hard , address every emotion . Now I do nothing and pause . If it doesn’t pass after a few days then I will touch on it usually on here . I find this the safest place to do it as we have all been in or are in the same raft .

Love the GAL you do with the kids . Amazing how different they are . One in the pit and one in the chair .

[grok]

Line of contact

after Milton

That Friday, we are in recovery mode.  No gas available.  No power.  Slowly putting things away and performing cleanup.  Cold showers.  Figuring out temporary routines.

Sometime around noon I notice XW's van parked at the end of the street two houses down.  I've seen no messages.  Kids are just doing their own thing.  I wonder how long she has been there.  I wonder what she is doing.  I say nothing.

She stays there all day and evening.  I'm not sure if kids notice or not.  They don't go out to her.  

Late evening, I think?  She comes in to say goodnight to kids.  She says some mention of ... well, there is no internet available at her RV.  And that she is off to find someplace cooler to sleep.  Logical me of course still runs it though logical thought processes first.  

* No home internet or cellular hot spot?  
* You had both, ...
* Either way, why park outside my home?
* You could get internet service so many other places and ways.
* ..... And on.

Stop it G.  You noticed disconnects.  Let it go.  

settlement

One evening last week, I was doing something outside when the XW drove up.  She walked up and asked if we could talk for a few minutes.  I said sure, and just stood there.  She indicated maybe it would be better to go inside and talk in private.  Since the kids were not outside, I just stood there and asked what it was she wanted to talk about.  

* About the financial settlement, we need to start doing it
* Because the kids are never going to accept going to her RV
* She is planning on buying a house with property where her parents can build or park their RV
* She will pay cash...
* Which requires the settlement money
* Because finding a job has proven really hard
* Since unlike me she doesn't know anything about mortgages and stuff
* She knows their will be some sort of maintenance cost and effort associated
* The kids can come over then and do their school work in peace since the dogs barking won't bother them other there
* She can take the mean chicken other there
* Her dad will help her do all this
* It will be closer because those 11 miles back and forth are killing her

I stayed slurping my STFU smoothie.  Listened attentively.  Thought about she could be doing any of the settlement items herself if she wanted.  Thought about the default role she is following.  She expects me to lead, her to follow.  Thought about the split sets back any retirement consideration about 10 extra years of work.  Spoke business.

* I have started.
* Small investment account X has been cashed out and agreed amounts transferred to an account in your name.  
* MUCH larger account F has been contacted and I am working through what they need to split as agreed.  
* I will start on account F2 later.
* Others to follow

This has not been my priority.  None of this is operating funds.  I'm busy living life.  Other thoughts I had.

* I don't think she realizes that some of this will require court orders which will cost more $1000s.  
* I don't think she really understands the cost tail associated with maintaining a house.
* I don't think she really understands the kids not coming over to the RV is NOT about the RV.
* No S*** finding work paying for the life you had been provided for is not so easy as you keep thinking.  That was my expression of love, commitment and sacrifice.
* 11 miles?  This is the woman always rolled her eyes at my unhappiness when my commute extended another 20 or 40 minutes each way...and proclaimed she was just fine with hours in traffic running the kids around.

showing up

Well, XW has been showing up more often each work day and working with S12 on his homeschooling.  Perhaps 15 to 20 hours each week lately.  It overlaps with D17's time a home a few hours.  ... It had been as few as 2 hours in a week.  

I find myself feeling irritated sometimes.  It feels like cake eating.  and is in many ways.  She gets happy time with the kids when she shows up without any of the work of running a household or family.  As a workmate quiped, "Everyone wants to be the grandparents."  

I remind myself I made this choice to allow her in my home during work hours for this purpose.  It was never explicit, but in my mind it gave my children continuity, a single home, and avoided a custody questions.   ...  

why

Why does it cause me damage?  perhaps we are never quite as detached as we think.  perhaps I am judging rather than giving her to God.

...perhaps it has roots in HOW we love differently, makes us uniquely vulnerable in different ways...

Men and women love differently. I would argue that most women love their children more deeply than the men in their lives, perhaps because we biologically see our children as needing our protection. In contrast, male love tends to encompass both their women and their children. A man would willingly endure hardship to keep those he loves warm and safe. Most men express their love in a steadfast and dutiful manner - grounded in logic. For many men, providing affection, support, and protection is a rational choice. 

