It’s been 5 years since I had a runaway husband return home . Now 5 years later I have a full blown MLCer who is moving out of the home in a few days . 2 marriage - kids from both first marriages and kids together . Over the last 2 years I suspected OW. We had a very traumatic event happen and over the last few months I would say our relationship grew extremely strong . Probably the strongest it has been in years . I didn’t have proof of affair but was certain it ended during this event . Which he admitted today .I was honest with him and said I know u have been cheating for years but I ignored it . He never admitted it told me I was crazy all the stuff . I told him someone gonna pretty much have to knock on my door and tell me because I’m not chasing you around . So I chose to just move toward improving our marriage. Which we both were very happy falling in love again . Well bomb drop came not from him . A random letter with all of it in it . Photos the entire shabang. Asking for him to leave OW alone .Now this rocked me at my core because for the last few months we had made such improvement . But this was just flat out now thrown in my face . He denied it . Until the pictures . Then confessed . An 18 month affair . He ended it told OW he was working on marriage few months ago . Still don’t know who sent the letter but whatever . So here we are now days later . The man who last week would do anything and was dating his wife 3 nights a week now says he is incapable of being married and does not want to put the work in . I told him that was his choice and he is free to go I will not beg or ask someone to stay . He’s now saying he’s never been alone in his life and now needs to learn to be alone because he hurts everyone he loves and he is the problem . I know the steps . The only I did ask if he chooses to talk it must be at a different location . The kids have been through enough . He did say I don’t love the OW and it was just a spiteful thing and I didn’t want to be here but felt it wasn’t right to leave . He has apologized numerous times to the point I said stop . But unwilling to do the work flat out said no I’m moving out. At least point if I’m being truly honest I don’t think I want to even be married to someone who is this big of a train wreck . We did talk today as I left for a night last night just to get through the flood of emotions . The honesty that came out of him was pretty dark .
I'm ao sorry you find yourself here. Unfortunately by the story you tell it seems you are dealing with someone who does not deal with stress or emotions, he seeks answers in others and uses you as a scapegoat for his internal turmoil. You did the right thing by not chasing him as he chooses to run away from his own problems and makes you to be the source of his lack of character. The only you can do now is look after yourself and worry about your own well being. Unfortunately when someone goes through these crisis and don't fix themselves, they tend to leave their loved ones behind and hurt. No matter how many times he says sorry it will not be enough because his actions will never match his words. Stay strong and look after yourself as best as you can.
I am sorry you find yourself here for another spell. I’ll paste Cadet’s welcoming post below for reference to some helpful links and tips.
It certainly appears like H did very little internal work, more utilizing external sources to try to fix his unhappiness. That misguided effort, at best, is only short term as one’s unreconciled demons just grow in strength and eventually become too much.
Yes, presently, H is a train wreck. And you know the drill. Give lots of time and space. Focus on you and the kids. GAL.
H has quite a heap of turmoil, lies, actions, etc. to atone for and heal from. Not the typical bomb drop. I suspect the random letter came from OW’s H or significant other. Maybe even her kid(s) or other family/friend(s). It matters not. The cat is out of the bag and H hung on to the lie right until the pictures.
He’s going to have a whole lot of emotions swimming around and likely will lash out at you in much misdirected guilt and shame and anger and justification. Don’t take the bait. Don’t rise up. H’s narrative is just that, a narrative - you know better. Have good strong boundaries on disrespect and “leave the room” when he cross the line.
For right now, breathe. Just breathe. I know the rug was suddenly yanked out from under you. Give yourself time to regain your balance and center.
H is planning on moving out in a few days. This is ok. He has a dark and confusing path ahead of him. And his statement about needing to learn how to live alone is actually pretty true. He needs to grow up and face responsibility and accountability.
Let the dust settle a bit before deciding anything. Let go. Find detachment. You’ve got the gift of time, use it wisely.
Originally Posted by Caligirl
I was honest with him and said I know u have been cheating for years but I ignored it.
Not a great recipe for a relationship, IMHO.
Something to consider, and it is a bit far reaching for right after BD though this is BD2, do not let him move back in too soon. At least 12 months of no OW. Absolutely no contact, or the clock resets. That’s the level of commitment and healing H needs, and you deserve. Like I said, a ways in the future. I only mention it for a mindset/direct for you. To illustrate the timelines involved. That gift of time stuff.
Anyhow, today, breathe. Know you are not alone. (((Hugs)))
I hope to converse more with you.
Be strong.
D
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Welcome to the board.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by Michele Weiner-Davis. The following link is the first chapter:
Once your registration to the site has been completed you can post and start a thread. Please have only one thread active at a time (per forum); it keeps your situation organized and is easier for those following along and posting to you. There are a few forums which help categorize posters’ situations.
