Detaching & setting boundaries w/ clingy boomerang

[grok]

Feeling accomplished and proud that I continue to get through the heavy lifts and using the machinery left by H.
…
I used the backpack blower to blow leaves for a couple hours yesterday. Of course, the task required figuring out how to use the blower, how to start the stinker up and how to get it on my back to actually carry it around. That was interesting!

Well done!, on this and all the other tasks the male half usually does. All those physical and maintenance tasks that never end. I see you figuring it all out and getting it done as needed. We step out of the areas we are comfortable and confident in and learn all the other tasks. I’m on the flip side. I’m learning or brushing up on all the softer skills with children.

That said, I’ve almost always been better/more interested in cooking/baking and housekeeping than the XW. I think that aggravated her as she had this notion she wanted to be a housewife but didn’t actually like the work it took. I think it also aggravated her that I insisted she learn and be capable of all the tasks I normally did. I taught her lawn mowing, house maintenance, car maintenance, etc…. I wanted her to be confident and capable when I was unable to be present.

It's like a shedding of the past. Past life. Ways of life. Behaviors. Beliefs. I suppose, an 'out with the old and in with the new' concept. Bittersweet in many ways as I sit here and gaze at them trickling down. Enjoying the sight and thinking through the metaphoric shedding. As RegretfulLA would say, a new normal.

This has been sitting in one of my many bookmarked browser tabs. And yes, metaphors, leaves dying and falling away, bare and sparse branches seemingly dead, but life deep within waiting for the season to come back.

You need to be completely true to yourself, AS YOU ARE TODAY, and when it's time to take any action do so FREE FROM FEAR.

What do I mean, AS YOU ARE TODAY:
* grief changes you
* betrayal changes you and the dynamic of your relationship
* you know who you were when you were single
* you know who you were in your marriage
* figure out who you are NOW, post BD

THE ONLY WAY to figure that out is to put in the work: quiet, peace, prayer/meditation.

Deep work which requires time, effort and patience.

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2944361#Post2944361

Checked in with a few friends/family who live in Florida - everyone is safe. Properties, not so much. There is some upcoming cleanup.

Hey! I identify!

I must say that it was nice to pick some things out for myself. It has been a while....years.

Another common thread around here. In the M we get lost … and stop taking care of US. I know I did. Leaving myself behind in self sacrifice thinking I was giving to family.

Do I attend H's events if I'm invited. We'll see. Need to ponder this.

Yeah,… my former inlaws are out of state…but the same thoughts occur. They are NOT MY relatives anymore. She is THEIR daughter no matter her choices. They are MY CHILDREN’s grandparents. I have no answers now. I don’t need to answer now. Another day’s troubles. Not today’s.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Right back at you!

g

[MamaG]

Thanks for stopping by G. It was nice to read your thoughts on my sitch. I find myself reading my thread several times before I fully digest and accept and finally move through recognition of my own accomplishments/thoughts. Completion of tasks feels good in the moment but then I shift to the next thing rather quickly. Thanks for the pat on the back.

I've learned that I've lived for others and not considered my wants/needs for some time. I've also learned that buying myself stuff doesn't provide much of a dopamine rush. It's just another shirt....blah blah. Never been materialistic. Don't need for much. Quite some time ago, I learned that happiness doesn't come from things. Money doesn't buy love. I shine most when doing for others and giving to others. Even, being with others. My joys remain in people, company, togetherness. Surrounded by people is how I enjoy life and what it has to offer. This is also why I feel such a void with H being gone. H was a big part of my circle.

Last night was the big event - H's nephew's event with much of his family.

Once at the event, I knew where we always would congregate and so I walked in that direction. When I looked left to scour the stands for H's family, H was looking at me and we made eye contact. I went to say hello and helped myself to the seat next to him. Once S showed up an hour in, I invited him to sit between us and S did. I'm hopeful H got some relief from that as I wasn't sure if my natural instinct to sit next to him was his preference. And, then I realized that I may have put S in a icky spot - between his parents. I just couldn't win.

Family. Participating in H's family events is the big dilemma right now. I miss them terribly. Joining H's family yesterday felt great in the moment and then...a big kick in the pants as I left alone. It's ok - I can handle it. I've proven it to myself with how shockingly composed I was.

While H and I didn't exchange much conversation because I didn't initiate convo and we know H is still avoiding, it was like old times with the family. Everyone (except MAYBE H) seemed comfortable. We all laughed and enjoyed each other's company, 'as if' (? for some). While it was great in the moment, it wasn't so great walking to my car by myself. I'm left to continue pondering if it was smart to go. I know I was invited but I still question. More thinking to be done.

