Grief and Gratitude, Grok - Shifting

[DnJ]

Good Morning g

Nice to see W found/figured out the schedule without too much fuss.

Unfortunate your AC quit working. The symptoms you describe certainly sounds like a blown starting capacitor. A locked rotor condition would cause substantial heating of the motor and its windings. Usually such a condition would operate some protective device - fuse, circuit breaker, and such. Perhaps that particular motor has resettable overloads. The high current heats the tripping element, and shuts off the feed. The motor and circuitry cools a bit, the overload resets, reenergizing the motor, and starts the locked rotor process over again.

Sounds like you have proper replacement parts coming to get the AC up and running in short order.

She’s smart and has been down this troubleshooting with me before. ”Dad, let’s check the condensation outlet overflow pan first. Since if it gets full it trips the safety cut off.”

I like her troubleshooting mindset.


As for STBXW,

For what’s it’s worth, keep to your side of the street with the alimony payments and if W wants to send you extra funds, so be it. There are many soon to ex-spouses, or ex-spouses, that will go through a “generous” period. A time where they try to alleviate their guilt and shame. It usually doesn’t last too long. Sounds like she is well into it. Even offering to get her offer notarized or drafted by a lawyer. For whatever her reasoning (and that word is used rather lightly here) she feels it important that you believe her and her sincerity in this.

I would suggest simply reply: Thank you. I will remain on schedule.

I’d touch base with your L, just to ensure no future problems can arise with this gifting and paying funds to you. You may indeed have to claim such as income and pay some tax; not at the top of the list of terrible problems.

I do empathize g. I am a recipient of that weird generosity. Feelings, like guilt, will stir and float about. You know there is/was no coercion, no strong-arming, nothing like that. And you know you cannot control her. Allow her do as she will. Use the extra funds for the kids. Not to worry, there are plenty of expenses with kids. Lol!

Hope the AC is back up and running soon.

D

[grok]

AC and Quick update for now

for STBXW's response needs its own post. I did send her "Thank you. I will remain on schedule. Also, received a charge of $120 for XYZ.com. Is this your subscription?"

I did not reply. I have been stopping my logic and need to explain. To try and fix faulty thinking. I know her response is based on emotion...how she FEELS right now. I'm working on not letting it occupy my head and heart space or disturb my peace. Application is always different than intellectual knowledge!

Secondary project. WHY do her responses trigger certain responses in me?

DnJ, I'm glad to see your analysis matches mine. Always validating to see someone agreeing! The motor does have thermal protection circuits. And going WAY back with EMEC and building design factors classes ...most of these should be induction motors (starter cap is a big clue) which will certainly overheat due to high current when stopped.

The AC is back up and working. I decided to try replacing the starting capacitor first as it was the most likely failure point. And it is the easiest to replace...in the rain...LOL. Sure enough, it started up and took the next six hours to cool the house down. It was still working this morning. I'll replace the fan blades when that part comes in and hold the contactor and new motor for a week, just in case, before returning.

Peace of mind while I am gone next week.

On having a L

Since I convinced STBXW to go the fully mediated route through a neutral L, I don't have one on retainer. This is my attempt to minimize cost. To use one where warranted. Where I need to check for known unknowns and unknown unknowns. I have used one recommended by a friend for review of the Marital Settlement and Parenting Plan. He pointed out areas of risk and implications of various choices I could make. He complimented me on putting the children first. Once or twice in 30 years had he seen an ex-spouse allowed back in a home to keep the kids stable. Cake eating? Reduction in consequences? Maybe.

Though it is uncontested, and the terms are fully agreed, I am considering if I should have the L represent me on the court date. A fully agreed package is supposed to be pro forma, as the court has better things to do with their time. but still.....

realization

This is the first time I've used the term STBXW. Huh. I'll have to think on why.

g

[DnJ]

Good Morning g

Glad it was a capacitor. Easier repair and back up and running.

The secondary project, the realization, you’re doing well my friend.

I’m on a 6500km road trip / vacation with my Mom and Aunt. It’s to attend a funeral/memorial of another Aunt, and grew into a time away journey as well. Pretty grateful the AC works as it is blazing hot.