When your thread reaches 100 posts, it will be time for you to start a new thread. It is a good idea to link your old thread to your new one, and even link the new one back to the previous one. That makes it easier for the folks following your story. (There is a help thread on linking in the sticky threads at the top section of the forum’s display.) A moderator will “close” your full thread which prevents further posting to it. It is still available to read.
Post in small frequent replies on your thread. Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity can be very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Post on other people’s thread to give support.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you for the reply. Been here before . He is in complete flight mode but has done the usual flip the script . Yesterday I’m sorry it’s all my fault trying to come in the bed for comfort to today the long text of everything I’ve done wrong over the last 10 years and he ll never recover . His family now knows . They are involved . I swear I think mom must have been on this site . Said let him go and see how much he really likes being alone . He’s got to do this on his own . I’m still confused by this entire thing . To one day go from a peaceful marriage that really began to have open communication to him getting caught and flying off the deep end . Goodness I forgot how crazy all this stuff was and how to not pay attention to most of it . Forgot how hard it is . Just to clarify when I said I told him I knew that he has been cheating on me for years that was not after he got caught . I said that during one of our very good and open talks we had months ago . Had he admitted it then we would not be here. Apparently only one of us was being honest .I did say after bomb drop u manipulated me for the last two years and made me feel crazy . Obviously I was not crazy . This evening he’s doing his random check in . He left to go to the park up the street and sent me a big long slew of how he can’t sit there and glare at me and he’s really hurt me and stay out of my way while I pack to go away alone with the kids that he is now to attending because he will be moving . Bunch of spew . I’m not making any decisions on anything but the rope is dropping . I have to go back a read the threads again . Because how do you react to him coming bed not for sex but just to hold you or vice versa ????
So he’s done this to you once… and you worked hard at it for five years to try and save it, and now he’s doing it again (because he was lying to you all along)?
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Because how do you react to him coming bed not for sex but just to hold you or vice versa ????
I left today with the kids . Last I heard was he was moving while I am gone . So random bed stuff will be non existent. I made boundaries clear . When you leave you are not coming into home at random . You have your space I have mine . Last night I decided to just sit out alone on the hill behind our home . Random check from him . Circled round me . Seeing if I would talk or engage . Did not . Continued to enjoy my time outside reading . After time of just doing my thing at home . He asked to go out to the mountains out west here and just talk about anything but our relationship . I agreed . This is what we had been doing for the last few months after the affair ended UN known to me but suspicious-until the random bomb drop from OW. Started dating each other again . He’s definitely doing checks on my behavior and reactions . Apologized for yelling earlier in the week . I just said ok . I’m all over the place here . How do you handle the invites to do things ??? When hours before he’s saying he’s leaving and can’t do this ? Obviously rope was not dropped
I left today with the kids . Last I heard was he was moving while I am gone . So random bed stuff will be non existent. I made boundaries clear . When you leave you are not coming into home at random . You have your space I have mine . Last night I decided to just sit out alone on the hill behind our home . Random check from him . Circled round me . Seeing if I would talk or engage . Did not . Continued to enjoy my time outside reading . After time of just doing my thing at home . He asked to go out to the mountains out west here and just talk about anything but our relationship . I agreed . This is what we had been doing for the last few months after the affair ended UN known to me but suspicious-until the random bomb drop from OW. Started dating each other again . He’s definitely doing checks on my behavior and reactions . Apologized for yelling earlier in the week . I just said ok . I’m all over the place here . How do you handle the invites to do things ??? When hours before he’s saying he’s leaving and can’t do this ? Obviously rope was not dropped
Caligirl,
First off. I'm sorry you are back here. I know what it feels like when you thought you made progress only to be hit with another long term lie. For me - it left me shattered. I no longer realized who I was or why I was still doing the same thing - expecting different results.
Most of us won't drop the rope until our hands have experienced so much rope burn... it's too painful to hold it anymore. None of us on the board can tell you when that it will be for YOU, only that it will come in time.
It's also an act you will do over and over again. Dropping the rope isn't a one and done deal.
From the bleacher seats - it seems like you have two options. You can either continue to be all over the place because your are participating in your H's rollercoaster ride. Or you can choose to place some boundaries on yourself and not participate.
Boundaries on yourself would be to not engage with him. When he asks to go for walks - your response "no thank you". Create as much emotional distance as you can. Physical as well. He has fired you as his w. You are no longer responsible for his well being. None of this is communicated to him btw - this is all done in actions.
I'm going to be honest - this will also feel painful. In fact - it feels awful.To say "this is how I expect to be treated" and watch the other person throw tantrums, push boundaries, and ultimately make the choice not to treat you that way...svcks. But this pain is temporary. And although unlike the first which will continue to tear apart your self-worth... the second option will eventually help you get it back.
You are a prize and are worthy of respect and love. The journey begins with you. The more you can treat yourself in those ways... the better you will feel. The better you feel, the more confident you can be to demand it from others.
