My BD was in 2009. I joined DB in 2011. At time of bomb, D13, S11, D9, D6
What brought me here are my thought about the whole thing.
I witnessed both side. I divorced my MLCer, my friend did not.
My ex-h is really sick. Uncontrolable diabities with kidney disease. He is on the verge of dialisis. He made amand with everybody but me. He might have tried on several occasion but i shut him down quickly. Over the years, i got many unexpected calls from him proclaming he truely loves me. ( At least 15 to 20 calls) My responses were: 1 " you don' t know what love is." 2. "you love noone. Not even yourself". 3. Don' t say you love me when you have another woman in your life" 4. "Show me"
I would not have any interaction with him for months and all of a sudden, i would get these calls. He would not say anything else.. It did not make sense to me. He is still working. ( we think he might of gotten a promotion to detective at some point but we are not sure.) Our kids are now adults. Only one is attending University with 1 year left to do. All 3 older are set in their field, home owners and doing really well. I' m very proud of them. They have a relationship with their father but don' t take bs from him. Ex-h has been with W? ( lost count..lol ) for the past 5 years. Their relationship has been rocky all along.
As for me, i' m a 53 yr old empty nester who is filling the void with puppies.. I own 3 chihuahuas and a maltice- terrier. I breed 2 of my chihuahuas. I have 5 1week old puppies at the moment. I am single by choice. Not interested in any kind of relationship. My life is quiet and peaceful.
My friend' s MLCer.. She is a very good friend of mine who was also a co-worker. She opened up to me about her husband' s problem. Midlife script.. She did not know why, where it came from, how he could be like this etc.. They went to marriage councelling and stayed together. Her husband has gain a huge amount of weight, chronic depression, no interest, not a care in the world. My friend is overwelm.. wondering if she did the right thing. She does EVERYTHING as if she was alone. She gets angry at him for not assuming his responsabilities. As i said, he does not care.. Their marriage ended prior to councelling, eventho they are still together.
MLC changes everybody.. the MLCer, the left behind, the families and friends, all aspect of the life you once knew. We don' t get through it, we learn to live a different life.
That' s my thoughts for now.
Last edited by exquisitetobe; 06/29/2402:27 AM. Reason: Completed a sentence
Welcome back! I am glad to see that you are doing well and have enriched your life with puppies! They love unconditionally and I am sure you adore all of them.
Sorry to read that your xh is having major health issues. Many of them end up with health issues because they did not take care of themselves while on the Mother Ship.
Your friend will learn that you cannot "expect" them to assume responsibilities. He's acting out and as you stated, he doesn't care right now.
You are a good friend and I know that you will listen to her and help her better understand that there is absolutely nothing she can do to help him and/or put him back together again.
I hope that you will return and post again. Take care.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Job! I am reluctant to post to others. Most people come on here in hope of salvaging their marriage.
I came to try and understand what has happened and what MLC is. As you know from my story, my goal was to separate safely. I had a good discussion with Vanilla ( past poster) about my story. I had told her that i saw borderline personality disorder in ex-h. She replied : " no, i see psychopathy. He hurt you with the intent of doing so. I feared for my life on many occasion. I posted here because ex-h was a wonderful husband and father for many years . Very loving and caring. This other side of him made me question myself, my sanity, my judgement and my beliefs..
To tell you the truth, i still don' t understand any of it. Even 15 yrs later, i can' t make sense of it.
I understand what you are saying. We may never understand all of what transpired with them. They become totally opposite of the people we knew for a while and then some revert back to their old selves while others return, but also bring along some of the "new" personality traits.
It is difficult to try to figure out if it is a personality disorder or something else because they exhibit many different traits during the crisis.
For many years, MLC was not talked about, i.e., people just sort of avoided conversations about it. I think one of the reasons that we see more and more of this happening is because people are living longer and people, now, are likely to talk about it more openly.
I read everything I could find, spoke to professionals, as well as people who had gone through a crisis, and I will never have all of the pieces to the puzzle. I still stumble across info that makes me sit and think about all of the good people who have to deal with this each and every day.
Do not feel bad about not understanding MLC. You are a survivor! Please, please never doubt yourself. You know what is true life and what is memorex.
I am glad that you are okay and continue to move forward.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am reluctant to post to others. Most people come on here in hope of salvaging their marriage.
I’m one of them. And yet. And yet. I have to save myself first. I have to understand more of the reality to do either.
Originally Posted by exquisitetobe
I came to try and understand what has happened and what MLC is.
This.
Though my story is not like yours… at the details… yet many of the bigger themes remain the same. They all point to working on yourself. You can’t fix the other person. Don't try and use logic on their choices. The timelines are very long.
g
H:54 W:50 D19, D17, S12 ILYBINILWY 3/23 DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23 DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-5 & W moves out 8/23 – 3/24 Settlement signed 5/24, Court date 9/11 <-
I was reading other treads and it brought back some details i paid attention to in my story and others. The MLCer seem to know what he wants, when he wants it and seem to have control. They push us away than pull us abit just to push us away again. One thing i noticed is : once we put a stop to this and take control of our own life, they get scared. They do not understand why we no longer reach out to them.
If we start hanging around with other singles, they get very angry, mean or make their presence seen.. ALOT
I see this alot. I use to say: " They don' t want us but they won' t let us go."
They really want us to sit and wait.
This might make people think: MLCer made a CHOICE but you also have a CHOICE. Some want their cake and eat it to. You can wait it out with no garanty of return or you can concentrate your time on yourself. Make peace with the whole situation.
Ex-H wanted a divorce. When i gave it to him, he was very angry. Once we finalized it, he burned his copy.. He has kept my ring. ( still has it ). He visits my sister and brother-in-law regularly. Because of this, i don' t visit them much. My sister told me they were nice to him so that he would not cause me trouble.. ???
Keep in mind that i did not reach out to them when Ex-H became scary. I talked to my best friend, my lawyer, my councellor and came on here. I did not want to bring my problems to others.
Hi Exquisite, I'm rarely here these days, so just now seeing your post. It's good to read what you're up to and how your life is now.
I used to need to know the meaning or reason for something. If I could understand the why, I reasoned, then it would be easier to let it go and move on.
That's BS. My need to know was an attempt to control an outcome. Deep down I thought that if I could understand the why, then I would be better able to protect myself from it ever happening again.
That's not how life works.
I'm now someone who no longer needs to understand MLC, and I'm someone who is grateful every day that I no longer need to understand it.
It is what it is.
The gift is that I've found great peace in not needing to understand any of it.
The energy I used to spend on trying to understand it is now spent on creating what I want in life. It's been a slow process for me, but progress nonetheless.
I'm glad you and your kids are doing well!
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
