Things are busy. I have started school plus still working 2 jobs. Just found out a motion was set for trial in my case with H. That hurts. He and I were talking after 8 months of nothing from him and talked at least twice a week for almost 3 months. Now all of a sudden he's done again and I need to sign the divorce papers. I'm wondering if that's what they talk abt when they talk abt the tunnel and how they will come out test the waters and then get spooked and run back in. I'm sorry I haven't been on here in a while and u asked me how it was going. I shouldn't have unloaded.
As I had mentioned in my reply to grok. The H and I had not spoken in 8 months and I was finally ok. One night in October I look at my phone and there was a text from H asking what I was doing. We have talked at least twice a week since then. We've had very good conversations, with him saying how much I had changed and he was working on him and his relationship with God and he wasn't good for me or anybody else right now. If you're working on your relationship with God, wouldn't that also include working on your relationship with your wife and kids???? IDK I spent Christmas Eve night at my MS apartment and was able to cook Christmas dinner. I invited him to come by and eat, which he did and we had a good visit and continued to have our weekly text. Now this past Sunday night I get a text telling me he's done and he just wants me to sign the papers. If you're working on yourself and your relationship with God, then why rush to divorce???? Why not continue to work on those things and see what happens??? H doesn't answer those type questions, I don't think he understands it either. Just feels the pull to do what he thinks he wants. Almost like it's on his bucket list. I can't say for sure. I think he got upset with me when he went to the dentist and realized I wasn't paying for his dental insurance any longer, I stopped when I got the 2nd set of papers. I think that may have been a kick in the gut so he's gonna pitch a fit and he's done. I could be wrong. He was raised to "get them, before they get you" he may feel like he got, got. IDK Now he's gonna retaliate. What's good for the goose is not good for the gander with him. He is justified in what he does...SMH He did enlighten me that since we haven't lived together in 2yrs he doesn't consider us married and has told people we are divorced. Ok, just because you say it doesn't make it Bible.
Can someone explain???? Was he coming out of the tunnel???? Did he get spooked and now we're gonna start this hell all over?????? So much I don't understand and had really stopped trying to understand until he came out of his rabbit hole and sucked me back in. I will say I am good, I have come a long way and my emotions aren't all over the place. I still have moments when the thought of divorce upsets me but that's more abt not wanting to get screwed in the settlement. I still don't want the divorce, if it happens I will be ok. I have done everything I can to fight for this marriage and will continue to fight for this marriage. God knows my heart and I will continue to trust and believe in him.
I have received 2 sets of papers, the 1st in Sept of 2023, the 2nd set in July of 2024 and now in January of 2025 he just wants me to sign the papers. ABSOLUTELY NOT As I typed those dates I see there is irony to them. Sept is his b'day, July is our anniversary and January is when we started dating 35yrs ago. Coincidence???? Maybe, can someone shed some light????
Where does their empathy go? He knows I am living in a camper but doesn't care that I have to find someplace to bathe in the winter because my water freezes or that my bathroom is a tank that I have to empty. Don't get me wrong I am very thankful that I have what I have, it could be so much worse. It's just not someplace you see yourself after being married for 32yrs. Yet he wants me to have empathy when he talks about what I want in the divorce, saying he has no money.
I think that concludes my rant for the night, especially since it's been a minute since I have been on here. Life has been busy, I started school and I am still working 2 jobs so time is limited. Thanks for reading and any feedback.
Hey grok ... I'm sorry I haven't been on here in a while and u asked me how it was going. I shouldn't have unloaded.
Hey yourself!
I'm at work right now, so a short reply.
Yes, you should unload here. Heh, Please come back in the pool, the water is warm here.
That is why I poked your thread.
Rant away. Here. You are in good company here.
When there is time of course! I know that issue well. Even though my three kids are older, they still require a substantial time investment now that XW has removed herself from much of parenting.
g
H:55 XW:50 D19, D18, S13 ILYBINILWY 3/23 DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24 Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
H and I had not spoken in 8 months and I was finally ok. One night in October I look at my phone and there was a text from H asking what I was doing. We have talked at least twice a week since then.
You’re still ok! You control you! Do not let H drag you back in.
