Just spinning emotionally here and know this is the best place to put it all down . Valentine’s Day I thought went well . Spent some alone time with H and both agreed it was really nice . Spent a night away without kids . Nothing fancy but with busy lives much needed .
I have an extremely overbooked week. I asked H to help out a bit more than usual and he was more than willing to . I gave a lot of appreciative communication about the extra things he did in the beginning of week .
Well here comes Tuesday night . I’m just fried . A lot on my plate and just need a bit to unwind. H was good said he was going to hang out with kids . Here comes the now 2 nights of barely sleeping .
I get a text from H that he is tired and going to bed . Thought nothing of it . A little bit later and when I say a little bit less than 15 mins . I go up to bed . Nothing unusual with H being home last 8-9 months occasionally he crashes earlier than me but mainly we go up together . I get in bed. About 30 minutes later H is sitting up in bed just staring off . I know this stare this is the I’m looking for pity . At this point I realize something is up . So I bite . Are you not tired ? H says no . I lied so you would come up and go to bed with me . I’ve been waiting here for you to make some type of initiation aka “sex”. (Would just like to add this is not a man lacking in that department ).
My face was probably priceless at that moment . Now I’m annoyed . Probably not the best response but I went with - you made an expectation of me that you didn’t even communicate . I am not a mind reader . Not only did you expect something which had you said come up to bed would have had a better result you chose to lie and manipulate me to get what you wanted . Oh boy did that not go over well . Next thing I know he’s up until 4am and wandering around the house like a child looking for attention. Did I mentioned I had a packed week ??? Sleep would have been darn nice .
Next day - a get a few long texts about how he’s a bad communicator , he’s embarrassed and “im sorry”
I didn’t respond to any of them. I made it abundantly clear I had a busy week , this is a habit he has done for years. Always a nightmare when I ask for help . So I stopped . Always when he does a bit more he wants more from me even when I’m running on empty . So he called late in afternoon. He’s tone all wrong . Here comes the yelling and cursing from him . Haven’t heard that for a solid 6 months . Then comes the blame game . A list of everything I do wrong . None have any validity . I’m very big on accountability now if I ask you if something is ok and you say yes , you are responsible for your response. You don’t bring it up months later and get me to validate He comes home from work . I’m kind . I didn’t even yell back at all his non sense the hour before .
Night 2- i stayed away from him for most of the evening . I went to bed . Yup same scenario. H sitting up in bed . Finally he says if we dont talk neither of us will ever sleep .
Apparently there were multiple things over our weekend away he didn’t want to do . Never said anything and actively planned. Again , he is responsible for the choices he made . If he didn’t like a restaurant speak up . The entire list of his complaints was just stupid . I knew most of them because I have a very good read on this man . I addressed them all on our drive home causally , said hey let’s order in next time we go away so we get more hang out time , let’s pre-pack some stuff so we aren’t running out so much . He agreed . But according to H he was explaining ways he doesn’t communicate. I asked for more in depth examples because not liking a restaurant is valid but really does it matter if we have steak or chicken and I know there’s more .
The doozy - H - some days I feel like I don’t want to be married . Today is one of them . This is a lot of work . I didnt know how much work this was going to be . I look at other couples and I’m jealous . Il waiting to get to that point where I feel solid in this . Some days I look at myself and I can’t believe what I have done to this relationship . I’m here , im not leaving but some days I don’t know how you are still here . One day it will build up and you will leave after you have had enough .
My response - I’m not to blame for your feelings on not wanting to be married . If I don’t want to do something , I speak up . I suggest you do the same because for the last 9 months I’ve heard about how you bottled feelings up and then ran a muck for years but yet are doing the same . If you don’t want to be married speak up because I will not divorce someone who wants to be married and is taking the right steps but I will divorce someone who underlying does not want to be here .
Cali, It sounds like a real dilemma on your hands. As you have stated - you won't disturb the peace that your kids have with the both of you home. (I briefly re-read your posts and couldn't find the ages of your children so maybe they are little?). However - I think you are rightly frustrated with your H. From your posts - he's not really showing up. He's so consumed with his own thoughts and needs - he has very little space for yours.
I'm all for communication. Truly. But at some point - people also need to be engaged with their partner's life. I personally am not someone who needs to be told what my partner's needs are with regards to the "day to day". I pay attention and try to fill the void. If she has a busy week - I take over a bigger percentage of the chores, pets, etc. And then - I initiate with her to see if she needs anything else that I may be missing. I don't wait to be told what to do and I think sometimes this whole "a partner can't read your mind" reason covers the fact that a partner will not participate in the relationship. That they do not prioritize their partner.