I've been invited to (H's family) events that I've declined and made it a point to ask about said events last night. Of course he was within hearing distance the whole time. Actually, I didn't realize how in tune I've been (or at least appeared) in each of their lives until these questions naturally came from my mouth.

In a short stint after my arrival, it was obvious to H that I've been staying connected to his family. I could see surprise in H. Confusion that I wasn't miserable nor tense. I imagine he was left with an impression on how his family rec'd me - warm hugs and smiles. H listened very intently to conversations; offered no commentary.

I modeled detachment with no bad vibes. I was genuinely happy and laughing the entire time. I gave off good aura. Quite surprised at how 'at ease' I actually was. Adrenaline? I felt high on life....no as if. Will this provide H with comfort to reach out? To talk? To anything? We'll see. Hopefully last night extended an olive branch to him...while that wasn't what I set out to do. In light of a couple attempts to 'talk' in the last couple of months, I'd love for H to see that I'm not scary to talk with. Time will tell.

On the inside, I wanted to jump in his lap and embrace him. I wanted to text him all day today. I want to invite him to dinner. H is my love whom I miss so dearly but continue to stay away from as he asked for space many months ago. I pray I'm doing the right thing because it doesn't feel right and it feels so raw again. (I keep telling myself this.)

Walking out, it was a mad rush to the exit. H behind me and still, we didn't engage. When I saw H's high school buddy ahead, I stopped in my tracks, looked back at him and said, 'It was so good to see you.' Staring into each other's eyes, he responded with, 'Yes, it was good to see you too.' and off we went on our separate ways. H didn't visit with friends for long bc a couple minutes later, H (alone) went to restroom that I stood outside of waiting for S. I left before H came out. I'm not even sure that his response is something I can trust as I know they lie. Yet, I feel like saying it out loud will be words he may replay in his head.

H and S talked through the event. They seemed to catch up and enjoy each other's convo. I loved it. On one occasion, H leaned around S and called for me by name. H asked me a question. I provided a response with some detail and returned to my convo with H's cousins who were on my other side. No pressure from me.

Detaching and jumping off the roller coaster has been effective for my emotional self. But I'll tell you that the minute my eyes landed on H, I was madly in love with him again. Those shelved feelings rushed to the surface. I imagine H saw it. If I could read H, he was wondering if I would ignore him or sit next to him. Perhaps a bit of nervousness that was relieved as I approached. H moved in a bit to make room for me and all.

Yes, H is still wearing his wedding band. Yes, H still lives down the street and rarely reaches out. Yes, H is still quiet, reserved, unsure. Yes, H is confused about how this will all play out. Yes, H hasn't reached out in a long time.

Yes, I was gaining strength and sleeping well. Last night and today - not so much.

One step forward and two steps back.

Do I continue to resist temptation to not reach out for a friendly engagement? Offer myself some psychological flexibility? I'm self-disciplined and practicing restraint but will follow recommendations.

[DnJ]

Good Morning MG

Well done at the event. (And life. You are rocking it. )

I pray I'm doing the right thing because it doesn't feel right and it feels so raw again. (I keep telling myself this.)

You are doing fine. And yes, it does feels counterintuitive.

Do I continue to resist temptation to not reach out for a friendly engagement? Offer myself some psychological flexibility? I'm self-disciplined and practicing restraint but will follow recommendations.

Continue as you are. Living, loving life.

You did extend a friendly olive branch to H. He has to be ready and willing to reciprocate. If he is/does, if he isn’t/doesn’t, keep walking your path. Kind cordial. Better not bitter. Focusing on you. Allowing H time and space to decide his course - respond/reach out or continue to avoid.

(His is a slow path. Soooo slow.)

D

[RegretfulLA]

Hi Mama -
Just wanted to give you some encouragement -

How lucky you are to have so much wonderful family around - even if some are his family. They have become your adopted family over time. I love that. My H has two younger half siblings (they are like 20 years younger than us) and it has really made the family stuff a lot of fun over the years.

And good for you for treating yourself! I have to remember to do that too. I've been so focused on my budget that I'm loath to do anything nice for myself, but this week I bought a blouse and some shoes. Yes, money and things don't buy happiness, but looking good is a confidence booster for sure!

You're also lucky to have a church and a community that you're part of. I'm not religious so that's not much of an option for me, but I envy those who have that nice community. I'm finding that a lot of my empty nester friends are kind of struggling with this. We had our communities mostly through our children and one day that goes away. Even harder when we find ourselves without a partner. I've been thinking a lot about how to find a community and how I want to spend my time so that it counts for something.

