Detaching & setting boundaries w/ clingy boomerang

[MamaG]

DnJ - thanks for the great advice on the water pipes. I ordered some parts to get the screen off the faucets - they don't just pop off. I'll be looking for settlement or otherwise as I continue trying. This weekend I'd like to get some power washing done. The power washer has been temperamental so it'll be a bit before I can get it to start. Crossing my fingers.

So, I'm sensing a shift and while I'd like to celebrate, I'm trying to contain myself. When I say 'celebrate', I'm celebrating a potential small win. I've read on here somewhere that progress is measured by movement through the tunnel. For this reason, I feel like there may be an oppty to celebrate. Time will tell.

As part of my concerted effort to detach in the first couple days of May, I haven't reached out to H for anything. I'm not initiating contact nor making requests of him....not even things that pertain to the house or kids. H did take me to a mid-May appt as he offered and I accepted. Still, that was 2 months ago.

I've been GALing, fixing stuff around the house, took a vaca, all while healing from surgery....and, minding my own business. Some good days; more not so good days, but I'm trying. One day at a time.

H and I haven't shared moments, work, lives, dilemmas, anything. H has reached out here and there to see how I'm recovering and he has been trying to come here for stuff over the last month....I've been unengaging and pushing him off, almost dismissive. As you know, H came here on 7/8 for a quick 5 minutes. I didn't welcome him and he saw that my arms weren't doing well despite no call to him for help. I guess that was too much emotion and he left. Well, I'm not putting pressure on this guy. Nope, not me.

DnJ, I responded as you suggested to his request to come get clothes this week...'I boxed up your personal belongings....let's plan for Th night.' I got a quick 'sounds good' response. I could hear the reality behind the positive remark - I know that he wasn't good with his stuff getting packaged and put in a basement - and knew right away that he was feeling my distancing and 180. Perhaps, feeling my loss and his consequences.

Later that day, to confirm that my text hit him like a ton of bricks, I learned that he reached out to D with a 'woe is me' text. H said something about having broken down mentally a few times that day for the first time in weeks. It was a tough day but he's home and safe. What is D supposed to do with that? rhetorical.... I actually don't think she responded at all. (I know that I can't control the relationship between D and H.)

Thursday morning comes and I get a lengthy and detailed text from H that starts with "Good morning". Wow, Good morning? This is a surprise, a change.

H isn't sure if today is going to work bc he doesn't feel well. H provides me all sorts of details about how sick he was the night before & all of the symptoms he was feeling, but that he's headed to work. Really? I think to myself, for someone who has been dormant & distant, this is a lot of sharing.

I don't respond.

H sends a subsequent text 15 minutes later to inform me that he's not going to work. Rather, he's going back to bed. Again, strange to get a play by play of his morning - this is the life I lived for many decades but not the recent year.

Again, I don't quickly respond to his text. In this case, I was so confused behind his need to provide me with so much detail. He's been so secretive. Why now?

I finally respond with 'that s*cks. feel better'. It took hours to land on these words....

This morning, another text update from H. What? What's going on? H says, "I'm feeling better today. Made it to work." I still haven't responded.

Again, I want to celebrate the possible movement through this dark tunnel, especially since I (we all) know how hard it is to be a LBS through the uncertain no contact times. Vets have made it clear that I can't fix H bc I didn't break him. BUT, what do I do with this? What do I make of this?

And, I know in time, H will eventually come for his boxed belongings...whether this week or next. DnJ has mentioned that I shouldn't even be home when H comes by. Or, to be busy and preoccupied while he packs his stuff up. That's my plan. IF, and I know it's an IF, but a likely IF...H asks questions about why I packed his things, what is my reason?

Is it recommended that I respond with
- While I don't think D is the answer, I understand our marriage is over and am looking to heal for my next chapter.

Or

- I respect you and your decision to no longer be married. You've made it clear and I'm accepting of his wishes.

[Valeska19]

Thursday morning comes and I get a lengthy and detailed text from H that starts with "Good morning". Wow, Good morning? This is a surprise, a change.

H isn't sure if today is going to work bc he doesn't feel well. H provides me all sorts of details about how sick he was the night before & all of the symptoms he was feeling, but that he's headed to work. Really? I think to myself, for someone who has been dormant & distant, this is a lot of sharing.

I don't respond.

