Rumspringa

[MamaG]

Happy Friday!

H received and was appreciative of the book and said he'd read it. Before he moved out he was not open at all to any sort of self help in the form of a book - at least not any book that I could offer.

Let me know if you ever learn that he reads it. I've considered doing the same but don't want to interrupt the journey. H's bday is later this month. I will be following his lead on the gift front as mine is before his in November. Should I get a lil something, I'm thinking he could use a good read. Hoping yours reads it and reports back on his learnings. Wouldn't that be insightful?!

Finding myself incredibly angry and spitting venom into my set of locked One Note documents. I guess it's just how I have to process this. I have to go to work, leave this bottled up all day and then I come home and need to release all the thoughts that have built up during the day.

Yup. I feel ya. Journaling helped me through this weekend. I kept replaying the events and you saw what I processed through journaling. Hard, but it works. Do more of what works and less of what doesn't.

My work for me now is to figure out why I put up with so much rejection from him. Why it took something completely shocking and jarring to allow me to see our negative patterns of relating. And why I STILL want his approval, despite all that has happened.

I'm sorry to hear about poochies. I imagine, it was hard to learn they were neglected. Hi is in a fog. Unless I'm looking to do a gut check like this weekend (after 5 months of no contact), I no longer ask for help from H. For me, it was more that he'd 'forget' to come to do x and I could feel myself getting sad, mad, rejected. I don't feel rejected anymore...bc I don't ask him anymore. It also fits nicely into detaching.

Got any plans for this weekend? What fun GALing are you looking forward to?

[RegretfulLA]

Mama/DnJ -
Big hugs and thank yous... this board is a lifesaver. Your thoughtful and insightful input is so helpful - you have no idea.

I was just starting to feel better and back to normal, when today I found out more.

I realized that I have access to H's calendar so of course I looked at it.

What I found out:
He's been making plans with the woman from the journal and they are calendaring it!

This is very stupid. She's a lawyer. She should know that when you use your retirement funds to pay for an affair, it counts against you. Now I have proof. He traveled with her. I have screen shots. The fact that I can use this against him makes me feel a little better, but right now all I feel is intense rage.

Seems this is an ongoing relationship/affair. She keeps a private calendar to calendar their events (not her personal calendar but it comes from her email; it's definitely the person I thought it was). I wonder if she is also cheating?

I am struggling with the rage right now. I need to keep this all a secret from him so I can get what I need in the D. I have to be strategic. It is taking every bit of my strength not to confront him. To confront her. But I know that I need to keep an eye on the calendar and continue to gather evidence, as much as it upsets me.

After work, I got in my car, screamed 4 times, cried, and then I talked to my sister on my drive home. Then I got one of his surfboards, wrote 'CHEATING LYING [Censored] [Censored] [Censored]' all over it and then hacked at it with a pickaxe. I feel better now.

I changed my password at work to be an acronym of "why would you want to be with someone so weak" (a mantra of mine) so that I could remember it several times a day. Changing my master password too away from H's old pet name for me to something empowering. I haven't decided on that yet.

I scheduled call with L for tomorrow.

All these things help me take back my power. The fury of betrayal motivates me to take action. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me, including getting cancer while I was pregnant.

Next step is to work on my financial plan so I can go in there prepared. I intend to file first. I'm really scared about how this is going to work out financially, but I am the one who controls the purse strings. This is to my advantage.

I know none of this is in the spirit of DB, but what I take from the book and from this group is the idea that I do have some control. That I can be intentional about my actions. That by being intentional, I can benefit. That I am not helpless in an otherwise horrible situation. Believe me, I am no longer interested in getting H back. The only way I would even consider taking him back is if he had a complete come to Jesus moment and was able to truly work on himself and be 100% truthful with me. So far, I see no evidence that that will happen, aside from some regret in his voice when we talk. I would like to think that H feels some sort of shame for treating me this way, but maybe he doesn't. I know he carries around a lot of shame in general. Maybe part of him is doing this so he can "prove" that I love him. This is the part that I need to let go: the hope that we will repair our marriage - and this might be the hardest thing.

I wonder - if he came back and said he wanted to work on the marriage - would I? In the absence of him coming clean about the A, no. I would not. One of my favorite people says "Watch what they DO, not what they SAY!"

