Grief and Gratitude, Grok - Shifting

[grok]

Thanks DnJ. It has been a good weekend…though as you’ll see below not without LIFE. It turns out $450 was owed for the medical bill. W had put her email but my physical address. I asked for a paper copy to be sent to me so I can take care of it.

Well,…. Adventures good and bad continue! I continue to make my focus me and my children and our lives.

Hat tip to Clint Eastwood movies…

The Good

Just about all set for our trip to CA to visit my side of the family. We leave in 10 days. For two weeks. Pet care is pretty much all settled using several of D19 and D17’s friends. The dogs will be in a kennel though.

A bunch of the new pictures (selected by me D17 and D19) are up on the wall along with a gold framed mirror on clearance that D17 and I picked. Most of the pictures W had put up over the years are taken down. The decor is morphing into ours sans W.

The Bad

Saturday evening S12 pipes up and says “Dad, that doesn’t sound right”. I hear an intermittent screeeeeech sound out by the outside AC unit. UGH! $%^#&#$%^. Again?!

It sounded like the fan motor bearings going bad. The motor is too hot to touch. Off goes breaker. I swap the new fan blades for the old ones just to check … since the new ones seem to cause MORE vibration than the old damaged ones. Grrrrrr. Sure enough it is smoother and less vibrations but the screeeeeeching comes back intermittently and the motor is still HOT. I FaceTime my dad for a second opinion. He agrees with my diagnosis.

#$^#$%^$. I mean last month when I repaired the AC I had ordered a new motor but didn’t use it because it seemed to be working fine after a capacitor replacement and operating for a week. I just sent that new motor back. And now ordered it again! ($250) It will get here on Wednesday.

Problem is I leave Monday morning for a work trip to CA…the other side of the US. I’ll be back on Friday. I can’t leave a failing electric motor on while I’m not here. Off I run to Sam’s Club to buy a portable AC unit before they close. A 10,000 BTU unit to keep the downstairs below 78 F is costly ($450) but …. We do what we have to. …. I set it up idownstairs and the upstairs reaches 92F during the day. We sleep downstairs.

I’ve set up the kids for the coming week while I’m gone. We shopped for foods. To keep cool they will live and sleep mostly in the downstairs half of the house while I’m gone this week. W’s only remark was D17 and D19 are fine for the week.

The Ugly.

Little dog 2. Some weeks back one of the kids noticed a good sized lump on his behind that seemed to be an ugly color and be weeping. Uh Oh. As I was gone on business travel for the week, kids took a look at it and he got snappy. So W came by and scheduled a vet visit. The soonest was two weeks later. In the mean time I set up kenneling for our upcoming trip to CA. I discovered that W had dropped taking care of the doggies vet requirements. So, updated shots and preventative medicines for all the dogs before kenneling - $650. Little dog 2 diagnostic tests - $700.

As I was there to get all three dog shots taken care of I talked to the vet about little dog 2’s test results. Cancer. Decent sized lumps under the lymph nodes. It is time just for making sure he is comfortable for whatever remaining days are given. I kept thinking about how to talk to the kids about this. And Fear. And Dread.

Wait. What have I learned about Fear this last year and a half? What do I control?

When I got home D17 asked ”What did the doctor say?” She had been asking me for a week to talk to the vet. Moment of truth. I will just be Dad, the emotional rock they can rest on and count on. Tell them straight.

”Little dog 2 has cancer. It can’t be fixed. We will love on him for whatever days he has left.”

S12 burst into tears and left the room. But was back in a couple minutes. I answered their questions. I gave them hugs. They seemed sad but accepting.

the bill will come due
There will be a BIG bill coming due next fall when I have to pay off this past year and a half's extra expenses. ($15k?) I'm gaming the system a little putting it all on interest free credit cards for a year +. I am being safe though, I do have investments / emergency funds I can tap to pay it off if most of this isn't resolved by then.

g

[DnJ]

Good Morning g

Sorry about your pooch. The loving critters certainly are part of the family; it’s rough when they get sick / old. (((Hug)))

Telling the kids straight was/is best.

Love your wisdom regarding fear and dread, and that which you can control. Spot on.

Most of the pictures W had put up over the years are taken down. The decor is morphing into ours sans W.

Yep. Nice to see the kids’ input in creating the/their decor.

