Grief and Gratitude, Grok - Shifting

[grok]

Repost of previous thread last post...continuity.

snippets

D19, "Daddy, come home soon. I don't like being a pseudo-parent."

G, "I will be home early Friday afternoon. You are doing fine. Don't stress and don't take on too much for yourself. You aren't the parent. Just let me know."
....

S12 caused an uproar the other evening. As he is learning to used the stove and oven he sometimes make a mistake. Last evening D19 asked him to make her some turkey bacon strips. It is something he knows how to do. This time he left a plastic lid on the glass stovetop "burner" where it partly melted and burnt.

The fumes are of course acrid and this freaked out D17 who was over the top scared and angry for her Cockatiel, Green-Cheeked Conure, and 4 chicks (sensitive to fumes and smoke). I was on a video call with them at the time and remotely mediated / supervised recovery operations. Doors/windows were opened, fans were set up, D17 and I went on a video call walk so she could express her fears and anger without yelling at her siblings.

G, "Yes D17, IT IS scary thinking your birds could die. Yes, FEELING angry is normal. Let us work on what to DO about it."

Birds and their cages got moved into D19's car with running air conditioning. D17 sat with them. We agreed that an hour after the house seemed aired out would be OK to bring them back in and put them in a bathroom on the other side of the house with the door closed.

I had S12, with D19's assist, scrub the stovetop with a vinegar and baking soda paste. Several rounds later it appears to be cleaned.

None of them gave any indication throughout a couple hours, of wanting to call W over to help. Huh...I'm 750 miles away.
....

10p tonight, D17, "I'm having S12 do chores. Dishes piled up and I don't like it. D19 left medicine cups all over crusting up and she needs not to do that. She's not that sick. I think the dogs have been fed, but I'll check and make sure..."[I]

G, [I]"Don't stress over all the things. It is bed time. I'll help set everything back to right and routine tomorrow."

D17, in her I'm busy voice, "I know daddy. I'm not stressing. I just don't like it and need to get some things done first."

G, "OK D17, Thank You for helping and making sure things get done."
....

It's 11p. I have to get up at 4:30a to go to the airport. D19 is in bed, I just directed S12 on brushing his teeth ASAP and go to bed. D17 and W are emotionally arguing downstairs in the dark kitchen. W seems to be justifying her choices and actions as God's will, seen through signs shown to her, ... it is all necessary to prepare her for something in the future.
....
highs and lows
I have amazing kids. I have a good job. I have pretty cool and flexible workmates and associates. I have a home and car. I had delicious upscale tacos and craft beer with teammates while laughing about drinking games made up to go with tonights US presidential "debate." I speed walked 5.8 miles along the beach boardwalk today. It was a beautiful day. Listening to -

Life is Good by Courtnie Ramirez ft. Apollo LTD

Thought I lost my joy but then I found it
Now all I wanna do is talk about it (all I wanna do)
Even when the world has got me stressing
I'm just gonna lean into the blessing (blessing)
No more second guessing
...
Throw my hands up, see the blessing all around me
No I can't help myself, just wanna sing about it
What can I say?
It's a beautiful day, I'm feeling like I should
I'm giving a place for all the ways that life is oh, so good

(chorus)
Oh, gonna let myself go
I'm feeling the freedom rise up in my soul (it's so good)
Life is good, life is good, yeah, it's oh, so good
Oh, no holding me back
'Cause I'm holding on to this hope that I have
Life is good, life is good, yeah, it's oh, so good


g


Previous Thread

[grok]

Shifting

Sitting in airports today. Kids keep asking when I'll be home. Even when I'm not trying to make them my validation...it does feel good. They have done so well this week substantially on their own.

Thinking on what to name the next thread had me contemplating my changes, how I feel differently from last spring and from when I started posting, how I've structured or not life with three children and me as W seems to pull back more, ... and I'm not sure I can easily define or encapsulate them.

So ... Shifting. Perhaps readers can see it better from outside.

grok (understanding) continued

Mach1,

Go ahead and recommend more threads. I've read through several more in the mean time. Some like me and some very different in values and outlook.

To the others also, please don't take lack of specific replies to be me not paying attention. I am. I think, just like the WW/WAW, but for very different reasons, I have limited bandwidth. Reading and thinking during the day takes dispersed effort... writing/posting coherent thoughts takes a lot more for me. I find my efforts and hours have truly been re-prioritized this last year.

g

[grok]

Independence Day

Happy Independence Day all.  It's been a pretty good week since I got back home last Friday.