It sounds like your nephew's event was a lot. Hard to be in the same space with H but it sounds like you did just fine. I'm sure he was nervous about it too. He seems very conflicted. I think that at some point this will get easier, even if it's hard now.

Keep doing what you are doing, my friend!

[RegretfulLA]

OH AND HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

[MamaG]

R - thank you for the early bday wishes. Remember that my family celebrates everything and everyone! It keeps us really closely tied. D & S are planning a family celebration next month. Should be fun.

You're also lucky to have a church and a community that you're a part of. I'm not religious so that's not much of an option for me, but I envy those who have that nice community.

I'd love for you to have a community that you belong to. It's never too late to try out a religious community if there are options around you. You may be pleasantly surprised. I've found that my religion has carried me through H's crisis.

Earlier this week, the oldest dog used his voice to announce an intruder - the mailperson was approaching our door. lol Having my attention, I looked and saw that she was looking for my attention. My mind began to wander. What could possibly have been mailed that requires a signature? I looked quickly and saw that it was addressed to H. Phew, a sigh of relief... I really thought THE papers had been mailed. Afterall, it's been since May that H and I have interacted. Anything is possible.

Although I've not reached out to H, for this, I felt that I had to. It's the business side.

M: I signed for a certified mailing for you. (I also sent him a photo of the envelope, so he knew who sent the letter.)
H: Thanks can I stop by tomorrow to get it (H is now ASKING to stop by. Throughout the summer months, H would TELL me he was going to stop by for his things. Is he lightening up on his control measures??)
M: Yes
H: I'll stop right after work

Next day:
H: Not going to make it. Is tomorrow, ok?
M: Would you rather I just open it and send you a picture? (I don't want to play this game for another few days and felt this approach would be welcomed. I was mistaken.)
H: No tomorrow is fine
M: I've got plans tomorrow night
H: Thursday? (Again, I don't want to play this game for the next few days nor make myself readily available.)
M: Are you working Saturday or can we do breakfast?
H: I can do that

I'm not holding my breath but would really love to know where his head is. Attending the event last week surfaced feelings and curiosity in me that I haven't been able to shake. If breakfast happens, I will listen and not initiate R talk! None of us are hearing from H much. And with ADs in August, I suspect he may have begun facing demons. Ahh, the inner work. I've been suspecting H has entered depression/withdrawal stage. I'd love to confirm.

This upcoming Monday provides for a pitch double header. We'll be playing 10 games due to a conflict this week - our opponent couldn't make it. Ten games is a lot of pitch, especially for a work night. Perhaps brother and I will catch dinner and a drink in between games. Looking forward to the potential 5 hours of cards.

I'm getting more comfortable hanging out with myself although I know that I need to get out and be an adult, too. I try to secure dinner plans once a week with different friends and another night with mom/dad. Last week, I had dinner with a couple girlfriends from elementary school. This week, I enjoyed dinner with D and BF. As usual, I sent her off with groceries and some meals which she appreciates. Next week's dinner will be with work friends which lends itself to being covered by the company. Working for corporate America has its perks.

On that front, as a large corporation, we host fairs where other companies visit to promote their goods or services. Each table/booth will offer gadgets with their company logo. Through the years, the family enjoyed going through the bag of goodies that I would bring home. Having attended a fair this week, I shared my goodies with D and BF when they were here for dinner. It's funny to watch D still get excited and now BF is sharing in the excitement, too. From bandages and pill boxes to stress balls to cutting board and chip clips to travel nail kits. Some goodies are really cool, while others are not as practical, but I bring them home anyway to share in some laughs. Sometimes, they surprise me with excitement when I'm expecting the laugh. This week's favorite gadget - the toothpaste tube squeezer. They don't like wasting any toothpaste. Interesting that they didn't seem to mind it when I was supplying the toothpaste.

S works a lot of hours. S travels a lot for his company and doesn't live down the street. I'm missing my boy. Adult kids and an empty nest have brought some sadness that I'm still working through.

MG

[DnJ]

Good Morning MG

Did H make it to breakfast on Saturday? How did it go? Did he get his parcel?

Enjoy your ten games of pitch today. And dinner with brother.

I could use a toothpaste squeezer.

I too found my kids are more thoughtful and less wasteful now that they are the ones providing.

Have a great day. (Oh my, five hours of cards on a weeknight. lol.)

D

[MamaG]

H made it to breakfast and he got his parcel. Here is a summary of the couple hours.