The AC motor, surprise medical bill, vet visits, a bit of financial stress for sure. You got it under control IMO, more just the timing of things. Do what you can, and don’t fret, it’ll all get there.

Nine days, and then you and the kids are off to CA for two weeks. Have a great time!

D

[MamaG]

Oh G, I've been saying that when it rains, it pours (also literally on-and-off pouring for weeks over here, lol). Reading through your update makes me realize my 'hard' Saturday was not so hard after all.

Yet, in your update, I found so much positive. And, great delivery in Clint Eastwood style.

You've redecorated. NICE! A fresh feel and update without W reminders.

Pet care is in place - kid friends come handy, and I'll bet they're excited to step up to the challenge.

Impressive that you found an AC for purchase mid-August! Where I live, they've been severely discounted for some time with few left on shelves - it was a HOT July here.

Thankfully, W is comfy with current state (smh):

W’s only remark was D17 and D19 are fine for the week.

The benefits of Grok2.0 to the rescue:

I will just be Dad, the emotional rock they can rest on and count on. Tell them straight.

I am so sorry to hear about your fur baby. If yours are like mine, they've been a bit of a lifeline since BD...well, since adoption really. Mine are two 12-year-old doggies and one of them is in the same predicament...taking him on Friday. Hoping for the best.

And, to close with another positive...

I'm gaming the system a little putting it all on interest free credit cards for a year +. I am being safe though, I do have investments / emergency funds I can tap to pay it off if most of this isn't resolved by then.

Using the noggin' to not tap investments when the option of interest free borrowing is available. Love it! The expenses don't get forgiven but at least you're capitalizing where you can.

Keep the positives flourishing. CA is a short couple weeks away - wishing you a great trip with the family.

[grok]

Thanks MamaG,

Reminders of the positive are appreciated. Even when I wrote them! I can have a hard time with seeing…when I get wrapped up with the hard bits.

(If you want to see, make an alternate anonymous account on that giant social media site that is a book of faces LOL and use MamaG as your name, something DB related as last name)

I’ve read Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce by Elizabeth Marquardt

And now I’m struggling to read Primal Loss: The Now-Adult Children of Divorce Speak by Leila Miller (A free PDF of her book is on her website)

Oh, not because I’m a poor reader (my 15 bookcases say otherwise) but because it hits so hard to KNOW my children will experience this. I must … to be able to see it in them and do what I can.

When my melancholy and awareness of destruction, across generations hits…. It is cold and dark.

So Cold - Breaking Benjamin

[Verse 2]
If you find your family, don't you cry
In this land of make-believe, dead and dry
You're so cold, but you feel alive
Lay your hand on me, one last time

[Chorus]
Show me how it ends, it's all right
Show me how defenseless you really are
Satisfied and empty inside
Well, that's all right
Let's give this another try

“The setting is the 19th century, and first depicts a preacher positioned by a swamp. The camera then moves to a large group of individuals walking through a forest. One of these people can be seen carrying a large stone with the Breaking Benjamin Celtic knot engraved on it. The man is being punished and tortured for the crime of infidelity and unfaithfulness towards his wife, chained to the stone throughout the video. When the video is almost over, the rest of the people finally arrive at the swamp where the preacher is located. The man carrying the stone willingly walks into the swamp and drowns to death. During the video's climax, the man's wife stands over the swamp he drowned in adorned in a black robe, and the other woman is adorned in a white robe.
(tldr: he’s chained to the stone so he can’t let go and he’s being executed for cheating on his wife)”

g

[grok]

On the airplane,
on the way home,
missing my children,
had a good week in southern CA working and socializing with workmates from HQ and around the nation.

I walked 8+ miles yesterday to work off some of the great food eaten while socializing. The axe throwing social event didn’t burn enough. And I did find trinkets for the kids to bring back. Little hand painted frog figurines that have a wobbley tung stick

I am pretty detached now but it still feels like there is a giant hole in my life. Like a limb is missing. The asymmetry in affairs is difficult…at least in the short term. The cheater is looking forward to their “wonderful” fantasy relationship thinking it makes things better. The LBS is looking at loss and hardship. This hits our notions of fairness right in the face.