D19 has been exhausted with her return to work while not fully recovered from illness.  Last day of antibiotics today.  She's had a tough time with those pills as she can't swallow them. Old issue with a tongue tie.  We have to crush them and mix into something she can swallow.  They taste terrible no matter what.  Tears.  and while I was gone, "Momma doesn't do it right daddy!"  Finally on day 7 we hit on mixing crushed pills with a green health drink.  Sleeping 10 hours and napping for hours also.

W texted me ~10p last night wanting to take the kids out for brunch.  She planned on showing up at 10a absent any other notifications.  The last minute late at night irked me a bit so I waited and replied after I had breakfast this morning, "I'll have them ready at 10.”. And so I did, as the kids didn’t seem to have any urgency to go. They were back by 1130.  

I made my own brunch just for me with a delicious omelet (Italian sweet sausage, fresh little onions and mushrooms, bell pepper and cherry tomatoes, feta on top) along with homemade bread with local peach jam.

Everyone seemed tired so I decided it was a rest day. Everything can wait. D17 and S12 were now complaining of pain/illness symptoms. A quiet mid day and everyone took naps. Some fun after with a BB gun and bow/arrow in the back yard. Something we picked up when D17, S12 and I had taken a trip to Bass Pro Shops last weekend while D19 napped. Then the movie “Independence Day” just for fun. D17 spent the movie yelling at the characters for their bad choices.

By the time the movie ended, it was time for our own fireworks. As usual, I had purchased 30 minutes worth of firework fun for the kids. It was fun with D19 jumping up and down with her excitement. D17 and S12 were feeling worse by now and sat out half of it. With how they described their symptoms I decided to take them in to the urgent care clinic tomorrow morning. And sure enough, S12 measured 102/103F now just before bed. Frustrating as he had a mile fever last Saturday but it had gone away since then! Cold medications for all and to bed.

Meditations on Blame and Forgiveness

I had a couple days of a single band playlist while driving.  Themes resonating. My own thoughts will have to wait for time to write. It’s almost midnight again.

What if we all just have different failure modes?

Only with the right motives can blame be placed…and dealt with.

Blame - Collective Soul

When you're willing to render
To the guilt you concede
When truth is your reason
Then lay the blame on me
When you unveil a conscience
And with peace you agree
When love is your constant
Then lay the blame on me

Question your answers
Your truth has no anger
Gather up your words
Redemption now offered

Leading to ...

Forgiveness - Collective Soul

In my silence, I would love to forget
Restitution hasn't come quite yet
And with one accord I keep pushing forth
While I stretch my heart to heal some more
....
As my seasons change, I've now grown to know
When one's heart creates, one's soul doesn't owe
So I wash away stains of yesterday
Then tempt my heart with love's display

It used to be all I'd want to learn
Was wisdom, trust, and truth
But now all I really want to learn
Is forgiveness for you

g

[DnJ]

Good Morning g

I have trouble swallowing pills too. Kind of funny as my regiment has had me on a weekly dose for years now. One would think it be easy by now. Alas, no. I do find it much easier to swallow pills when they are “hidden”; not just in water. My go to favourite is tomato juice.


Blame and forgiveness.

The road to forgiveness start with identifying the hurts and transgressions. And yes, assigning blame.

This blame does need to be expressed, and it is normal and healthy to for it to be expressed as hate. Ensure you assign/choose the correct/appropriate target(s) for such hatred. The deed. The transgression. Not the person. That is a key distinction.

Such hating, and for the moment unforgiving emotions, do feel powerful. Watch out, it’s an insidious trap. A deception. For it only masks our pain, our hurt, our vulnerability. That strength is an illusion. It keeps you shackled and stuck.

In time, and with purposeful conscious choice one starts to let go. To write paid in full on that invoice we are carrying in our heart. To no longer define ourselves as victim.

That previous distinction between sinner and sin becomes evermore important. Only God can forgive a person, a soul. We mere mortals do not, cannot, see all ends. Trying to forgive the person places one on some moral high ground. Looking down and deciding who to dispense to forgiveness upon or not. That is folly!

For, if one had lived, endured, the same pains/path as our spouse, would we have done similar? For me, I do not know. It’s easy to think I’d/we’d never do such a thing. It’s easy to blame and hate. Take the next step.

We let go our hatred. We open ourselves up to God. Open ourselves up to our own pain. Repeatedly. Often. And the wisdom/forgiveness seeps in:

Love the sinner. Forgive the sin.