10/26: met for breakfast

1. I felt myself cycling rapidly in front of H – likely visible to him too.
- Shared I was nervous to be there and didn’t know if I was going to stay long. Saying these words caught him (and me) by surprised. I told him I wasn’t hungry (I’m ALWAYS hungry.)
- After sitting, I stared at him for a bit, speechless, and then one of us broke a smile followed by the other smiling. I wasn’t sure what either of us were doing – I then realized that in my mind I was telling him I missed him and loved him but was very confused and ready to walk (that stare was quite informing as I acknowledged my emotions. Not sure what he was thinking).
- In moments, I felt detached as I provided some blank stares (STFU smoothies were delicious) and some truth darts throughout
- Told him he was unreliable and he immediately nodded and said he could understand as he hadn’t been showing up. I was impressed
- I told him that I changed jobs and he was visibly upset, confused. He asked why I didn’t tell him. My facial expressions may have said it all but I followed it up with “You moved out.”

2. I saw/felt some empathy in him? feelings?
- He asked how I was doing? Sometimes does but he seemed to actually want to know this time. I didn’t offer much but engaged a tad.
- He asked about dogs – when I didn’t share enough, he probed about dogs again
- No questions about kids
- Told me D doesn’t talk to him and doesn’t want to go to his house. I reminded him that they’re both adults and need to sort it out on their own
- I observed that he could ‘read the room’. He knew I wasn’t comfortable being there and visibly tried to bring easy topics to surface after talking about how things have been and I wasn’t completely sharing.
- He shared that he feels better now that he’s not being judged. He can wear what he wants, do what he wants – described teenager life without having to report back.

3. H shared all his recent aches/pains – he’s often nauseous and sprained this, twisted that, etc. (Is this what deep depression feels like?)
- He told me in July that he was sick for 2 days – happens to be the 2 days after I told him I packed up his stuff and it’s in the basement
- Sick this past Th/F – happens to be the 2 days between when I invited to breakfast and the day of breakfast with me

4. H told me a few things I knew but I didn’t lead onto knowing:
- On A/Ds; not numb but they’re helping him

H: What kind of A/Ds do you take?
M: I’m not depressed; I’m healed – this was alarming to him. No A/Ds here.
H: Oh
M: I needed to heal and move on so I did that over the last 5 months. I’m healed now.
H: I don’t drink as much – I only had x and y yesterday but nothing else all week.
M: I don’t drink.
H: At all?
M: No.

- Got a dog

H: I rescued a dog. Details, details about dog and the rescue were provided.
M: That’s great. Can’t believe people treat pets that way.
H: I know. She’s so great. Her name is C and I gave her a bit of a haircut yesterday. (He proceeded to show me a pic with extreme excitement, like a kid in a candy shop.)
M: That’s great. (I was passive in response. He was disappointed that I didn’t take greater interest. Stared at the pic on his own for a bit and then put his phone down.)

- Went to SC and a concert – so I wasn’t sure but already had a suspicion since I knew EA went to SC for a concert over summer. BUSTED, but I didn’t say anything.

H: What about you? What have you been up to?
M: I went to SC this summer and attended a concert.
H: Me too. (I could see the immediate connection he felt and interest in sharing. I sat back and just stared at him for what felt like minutes but likely 10 seconds. My instinct was to drink the STFU smoothy and see if he’d come clean. Nope.)
M: I also did X while in SC (I returned to my story and didn’t share who I went with. H didn’t ask.)

5. I told him I will not abandon him ever and I know he’ll never abandon me (ummm. he has but it felt right to say)

6. H suggested we talk tomorrow on a hike

I put $20 on the table and began to pack up. H said he would cover breakfast. We went back and forth a bit and I then grabbed the $20 back. We walked out. I went in for a hug and off we went our separate ways.

What do you make of this all? Where did I DB? Where did I not DB? I feel like I provided a mixed bag of thoughts - which certainly matched my insides. lol

As I lay my head down on Saturday night, I'm unsure of how I feel although I know that I miss him. I'm unsure of what to do now? Where is his head? What's he really been up to?.....

Really need everyone's advice....

MG

[MamaG]

I wasn’t sure what either of us were doing – I then realized that I was telling him I missed him and loved him but was very confused and ready to walk (that stare was quite informing as I acknowledged my emotions. Not sure what he was thinking).

This was not verbalized. I felt it.

[DnJ]

Hi MG

I added “in my mind” to your statement in the original post. Does that reflect it more accurately?

It’s late here. I’ll post more later. Need sleep. lol.

D