H sends a subsequent text 15 minutes later to inform me that he's not going to work. Rather, he's going back to bed. Again, strange to get a play by play of his morning - this is the life I lived for many decades but not the recent year.

Again, I don't quickly respond to his text. In this case, I was so confused behind his need to provide me with so much detail. He's been so secretive. Why now?

I finally respond with 'that s*cks. feel better'. It took hours to land on these words....

This morning, another text update from H. What? What's going on? H says, "I'm feeling better today. Made it to work." I still haven't responded.

Again, I want to celebrate the possible movement through this dark tunnel, especially since I (we all) know how hard it is to be a LBS through the uncertain no contact times. Vets have made it clear that I can't fix H bc I didn't break him. BUT, what do I do with this? What do I make of this?

You probably aren't going to my answer... but DO nothing. Keep the course.

Based on your old dynamic - H isn't used to MamaG taking care of herself... choosing herself. This throws him off. Long before he decides to make the shift towards you (if he decides that), he's going to test the waters. Right now - its a H's pity party with illness. Let's see what happens when you keep the course. My bet is that you are going to experience some anger with these new changes.

What LBSs seem to not understand is that their WAS also grieve the loss of the relationship. It may look a little different but they too go through their own little emotional rollercoaster ride. Some weeks they may be sweet and text more, other weeks - they may be mad as dirt and spitting fire.

It can be very hard to grasp the idea that the WAS can miss their spouse... and still move forward with the divorce. Because of this.. the LBS will create false hope. They see positives that may not really be there. Their guard comes down and their changes are challenged. And if the changes aren't for them... this is when they go back to their old selves.

This is why we say things like "believe nothing they say and half of what they do" or "don't backtrack on your hard earned changes"

Unfortunately one text message isn't a sign of anything. If/When your husband wants in the marriage - you will know. Until then - you stay the course.. because you are the prize and deserve a loving husband who wants to be with you. Hard stop.

This is a belief you never express to your H. This a belief that you tell yourself because YOU are the one that needs to believe it first. Only then can you teach others how to treat you.

And, I know in time, H will eventually come for his boxed belongings...whether this week or next. DnJ has mentioned that I shouldn't even be home when H comes by. Or, to be busy and preoccupied while he packs his stuff up. That's my plan. IF, and I know it's an IF, but a likely IF...H asks questions about why I packed his things, what is my reason?

Is it recommended that I respond with
- While I don't think D is the answer, I understand our marriage is over and am looking to heal for my next chapter.

Or

- I respect you and your decision to no longer be married. You've made it clear and I'm accepting of his wishes.

You say NOTHING. Don't engage.

You have made some good strides... but you still have so much work to do. In the beginning - it's a constant battle changing your behavior. If you aren't constantly checking yourself - you are likely just to answer the same way you did before this all happened.

You have to find inner peace with who you are becoming. If you are doing this in the hopes of your husband changing - you are gonna crack like an egg when he changes tactics and I promise you... he will.

[DnJ]

Hello MG

Aerators usually are screwed on. They may be a wee bit tight. A careful (so to not scratch the faucet) application of chanel-lock pliers, a nice twist counter clockwise, and they should loosen ease-pease.

V is spot on. H isn’t use to MamaG2.0. Stay the course MG.

'I boxed up your personal belongings....let's plan for Th night.' I got a quick 'sounds good' response.

Good for you.

I could hear the reality behind the positive remark - I know that he wasn't good with his stuff getting packaged and put in a basement - and knew right away that he was feeling my distancing and 180. Perhaps, feeling my loss and his consequences.

Be cautious here. Lots of mind reading going on by you. It pretty common for LBS. After all, a long marriage and knowing someone for such a while, one gets a pretty good read on their spouse. However, that’s with old H. This pod-person, MLC H, is a different cat. Do not fall into the mind reading trap. Simply read H’s words as written. No assigning emotions or motives to them.

IF...H asks questions about why I packed his things, what is my reason?

Is it recommended that I respond with
- While I don't think D is the answer, I understand our marriage is over and am looking to heal for my next chapter.

Or

- I respect you and your decision to no longer be married. You've made it clear and I'm accepting of his wishes.

Less is more with MLCers.

Both your statements are true and valid, and H will gloss over them and not really hear it. Remember, when you answer H’s questions, and only the ones you choose, you need not answer all, when you do answer - short, to the point, stick to the facts. Minimize trying to sway him or get him to see the light. He has to come to that on his own.