I want to be very careful here on this site because it helped me alot through my rough times. I am RL friends with some of the people still and I will always be grateful for the part they played in my healing. That being said, sometimes I think people jump to label their spouse in an "MLC" too quickly. Nowadays - almost every newcomer ends up saying my "my spouse is in an MLC". In some ways - I think this is to soften the blow. Like puberty - MLC becomes a phase that eventually the spouse will "grow out of". Or "wake up from". And the LBS translates that to waiting and being patient.
But most of the LBS women who come to this board - have already BEEN patient. They have put up with bad behavior from their H for a long time. Which leads to question if it is indeed an MLC. Because it isn't a "switch turned off" - it's actually something that's been in the making for many years. Women who have given too much. They have put themselves on the backburner. They have lost themselves in being the "spouse" or the "mom" and have forgot to just be "them". And when the H still needs that validation (that has been an impossible cup for the wife to fill) - The H goes outside the marriage.
That's not a crisis. That's a ego problem with the H... and honestly the last thing it needs... is more patience.
Honestly - I don't know if your H is in an MLC or if it he has always in some ways shown your this character. At this point - I'm not sure it matters. You have been in this dance a VERY long time. And for now - this is who he is...
... and from the bleacher seat - you seem just over it. It's not what you NEED. You NEED someone who can see you. Someone who has the capacity to get out of his own shame stop overthinking/oversharing - and just put your first for the time being.
It doesn't matter if it's trauma or an MLC or insecurities or whatever the reason is... you NEED change. And you NEED it at a pace differently than what H is currently providing.
And that's okay. This NEED doesn't have to be done w/o your H.
But I do think this inner turmoil you consistently have.. will continue to speak (louder and louder). Because this is what Caligirl NEEDS. Not what she "wants". It's not something that can be compromised or negotiated.
When we compromise our NEEDS - it creates a self-betrayal and we stop living with inner peace.
You can't ignore your NEEDS forever. And I'm not saying you haven't taken MANY MANY steps in the right direction... but there is something still not being met. And only you can say (and accept) what that is.
((Caligirl))
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
So when I first began posting and up until about a month ago . I swayed the truth on a few things in fear of him coming across the site . At this point 5 years in . He’s never seen it . Has not had any clue . And honestly if he sees my posts so be it .
Both were married in our late teens or early 20s (him at 19) me at 21. Both had 2 children from those marriages . My older are 21 and 19 his 17 and 16. We have two children together 10 and 11.
My first marriage very different . Married young . Had two children quickly . Went down hill as fast . I spilt . Ex H has little to no contact with children and on occasion will be a thorn that I have learned to ignore . In his 40s still lives at home with his mommy and support has been minimal or non existent. It took a very big toll on my older children as he for years told them it was my fault we spilt . He’s a bum . We will leave it at that .
H - a bit different . Got married way young . Nothing per se was wrong with her . Just felt like it was not a good match . Divorced . Caused utter chaos in his family . Family was in an uproar about it . Children were very small when they spilt . His parents never forgave him for the spilt . Hence the poor relationship with his father. Even years later some how the father blames me for them not ever getting back together . Though last year or so I think they have come to terms with it. He maintained 50/50 custody . Provides support , insurance and they are actively involved in everything we do . Vacations and what not . Never excluded .
The two small children we have obviously are ours together .
The children have always been raised as a little wolf pack . Never looked at each other as half siblings or step siblings .
If I’m gonna let it all out . 9 months ago it was not an event with a friend . One of the older children ended up in the hospital for an extended amount of time . I had warned H for months he was spiraling and I wouldn’t say it was brushed off but it wasn’t addressed . I had some pretty harsh words to H prior to this and told him what was gonna happen . And it unfolded pretty much that way . This was also when I told H on top of what was going on with one of the older children that I knew he was cheating and to keep that crap away from me and the kids . His chaos effected everyone .
In the mist of the child going home weeks later after admission , I get BD in same week . Unfortunately in this situation the child needed one stable home and I wasn’t willing to take that away . So yes did I back burner . Absolutely. Do I regret it , not one second . I’ve come to terms with my home may be the only “Normal home “ they have to go to . Even if it is 50 percent of the time . They need that stability of Sunday morning breakfast and Friday night family night . Family vacations .
The inner turmoil is just that . I choose myself or I choose somewhat of stability for the kids . The kids win every single time I look at it .
Do I think H is a spoiled brat with an ego . 100 percent ! Did he cheat on the first wife with multiple women . Yeppers .
