I am glad to read that your situation is turning around. Working together, solving problems together, a willingness towards MC, dating, etc, all good signs.
I agree, do not let go those hard-earned gains. DB, be your best self, be patient, and so on. Continue to be MrP2.0.
W will likely be moving slower than you. After all, she and you walked different paths. Piecing: Dig for patience. W is moving in a positive direction. Good to see you letting her proceed at her pace.
Originally Posted by MrP
I know there were times early on when I came to this forum feeling quite helpless. Once more I say THANK YOU, to all those who've offered advice, moral support, and other perspectives. I hope I'm offering some of the same for others (being a lighthouse of sorts - right?).
Yes, you are offering sage insights and are a lighthouse. Keep shining, here and in real life.
Have a wonderful day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
R2C - I agree 100%. I continue to do this work because I'm confident it helps me be a better person, live more consistently with reasonable values, and is the example I want to provide to D14. Your thoughtful words and those of others on this board remain invaluable. I appreciate how generously people offer their feedback and with positive intentions. At different points in life, I lost sight of that growth and improvement (it's hard! it takes stamina!) and am committed to not letting that happen again.
W will likely be moving slower than you. After all, she and you walked different paths. Piecing: Dig for patience. W is moving in a positive direction. Good to see you letting her proceed at her pace.
D
As always, thanks DnJ. People like you, R2C, SteveLW, job, Boat, Valeska, and more than I can probably recognize right now offer your time and support very graciously. For many of us, it comes at moments when we can feel very alone, are receiving often biased feedback from friends/family, and we're at our best when our decisions need to be. Once more, thanks for all you do.
Great point about W moving at a slower pace. It is definitely the case that I'm working to meet her where she is as she is ready and willing. I've still got plans with friends, time with D14, some solid "me" time, and more on the books at the same time. My IC has been available to meet again so we're doing some work on mental health hygiene for myself. I've also picked up about 20 lbs since the pandemic/March 2020 which I'm trying to chip away at. Continuing this work helps me extend patience to W. It feels different (in a good way) than after DB round 1. W appears to be fully "back in the game" of busting the potential for a D.
Great point about W moving at a slower pace. It is definitely the case that I'm working to meet her where she is as she is ready and willing. I've still got plans with friends, time with D14, some solid "me" time, and more on the books at the same time. My IC has been available to meet again so we're doing some work on mental health hygiene for myself. I've also picked up about 20 lbs since the pandemic/March 2020 which I'm trying to chip away at. Continuing this work helps me extend patience to W. It feels different (in a good way) than after DB round 1. W appears to be fully "back in the game" of busting the potential for a D.
I'm happy to hear you are still taking care of YOU. So many folks forget to in the early stages of piecing - they tend to focus too much back on the marriage. This tends to backfire as the only way we can really know if our spouse's change is true is to just keep on our journey and see if they want to join us on the path.
Couples counseling can be a slow go at it. As long as you see your wife creating and utilizing new coping mechanisms (versus saying she wants a divorce when she hits emotional capacity) than progress is being made.
You're doing great! Keep it up.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Thanks, Valeska. A nice side effect of continuing to make these behaviors my new habits means that, for the most part, they happen more automatically and naturally than when one starts the DB process. I recall how hard it was initially not to try to quickly and directly do what I felt I had to to quell my anxieties. Athletes talk about a point at which whatever their "game" is slows down for them and that is the closest way I can describe how I feel now when challenges arise. I don't feel a need to rush or make snap choices. Taking my time to note my feelings, stay calm, and work through what I've learned these last few years occurs more easily. It is the reward for having the stamina to stick with the process AND focus on your self-worth and development. I'm keeping MWDs books nearby, plus my notes and a copy of The Solo Partner which I've also found valuable. The work continues!
The last 7 pages of this thread - what an uplifting read!
MrP, you’re an inspiration to the board.
Your strengths are you ability to not respond with emotion, not trying to manipulate or control anything .. and gently putting her balls back in her court. Every time she hits the ball to your side of the tennis net you just gently lob it back and let her deal with it.
To me, that’s a fundamental concept of DBing. You manage your problems, and she has to manage hers.
I also think indifference is a key to reconciliation. When you started saying “I’m not sure if I want to save this or try counselling” it made it very clear that you were a strong, proud man and she would have to manage her side of the fence.
I think if you’d jumped excitedly at delaying the divorce and starting counselling, you’d have come across weak and unattractive. People never want or value that which they can obtain easily.
You’re a great example of the success of deep personal improvement and following DB principles.
Hi, all. Sorry for a delay in posting. We went away on a family vacation and then the board seemed to be down for a few days due to website certificate/security issues.
Thanks, Kind for those words. It can still be a struggle at times to take what "feels" like an easier path.....just say yes to delaying the D.....just eagerly say yes to counseling......accept all blame heaped on you....don't take a hard look at one's contributions. The work remains challenging and the benefits of sticking to it are comparably worth it to me.