Well, off for another day of driving. Take care,

D

[grok]

Safe travels DnJ. That is a long trip...though can be quite enjoyable with good company and fun stops! Sometime I'll have to tell the tale of how my W got her minivan...while on a family road trip from SE USA to NE USA and back again.

Haven't made time yet to write out the latest back and forth with STBXW. Oddities, concerns, and I am definitely on shore trying to be a lighthouse while she is definitely in that rowboat in the waves...

Weekend plans

Prepping today with S12 and D17 for the beach tomorrow morning. Have to go early to get a parking spot. And before it gets too hot. D19 is out tonight on her side gig watching 4 kids for the evening ... after a full day's work.

Quotes

I've been pondering this a bit, since I saw it on X in my feed.

GK Chesterton - What’s Wrong With the World - Chapter 7

"The principle is this: that in everything worth having, even in every pleasure, there is a point of pain or tedium that must be survived, so that the pleasure may revive and endure. The joy of battle comes after the first fear of death; the joy of reading Virgil comes after the bore of learning him; the glow of the sea-bather comes after the icy shock of the sea bath; and the success of the marriage comes after the failure of the honeymoon. All human vows, laws, and contracts are so many ways of surviving with success this breaking point, this instant of potential surrender.

In everything on this earth that is worth doing, there is a stage when no one would do it, except for necessity or honor. It is then that the Institution upholds a man and helps him on to the firmer ground ahead. Whether this solid fact of human nature is sufficient to justify the sublime dedication of Christian marriage is quite an other matter, it is amply sufficient to justify the general human feeling of marriage as a fixed thing, dissolution of which is a fault or, at least, an ignominy. The essential element is not so much duration as security. Two people must be tied together in order to do themselves justice; for twenty minutes at a dance, or for twenty years in a marriage In both cases the point is, that if a man is bored in the first five minutes he must go on and force himself to be happy. Coercion is a kind of encouragement; and anarchy (or what some call liberty) is essentially oppressive, because it is essentially discouraging. If we all floated in the air like bubbles, free to drift anywhere at any instant, the practical result would be that no one would have the courage to begin a conversation. It would be so embarrassing to start a sentence in a friendly whisper, and then have to shout the last half of it because the other party was floating away into the free and formless ether. The two must hold each other to do justice to each other. If Americans can be divorced for “incompatibility of temper” I cannot conceive why they are not all divorced. I have known many happy marriages, but never a compatible one. The whole aim of marriage is to fight through and survive the instant when incompatibility becomes unquestionable. For a man and a woman, as such, are incompatible."

g

[grok]

What goes on in G’s head, but he stays in STFU / dark mode
- Subtitle, G’s irritation is let out here

Ok, attempt at paraphrasing the next set of interactions

Part 1

Remember this comes after W messages that
1) she is sending back the first two alimony amounts and wants me to apply them to the car (hers) loan I assumed as part of the settlement.
2) wants a different lawyer than the mediator we used so as to “give you back all money that you consider yours. If that is all nearly $xxx,xxx, then every last cent”. meaning the 50% (almost 7 digits) of our net worth….

I’ve never considered any but 50% as mine. We never had a separate hers and mine. Everything has been joint.

Part 2

G, “Thank you. I will remain on schedule.
Also, I was billed $xxx for yyy.com.  Is this one of yours?”

W’s paragraphs reply shortened to:
- yes, for my gig work
- I will go back to the RV and update
- $xxx can be from over-repayment above
- $xx can be from the ~$xxxx I paid for kids school

G thinks, and stays in STFU mode.
- What it was for didn’t matter, I just wanted to know if it was W’s, fraud, or something of mine I had forgotten about.
- Why would you go back to the RV now to update it?
- I wasn’t asking for repayment.
- I know you purchased S12’s and D17’s textbooks since they arrived at my home.
- You never told me how much $$ of direct school expenses you paid or for what.
- I can’t reimburse you without knowing what you spent.