Can I say I see a 75 percent change in him - yes . Did he apologize at length for his ego the other night and his non sense . Pretty much all weekend .
I think it’s hard when people post because sometimes I come to vent . So you do not always get to see the entire picture . Usually every night he’s involved if not working - that I know is a change. He does ask what I need help with because that is just him . He can walk passed a pile on the floor and it doesn’t bother him but me it does . I do get on occasion some communication if he’s out of I know this isn’t easy for you , I love you . He checks in a lot . I honestly don’t even know what I need from him. I know there are many things he’s working on . A year ago he would have never said he’s working on communication and said I hurt his ego . It’s not that there isn’t improvement. I’ve just become a bit hard hearted I would say .
It’s hard coming to terms with where you are at .
Do I think 9 months ago H had an eye opener . Yes . Do I think he overshares a bit of the opposite. He buried , buried and buried , then ignored , then ran a muck until it exploded . He almost lost a kid and the rest of his family in a matter of weeks . He has said this over and over . I almost lost everything . I have no idea how I would do this without you.
Me calling him out on his spoiled brat ego the other night actually had a different outcome than I thought . Usually it’s the pitty party carried on for days . He squashed it very fast over the last few days and I know that comment about I will divorce you is playing in his head . Felt good to get that out too !
I think it’s hard when people post because sometimes I come to vent . So you do not always get to see the entire picture .
Whist I agree we don't get the full picture. I do think we get a pretty good one.
Originally Posted by Caligirl
Do I think 9 months ago H had an eye opener . Yes . Do I think he overshares a bit of the opposite. He buried , buried and buried , then ignored , then ran a muck until it exploded . He almost lost a kid and the rest of his family in a matter of weeks . He has said this over and over . I almost lost everything . I have no idea how I would do this without you.
How do you reconcile ^^^ with your original post to us about 6 months ago when he was planning on moving out and needed to"be alone". Especially given your last conversation when he said "somedays he doesn't want to be married".
Originally Posted by Caligirl
. He checks in a lot . I honestly don’t even know what I need from him. I know there are many things he’s working on . A year ago he would have never said he’s working on communication and said I hurt his ego . It’s not that there isn’t improvement. I’ve just become a bit hard hearted I would say .
I don't think you have become hard hearted. I think you have become protective and rightfully so.
9 months ago the affair ended. 6 months ago was a BD. And all of this was happening when he was "improving". All of this happened when you believed things were getting better.
That doesn't just shatter your trust with your H. It shatters your trust with yourself. And it's the second that takes the most work to rebuild.
To me - that's the turmoil you experience. It's doesn't feel like its about the kids. It feels like yet again your H is showing improvement but unlike last time - you are not going to "make the same mistake". You are not going to assume pure motives behind the change... and by you - I mean your inner you that's protecting you.
So the million dollar question is - will you ever be able to trust your H again?
And that's not something you have to answer today. It's only been been 6 months since bomb drop.
But that's what I see here. Not someone who is venting... but someone who doesn't know the answer of if she will ever be able to let go and trust again. So she swings between defending H and being angry with him.
And although your H can help this by changing and continuing to improve... ultimately the final work (and probably the hardest work) will be done by you. The work to find out and accept YOUR answer.
When you're ready.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Minus the first few years we were together there’s always been something off . Even if I didn’t have proof . That knot in my stomach has been there much longer than this . Threw a few kids into the mix and I tolerated a lot more than I should have and became a doormat . Hence the grow as I call it of becoming financially stable and continuing education because never will I be in that situation again .
I will say I disagree about the kids . They are my number one reason for staying . Trust me I loose many nights of sleep over it . More than I would like to admit . Even taking H out of it , I still loose sleep over them .
You are right . Turmoil of how much am I willing to tolerate . My tolerating level has become almost zero with him .
How do I reconcile with him saying he wanted to be alone and this is a lot of work ? I don’t . That’s him . When things are tough that’s his go to -run and get sympathy . He got very little of that this go around from not only me but family and friends . The less I give into it the better for me .
And yes protective not hard hearted . I take little non sense from him .
In better news - had a nice girl date last week that was very much needed with my bestie . Was nice to get out even with my children checking in every hour .
I will say I disagree about the kids . They are my number one reason for staying . Trust me I loose many nights of sleep over it . More than I would like to admit . Even taking H out of it , I still loose sleep over them.
Well I am certainly not here to tell you what to feel. Just here to support.
Seeing this is about the children - out of curiosity - I have some questions if you are open to answering them.