Lean towards not giving any reason. However, if you need to, “You moved out” should speak volumes methinks.

Take care MG,

D

[MamaG]

As the weekend wraps up, I'm reflecting on the busyness that I managed through. Frankly, it felt really good to GAL. Breakfast on Saturday with a friend. S and GF came for dinner Saturday night. I really miss cooking and entertaining...and with wonderful company. Just loved every second of it.

As I set out, I needed to get the power washer running. After making some effort in early June and failing, this was on my list of things to accomplish before heading back to work from being on medical leave. I did it. A few online videos, a little grease and some sweat but I got the thing running and I power washed for a few hours today. It felt great to do it on my own - well mom was here for company. H would always troubleshoot and get the washer going - never liked to start right up in the Spring. Then I'd jump in and wash things up. I wasn't sure I could start the thing but I was determined and succeeded. It feels so good. It also hit me and it was yet sobering to think that this may be my next chapter - outdoor house chores on my own. Sigh.

Aerators usually are screwed on. They may be a wee bit tight. A careful (so to not scratch the faucet) application of chanel-lock pliers, a nice twist counter clockwise, and they should loosen ease-pease. smile

I don't have aerators. Removing the screens require a key. Got the keys and need to get on that next weekend. The air in the pipes is better but that's not good enough for this girl.

Not reaching out to H has gotten easier. I still think about H several times a day and miss him. Tears still find their way down my cheeks. Not knowing what H is up to is disheartening but I trust that until H hits rock bottom and/or really feels my loss, I stand no chance at him scaling the wall back to reality. This gives me strength to DB. Meanwhile, it feels as tho I'm losing my love for him. I'm hopeful that I'm simply putting my love on a shelf but question the feeling that my love for H isn't quite so deep. Are the rose-colored glasses coming off or do we just not share moments/life that kept us so in love? Kept us intertwined? Kept us laughing? Sigh, again.

You probably aren't going to my answer... but DO nothing. Keep the course.

Based on your old dynamic - H isn't used to MamaG taking care of herself... choosing herself. This throws him off. Long before he decides to make the shift towards you (if he decides that), he's going to test the waters. Right now - its a H's pity party with illness. Let's see what happens when you keep the course. My bet is that you are going to experience some anger with these new changes.

Guess what I did? Nothing.

Saturday morning, H text (again) to tell me he was going to stop by to get some things on Sunday afternoon. Woah, day 3 in a row with a text from H.

Guess what I did with that text? Nothing. His text was presumptuous that he could come on Sunday afternoon. Like...I'm sitting here for him to come by. Or H cycled. Who knows?

I didn't respond to his text all weekend....and H didn't come by. No text. No visit.

What LBSs seem to not understand is that their WAS also grieve the loss of the relationship. It may look a little different but they too go through their own little emotional rollercoaster ride. Some weeks they may be sweet and text more, other weeks - they may be mad as dirt and spitting fire.

It can be very hard to grasp the idea that the WAS can miss their spouse... and still move forward with the divorce. Because of this.. the LBS will create false hope. They see positives that may not really be there. Their guard comes down and their changes are challenged. And if the changes aren't for them... this is when they go back to their old selves.

I know H is grieving me. H's look on his face a couple weeks ago when he saw me for the first time in 7 weeks said it all. I was cold and unwelcoming for the 2 minutes he stopped by. I still don't know of a PA and even question the EA at this point. I don't snoop so anything is possible but I genuinely think his limerant object is a combo of work, weed, alcohol, porn.Mostly distractions. I'm beginning to believe H is a fearful avoidant and has just gotten comfortable in his four walls and going to work. This will get old. I can't imagine it won't. Until then, H will live where I do not comfort him.

You have to find inner peace with who you are becoming. If you are doing this in the hopes of your husband changing - you are gonna crack like an egg when he changes tactics and I promise you... he will.

I sometimes wonder and believe there is a bit of both - doing it for me and doing it for his healing/return. With the support of this forum, I will not crack. Stick with me. I'm trying.

Be cautious here. Lots of mind reading going on by you. It pretty common for LBS. After all, a long marriage and knowing someone for such a while, one gets a pretty good read on their spouse. However, that’s with old H. This pod-person, MLC H, is a different cat. Do not fall into the mind reading trap. Simply read H’s words as written. No assigning emotions or motives to them.

