Thank you I need someone once in awhile telling me I’m doing ok . I think what is hard for me the most is when we are all doing things together I feel ok . Kids happy , H happy I’m genuinely happy .When I’m alone or have time for myself I feel this pull of “ I could just end this marriage , I didn’t deserve any of this and eventually be ok alone “. It’s sad sometimes at night H will be sleeping and I’m awake just up . He looks so peaceful like his world is coming together and I’m over there just thinking how am I going to do this the rest of my life . Almost as if I’m the one living the double life . Eventually I calm myself and just have a little faith that in time maybe I will feel better.
Had a few good days at home and out and about . Enjoyed an evening with one of the kids alone . My GAL is my kids and when I’m older will be my grandkids . Went to ride some roller coasters . Had a ton of 1:1 fun .
My struggle this week could be validating but not approving . Could use some advice .
Example :
H : I’m really just happy and content . I like how I can talk to you now and how close I feel to you with communication .
Me: I was not and will not be close with someone or listen to them while they were cheating . That was your choice not to be close to your W.
Yes it just flew out my mouth ! It wasn’t a mean tone or anything like that . Just was very direct almost like an unspoken boundary I was stating . H just shook his head and kinda took it .
Love the roller coasters! The wilder the better... Except I usually can't do them anymore. A health incident in my 20s left me with motion sickness issues. I could ride maybe one or two, but will be left with a migraine for the next couple of days straight.
Doctors never did figure out what caused it. I was left without much balance for about 18 months after onset. Had to stop riding bikes and motorcycles for about two years. Ever since ... well ... I take about half my balance from visual or touch cues. I drag a finger along banisters for vertical orientation on stairs!
More seriously -
Sometimes a truth dart is just that. Maybe it was the right time and needed.
It WAS an unspoken boundary. Now it is spoken and clear and he knows exactly where it is. It may not have followed the formula "when you" "I feel" but the "if you" and "I will" following is pretty clear.
I think this can be combined with validating. And your boundary statement was not of a form condemning him or disapproving of him per say... It was about YOU
g
H:54 W:50 D19, D17, S12 ILYBINILWY 3/23 DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23 DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-5 & W moves out 8/23 – 3/24 Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
Sometimes, they need a truth dart to let them know how you feel. He should be aware of the fact that you aren't going to sweep the entire incident under the rug. You can't sweep something like this away. At some point, everything will need to be discussed and out in the open if you and your h are going to have a good foundation to rebuild your marriage on, i.e., especially the trust factor.
Don't beat yourself up. Truth darts can be healthy. You stated your thoughts, he knows what you think and now he needs time to digest what you have stated.
Keep moving forward. You are doing great. Reconnecting/reconciling is difficult when there has been a huge elephant in the room. Be gentle with yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I do not really know what else even needs to be talked about with H . I have a good idea of where his head was at and what went on . I also openly call BS if he even tries to shift blame in the slightest no wiggle room . In last few weeks there definitely is a noticeable change when he speaks . That confusion clearing up and taking responsibility. He has a more protective tone I would say . More he thinks about how I would feel before himself . I don’t think I have seen that in well over a decade . I did express some concern to him that I do not feel he knows how to manage a normal relationship that doesn’t have super highs and very low lows . He seeks these relationships whether friends or AP because he thrives off of the chaos . It is very noticeable to him that I don’t get on that rollercoaster over the last 4-5 years and just stay my pace . H is well aware I’m not jumping back on the rollercoaster ever again . The one topic that he has been talking about with his counselor and a lot more now with me is the guilt . The feeling he would have leaving and running to AP after spending days at home happy . How he would walk around with knots in his stomach . The relief he feels not living like that and just feeling whole again , peace. Wasn’t a truth dart but I do remind him that there was another person (me) who was on the receiving end of the fall out when he would run off and that I got very strong with just doing for me and the children . It’s not easy to trust. Sometimes when I speak to him it is just hard . I can see even if my words are in a kind tone the words just hurt . The reality of what he did and pain he caused . I can see and hear him just breathe and usually he looks like he is about to ball crying . Makes it hard for someone who has always had this soft side (me) to communicate . He doesn’t tell me not to talk quite the opposite it still goes against my grain.
On a lighter note I agreed to go away for a long weekend with H . He planned it . Is really just excited to spend some away time with me . I agreed to go and just have some fun snow tubing and hanging in a cabin he booked .
Enjoy the time away. The change of scenery will be good for both of you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