What "peace" do you think are giving your children?
What do you think they are learning from watching you in this relationship?
What do you think they are learning from watching H in this relationship?
What do you think they are learning about relationships in general by watching your H and you?
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
What "peace" do you think are giving your children?
Not being dragged across half the state every weekend or every other weekend . We split 5 years ago for a few months . He ran the kids into the ground and himself . One of the smaller ones got to the point of not wanting to go and crying for days before going . He then would leave them with his mother and go out until all hours of the night . Unfortunately I’ve been through a divorce once . If they are not causing them physical harm they can do these kind of things . The same little one I can almost guarantee will not going willing as often as he would make her . Just not doing it .
I’m getting older . I just don’t have the fight or energy in me to watch him emotionally destroy them because he’s entitled to split time .
What do you think they are learning from watching you in this relationship?
Get out of a bad relationship before you have children
What do you think they are learning from watching H in this relationship?
That he behaves like a child . They don’t look at him like an adult . If it walks and quake like a duck well …..
What do you think they are learning about relationships in general by watching your H and you?
Don’t have children with people until you truly know them . You will either be forced to choose yourself or between splitting your children up if you choose to partner with the wrong person .
My older child knows this very well . Has had a boyfriend few years now . Not even a mention of marriage or children . Not a peep .
My older son - protective over his mother and women . Can’t tell you the last time he has ever even raised his voice or said something out of line . Usually pretty well mannered with women .
I do waiver back and forth . I understand the impacts I think more so of a split being I went through one with my older children . Do I regret it , absolutely not . Is this situation different . Yes .
I find the biggest differences being I want this relationship to work for one specific reason . Stability for my children .
Over the last few weeks or so I began listening to different podcasts and audiobooks on different attachment styles but more so audiobooks on how not to be a fixer and take more charge over my own emotions and life.
Many of us come here because we are so lost and sometimes just unable to process what has been or is going on in our marriages .
I took a long hard look at myself the last few weeks and realized it is not my job to fix someone else , help them learn how to be a partner and/or a better parent . But I deserve someone who is my equal and who has good intentions.
Many of the audiobooks mirror much of what is said on here . You can control only one person . Yourself . You can control how you react or not react . I think for me hearing this rather than reading it was more beneficial. Stuck just a bit more with some examples that I was able to hear .
I decided to put some of this into action.
Yesterday H asked me what was wrong . I made it about 30 seconds before his true self came out . Didn’t even get through the entire sentence . H left in a fit of rage . So be it . It is not my job to chase him , speak to him or encourage him to talk to his counselor . H was radio silent all day . I don’t care where he was . I did my own thing . Spent time with kids. Caught up of school work and vegged out on some more audiobooks .
I took a different path today . I am no longer just go to take this non sense laying down . A few swift lines of a deserve a partner who is able and willing to discuss how I am feeling .
So he responded with a phone call . He said go ahead you talk I will just listen . It lasted less than 2 minutes before he began yelling and carrying on . So I hung up . I again reiterated I will not speak to someone who yells and can not listen for less than 60 seconds before becoming irate.
Now looking back I probably shouldn’t have answered the second phone call and just let that one be but I did .(fail on my part ) I got a bit further but ultimately the call ended with him sobbing and saying he is never good enough . Went on about it’s his fault he doesn’t know how to handle emotions . Apparently, all the women in his life have had all of the same complaints. He even threw in his affair partner complaints about him . Well that was just fun to hear about ! Ha !
Either way through all of his non sense and carrying on . I did get out some points that I know were heard . He is very well aware my reason for staying in the marriage - the kids . And he is also very well aware that I have very limited room in my life for him and don’t wish to continue a marriage with someone who disrespects myself or our marriage . So for now and until I see some solid progress with having open communication. Everything is off the table : don’t kiss me , don’t try to jump in bed with me and definitely do not think I’m going out on superficial dates . And by progress I mean some serious substantial effort into allowing your hurt spouse to speak openly more than once a month . If he chooses not to do this so be it . I will continue to spend time and doing things with the people who respect me and enjoy my company.
I do like to throw in some humor . So the quote that really had me laugh was H saying I asked him to stay . My response - I said no such thing and took off with the kids to another state. You had and have every opportunity to leave . I then added do not speak to me about whatever gripes your affair partner had with you . You both chose that relationship and deserve whatever came from it 😀.
I know I may have broke half the DB rules during that last 24 hrs but it was quite empowering to feel as though I’m taking control back of my life and what I deserve . Glow up in progress !
