Blindsided 2

[aphexx13]

ive been dating a girl for 2 months. we have spent a lot of time getting to know each other. we have talked everyday since meeting. we get along great our phone conversations last around 3 to 4 hrs. we have had 12 dates including 6 overnights together. we have great passion and chemistry. our values line up and we have great communication. we are both overthinkers and have trust issues from past relationships but we have been good at reassuring each other.

Wasn't your divorce final in May? So basically you jumped into another relationship before the ink was even dry on the papers.

pretty much but I had felt like I was ready.

the problem is her last boyfriend made her feel like she couldnt meet his expectations he also cheated on her for the entire time they were together. she has 3 kids so time isnt always there. when our plans fall through she feels like shes letting me down if i act disappointed. i try to reassure her that its ok and im not upset i just miss seeing her.

She needs to be okay with you being disappointed. At the same time - you seem you require validation from your partner? Have you read anything about attachment styles?

yes I have. we are both anxious preoccupied. I thought our same attachment style would lead to understanding each other and how important reassurance is.

our plans fell through Wednesday which i told her was fine. this has been a difficult month for me because i had my daughter for june and my ex gets her for july so im missing her. thursday i told my girlfriend i was felling down and she took it as me being down about not seeing her and our plans falling through on wednesday. i assured her that we were fine and that it was over my daughter. we talked it out and we were fine and we told each other we loved each other.

friday morning my girlfriend said she was concerned that she wasnt meeting my expectations and couldnt give me what i need. she also said we felt off and she needed time to think and clear her head. one thing that has been stressing her out is when school starts it gets very hectic and we wont have a lot of time together. i reassured her that we will work it out but as school gets closer she doesnt seem convinced i will be ok.

her last text was " i just need some time. i dont want to hurt you but it seems off" i reminded her that our talks usually help bring her out of her tailspin and that its normal for couples to have off days. i said i love you and i will always be there for you. she hasnt responded since.

This doesn't sound like love. This sounds like two unhealed people trying to be in a relationship w/o having done the work on themselves as individuals.

probably, i thought we could help each other

If I recall - when you came to this board, you were depressed and suicidal. It was difficult for you to be alone. What have you worked on to be comfortable with being alone?

i have been seeing a councilor and living alone and being happy with myself. ive been very selective with dating not jumping in with anyone.

The board recommends at least a year before jumping into another relationship, however I don't think you will take that advice as it will make you too anxious.

it definitely does.

You know the old saying. Those you don't learn from their mistakes, are doomed to repeat them.

very true

[DnJ]

Good Morning aph

update with my divorce over i was feeling a lot better but.....

“But….”

Oh the infamous “but”. Justification, exception to the rule, reason to ignore and do/continue what one knows runs counter to their best interests.

I’ve seen many folks, here and IRL, jump into another relationship far too soon. The rush of infatuation and endorphins mistaken for acceptance and leading one to cease their difficult and necessary inner work. That pause is temporary. At some point all that stuff not processed and grieved does takes hold again. Being wrapped up in a new relationship makes it all the more harder and usually compounds one’s inner work with a barrage of other events and feeling and such. Or even more significant like a proposal or marriage or child, when one is still not healed.

One year past the signing and the courts accepting the divorce is, IMHO, the minimum I’d recommend before jumping back into the pool. So much gets stirred up in us during: BD, break up, separation, negotiation, divorce drafts, divorce agreement signed, divorce signed by courts, and finally being divorced. Each of those has their own slew of problems, feelings, pains, hurts, and so on. All take time to get through. And really cannot be rushed, only deferred.

You need only look back 60 days to recall being adrift. Lost. Hurt.

You have made significant progress with your grief. Your counselling is helping rather well methinks.

I don't want to think about her anymore. this may sound harsh but i don't want to care about her anymore.

I suspect you have obtained more than a taste of indifference towards XW. Indifference is a strange thing. Such a numbness, an attenuation of one’s feelings. Yet one must be cautious for nature abhors a vacuum. Other emotions will loom and appear much larger than they are in the void of what once was.

Indifference is a time, an opportunity, for one to take stock of themselves free from the emotional cacophony of their spouse/ex-spouse. A golden opportunity for one’s inner work while indifferent to the words and behaviours of their once loving partner.

Indifference, like all feelings, is temporary. It will unwind. Old feelings do return. Along with a bunch of new ones.

At least one year, of sincere work. Know thy self, before bringing another soul into a relationship.

My two cents.

D

[Ready2Change]

her last text was " i just need some time. i dont want to hurt you but it seems off" i reminded her that our talks usually help bring her out of her tailspin and that its normal for couples to have off days. i said i love you and i will always be there for you. she hasnt responded since.