MC is going very well. We are fortunate to have found a therapist who we both like. She's been very gentle and, I think, providing my W with some individual therapy under the cover of our MC. I can see her drawing on the work of MWD and also Sue Johnson, a guru on emotionally focused therapy. We've both been following through on our assignments, spending more time relaxing together and re-igniting some of the spark from before our D14 was born and we began to "divide and conquer" chores, childcare, and other household work - putting it before maintenance of our marriage. I'm quite happy at how responsive and appreciative W is being towards me and returning that in kind.
This was the most relaxing family vacation in a long while. The three of us, my in-laws, and some close friends of W were in a fairly remote, rural city on a large lake. W and I enjoyed some alone time. At one point, W (who planned this trip expecting we'd be divorced by now) stopped me to say "I'm really happy that you're here". While we continue to build a "new" and better version of our relationship, I'm mindful of not back-sliding. I remind myself of things fellow DBers have said, directly to me or in other posts. Sandy's rules and a few other key ideas remain in my notes on my phone when I need a refresher.
When this board was down, I felt terrible about losing all this wonderful, accumulated knowledge. Losing our anonymous but tight community. I felt bad about being away for so long - know that often happens as our situations resolve themselves....one way or another. I'm glad to be back! And my goal is to keep sharing updates, positive or not, and to try to pay forward the help I received.
Watching the Olympics reminds me of how much practice it takes to perform at our best...under any conditions. DBing is not different. Like an apprentice becomes a journeyperson becomes a master craftsperson, we have to keep working on ourselves. Doing better, sometimes even in a relentless, incremental way. I'm sure a bit of luck helps too.
Be well, everyone. I look forward to catching up on others' situations and offering assistance where I can.
Hi MrP. I'm catching up from site being down and reading through your thread. Happy to read about developments in your sitch - the trials and tribulations over the long 5 years seem to have paid off - you are a different (better) person for you and your daughter and as a bonus, W appears to be peaking out of the tunnel more and seeing things in a different light. I just stop in to say that I'm happy for you and will keep you in my prayers as I follow along. Thank you for keeping hope alive for LBSs who are in a similar path.
H:49 W:49 M:26; T:32 D21; S23 BD1: Feb 2023 (I think it was a BD) BD2: Sept 2023 Moved out: Dec 2023
Thanks, MamaG. And, you're welcome. Being a LBS still haunts me. It nags in the back of my head if ever I think W is angry or disappointed with me in the slightest. Thankfully, new habits and confidence help me power through those feelings and remember how I got to this point - and remind me what I need to continue to do to make more progress. I look forward to catching up on your situation. All of our situations are hard. Many are unfair. But we are the people most responsible and in control of our happiness. If we don't put the work in, who else will?
Hi, all. I hope each of you is doing as well as possible. W and I continue on a positive path of reconciliation. Finally finding an effective MC (for both of us) makes an incredible difference. Our MC is pushing me to think differently about how I used to turn away from W when she would be critical or when her anxiety might lead to a variety of impulsive, angry actions. W has been owning up to her contributions more than ever before in our M. MC has a very gentle way of asking W how well W's thoughts and actions had been serving her in our M, previous relationships, and other parts of life. W is also doing an incredible job of clearly and specifically communicating what she wants or needs. In general, nothing's been undoable or unreasonable. In a recent session when W acknowledge how sending me mixed messages about things was unfair, I couldn't help but tear up at the acknowledgement. W said she was over-relying on me to be the solution to all kinds of issues that might pop up for her....and over-blaming me for being the cause of negative things that happen to W. I've also been working on putting clear boundaries in place with my mom (who readers may recall was upset as I've been putting W first more often over the last 5 years). While mom is still bothered, she seems to be slowly accepting that this is how it is.
We still have moments. I may feel a flash of anger about something W says or does. I can see W's response behind her eyes is a step away from yelling at or criticizing me. But, 99.9% I see us both truly working to make this marriage what we both want. It has only been two months since W dismissed the D filing so I don't want to be naive about that. Sustained improvement is a longer-term thing. And, continuing to GAL has been so helpful for my own self-care. I attended a concert with my college roommate, singing way too much and staying out way too late. I've also knocked out 8-10 projects that have been on my to-do list for over a year.
Sitting down and making a list of all the things in our control that we want to get done is a powerful thing in my experience. Closing bank accounts that are no longer needed. Fixing a screen. Going for a bike ride. Having a favorite meal alone. Donating old clothes. Getting a massage. You name it. Talk about staying busy and getting some small, confidence-building accomplishments under your belt - THIS is really good stuff. I encourage you to jot down 3-5 things (non-relationship related) that you want or need to do in the next two weeks and GET THEM DONE! Let us know how it goes! As Sandi's rules say WRT our relationships - be patient....very patient....too.