You see, even before working on a settlement, I said I would pay all kids customary direct costs for school, etc. It is codified in the settlement. All the kids automatic billed stuff comes to me. Every time she has let me know of an expense, I have paid it. No questions. No complaints. I never had expectations of her paying for the children… how is this any different? Peace of mind coming from accepting 100% responsibility for my children. No expectations of W. I’ve seen and heard the unhappy hearts that come from disputes over child support.

Part 3

Continued paraphrased W’s long paragraphs broken apart interspersed with G’s thoughts from inside STFU mode (no actual replies). A little venting here.

W - Let’s not do tit for tat. Just tell me if my expenses. It’s not on purpose.
G - Um, I wasn’t tit for tat. I noticed when checking the card charges this week. A few days later when I wasn’t busy with other things I asked politely if it was your expense.

W - I am paying $2,xxx / month for kids’ expenses, lots of gas.
G - WT*?! Are you spending on? They live 100% with me. D19 pays most of her own share now, part of giving her the safety of home while practicing what it takes to be on her own. They and I go shopping anytime they need clothes, supplies, etc. Everything a home provides I pay for. I pay for D17s sports. And on. Also, gas? You spend on gas because of where you chose to live. Your choice of how much to drive back and forth. Echos from DB forums on accountability for choices and kryptonite

W - D17 doesn’t make her own food to sports and work and I pay the bill.
G - F’n parent up W. That is your choice, not child support. Tell her no, you will not take her out to eat after every single morning gymnastics practice And every single evening work schedule. You can pack a lunch box and so can D17. The fridge and pantry is stocked full.

W - state child support and alimony rules are screwy, though we don’t make them. Child support should be shared the best we can
G - We came to a fair agreement. I pay you a large chunk every month for 18 months to cover both. I only pay at all because we agreed to continue home school and you claimed to be unable to do much work when doing so.

W - I don’t ask for even a tiny bit of expenses the kids cause because asking “may I” is crazy. I don’t care about the agreement.
G - *frustration*. It’s not asking for permission if I already agreed to it. Where does this come from? I just need minimal accountability of telling me how much and for what. Every time you told me of an expense, I have reimbursed with no comment.

W - I don’t mind paying kids expenses. We are sharing kids 50/50, so I don’t mind paying as much as I can. God will provide.
G - I’m providing, still. You have been living primarily off savings/investments I earned for OUR FUTURE. I’ve sent alimony payments to provide as agreed. You JUST SENT THEM BACK!…to pay off a low interest car loan early. Backwards of what any financial advisor would tell you. 50/50? This summer you average 2 or 3 hours each week day with them. You set up your place as so uninviting to them, the kids have not gone over of their own will.

W - I don’t mind helping with the house. I cleaned up the back yard last month and trimmed up the hedges today. let me know if that eases the burden and what else since I am using your space.
G - So….this is … new. Those were misc things that didn’t need doing right now. But you don’t pick up after yourself in the home when there. You don’t take care of your rabbit. Or take it to your place as you promised 4 times. You haven’t touched your stuff taking up half the garage or half the “den” area in months. But the hedges? Oh, and using “my space?” No, you are in my HOME.

W - I will be showing S12’s school for accountability now. Feel free to let me know if you have concerns.
G - Um, OK. I’ve been observing without expectations. Having plans no matter which way you turn out.

Part 4, Next day

W - I’d like to take S12 two states up in early Aug. to see his friend X before the school year.
G - Hmmmm, I have no issue with the trip. This is a ~12 hour drive. Proposed dates are 4 days. S12’s friend X used to be somewhat close but hasn’t been for years. Missing some logic here. Mind reading other motives. Friend X’s mom was one of W’s friends who left her husband. This guy had some real issues. i.e. kids could go visit if W’s friend was the adult in charge, but not if he was. I know, not just think, W and her conferred on divorce and how much happier it was to meet a new man to fill her needs.

To respond
After all that, I haven’t replied yet. Short Simple Business Maybe:

“I have no conflicts with those dates.”

The rest? Seems to be low energy passive aggressive spew. Seems kind and logical at the surface…until you look underneath and know the rest of the story.