Originally Posted by Whatlee
We've had very good conversations, with him saying how much I had changed and he was working on him and his relationship with God and he wasn't good for me or anybody else right now. If you're working on your relationship with God, wouldn't that also include working on your relationship with your wife and kids???? IDK
Believe nothing he says and only half of what he does.
Originally Posted by Whatlee
Now this past Sunday night I get a text telling me he's done and he just wants me to sign the papers. If you're working on yourself and your relationship with God, then why rush to divorce???? Why not continue to work on those things and see what happens???
Originally Posted by Whatlee
I have received 2 sets of papers, the 1st in Sept of 2023, the 2nd set in July of 2024 and now in January of 2025 he just wants me to sign the papers. ABSOLUTELY NOT As I typed those dates I see there is irony to them. Sept is his b'day, July is our anniversary and January is when we started dating 35yrs ago. Coincidence???? Maybe, can someone shed some light????
Because he is a mess. His emotions are all over the place. Bomb drop, and those subsequent bombs, give him a sense of power and control. Some relief. Of course, it is temporary. A false sense. His demons still torment him.
Special days stir up feelings within these folk. And lots of them do like to enact some “plan” on these dates.
September Birthday - stirs up feelings of mortality. Reminds him that he is getting older; regardless of how much he runs.
July Anniversary - another year has gone by and he is still unhappy. Mortality, lack of life’s goals, exceptionally difficult to take when one is consumed and reliving their past teenager years.
Started dating 35 years ago - oh definitely a date H would like to strike you on. Remember, H has incorrectly assigned you as the cause of his life’s ills. He is also reliving his younger years. Long ago memories swirl around his head like they were yesterday. He has troubles reconciling his time travelled “present” with the current present. He mostly “is” young H, from back in time when he was hurt and emotionally stunted. A guy who wasn’t married. H does know he is married, yet he doesn’t feel it.
Definitely do not sign anything until you have your lawyer look it over.
Originally Posted by Whatlee
Where does their empathy go?
Yes, this is one of the most incredible facets of their transformation. They lack empathy, heck are devoid of empathy for two big reasons. One reason being way more significant than the other.
Firstly, and the smaller “big” reason, time travel. H, the MLcer, the pod person that looks and sounds like H, he is his younger self. He isn’t married, likely hasn’t even met you yet, his trauma might be before age 15. He is that young hurt kids whose parents (or other authority figure) did not protect him. Did not unconditionally love him.
This pod person H, knows his “future” life, knows you, knows he is married, etc; but he doesn’t feel it. He is running from it - the responsibilities, the reminders of age and mortality, etc. He is running from the truth.
The second, and by far bigger reason, his emotions are cranked to eleven and he has no bandwidth for anyone or anything else! Anyone else’s pain or joy or sorrow or elation, he cannot handle. Far too much pressure. H is consumed by his own torment.
My XW threw way our kids. Tossed them aside like used clothes. She turned to plants. Nurturing those. She has somewhere over 500 plants in OM’s house for the past seven years. Plants do not ask questions. Plants are pressure free.
My XW had trouble with our son’s wedding. She is displaying difficulties with the upcoming birth of our twin grandsons. She is having problems with my other son’s upcoming wedding. She is having problems with my Dad’s (her ex FIL’s) death. No do-overs on that.
Time marches on. Life continues while these Van Winkles run around in their past. Reliving, trying various do-overs. They sleep away the present. Special days, poke them to the present moment, and like Rip Van Winkle, years have gone by. Years! So much lost!
Alas, such revelations are more pressure. Most cannot handle it. Their own pain and torment being far too much. They lash out, and they run again. Some, the fortunate one’s, do start to turn and face the real.
Lack of empathy. Along with confusion and depression, is a major hallmark of midlife crisis. The lack/destruction of empathy following the path of most hurt to least. Reconnection and return of empathy follows that same path, only reversed. Least hurt to most hurt. Pets and such first, then friends, family, kids, and finally the most hurt spouse. It takes a long time for a MLCer to regain empathy for their bomb dropped spouse. They have to fix themselves first.
Originally Posted by Whatlee
He knows I am living in a camper but doesn't care that I have to find someplace to bathe in the winter because my water freezes or that my bathroom is a tank that I have to empty. Don't get me wrong I am very thankful that I have what I have, it could be so much worse. It's just not someplace you see yourself after being married for 32yrs. Yet he wants me to have empathy when he talks about what I want in the divorce, saying he has no money.