In many ways, men are more vulnerable in love because it is less ruled by emotions. Once a good man makes a choice, he usually commits fully. We, however, often love through the lens of emotion, which can colour our logical decision-making. Without spiritual and emotional self-awareness, many women can be as cruel as we are loving, justifying our actions as “morally correct” because it "felt right" in the moment. Until we learn to emotionally ground ourselves, we may unconsciously rely on the men around us to fulfil that role. I believe many men recognise this dynamic and often dread the implications of their feelings for a woman. 

Men's practical love is embodied by their willingness to make significant sacrifices, akin to giving an organ to the woman they cherish. Conversely, a woman's version of "ride or die" love often manifests as an unwavering pseudo-spiritual-level emotional commitment. For us, a profound romantic emotional bond we form is like giving away a part of ourselves - an emotional organ that can only be shared so many times - perhaps fewer than three in a lifetime. 

I think the key to fostering long-term female love lies in gratitude - for how men love. However, this requires a degree of psychological and spiritual purity and maturity. Spiritually healthy women tend to find joy in the beauty of the world, making gratitude a more accessible and natural response.

This does seem to describe me.

g

[DnJ]

Good Morning g

* No home internet or cellular hot spot?
* You had both, ...
* Either way, why park outside my home?
* You could get internet service so many other places and ways.
* ..... And on.

Stop it G. You noticed disconnects. Let it go.

I agree, strange to sit (hide out) in one’s van all day and evening. She could, maybe even should, be cleaning up after the storm. Seems everyone is/was.

At any rate, yes, big red stop sign. You stopped those thoughts. It’s her life and choice, let it go.

I just stood there and asked what it was she wanted to talk about.

* About the financial settlement, we need to start doing it
…

Yes, you should likely implement the agreed terms.

XW shared a lot of her details, and problems - both current and foreseeable. Her problems. Let go.

showing up

Well, XW has been showing up more often each work day and working with S12 on his homeschooling. Perhaps 15 to 20 hours each week lately. It overlaps with D17's time a home a few hours. ... It had been as few as 2 hours in a week.

I find myself feeling irritated sometimes. It feels like cake eating. and is in many ways. She gets happy time with the kids when she shows up without any of the work of running a household or family. As a workmate quiped, "Everyone wants to be the grandparents."

I remind myself I made this choice to allow her in my home during work hours for this purpose. It was never explicit, but in my mind it gave my children continuity, a single home, and avoided a custody questions. ...

why

Why does it cause me damage? perhaps we are never quite as detached as we think. perhaps I am judging rather than giving her to God.

...perhaps it has roots in HOW we love differently, makes us uniquely vulnerable in different ways...

This agreement of her helping out with school work at your home allowed you to retain sole custody. The kids stay at your home and only visit Mom if/when they wish to. I think. Correct?

XW is now coming over far more than she used to. Hopefully, positive progress is being made in S12’s homeschooling. Still, she is in your face more.

And it hurts.

But why?

Big red stop sign!

Let go!

Yes, we love deeply. Sacrifice deeply for those we love. Would die for them. Now, the really hard part. Live for them.

Find acceptance, for them. For you.

Let go, detach, accept, emotionally understand, give her to God, give yourself too (btw).

Dying for what one believes in is easy. Living for those values, therein is the test/testament.

Dying for a belief. Stubborn, rigid, stagnant, unyielding, no room to grow/evolve, and such. Dredges feelings of anger, judgement, non-forgiveness, a war-like mentally. And fighting begets fighting. All that twists inside one.

Living for a belief. Finding passion, joy, meaning, purpose, reason, and such in the endeavour. Less black and white, or right and wrong. Finding win/win outcomes. Finding your true deep wanted outcome/reason. Evolution. Becoming. Loving. Living.

Perhaps, look at, frame the situation, XW is like a tutor for S12. You’d not be upset with a tutor helping out so much.

She is also his Mom. Having her in his life will likely promote more in the positive side of the balance sheet, than if she was absent. (I do have some experience in that scenario.)

Anyhow, you are correctly asking why to the right person - yourself. Find your peace with XW/Mom’s grandparent-like dropping in.