STBXW is still focused on OM even though I don’t believe they meet in real life right now. Every now and then I see the behaviors where I know she thinks she is messaging him. I saw them while daily checking my security cameras to see how my children were doing without me at home.

My snooping many many months ago found messaging to the effect of “I’ll just go and pine away for you in my RV for years … waiting for you to resolve your situation”. … meaning dump his current wife. Last year I heard every rationalization that dumping his current wife had nothing to do with her romance with him. That was just between OM and current wife. Yeah, as if. Accountability kryptonite…

No, I wasn’t checking on STBXW. You see, on my last week long work trip she only showed up at the home for 3 or 4 hours in the evening each day. I check to see how long my children have been alone. I try to FaceTime the kids multiple times a day to make sure they don’t feel alone and that I’m still running the home.

Thankfully, W is comfy with current state (smh)

Despite what she said, this trip STBWX behaved a little different. She stayed in the home overnights and most of the daytimes. How much value that has?

I think more for S12. He knows the least about her choices. I don’t think he knows about OM. And has the most schoolwork to catch up on. He seemed kind of down a lot when I called him.

D17 was a bit testy about doing lots of chores, on her own initiative!, to keep the dishes done and things cleaned up. She complained that D19 just excused herself because she is soooo tired after work and S12 didn’t want to help out. The implied subtext is STBXW was NOT helping out with anything but the dogs.
G, ”D17, I’ll talk with S12 and D19. You did great, thank you. Don’t worry. I’ll fix things when I get home.”

D19 expressed ”mama is here to walk the dogs. I don’t know what everyone else is doing. They are all kind of just doing their own thing all week. They all stay up very late and keep me up.” The implied subtext is STBXW was NOT parenting or controlling the home. Just present.
G, “OK D19, I’ll be home Friday evening. We’ll have bedtimes and order.”.
D19, ”THANK GOODNESS”

Heh, even at 19, appreciating parental order and structure.

Primal Loss by Leila Miller
Forward

“In the Divorce Fantasy World, there are only two choices. Unhappy parents stay miserably married and fight for the rest of their lives, or they get divorced and everyone lives happily ever after. The idea that one or both parents should change their behavior doesn’t register as an option, nor does the idea that the divorce might seriously wound the kids.”

”Each parent is half of who the child is. When the parents reject each other, they are rejecting half of the child. They may tell the child, “We still love you; we just don’t love each other.” The child cannot make sense of this impossible contradiction.”

Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce by Elizabeth Marquardt

How a child perceives parental differences in an intact family: (H <—> W) <—> (child).
The parents resolve the differences before it reaches the child..

How a child perceives parental differences in a divorced family: (H) <—> (child) <—> (W).
The child has to resolve the differences inside themselves.

g

[grok]

Well, never dull.

What I find
I arrived home on Friday to find W parked in the driveway…in the middle. I couldn’t pull in so I waited as she rushed back into the house and came out soon with what looked like a large laundry basket. And off she drove.

In I go to S12 and D17 as D19 is working a child watching side job. I give love to them. Check the portable AC is still fine. Check to see the AC fan motor came in. I’ll wait until the morning to work on it. I’m tired. And hungry. Although it looks like few dishes clean. The sink and counter are piled high. D17 said she did some but no one else for the five days I was gone….

Phew! What is the dog poop smell? I see little dog 2 run by and follow the smell to find a steaming pile on the carpet. Ugh…Did no one let the dogs out? And then I see seven more tiny piles of what look like dried diarrhea. On the carpet. I get paper towels and pick up the new pile.

G, ”S12, D17, what is going on here? Is this dog poop on the floor? “
D17, ”Yeah, little dog 2 was having trouble.”
G, ”Why didn’t anyone clean it up?”

No good answer was forthcoming and I wasn’t going to say anything negative about W to them. Dog poop left on the floor is its own statement. No dishes done is its own statement.

The day after

W comes by to take D17 to Saturday gymnastics at 8am. I notice a message later from W to our family group chat, ”Can someone get D17 from gym at 11? I’m busy today preparing for my craft fair market tomorrow.”. It’s not an emergency. I’ll discuss with D19 when she wakes up. Like we aren’t busy? I don’t reply.