Forgiveness is so much more powerful, yet doesn’t feel it. Peace feels oddly less and yet much much more. Freedom from those feelings of retribution, grudges, and such. A peace and contentment which is quite literally difficult to imagine until you are there.

We get out of the way, and let God take over. And the big reveal, it’s our life and journey we get out of the way of. Forgiveness is about you. Letting go and moving forward in your healing.

It is amazing!

One day, you wake up and find yourself thinking, feeling, and even believing differently about that person/transgressor. You will even pray for them. Sincerely, pray for them.

Your hurt has diminished.

You realize you are free!

You might not like them, yet you do forgive them. And forgiveness does not preclude holding them accountable.

It makes little sense until you find your way. I’ve had many people tell me they’d never forgive someone if they did that to them. Or what XW did is unforgivable. Non-forgiveness, or more correctly not forgiving, is a common view, especially in our society where we are bombarded with blame-filled messages all the time. It’s all around us, blaming and hating.

Let go. Be better, not bitter.

Be a beacon. Walk in the light.

You’re on the path. Keep moving forward.

Have a wonderful Sunday.

D

[Mach1]

Hey G,

Just swung by and saw your message.

The next set of threads are from a guy that I am proud to call a friend IRL.

I've often looked at the journey that a man has walked as a testament to his character. And I would venture that this journey that has been archived is one of the more inspirational ones that I've had the pleasure of reading.

I think that looking back, the majority of his posts on his threads were about defining his stand, his thought process in understanding what it meant to stand, to be a man, and mostly ?

Defining what true love meant to him. What it takes to love another person, and what that meant to him.

I hope you enjoy reading him, I certainly enjoyed walking beside him.

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=userposts&view=started&id=27019


Hope things are well with you....

[grok]

Thanks Mach1,

things are ... well, I'll quote someone else's words from this forum, for what to tell people when they ask. "I'm doing surprisingly well!"

It is both true and helps reset my focus ... to doing surprisingly well. The majority of days anyway. The words we use and how they affect our internal trajectory. After getting nuked from orbit...recovery is uneven and will take a while.

I've started through Truegritter's threads. I've seen the name talked about in some of the older threads before... Too many tabs open on my browser saving each bit that resonates.

Instead of a song, how about a quote found in The Beauty of the In-Between by Mathew Nelson -

Prayer of Teilhard de Chardin -

Patient Trust

Above all, trust in the slow work of God.
We are quite naturally impatient in everything to reach the end without delay.
We should like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being on the way to something unknown, something new.

And yet it is the law of all progress
that it is made by passing through some stages of instability—
and that it may take a very long time.

And so I think it is with you;
your ideas mature gradually—let them grow,
let them shape themselves, without undue haste.
Don’t try to force them on,
as though you could be today what time
(that is to say, grace and circumstances acting on your own good will)
will make of you tomorrow.

Only God could say what this new spirit
gradually forming within you will be.
Give Our Lord the benefit of believing
that his hand is leading you,
and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself
in suspense and incomplete.

—Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, SJ
excerpted from Hearts on Fire


g

[grok]

Kinda quiet around here last few days.

S12 and I are at a “lock-in” campout at a local church tonight. It’s hot and he fell asleep for a nap though the sun isn’t down yet. He’s still recovering from the sick/fever that has gone through all three kids now. Just a cough left for him. D17’s fever left last Monday so she went back to gym on Wed and Thur. W pushed her to do so, “you are fine,” after I told D17 I would support her staying home another day or two if she needed. She still had a hacking cough and exhaustion. Thursday night D17, ”Daddy, I feel hot. I don’t feel good.” Yep. She measured 103F. No gym on Friday, today, for her. More rest. D19 seems to be just about back to normal.

W? She did come over at noon for an hour or two each day I was at work. She brought the kids sugar free sodas. And some strawberries. Goodnights at the curb seem to have diminished in time to like 5 minutes instead of 30 to 40. She texts the kids that she is there now, not me. D19 came to me one evening, ”Dad, I told mom she could come in tonight. She needed to use the bathroom. She’s not feeling good.” The dogs went a little nuts. She doesn’t take the little dogs with her anymore. The kids seemed to be irritated that she came in and caused disruption to the evening routine. Just observing behaviors.

That Date of Destruction

This morning I received a text from W: ”It is past the 30 days and I did not receive a notification of a court date. Could you let me know if there are any Mondays or Fridays you’ll be unavailable over the next month, and when I call to talk to the clerk, we will choose the best date and time possible for less impact on your work.”