This is in the realm of beliefs and convictions. How one lives. Why one lives. Not intellectual, not emotional. Contains both, and yet is beyond. The spiritual path, difficult to find the proper/exact wording, hopefully it comes across as intended.

D

[MamaG]

She stays there all day and evening. I'm not sure if kids notice or not. They don't go out to her.

I'm speechless from many miles away. When you and I (and DnJ), the ones thinking more logically can't make sense of this, you know there's something really off with her. And, yes, soooo so many places to connect to wifi. Maybe answers will come someday. For now, count your blessings. 3 beautiful and healthy kids under your roof. Lots of laughs and adventure.

As I read through the many 'settlement' bullets, it's clear she has faced what she has walked away from. You bring so much to the table and now you share it with the family of 4. She's feeling her consequences.

I love those smoothies too. Keep drinking them and keep stock of them. Clearly, between the two of us, it'll be like TP during Covid. lol

* 11 miles? This is the woman always rolled her eyes at my unhappiness when my commute extended another 20 or 40 minutes each way...and proclaimed she was just fine with hours in traffic running the kids around.

Funny, not funny how the shoe fits differently now. Sounds like apathy has been her thing for some time.

I find myself feeling irritated sometimes. It feels like cake eating. and is in many ways. She gets happy time with the kids when she shows up without any of the work of running a household or family. As a workmate quiped, "Everyone wants to be the grandparents."

Someone you know well often says, 'better not bitter'.

Easier said than done. I know all too well. Seek better. Be better.

And, the kids may love and need it, too. It sounds like she's being a good mom.

Kids know who is doing the parenting, caring, running of the house, feeding them....and on and on. Kids know who is doing the schooling. And, they don't another grandparent. They need stability and love, as you're providing. It's not lost on them.

She's not doing this 'to' you. Frankly, she's likely doing it 'for' her and her comforts/guilt/who knows?

Detached? Ya, probably not. It's the hardest thing I've ever been asked to do. This past weekend, I told my H that "I'm not depressed. I'm healed.'

Minutes after getting home and he left, I learned just how unhealed I am. Detached, I am not.

Give yourself grace. Raising a family, maintaining a home and holding a FT job as a single parent is not for the weak. You're doing great! I really believe that!

MG

[Caligirl]

Grok

Being the rock solid parent can be challenging. The way I look at the things with the children is , if causing good for them , I allow it as long as it’s not utterly throwing me off . It is a bit of cake eating on your W part . I had a lot of this my first go around . My H would over indulge in the kids to the point of his own exhaustion . Once he dropped them back off to me and asked to shower and nap in our bed . H moved home pretty quickly after that . It didn’t hurt the kids the extra time with him so I just let it run its course . Holding down the fort while someone else gets to the benefits is a hard pill to swallow . Give this time and pause on it .

Your W parking for the day 2 houses away is just odd . Don’t give it any thought . They do odd things that we will never make sense of .

[grok]

Yes, you should likely implement the agreed terms.

This I have been doing. I didn't mean to imply I wasn't. There is just a lot. She meant the big ones which she could use to buy a house. I never structured it to be separated ever. Life insurance cashed and transferred. Investment account F cashed out and transferred. Other life insurance with her as beneficiary to guarantee alimony and child support. 6/18 alimony payments complete. Biggest account F2 is in work. F3 next. Likely need court orders for military reserves retirement ($$$ to have them written). Every medical or school receipt presented, I have reimbursed.

This agreement of her helping out with school work at your home allowed you to retain sole custody. The kids stay at your home and only visit Mom if/when they wish to. I think. Correct?

Not quite right, though defacto right. For D17 and S12, official custody is 50/50.

In practice, ... well she lives in an RV making space more difficult for her. At the same time, she has NOT made the space she does have ... welcoming for them. Trading places...I would have made space where they would enjoy time with me. She has not. As reported by D19 when I asked why none of the three, ever, go visit her in her RV.

She also, somewhere, recognized the stability it grants the kids to stay in the only home they know. In their own beds and spaces. And is fearful of the courts deeming her a "bad mom" and taking away her access.

My personal word, "I will not keep the kids from you. I am not, and have not considered asking for sole custody." They live 100% with me for as long as they want. She has unrestricted access to them when they want to go and workday access to my home for schooling. It is a half spoken agreement.