Next I need to tell her I’m taking the kids to the west coast to visit my family for a couple weeks in early Sept. And ask if she will take care of the animals while we are away.

Maybe:

“I’ve planned the usual annual trip to visit my family from x-x Sept. Will you be able to take care of our animals for these dates?”

What do you all think?


g

[MamaG]

Hi G!
I often see advice for how to respond to myself and don’t want to send you down the wrong path.

I’m stopping in to say hello. Our timelines are similar, but have certainly taken different paths.This is such a hard road. You seem to navigate the waters well. From my seat, you are very mature, a good dad, and levelheaded. You work hard and keep your head high. You may not know it, but from time to time I look to your posts for a role model. Reading your quotes and listening to how you handle life inspires me to do better. I can see myself in your situation. I also am a leader in IT. I need to keep it together by day. Sometimes it’s just exhausting to stay together when I come home. You handle yourself well and with grace. Your kids are very lucky to have you. Hang in there.

[Valeska19]

What goes on in G’s head, but he stays in STFU / dark mode
- Subtitle, G’s irritation is let out here

Ok, attempt at paraphrasing the next set of interactions

Part 1

Remember this comes after W messages that
1) she is sending back the first two alimony amounts and wants me to apply them to the car (hers) loan I assumed as part of the settlement.
2) wants a different lawyer than the mediator we used so as to “give you back all money that you consider yours. If that is all nearly $xxx,xxx, then every last cent”. meaning the 50% (almost 7 digits) of our net worth….

I’ve never considered any but 50% as mine. We never had a separate hers and mine. Everything has been joint.

Part 2

G, “Thank you. I will remain on schedule.
Also, I was billed $xxx for yyy.com.  Is this one of yours?”

W’s paragraphs reply shortened to:
- yes, for my gig work
- I will go back to the RV and update
- $xxx can be from over-repayment above
- $xx can be from the ~$xxxx I paid for kids school

G thinks, and stays in STFU mode.
- What it was for didn’t matter, I just wanted to know if it was W’s, fraud, or something of mine I had forgotten about.
- Why would you go back to the RV now to update it?
- I wasn’t asking for repayment.
- I know you purchased S12’s and D17’s textbooks since they arrived at my home.
- You never told me how much $$ of direct school expenses you paid or for what.
- I can’t reimburse you without knowing what you spent.

You see, even before working on a settlement, I said I would pay all kids customary direct costs for school, etc. It is codified in the settlement. All the kids automatic billed stuff comes to me. Every time she has let me know of an expense, I have paid it. No questions. No complaints. I never had expectations of her paying for the children… how is this any different? Peace of mind coming from accepting 100% responsibility for my children. No expectations of W. I’ve seen and heard the unhappy hearts that come from disputes over child support.

Part 3

Continued paraphrased W’s long paragraphs broken apart interspersed with G’s thoughts from inside STFU mode (no actual replies). A little venting here.

W - Let’s not do tit for tat. Just tell me if my expenses. It’s not on purpose.
G - Um, I wasn’t tit for tat. I noticed when checking the card charges this week. A few days later when I wasn’t busy with other things I asked politely if it was your expense.

W - I am paying $2,xxx / month for kids’ expenses, lots of gas.
G - WT*?! Are you spending on? They live 100% with me. D19 pays most of her own share now, part of giving her the safety of home while practicing what it takes to be on her own. They and I go shopping anytime they need clothes, supplies, etc. Everything a home provides I pay for. I pay for D17s sports. And on. Also, gas? You spend on gas because of where you chose to live. Your choice of how much to drive back and forth. Echos from DB forums on accountability for choices and kryptonite

W - D17 doesn’t make her own food to sports and work and I pay the bill.
G - F’n parent up W. That is your choice, not child support. Tell her no, you will not take her out to eat after every single morning gymnastics practice And every single evening work schedule. You can pack a lunch box and so can D17. The fridge and pantry is stocked full.