This comment gave me pause. I didn't consider that my "knowing" H could lead to incorrect interpretation. Although in this case I was spot on since D got the 'woe is me' text that evening. That said, I'll have to watch for mind reading trap. Didn't realize that they aren't quite as predicting. Yes, they do and say strange things so it would make sense....just assumed that his reaction to me packing things for him couldn't mean "sounds good" to him.

Lean towards not giving any reason. However, if you need to, “You moved out” should speak volumes methinks.

So simple and direct - love it. Why can't I just keep it simple stupid (KISS)? I'm laughing and shaking my head all at once.

That's all for today. Off to the office tomorrow - back to real life.

Good night!

[MamaG]

H sent another text this morning..." Gm! if I get out of work at a decent time (which hasn't happened all summer) I'll stop over to get things." H must really want his belongings. That's F, Sat and today with similar outreaches to me for his things.

What did I do? Nothing

I've asked myself why don't I respond? What exactly is my reasoning? a boundary? no question therefore no response?

Coincidentally, H texted the kids today that he misses them. The kids too didn't respond. Hours later he told the kids that it's rude to ignore his texts....not sure if that generated any response from kids. H is laying in the bed he made and continues to make. Sigh (I take no pride in this).

Question on boundaries....to share or not to share.

After considering why I don't respond to H, I realize that there are a few drivers.
- I'm giving him the space he's asked for.
- I'm removing myself from the emotional harm's way that comes from breadcrumbing.
- I'm protecting myself from the emotional abuse derived from his coping mechanism. To prevent H from disrespecting me by leaving in the middle of a conversation or conflict, I just don't allow myself to engage.

How do you feel about me sharing my boundary when H asks me why I ignore him? If you're agreeable to me sharing the boundary out loud, is this what it should sound like?

H, I haven't engaged because it's never clear if a conversation will be completed or if you'll leave in the middle of it. Walking away is a form of emotional abuse that I won't tolerate.

[Valeska19]

After considering why I don't respond to H, I realize that there are a few drivers.
- I'm giving him the space he's asked for.
- I'm removing myself from the emotional harm's way that comes from breadcrumbing.
- I'm protecting myself from the emotional abuse derived from his coping mechanism. To prevent H from disrespecting me by leaving in the middle of a conversation or conflict, I just don't allow myself to engage.

How do you feel about me sharing my boundary when H asks me why I ignore him? If you're agreeable to me sharing the boundary out loud, is this what it should sound like?

H, I haven't engaged because it's never clear if a conversation will be completed or if you'll leave in the middle of it. Walking away is a form of emotional abuse that I won't tolerate.

I wouldn't share them. He will most likely use ammo against you. And frankly... it's none of his business anymore. He's fired you as his W - he doesn't get that kind of info.

If you want to allow him to come get his things - you could do something to control the situation to make it safer for you. You could set the time to make sure you aren't home therefore not engaging with him

If tonight works for you - you could say. "Ok. The available time I have is blank".

Or if tonight doesn't work - You could say.

"Tonight doesn't work for me. Times that work are these dates and these times."

Keep it short. And remember - just because he asks questions, doesn't mean you have to answer them. It's not about being rude. It's about setting the expectation that if he isn't going to respect your heart - he's not getting access to it.

[MamaG]

When you detach and distance yourself from your spouse, notice how they start coming around, being nice, etc.? Well, he/she feels that you are not pursuing them. They want the chase, they want you to pursue them so that they can come back and slam dunk you all over again. It's a dance of madness. They may not even be aware of what they are doing, but once you snap up the niceness all over again, they will most definitely come back w/anger to distance themselves from you again for their safety and security.

Man oh man, this is so spot on. I found myself reading this thread again and not only does it make sense, it is happening at this house. I may sound excited. In actuality, I'm more relieved that I didn't totally lose him from lack of responding. I know that if I reached out to a friend this much and didn't get a response, I wouldn't continue reaching out.

Got the morning text from H again that he'll come tonight. Valeska19, I took what you said into consideration and opted to not respond to H at all. This evening, I rec'd a text that tonight isn't going to work as he pulled his hamstring. (Life is really getting real for H. Feeling reality.) It feels horrible to not respond to H despite his many texts but as a result, H is relentless now with his outreaches. Do more of what works and less of what doesn't. I just counted 6 texts to me without a single acknowledgement nor response from me. I've asked myself, when will I respond to H?...I don't want to the "slam dunk". That's for sure.