I told my mother my intentions to D and she was as empathetic as she could be, which is to say, she did not miss her calling as a therapist. When I went through first DB in 2012 she was mostly focused on making sure that I was not going to leave the brass andirons in my fireplace behind. I am not kidding about that. This is adding to my disappointment. She is not very supportive, although i know she wants to be.

[grok]

Hey RegretfulLA,

I was just starting to feel better and back to normal, when today I found out more.

I realized that I have access to H's calendar so of course I looked at it.

Oh yes, that snooping. And when you find what you are not being told. A real gut punch. I ... was not myself for a couple of months.

The only way I would even consider taking him back is if he had a complete come to Jesus moment and was able to truly work on himself and be 100% truthful with me. So far, I see no evidence that that will happen, aside from some regret in his voice when we talk. I would like to think that H feels some sort of shame for treating me this way, but maybe he doesn't.

And when you compare Sandi's list of what it requires to reconcile, you realize just how far away from current reality ... that dream is.

After work, I got in my car, screamed 4 times, cried, and then I talked to my sister on my drive home. Then I got one of his surfboards, wrote 'CHEATING LYING [Censored] [Censored] [Censored]' all over it and then hacked at it with a pickaxe. I feel better now.

Do it some more. And let it out. You have to, in bits. My sister told me she used to go for walks in the forest and "whack every tree with a big stick... my hands hurt after but I felt better for a while."

I know none of this is in the spirit of DB, but what I take from the book and from this group is the idea that I do have some control. That I can be intentional about my actions. That by being intentional, I can benefit. That I am not helpless in an otherwise horrible situation.

No, I'd say it is in the spirit of DB. You have defined conditions/boundary under which a R can work for YOU. Making your changes and maybe they will want to come along for the journey. It is not about waiting around forever.

I'm really scared about how this is going to work out financially

Fear. Yes, I have had it. Less now. Though financially this will set me back 10+ years. Half of our combined assets. One more year of 25% of my income to alimony (I'm looking at it as paying for my kids private teacher...thanks my sister for that frame!).

Litany Against Fear - Dune by Frank Herbert

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

Face the fear. Let it flow through and go. YOU remain.

It is not what you (I) wanted or ever imagined ... but your future is calling!

Faith

Future's Calling - Apollo LTD

Is anyone out there?
Is anyone listening?
Is there any path to understand
Or is it just a mystery?
...
Hello human
Hello suffering
It's hard to reconcile what is
And the way it was meant to be
But something's about to givе
Standing on the brink
...
I know you're lonely
And you're broken-hearted
Always fighting to find your way
You're barely holding on, holding on, holding on
All you need is just a little faith
The future's calling your name

g

[RegretfulLA]

Thank you Grok. This is hard. You've been there. You know how devastating this is.

Only thing to do now is work on me, work on letting go. Plan an H-less future. Try to come to terms with the fact that H isn't a good guy, or at the very least, he's not a good H.

I'm beginning to see this separation as a tremendous gift. It has allowed me to discover what I needed to discover in order to move on, and has given me the blessing of space and time to process and plan in total solitude. It has allowed me to truly understand the reality of what has been happening vs. my skewed/wishful thinking that H would somehow take his leave, come back, and be ready to start fresh. I have come to realize that he took this break not to think about things and work on our marriage, but to see if things will work out with OW/AP. He has been cake eating all this time. I have no idea how I would be doing this if H were still here.

I still have feelings for H, as is quite common among us LBS. I have made an embarrassingly long list of all the things he did that hurt me in our marriage, along with how that made me feel. Reading it, I'm ashamed that I stayed, and I'm incredibly thankful that I finally have the guts to D. I wish it had not come to betrayal, but that is what it took for me to finally wake up. I look at the list when I need a reminder of why I need to D and it helps. I haven't yet internalized it. I'm still clinging to what was, or what I hoped for.

Despite his devious and malignant behavior, I still see him as a broken little boy looking for mommy (which doesn't make for a great spouse), and I feel bad for him. I was with him for half of my life, and I've known him for more than 2/3 of it. I will know him for the rest of it, since we share two children. Having read those journals, I got an insight into some of his pain. This is not an excuse but he sought validation/self acceptance from OW/AP and it's sad that he was broken enough to do that. This is why I sent him that book.

I was tested for all STDs and thankfully all negative. Low risk since it's been over a year w H but I know he was with her prior to that.

On boundaries - they are the only thing that we can control in an otherwise uncontrollable situation. I had really lost sight of mine and was letting him walk all over me in some futile hope that he would/could love me.

Grateful for you all.