I know it doesnt matter now because its the past but i wonder where would i be at right now if we dint have that argument.
You’d be right where you are now.
It wasn’t about the Christmas cards. If you hadn’t ever mentioned the Christmas card, something else would have triggered that blow-up. Even if you had played it perfectly by DB rules, she would have engineered something to create that argument.
It’s not helpful to look back with “what ifs”. I used to do that… “what if five years ago, I hadn’t said this or that”
The answer is - I might still be married to a witch and wouldn’t have met someone a thousand times better! One day (whether you reconcile or not), you’ll actually be glad about the Christmas Card argument.
A fundamental concept here is that you didn’t break them, you can not fix them.
Do you have an EAP you can reach out to? They might be able to provide some help around your depressive episodes. Or even see your local doctor for a chat? Not sure where you are, but in Australia, your doctor can organise six free mental health consults with a psychologist paid for by the government.
Even just some simple sleep hygiene, some mindfulness and increasing your exercise regime can really help with episodic acute depression.