Home access, so long as they live there as minors, is written into the parenting plan. Though as the mediator quipped, "I know you will both just toss this parenting plan in a drawer and do what ever you want. You have to put something down for the judge though."

I recognized early, though have never spoken of it anywhere but here, the children living with me 100% gives me defacto power. Forcing a change to defacto status takes a six month or more round trip through lawyers and courts. The courts are hesitant to order or force changes to any existing status quo if the children are doing OK as is. Rightly viewing that sending a Sheriff to remove a child from one home to go to another is harmful to the child.

XW is now coming over far more than she used to. Hopefully, positive progress is being made in S12’s homeschooling. Still, she is in your face more.

Yes, positive progress indeed, working through the Classical Conversations curriculum. Though an advantage of home schooling is progress does not need to be linear. She has been making an effort to show she is accomplishing the work now. S12 is disappointed to have less computer game time. ha.

Perhaps, look at, frame the situation, XW is like a tutor for S12. You’d not be upset with a tutor helping out so much.

She is also his Mom. Having her in his life will likely promote more in the positive side of the balance sheet, than if she was absent. (I do have some experience in that scenario.)

And this is exactly my reasoning for both alimony and home access. How much would I pay for D17 and S12 to go to a school I approved of? More than alimony. Is S12 better off with Mom dropping in most days? Yes, stability and Mom both in his life.

I love those smoothies too. Keep drinking them and keep stock of them. Clearly, between the two of us, it'll be like TP during Covid. lol

I've been stocking up. Storage area under the stairs.

Easier said than done. I know all too well. Seek better. Be better.

Ha. Yet another life long project to go with all the others. File under "who do I want to be." That file is getting pretty big.

Minutes after getting home and he left, I learned just how unhealed I am. Detached, I am not.

Give yourself grace. Raising a family, maintaining a home and holding a FT job as a single parent is not for the weak. You're doing great! I really believe that!

Thanks MamaG, that feels very familiar and helps. This ...this... this... has been my first experience with real overwhelming self-doubt, self-worth. It is shocking to me because for most of my life I've been able do just about anything I chose to put my mind and effort towards.

The words and behaviors from the person I trusted most in this world... If you, XW, were that unhappy, was I not worth the effort to work on it? Have I failed my children in not understanding what i needed to work on with XW? ...

Ha. Yet another life long project to go with all the others.

The way I look at the things with the children is , if causing good for them , I allow it as long as it’s not utterly throwing me off . ... Holding down the fort while someone else gets to the benefits is a hard pill to swallow . Give this time and pause on it .

Thanks Caligirl, this is kind of what I was doing, I think. It's good to hear your similar experience and feelings. You can see my "why" above. I've tried to combine "have no expectations" and "is this better for my children than her missing from their lives?" I'm letting it rest. They are happy to see her.


Time to open my eyes. Time to open the shutters and go outside. What am I waiting for?

Kings Kaleidoscope - by Kings Kaleidoscope

In the morning do you want to hide
Shut the shutters up and stay inside?
You're a dreamer with an open eye
What are we waiting for?
...
Are you filling all your space and time
Too afraid to let a friend inside?
You're a current that can turn the tide
So what are we waiting for?
...
You're a kaleidoscope
Be the kaleidoscope
We're the kaleidoscope

g

[grok]

Camping Fri and Sat nights

Though S12 doesn't want to go camping (lite version), I think it is good for him to go with his troop. There were about 20+ other boys plus their fathers there. Good to interact with more boys of various sorts. Good to be bored and lonely sometimes. Good to get out in the physical world for a while. Good to work through the prep, set up, tear down, and clean up later. It was good to go swimming in the natural springs . We had minnows nibbling on our toes.

The location is only 30 minutes from home, so I drove back late Fri night to walk the dogs with D17/D19 and make sure they were set for the evening. Then drove back to S12 and the campground. I judged it part of the experience he needed to go through. It turned out that he stayed in the tent while I was gone. And called Mom.

XW, "Please let me walk the dogs tonight. I really don't mind. S12 called me and was lonely without you there. It will give me time to spend with D17 and D19."
G, "That is fine. S12 is going through necessary parts of a young man's journey."
XW, "Thank You"

Doorbell cam indicated she did go over - about an hour walking the dogs, maybe 40 minutes possible with D17/D19 and then departed.