W - state child support and alimony rules are screwy, though we don’t make them. Child support should be shared the best we can
G - We came to a fair agreement. I pay you a large chunk every month for 18 months to cover both. I only pay at all because we agreed to continue home school and you claimed to be unable to do much work when doing so.

W - I don’t ask for even a tiny bit of expenses the kids cause because asking “may I” is crazy. I don’t care about the agreement.
G - *frustration*. It’s not asking for permission if I already agreed to it. Where does this come from? I just need minimal accountability of telling me how much and for what. Every time you told me of an expense, I have reimbursed with no comment.

W - I don’t mind paying kids expenses. We are sharing kids 50/50, so I don’t mind paying as much as I can. God will provide.
G - I’m providing, still. You have been living primarily off savings/investments I earned for OUR FUTURE. I’ve sent alimony payments to provide as agreed. You JUST SENT THEM BACK!…to pay off a low interest car loan early. Backwards of what any financial advisor would tell you. 50/50? This summer you average 2 or 3 hours each week day with them. You set up your place as so uninviting to them, the kids have not gone over of their own will.

W - I don’t mind helping with the house. I cleaned up the back yard last month and trimmed up the hedges today. let me know if that eases the burden and what else since I am using your space.
G - So….this is … new. Those were misc things that didn’t need doing right now. But you don’t pick up after yourself in the home when there. You don’t take care of your rabbit. Or take it to your place as you promised 4 times. You haven’t touched your stuff taking up half the garage or half the “den” area in months. But the hedges? Oh, and using “my space?” No, you are in my HOME.

W - I will be showing S12’s school for accountability now. Feel free to let me know if you have concerns.
G - Um, OK. I’ve been observing without expectations. Having plans no matter which way you turn out.

Part 4, Next day

W - I’d like to take S12 two states up in early Aug. to see his friend X before the school year.
G - Hmmmm, I have no issue with the trip. This is a ~12 hour drive. Proposed dates are 4 days. S12’s friend X used to be somewhat close but hasn’t been for years. Missing some logic here. Mind reading other motives. Friend X’s mom was one of W’s friends who left her husband. This guy had some real issues. i.e. kids could go visit if W’s friend was the adult in charge, but not if he was. I know, not just think, W and her conferred on divorce and how much happier it was to meet a new man to fill her needs.

To respond
After all that, I haven’t replied yet. Short Simple Business Maybe:

“I have no conflicts with those dates.”

Looks like she hit a nerve. You took the bait. Hook, line, and sinker.

No one can be calm all the time. We are human after all. But this conversation served really no purpose. It's not like she will take all you said and do better next time. That's not where your relationship is right now. Still too emotional.

Next I need to tell her I’m taking the kids to the west coast to visit my family for a couple weeks in early Sept. And ask if she will take care of the animals while we are away.

Maybe:

“I’ve planned the usual annual trip to visit my family from x-x Sept. Will you be able to take care of our animals for these dates?”

What do you all think?


g

I personally wouldn't ask her to watch anything. Outside of co-parenting those kids, rely on her for nothing.

[grok]

Hi V,

...it looks like I was too oblique. It wasn't an actual conversation.

Her parts she actually messaged to me.

My only actual reply was

“Thank you. I will remain on schedule.
Also, I was billed $xxx for yyy.com. Is this one of yours?”

All of the other "replies" from me were ONLY in my own head. I was externally in receive and STFU mode. Wait 48 hours and write it out here mode.

I have said zero, messaged zero. This was venting here.

You are right though, I took the bait in the sense it occupied too much of my head and emotional space for a few days.

g

[grok]

Hi MamaG,

I often see advice for how to respond to myself and don’t want to send you down the wrong path.

That's OK. Say what you see. You will see, recognize things I do not.

This is such a hard road.

I have this check of my state. I hold out my hand in front of me. Flat. I see how much it shakes as I try to hold it still. It took over a year to mostly not shake. Now? Only on bad days.

I have a Mormon neighbor who periodically evangelizes the neighborhood door to door. I talk with her and discuss. People of goodwill. Upon hearing the bones of my story she quietly said, "it took me ten years to recover from my divorce. I'll pray for you."