D was harassed with numerous texts again today. H is trying very differently with her. There are questions about why she doesn't answer him. Comments about he'll always be her dad and that he loves her. Definitely different outreaches. (I'm at peace with this ... just an observation.)

Talked with S for an hour today. I'm so proud of him. He's approaching the close of his first year in his career and learned today that he's up for promotion. I love that he pursued the difficult engineering degree and stuck with it through COVID years. So proud of him. Looking forward to seeing him and GF this weekend as we celebrate my mom's bday.
 
For me, today was a day in the city to confirm that cancer hasn't returned. I'm happy to report that not only did I not get chauffeured by H (first time), but I also rec'd the best news - I'm cancer free. No better news could have been sent my way. Thank you God!

[DnJ]

Good Morning MG

Cancer free is very great news! Yay!

H sent another text this morning..." Gm! if I get out of work at a decent time (which hasn't happened all summer) I'll stop over to get things." H must really want his belongings. That's F, Sat and today with similar outreaches to me for his things.

H’s texts aren’t really about his belongings. It’s the dance.

My XW texts or calls the kids nonstop until they respond. As soon as they respond she has nothing to say and goes silent running again, for weeks or months.

What did I do? Nothing

Good. There was no question that needed an answer.

I've asked myself why don't I respond? What exactly is my reasoning? a boundary? no question therefore no response?

People will treat you as you allow them to.

Boundaries are your response to disrespectful behaviour. A response derived by your self confidence, self worth, self respect, and such.

Question on boundaries....to share or not to share.

A boundary can be implemented without ever verbally stating it. The message comes more from the action.

Boundaries need to be rock solid, for they will be tested. Let them test. Boundaries reflect one’s inner values and worth. Pretty easy once one’s realized, categorized, and organized their convictions. What they are truly standing for.

After considering why I don't respond to H, I realize that there are a few drivers.
- I'm giving him the space he's asked for.
- I'm removing myself from the emotional harm's way that comes from breadcrumbing.
- I'm protecting myself from the emotional abuse derived from his coping mechanism. To prevent H from disrespecting me by leaving in the middle of a conversation or conflict, I just don't allow myself to engage.

All valid and good.

H leaving mid conversation when things go against his narrative is rather childish. Alas, teenager H. Lots of growing up needed for that man.

How do you feel about me sharing my boundary when H asks me why I ignore him? If you're agreeable to me sharing the boundary out loud, is this what it should sound like?

H, I haven't engaged because it's never clear if a conversation will be completed or if you'll leave in the middle of it. Walking away is a form of emotional abuse that I won't tolerate.

If H continues to push for a reason why you are ignoring his texts/him, I’d likely state something clearly to him. Remove blaming him, and focus more on what he does and the action you’ll take.

A boundary template goes like: When you do ___, I feel/it is ___. Therefore, when you ___, I will ___.

H, when you leave in the middle of a conversation, it is disrespectful. Therefore, when you choose to walk away, I will not engage you.

Such will set the stage pretty clearly.

However, like I said, a boundary need not be spoken. Its message is stated by your actions. If you choose to tell H, do so only once. Repeating boundaries just waters them down.

D

[MamaG]

Over the last couple of weeks, H reached out 9 days post the last text...still about coming for 'his stuff' over the weekend. Yes, this dance continues. I didn't respond and here comes another text. H says, "And talk?"

Hmm...H hasn't been getting a reaction to coming to get his things, so H changes it up. H suggests....to talk.

I told him that late morning Sat or Sun works. That was it (as much as I wanted to ask when and what to talk about...).

I got nervous, excited, anxious, confused. Woah the emotions. After collecting myself, I read through some notes I've written and told myself that I won't talk nor fill in the dead air. I'm going to listen and validate. I knew this would be hard but I was determined as I knew this to be the recommendation from vets. Didn't sleep much that night.

Saturday comes and I get a text that "tomorrow will work better". Ok - I could've predicted that but was happy that he sent the text to keep me informed. I didn't respond.

That Sat night, I was made aware that H headed to a town playoff soccer game where H was surrounded by townies - friends and family...and families behaving like families. His job doesn't provide for this exposure/reminder, and H has been hunkering down with his depression-avoiding. I wonder how many people asked about us or for those who aren't aware of his decision to separate, how many asked about me. He sat with his sister and I prayed that she triggered him bc she is sooo much like his mom. Perhaps on some level, she did...as Sunday came and went and I rec'd no text about coming by. Perhaps H just continued to avoid, was scared/fear, emotions from being at game set him back.... Who knows?