Navigating …

XW’s parents are back in town. I had heard from the kids that they were coming. And the kids were asking me about schedules so they didn’t say OK when I already had things on the calendar. Nothing direct from XW until Sunday afternoon a message in the group chat (which used to be named “family but in a pique and irritation I renamed “child coordination”),

XW, ”Is it alright with everyone if Grandma and Grandpa bring pizza and play games at 5:30 over there with you?”

D17, *heart emoji*
D19, ” FYI I will be getting home from babysitting around then and will be taking S12 to trim his hair for a bit”
XW, ”should they come a little later?”
D19, ”likely better, I don’t know when I will be done with work. I’ll just be upstairs with him for a bit”
G, ”either time is fine”
XW, ”thank you”

D17, S12 and I were already doing cleanup, so we cleared more areas for pizza and games. Dialog between the kids ran something like,
”is Mom coming over?”
“I don’t know, probably not.”
*shrug*
“Oh, OK.”

I consider. I’m not sure I like XW coming over for this. On the other hand it may be good for my children. I feel very unwilling to “pretend family.” I still hear the words of XW after attending the mandatory state parenting class.
”Oh they explained that we are all still a family, just living in different houses.”.
What sort of feel-good ism is this? Words to make people feel better about their decision? It feels offensive to me.

The grandparents show up around 6:00 with pizza. We eat and talk. Big dog making sad noises in his crate. I think he wanted pizza.

Then we proceed into the living room and start with the card game “Mao,” where you have to learn the rules as you go because you can’t normally speak. Ugh! The kids like it though, because they can penalize those who don’t know it as well…..lol. It takes a while with six of us playing. Next the kids decide we are playing the card game “BS” with two decks. A game of strategically lying. *sign*. I’m terrible at this. Grandpa goes empty of cards first.

It’s about two hours since they arrived and then the door opens and XW walks in, the kids distractedly say “hi mom” and keep playing, she goes and sits behind Grandma holding her crochet. I wonder if that means she intends to stay a while…. We keep playing but Grandma goes out next. Meanwhile D19 and D17 start squabbling about play behavior.

D19 is calling “BS” a lot, and on almost every play D17 makes. D19 has soooo many cards now she certainly won’t go out soon. D17 loudly complains she doesn’t like being called out every time and it isn’t any fun anymore. D19 points out rightly that all rules have been followed. They are now focused more on their argument than the game so I call an end to the game.

a disturbance in the force

G, ”OK, Grandpa and then Grandma have already won. Since we’re not having fun anymore we will end this game here.” Upon which D17 throws her hand down on the coffee table in front of D19, scattering the cards. D17 goes to sit on the couch with a stone face.
D19, ”Daaad, she thew the cards at me!!!”

I see XW’s face contorting and see her getting disturbed. Grandpa and Grandma are sitting back to see how this plays out.

G, ”I see both of you and we will talk / address this later.”
D19, ”Dad, you always say that but never do it…” I file that perception away for later consideration.

XW suddenly grabs her stuff and stalks out the front door in a huff, closing it heavily. We all look at each other.

Suddenly calm, the two squabblers look at each other,
“You think she’s gone for the night?”
“Probably”
“huh”
“Drama much?”
“Yeah, like if anyone it should be one of us.”
“I know right?”
“What the heck man”

S12 looks crestfallen. G, ”hey, you can go out and tell her goodnight if you want.” He gets up and goes out the door.

Grandma tells the girls they shouldn’t be fighting like that.
“Oh grandma, we weren’t fighting.”
“ That would be serious.”
“We’re just squabbling. “
“all sisters do that”
“we’ll be fine by morning”
“I’ll be fine tonight after I fart in her pillow.”
“Outrageous” .
And just like that hey are mostly good again.

Grandpa and Grandma decide that is their cue to depart. They start getting ready. XW comes back in after a while. I go and start cleaning up from dinner. With the grandparents gone, XW and D17 have a long discussion. I hear bits and pieces … excuses as well as “I didn’t handle that well,” etc….