Those who don't guard your heart - don't deserve it. This can become your truth - one small step at a time.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
The big struggle is the affair ended right when I knew it did . He called me randomly one day sobbing months ago a few days after his friend was taken off life support . Apologized for not making things right with us for a long time . That not only me but our family was going to be his priority. That he loves me to the depths of the earth and no matter who ever he has been with no one he loves like me . You are the strongest person I know and I’m going to make this right . I never questioned him just had tears falling down my face listening and just let him get it out for over 30 mins . But I knew at that moment he cheated for a long time and regretted it . And it may not have been the right choice but I let it go and his actions followed as he promised they would . Redating his wife . Always checking in and letting me know where he was . Inviting me everywhere with him . Declining invites with the guys for poker night . Even one day gave me to passcode to his phone . I didn’t ask for it . And I never even felt the need to look at it since then . The husband I had for so long waited for finally was there . We had so many talks . The random bomb drop was just that . Like a time bomb buried that was randomly stepped on by a spiteful person that he created . Had it gone off 9 months ago I would have said out the door you go and stay out . I know the number one rule is never try to understand what they are thinking but he has said I’m embarrassed and just can’t even think right . I shouldn’t be married to anyone . You didn’t deserve any of this . He is just a train wreck . He called me earlier I am away with kids . He had texted me earlier wasn’t a question so no answer was needs . Was a make sure you are taking care of yourself I am worried . The call was how are the kids . Gave a few short answers nicely . Didn’t rush off phone but I hung up pleasantly. With in 5 mins he called back and you could just hear it . He doesn’t want to move out . I didn’t tell him he had to since he came clean .
The big struggle is the affair ended right when I knew it did . He called me randomly one day sobbing months ago a few days after his friend was taken off life support . Apologized for not making things right with us for a long time . That not only me but our family was going to be his priority. That he loves me to the depths of the earth and no matter who ever he has been with no one he loves like me . You are the strongest person I know and I’m going to make this right . I never questioned him just had tears falling down my face listening and just let him get it out for over 30 mins . But I knew at that moment he cheated for a long time and regretted it . And it may not have been the right choice but I let it go and his actions followed as he promised they would . Redating his wife . Always checking in and letting me know where he was . Inviting me everywhere with him . Declining invites with the guys for poker night . Even one day gave me to passcode to his phone . I didn’t ask for it . And I never even felt the need to look at it since then . The husband I had for so long waited for finally was there . We had so many talks . The random bomb drop was just that . Like a time bomb buried that was randomly stepped on by a spiteful person that he created . Had it gone off 9 months ago I would have said out the door you go and stay out . I know the number one rule is never try to understand what they are thinking but he has said I’m embarrassed and just can’t even think right . I shouldn’t be married to anyone . You didn’t deserve any of this . He is just a train wreck . He called me earlier I am away with kids . He had texted me earlier wasn’t a question so no answer was needs . Was a make sure you are taking care of yourself I am worried . The call was how are the kids . Gave a few short answers nicely . Didn’t rush off phone but I hung up pleasantly. With in 5 mins he called back and you could just hear it . He doesn’t want to move out . I didn’t tell him he had to since he came clean .
This is starting to sound like your decision making is being influenced by your temporary emotions.
I know you’re in an incredibly hard spot. I don’t envy your position, you must feel torn between demanding to be treated well by him, but also caring deeply for someone you love.
Personally, I think you should avoid this man. You’re going to end up heart broken over and over again if you let your emotions control your decision making.
He has proven time and time again that he can apologise and say what you want to hear when he’s broken/lonely/regretful, but then he’ll still walk away and discard you if it suits him.
Nothing is permanent in his life and brain. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has drinking or drug related addiction issues given these wild swings away and back to you.
About time you put your own mental health first. You’ll always be there if one day he gets it together, but he doesn’t have it together and from what I’m reading, he’s unlikely to ever become stable again.
You and your kids need certainty, stability and calm. Time to draw a line under this, go dark, live separately and place yourself first.
As I envision myself if your shoes, it hurts to read through your update and Kind18's response. I don't know what the right thing to do is in your predicament. I do know that your sitch is hard and I empathize.
The only thing that comes to my mind is what if....I know what if??...what if H is hovering just above rock bottom and you keep on saving him? Some will brace themselves and not let themselves hit.
Mostly I lean towards agreeing with Kind18...it may be the soft spot in me (for your situation) that is questioning. We need to remove the emotional part from our responses. In other words, remove the soft spot.
H needs to feel the loss and suffer the consequences to his decision(s). Let H list out his plans to make things right with you. Don't get excited when he tells you what you want to hear. Instead, respond with, "That's a good start." and go dim.
Sending you lots of hugs and prayers.
H:49 W:49 M:26; T:32 D21; S23 BD1: Feb 2023 (I think it was a BD) BD2: Sept 2023 Moved out: Dec 2023