Evidently she never noticed the emails the court sent or they are in her spam folder. The court set a date of 9/11 in their email to me. Apropos date of destruction. I haven’t replied yet. I was feeling too snarky. Resisting something like, ”Yes, the court picked an appropriate date for the “chaos and destruction” I told you this would cause.” Should I forward my own emails from the court? Tell her to check her spam folder? Suggest she contact the clerk and make sure her email is correct? What is detached non-emotion based….? The message brought up feelings mild anger, irritation, and nausea. I emotionally do better just living my life with running dark. Living my life without thinking about this.

Readings

Well, … the number of themes expressed in this forum all in one paragraph.

The Beauty of the In Between - Matthew Nelson

“I’m fearful that far too many people want the great ending without the backstory. We want the benefits without paying the price. Again, we want the rewards without embracing the process. If we can skip the period of discipline, difficult decisions, perseverance, and anonymity, then why wouldn’t we simply choose to walk into success? The backstory, however, shapes who we become. It’s a necessary part of the process. Difficult things produce the most lasting and fruitful results. In fact, unless we surrender the results to God and embrace the reality that we may not ever be “successful,” then we will remain trapped in the cage of our expectations Great stories do not come easily. Somewhere along the way, somebody made a series of extremely difficult decisions, sacrificed something great, and repeatedly chose to get back up after facing failure.”

- What price will you pay?

- Trust the process.

- You won’t give up who you become from this backstory.

- Do the work.

- {Re)Define successful.

- Let go of your expectations.

- Difficult…Sacrifice….CHOOSE to get back up after failures.


g

[DnJ]

Good Morning g

Glad to hear that everyone is over whatever bug when through your household.

The duration of W’s roadside goodnights is some of the settling that occurs. Along with her directly informing the kids of her arrival. I’d not be surprised to see her start missing days too. Even getting to no goodnights. That is the likely evolution of such visits.

The kids seemed to be irritated that she came in and caused disruption to the evening routine.

Yes, kids, us, are all creatures of habit. Part of their healing is forming new routines (they had to after all) and Mom interfering and messing with their now comfortable nighttime routine will not go over well. They would not likely tolerate such disruptions for long.

As to the court date snafu. Which isn’t really, sounds like W just flaked or missed an email.

The message brought up feelings mild anger, irritation, and nausea.

Well done identifying and listening to your emotions. Really good to not respond while emotionally stirred - giving yourself that 24-48 hour buffer.

You have a couple of choices: Say nothing and let her contact the courts and get her stuff straightened out on her own. Or you can provide some level of guidance and/or information.

The first, remaining dim/dark is fine. You have no need to let her know your schedule as it already decided. Letting her feel and figure out her court dates is part of that heavy lifting. It’s ownership and responsibility of her ensuring her divorce process stays on the rails. 30 days and she hasn’t hear anything and didn’t do anything. Not really your problem, you have your information. She’s a grown woman, and she fired you as her supportive husband; allow her to feel it. To lay in the bed she made.

The latter choice is also acceptable. Be it at a minimal level, IMHO. You could let W know you received an email from the courts weeks ago and she might want to contact them to ensure her email correspondence is working correctly. You could provide her the date, although I’d lean to not.

With a court date and appointment for deliberation/negotiation, do you have a L? I suspect you do. At such a point into this process I’d be more dark and leave communications and the keeping of things running smoothly to my L. Not placing boulders on the path, nor paving it either. Also keeping your mental and emotional health a priority.

I’d likely go with option one. Like I said, W likely flaked, or it’s her attention span like that of a gnat, or she’s playing you and digging for information, or whatever. Nothing you need fix or control. Focus on you.

How was the campout? Did S12 and you have a good time?

D

[Ready2Change]

This morning I received a text from W: ”It is past the 30 days and I did not receive a notification of a court date. Could you let me know if there are any Mondays or Fridays you’ll be unavailable over the next month, and when I call to talk to the clerk, we will choose the best date and time possible for less impact on your work.”

Wait 24/48.

Email "My understanding: September 11 at 9am room 13, regards Grok" (or whatever time and place)

then text: "Sent you an email"




This is a business transaction. Treat her respectfully like someone you don't know. (for example:a hostess at a restaurant) No emotions.