Somewhere in there D19 tells XW she has finally decided she does actually want to go to college after all, and study child behavior. D19 deals with difficult children and special needs children at work and likes working through their behavioral issues. XW replies to this with reminders to D19 she doesn't have the right credits to go to college. D19 is emotionally upset at this, "Then why did you graduate me from High School then!!!" XW then proceeds to lecture her about how she chose not to go the college path and was missing a lot.

Feelings and solutions

An hour after the grandparents leave, and after seeming to mend fences with each child, XW comes to me and asks to talk.
XW, "You know I graduated her because she didn't want to go to college and wasn't ready. You know I gave her the chance/choice. I think I can dig out the missing courses that fit her learning style. ... "
G, "I remember all of it. I know."
It felt like XW thought I wasn't part of the decision. Of course I was. I agreed to let D19 proceed on a non-college path. More school can be done when needed. She wasn't ready.

XW finally leaves and I start kids on evening routines for bed...and go see D19 who is crying in her bed.
"Why was I let graduate?"
"I can't go to college now"
"no good school will take me"
and more feelings

Trying very hard to put into practice my updated understanding of female communication. She is trying to tell me how she feels. I attempt to validate her feelings first. Scary. Sad. Failing. Hopeless. Crushed.
Then trying very hard to express mine about her. Capable. Confident. Skilled.

Followed by fixing/solutions. Missing courses can be made up. Local community college is perfectly fine if your goal is to learn the material in the class. State universities don't give you an advantage there. I will help you through each and every class if you want my help. We can go and find out exactly what it will take to get you on the degree path. There are no closed doors here.

The next day

XW forgets D17 at gymnastics again. I go pick her up.

D17, ”I like grandparents taking us out to eat and pizza, but it is too much sometimes.”
G, ”I understand. It gets to be heavy on the food and heavy food.”
D17, ”yeah, sometimes you just want normal food.”
G, ”well, we will appreciate their generosity. They have always been generous that way. That is how they show they care.”
D17, ”yes, it is very generous of them.”

g

[Caligirl]

Grok

Mind boggling . Just how you wrote she forgot your daughter at gymnastics again . Terrible how this is normal . One of my children signed up for soccer last year . I agreed to pick up one day . H the other . Every day that was H day my daughter would remind him and then me too that H needs to remember to pick her up . He forgot or was late , gave her terrible anxiety . Mind blown of how you just forget your kid and we just pickup the pieces .

[grok]

Threading self between forms of system collapse

Thanks Caligirl. I think as is often repeated here, the WAS often has so much in their heads/hearts/emotions, there is little room for everything else. Pets, children, spouses, ... Bits of MLC and the OM/OW crowding out everything. It's enough to make one jaded. We, the LBS, walk the knife edge of Nihility on one side and hardened toughness of Jade on the other.

Listening to morning jams on the way to work yesterday. Just re-released/mixed electronica to match the theme. One of the best/most famous artists in the genre. No lyrics...D19 gave it an emoji heart. 12 minutes.

Re_Jaded - by Deadmau5

"All the way back in 2007, there was a very limited release of deadmau5’s ‘Jaded’, now, 17 years later – the track is properly available to the masses via a new four-track EP. Includes is the original record, alongside a new 12 minute edit from deadmau5 and another Ambient Mix to go alongside. Finaling the package is a remix from rising producer Volaris."

Love, Marriage, More than a feeling

For good AND ill, drive time is often contemplation time. Love, Life, Loss, where to go now?

To me, love and marriage is so much more than a feeling.

I see XW now and do a double take. At first it looks like my W, then does not... It's as if the W I had is seen through a smoky and distorted funhouse mirror.

Her face fades...I still recall...the dream of a girl I used to know...as she slipped/walked away

More Than a Feeling - Boston

I looked out this morning and the sun was gone
Turned on some music to start my day
I lost myself in a familiar song
I closed my eyes and I slipped away
...
So many people have come and gone
Their faces fade as the years go by
Yet I still recall as I wander on
As clear as the sun in the summer sky
...
When I'm tired and thinking cold
I hide in my music, forget the day
And dream of a girl I used to know
I closed my eyes and she slipped away

She slipped away

It's more than a feeling (More than a feeling)
When I hear that old song they used to play (More than a feeling)
I begin dreaming (More than a feeling)
'Til I see Marianne walk away

g