Sounds like you still have some learning to do in the validation department.

[aphexx13]

her last text was " i just need some time. i dont want to hurt you but it seems off" i reminded her that our talks usually help bring her out of her tailspin and that its normal for couples to have off days. i said i love you and i will always be there for you. she hasnt responded since.

Sounds like you still have some learning to do in the validation department.

what would be a better response? something like it must be difficult for you that it feels off?

I was really caught off guard and emotions took over and i ended up reacting instead of responding.

[Ready2Change]

her last text was " i just need some time. i dont want to hurt you but it seems off" i reminded her that our talks usually help bring her out of her tailspin and that its normal for couples to have off days. i said i love you and i will always be there for you. she hasnt responded since.

Best would have been no response. Next option would be a simple "I understand" and then crickets. Another option: "It does feel off. Take as much time as you need"


Go to a busy coffee shop and sit near a couple women talking. Just listen to HOW they talk. Most of the conversations are relating to each others emotional states.


Learn to be a listener and DO NOT TRY TO FIX things. IE "I reminded her" is trying to fix things statement.


So everything I just said is me being a man and "fixing things".


This is more of a validation statement I could have used:
"I am sorry you are going through this. It must be confusing ( or frustrating). Is that how you feel?"

[aphexx13]

thanks for the input. im usually good at validating but im not that great in the mornings and her feelings caught me off guard as she did a 180 in feelings from the day before. one thing she loved about me was i listened to her and it always calmed her down and ended her spiral.

she had a bad habit of looking for the smallest things that could probably end things. i would listen to her and empathize and reassure her everything was fine. a week would go by and then she would find something else to worry about. she went from im not going anywhere and you better not either and i am so deeply in love with you to things feel off.

one thing that is confusing is that we are still friends on facebook and tik tok and im getting notifications from her page. she told me that she doesnt remain friends on facebook with her exs. if shes done with me why hasnt she unfriended me?



I also wonder if she has a personality disorder. she went from me being the perfect guy to devaluing me overnight. how can we make love for 3 hrs which was not just sex we were emotionally bonding , cuddling , talking and laughing. it was the most intense thing ive ever encountered and she said the same. everything was fine for the next 4 days lots of talking and i love you, telling me she isnt going anywhere and adores me and i better not leave her as we are meant for each other and she wants to grow old with me. then the next day she wants time to think about us. how can someone change like that overnight? pedestal to devalued overnight seems disordered.



throughout the relationship she had a habit of looking for issues with us and jumping to conclusions that things wouldnt workout. i would talk her down from her tailspin and everything would be fine for a week then something tiny would happen and then rinse and repeat.



its been 12 days since we last talked. we talked every day for two months. was everything fake from her? how can she be so deeply in love with me, talking to me multiple times every day to completely cutting me off like i never existed.

[aphexx13]

also im done with dating until I finish my courses online and start my new job which should be the begining of next year. this girl may have been another bullet dodged and only 2 months wasted. pros is it got me past my funk with my ex wife because it showed me how little my ex wife gave me effort or love. the cons I really loved this last girl as she showered me with attention and love and we seemed to have the same views on things. and I went from that to everything taken away again.

it was only 2 months but it hurts because of what could have been. now the loneliness again.

[Ready2Change]

it was only 2 months but it hurts because of what could have been. now the loneliness again.

During this process, I learned to reframe things. Definately 2 things in this statement that can be reframed.

Have you watch LFA videos on youtube?

[aphexx13]

never heard of them. I couldnt find any on you tube other than some kind of mixed martial arts thing.

[DnJ]

Hello aph

im done with dating until I finish my courses online and start my new job which should be the begining of next year. this girl may have been another bullet dodged and only 2 months wasted.

I think it is wise to utilize such a time frame. I do think you dodged a bullet. Also, it’s two months invested, not wasted, if you grow and evolve from this experience.

For what it’s worth, two months is still infatuation. Her behaviour, it’s love bombing. It’s immature, manipulating, and a red flag. A few months, feelings wane a bit, then overnight it’s devaluation of you, and over. A slower progress would make and be good indications for a potential solid relationship, IMHO.

one thing that is confusing is that we are still friends on facebook and tik tok and im getting notifications from her page. she told me that she doesnt remain friends on facebook with her exs. if shes done with me why hasnt she unfriended me?

A better question is why haven’t you unfriended her? Why are you waiting? What are you waiting for? Be strong, confident, secure. You don’t need that drama in your life.

D