You may not know it, but from time to time I look to your posts for a role model. Reading your quotes and listening to how you handle life inspires me to do better.

Thank you. We encourage each other to survive, do better, then thrive. Just like I receive much from reading others stories, I hope others can take something from mine.

I can see myself in your situation. I also am a leader in IT. I need to keep it together by day. Sometimes it’s just exhausting to stay together when I come home.

Leader in IT? *Laughs* What a history I have. The closest term you could use for me is Systems Engineer in the old sense, not the IT sense. IT was a side effort to enable my other work. My professional IT trail includes
- Modifying Intel 486 based computers to speed up rendering of large Autocad models,
- In charge of 5 person shop running a 800 person org’s servers, clients, and network.
- Constructing the equivalent of the A+ course and teaching dozens of administrative assistants who had been redesignated as IT support
- Evaluating sensor data backhaul systems…SATCOM, internet, synchronous and asynchronous links, fiber, radio, etc…
- And on

exhausting sometimes? just sometimes? *wry smile* I find it a little easier keeping it together by focusing on just today’s troubles. Keeping it together one day at a time. For -

when I was going through this, my mantra was

Today is not the day that I quit

Maybe I will quit tomorrow, yet I will wait to see what tomorrow brings

Then repeat that tomorrow

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2713361#Post2713361

And

“So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today.

g

[DnJ]

Good Morning g

It’s good to see you vented here, and remained silent for at least 48 hours.

W provided quite the barrage of conversation. Something I see, you are looking at it rationally. Looking at things in a manner of how would I fix it if this were my problem. Your views and statements are correct, yet that doesn’t and won’t really matter to W. More look at her conversation in its entirety with less desire to help/fix/etc. And without needing to defend yourself. Just listen and validate/respond where appropriate.

G, “Thank you. I will remain on schedule.
Also, I was billed $xxx for yyy.com. Is this one of yours?”

W’s paragraphs reply shortened to:
- yes, for my gig work
- I will go back to the RV and update
- $xxx can be from over-repayment above
- $xx can be from the ~$xxxx I paid for kids school

W - Let’s not do tit for tat. Just tell me if my expenses. It’s not on purpose.

W - I am paying $2,xxx / month for kids’ expenses, lots of gas.

W - D17 doesn’t make her own food to sports and work and I pay the bill.

W - state child support and alimony rules are screwy, though we don’t make them. Child support should be shared the best we can.

W - I don’t ask for even a tiny bit of expenses the kids cause because asking “may I” is crazy. I don’t care about the agreement.

W - I don’t mind paying kids expenses. We are sharing kids 50/50, so I don’t mind paying as much as I can. God will provide.

W - I don’t mind helping with the house. I cleaned up the back yard last month and trimmed up the hedges today. let me know if that eases the burden and what else since I am using your space.

W - I will be showing S12’s school for accountability now. Feel free to let me know if you have concerns.


Next day

W - I’d like to take S12 two states up in early Aug. to see his friend X before the school year.

It looks like W is playing nice, even cleaning up the hedges to ease your burdens. (lol, I’m with you. She doesn’t clean up after herself, hasn’t taken the rabbit, and stuff still in the den and garage. However, those hedges are all fixed up.) Anyhow, point being she’s playing/being nice, pointing out all she’s done and doing, and “the next day” unveils why - to ask about taking S12 on a trip.


Just listen and validate/respond where appropriate.

To respond
After all that, I haven’t replied yet. Short Simple Business Maybe:

“I have no conflicts with those dates.”

Could add a bit of validation. Let her know she’s been heard.

(Assuming you spoke to S12, and he actually wants to go on the trip.)



“G: W, good point. I will let you know if I have any expenses of your’s. Please let me know if you have any expenses for me.

The dates for your trip work well for me. Hope you and S12 have a good time.

Also, I am looking at visiting my family during Sept x-x and plan on taking the kids with me.”



I wouldn’t ask W about looking after the animals during your trip. Arrange other care in your absence. Hire a friend of the kids, utilize a kennel, etc.

Hope your Sunday is going well.

D