[grok]

Thanks DnJ, R2C,

Lost Court messages found

I was figuring on giving it 48 hours over the weekend. I’m busy with my life you know…. and just over that mark, Monday morning, I received, paraphrased -

”I know you don’t want to do some things by message, but DO want to do others by messages. I am calling the clerk’s office and know you are on business travel next week. Are there dates you will be unavailable? I will be asking for Mondays or Fridays if they allow me. Do you need to go in the day after? If you want, we’ll discuss it in person.”

It felt like…see how reasonable I am, now do this on my timeline. So I waited until the evening and replied ”I checked yesterday. I received email from the court last month.”

Then I walked away from devices to be PRESENT. One of my 180s this year since I have been such a technology/gadget/information junkie.

I found later messages in succession ”Was there a date?” “Never mind, I see it”

As far as I can tell, I’ve never preferred a particular communications method. I just use what seems to suit when I decide to respond.

Monday Homeowner blues

In the mean time, D17 came to me last night about 10p and asked if it felt hot in the house. We went to the thermostat and checked. It read 79F but set to 76F. Uh Oh.

She’s smart and has been down this troubleshooting with me before. ”Dad, let’s check the condensation outlet overflow pan first. Since if it gets full it trips the safety cut off.” We checked, but it was dry. Time to check outside. A few months ago it was the outside air handler fan blades had broken loose from the collar holding it to the motor shaft. Now the compressor was cycling on for 30 seconds and then off again. The fan blades were NOT turning. The fins were HOT and the fan motor body was HOT.

^@#$%#%#@.

It is 10:30p.

Kids are almost in bed lights out.

It is 85F outside at almost 100% humidity.

The AC is NOT working.

-PAUSE-

Man Up G, yes it [censored], yes it will continue to suck, just execute. Those with a Mil background will know:

Embrace the Suck

I spent the next three hours finding tools, meters, and YouTube videos to help walk me though checking some system aspects related to the fan motor. I stripped a set screw also. The motor had mild resistance to turning. Sigh. By 2am I was going to bed having ordered a motor start capacitor, a contactor, a motor, and fan blades on Amazon. There was no definitive solution with all I tested. Order of likelihood is capacitor, motor, contactor. I don’t have time for this. I’m leaving on business next Monday. And the last technician had quoted 4X the price I was buying parts for on Amazon. I’ll be able to start replacing parts on Wed.

By 6:30a this morning after a few hours sleep I messaged one of the guys I support and asked to borrow his portable AC unit. Sure he says, let’s meet at the lab across town. We’ll sync on what equipment is going where and I’ll hand you the AC unit. With that running all day our downstairs area has been kept to 79F while upstairs reached 90F. I worked from home at the kitchen table in that balmy 79F.

The following messages…what?!

Then, just about at the end of the work day I received the following from W (paraphrased) -

Good afternoon. I received the alimony checks, for June and for July. 2 out of 18 installments. This message is to make you aware of two checks coming to you on July 23rd equaling the payments. These are to go toward paying for my car, please, and are paid of my own free will without your request or coercion. Do not bother increasing your amount. Stay on schedule. Do not bother returning this money to me—I will pay it to you again and this will become a farce.

I would also like to get together after the divorce is final and give you back all money that you consider yours. If that is all of it, then every last cent will be yours. If you do not believe me, pick a lawyer and we will set up a date. I would be happy to write this statement out and get it notarized or find someone to draw up a contract.

In our SIGNED Legal Settlement, I accepted the vehicle low interest debt in exchange for keeping more investments. This seemed reasonable to me. It is a legal contract and I’m not about to break it. I can stuff what she sends me into a separate account for now or just keep track of the amounts or ??? She is free to do what she wants with the Alimony monies. But sending it to ME? How does this affect the agreement if she pays off a debt I accepted as mine?

And then the second part…. I’ve never felt or indicated that I considered anything but half our assets mine. I regarded US as a 50/50 partnership no mater who was earning at the moment. This is what the SIGNED Legal Settlement reflects. I have stated this outright to her. And once the assets are in her name alone, she can’t just give them without a huge “gift tax” penalty.

I’m not sure what to think about any of this. Or how to reply. I asked the ladies at the pub trivia night. The only one who ventured an answer suggested that if she is planning to hook up with an OM, she doesn’t want the OM to get ahold of it. Out of Context problem.

Rise by Shawn McDonald

Sometimes my heart is on the ground
And hope is nowhere to be found

Love is a figment I once knew

And yet I hold on to what I know is true



Yes I will rise

Out of these ashes rise

From this trouble I have found

And this rubble on the ground
I will rise


g