MLCers will and do, lie and use and gaslight and such. They are master manipulators!
I call BS on H’s saying he has no money!
H will pull on your heartstrings, speak of how you need to be empathic to his plight, all the while your water is freezing. Do not fall for his story!
I totally get not wanting to divorce. Heck, I’m a huge proponent of busting divorce. I’m also a huge proponent of:
If you need financial protection or security - Get It!
Married 32 years. You aren’t the one wanting out of the marriage. You shouldn’t be having to deal with frozen water and such. IMHO.
H will say anything. Use the legal system to his advantage. That incredible lack of empathy - it is incredulous, unbelievable, our once loving spouse turns on us (and kids and anyone else who gets in their way). See beyond the false words and the disingenuous behaviours. H lacks of empathy, H is in crisis, H will lie and coerce, H is not on team Whatlee.
Originally Posted by Whatlee
I still don't want the divorce, if it happens I will be ok. I have done everything I can to fight for this marriage and will continue to fight for this marriage. God knows my heart and I will continue to trust and believe in him.
Good. I do have faith in His plan.
I’ll paraphrase an interesting parable I ran across soon after my XW’s BD.
I man is within a flood. His whole village is flooding. He has climbed upon the roof of his house and the water is rising, being half ways up the walls.
A boat pulls up and the operator calls out for the man to climb aboard. The man on the roof thanks the operator for his kindness and declines his offer, saying that God will save him.
A while later the water is at the roof’s edge. Another boat with survivors comes along and the operators calls out that he has room for him. The man on the roof again thanks the operator and declines, saying that God will save him.
Time goes by, the water now at the peak of the roof, the man standing with his feet in a foot of water. Another boat arrives, the operator and other rescued folks calling him to get into the boat. The man again, declines the offer and says God will save him.
The man awakens in heaven. He is shocked. He asks God what happened? I had faith you would save me. God says, I sent you three different boats.
Ah, freewill. We decide what is and isn’t a boat. Whether we get in or let it by.
(((Hugs)))
Have a great day What.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I hear about the MLCer going back to their time of trauma, whether it be physically, mentally or both, I guess that's what is referred to as replay?
Please don't think I sit around and think about my sitch all the time, because I don't. However, I can't help if occasionally a thought about it does cross my mind.
I think about the time he took a job and moved (only abt 5 months ago) to the place our middle son was born, which was a happy time in our lives, we had only been back together from his quarter life crisis for about a year at that point. Is that part of his journey back to his time of trauma? And just recently after having been in communication with him for 3 months, the 35th anniversary of us starting to date comes around and he's back to no communication and wanting a divorce, is that part of his journey back to his time of trauma?
If he's going backwards to that time and acting out at these special moments, could that mean he's on his way out of this tunnel/crisis? Or is it just me looking for the light at the end of that tunnel (no pun intended), hoping it's coming to an end?
The entire crisis from pre-crisis to post-crisis is all about him reliving his past, accepting the things that he could not change and moving forward. Replay is where they "act out". They revisit the places from childhood, they become young adults again, i.e., some even act like 2 yr olds at time. They need to relive that time in order to understand why they were either mistreated by parents or someone in authority, they didn't receive affirmation, love and or attention as they should have. They could have been emotionally and/or physically abused or had a sibling that their parents treated far better than they did the crisis person. They must go back and revisit that time and we cannot pull them out of the crisis. Why? Because if we do, they will eventually re-enter the crisis and it will be far worse.
They look at us as authority figures and...in some cases, we become their parents in their eyes. They hate authority and they do not want us to tell them what to do or not do. They do not want us telling them what is wrong with them. They think we are the problem; the marriage is the problem.
Also, in some cases, they will resent their own children because they see that the left behind spouse is treating the children well. They have a lot of anger and resentment and think that the grass is greener on the other side. It takes a lot of time for them to hit that brick wall over and over again before they hit rock bottom and start to rise again.
Listen to what he says, sift through the verbiage and you have a better idea of what is going on in his mind. Do not believe anything he says...only the actions. He will project on to you and others what he is actually doing himself. I know that you have been at this a very long time, so do not take anything he says or does personally. He is on a trip to find himself.
Keep the focus on you and your family. Dig deeper for patience. His trip is a going to be a long one.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