I was informed that H continues to wear his wedding band - secretively, I love this and hope that it means something positive. His FB profile pics remains unchanged and is of him and I. And, still no indication of a PA. I'm still hoping this is a horrible transition and not crisis. How do I distinguish?

Tuesday comes and another text comes in - this is now 6 weeks of texting about the same topic. Not sure if you're all bored with this but I am flabbergasted. I know all too well that this isn't about getting his stuff - thanks DnJ for confirming the dance. (and sorry to hear that your kids are still getting the song/dance from their mom. It's crazy to think after all these years). Just sometimes wonder how he doesn't see that he's been needing things for 6 weeks and still hasn't gotten them...I would think H realizes that there is another reason for outreaches. When will he see this?

Long story short....I responded to Tuesday's text with what I would call a truth dart. "Late morning Sat and Sun worked. Tonight does not". H acknowledged text and hasn't reached back out. And, another 180 for me!

I'd like to think that H is seeing that he can't control/manipulate me anymore and that I'm not making time for him with excitement. I actually had plans but H would've gotten that response from me either way.

My son's GF has been staying with me which is nice company. Still I miss H at night (well all day). I really miss this man. Limboland is lonely and hard despite going to work and GALing to stay busy. Hard as it may be, I continue to let go and I'm pretty sure I've dropped the rope - still learning and grieving. Sometimes reluctantly. Logic from vets tells me to keep going and so I do.

H pursued D again - pretty aggressively with multiple texts and calls. This is the second time in a month where he's demanded that he be her priority out of nowhere. This time, he ended the stretch of calls/texts with a text that said he wouldn't reach out to her anymore. He was sad but if she doesn't want to stay connected, he'll respect her wishes. To date, he has. Could H be attempting reconnecting? Could he have seen another awakening? I read that suicidal thoughts can be signs of dips into depression. Could he have dipped a toe into depression before the withdrawal stage? (H did tell her that he had thoughts of the unspeakable for the first time in a long time. She didn't bite that bait either and I'm thankful it was bait and not real.)

Eventually H will come by for 'his things' and we talk - and by that, I mean he talks and I listen. How would vets feel about me providing an 'apology dump' within his talk? Meaning, I apologize for my side of the street with no expectations from him. Wonder if that would contribute to H seeing that I've reflected and made some changes; seeing that therapy helps; acknowledging that I really am a better/different person and not so scary to connect with.... 

[RegretfulLA]

Hi Mama,
CONGRATULATIONS on being cancer-free! I have been a survivor for 18 years. May you stay cancer free and never have to think about it again!

I feel like our situations are so similar - our H's are so similar - though you're much farther down the separation path, and I read your blog here for advice and support (my H will be moving out soon). I think you're doing an amazing job of handling this horrific situation. But look at you - you've learned to survive and thrive on your own, you've learned to stand up for yourself with H and you've learned to fix things too!!

I empathize with your feelings around H's texts. I also am tempted to "read in" to anything that H says or does. This morning H left early to go surfing and left me a note. This is unusual behavior from him - he normally just leaves. Last week I had a business trip to Chicago and he texted me to say "How is Chicago?" (not "how are YOU" but it was something. I replied with photos and that was it). It is a sad state of affairs that we have had to reduce our expectations to zero and any sort of normal communication becomes something to think about.

I also wanted to share a similar experience around being sick - around your bandaged arms. Of course we would want and expect H to ask what happened, to show concern, to help. I recently came down with the flu or something like it and was sick in bed for 2 days. Not once did H ask how I was feeling or offer to do anything helpful. Well, once, he did offer to refill my water and then left it downstairs. It's such a bad feeling when they can see that you are hurting and they just turn away. Do we feel worse for ourselves or worse for THEM to be in such a state?

I found it interesting that H chose to text you and D when he was sick... looking for a bit of sympathy... Good for you for not taking the bait. He needs to feel the reality of his choices. He has given up the rights to get any sort of sympathy or help from you. I am getting better at simply sitting back, shrugging, and saying nothing and I find that helps me feel better too.

Keep posting - I find that it helps to work things out in a safe space. Each day you are getting stronger. You have the love and support of your children, friends and family. Continue on your path - you are learning how to manage this situation and I am learning from your experience too.