Then, I’m tired still…but man up G, get the AC fixed. I go and remove the old fan motor…taking pictures of where the wires go. The connections are pretty dirty and stiff so I rummaged around and found a can of contact cleaner I’ve had for years. Now I go to put the new motor on and…. Ack. The four bolts don’t quite go into the holes!

Examining the issue I find the motor bolt pattern is about 1mm closer together than the holes in the support…. Hmmmm…. Practical solution is make the holes in the support a tiny bit bigger on the inside so they are effectively closer together. I need a round file and I can’t find one on my bench. I’ll have to run to the store to get one.

D19 replies in the group chat, “yes”. I tell her I have to run to the store over by D17 anyway and there is some confusion about 11 or 12 end times for D17’s gymnastics. The official hours are until 12. D19 suggests I go to the store now and swing by the gym in case it is an 11 pickup and I agree. I note she does NOT suggest calling W.

I go and pick up a bundle of small files then swing by the gym. Sure enough it was an 11 pickup. I give one of D17’s gym friends a ride home also. The gym’s AC failed the other day and the hours were reduced because of the heat.

Re-assembly of the AC fan unit is completed and it works! Hooray! No screeeeeching sounds. The new fan blades still seem a little less balanced than the old. I’m not concerned in the short run.

Now I get out the carpet spot cleaner and the wet vac and spent an hour cleaning all the dog poop up.

- Lunch -

D17, ” Dad, Dad, Dad, take us to the store. We need to get things for our trip!”.

So off we four went. Some clothes. Some activities for the plane ride. Misc stuff needed.

NOW I unpack and start loads of laundry. Start the children on all the deferred chores. Kids on their own start the packing process for a few hours.

The next morning

1am little dog 2 is barking. I go hush him.
1:30am little dog 2 is barking. I go hush him.
2am little dog 2 is barking. %^#%$^. He is staring at big dog. OH. Big dog threw up in his crate. I pull him out and pick up the throw up. I pick up the crate and wipe it down. I place the crate down in a different place because I’ll have to wet vac that area during the daytime. I put big dog back in crate and zzzzzz

7am go get big dog for morning walk….. OH, there is diarrhea in the crate on the floor. *sigh* Take the dog for a walk. Pick up crate and wipe it down. Get out wet vac for when everyone is awake. Make breakfast things. Get ready for church. Wet vac the floor in multiple locations.

…etc… I think we are mostly caught up. Now writing at midnight. Many things to say or reply to but when?

D19 just returned home from bowling with friends. She comes over and lays on the bed beside me watching reels. I need to send her to bed...LOL.

Grief, Gratitude, Grok, all in one
I was talking with S12 about some activities.

S12, ”Dad, are we going to do that one as a family, the four of us?”

D19, D17, S12 and I are Family. No mention of W.


g

[grok]

Wednesday on the way to CA
Routing on our trip to CA made a long day to get less expensive tickets. The second flight was IAD to SMF, a 5.5 hour leg. So, I’ll pull some thoughts while D19 is emoting unhappily next to me about how airplanes make her feel bad and I practice validation of feelings.

I have this whole series of thoughts that all somehow fit together. I’m not quite sure how to tie them and interlock them.

- Freedom in faith vs bondage in law from Galatians

- Anarchy vs vows/covenants from GK Chesterton.

- Chaos (feminine) vs Order (masculine) from MarriedRedpill and more

- Women who walk away vs good men from @thehappywifeschool on YouTube

- Victim vs Victim’s Mentality from Tony Evans

YouTube
I’ve been watching a bunch of YouTube videos lately on relationships and attraction. Mostly from recommendations here and a few that found linked to them. I’ve been learning a lot. Do I take it all at face value? No, but there is a lot of truth there.

@thehappywifeschool
@CaseyZander
@LFA
@bettercallgeorge924
@hoe_math and female reactions to his analysis
@FarfromEden
@itsmelanieking
etc…

Loss
@thehappywifeschool has a series talking to W. Teaching them about their own dark sides and nature. Where their unhappiness comes from. She has one addressed to LBH -When Your Wife Leaves You: Three Things Good Men Need to Know. I find her message lines up with DB concepts

- Accepting the Reality of the Situation - The existing R or M is GONE.

- Growth Through Adversity - If you do the work you will experience tremendous growth

- 1 Your Wife Leaving is a Loss - Accept it is a LOSS.

- 2 Your Wife Will Have Her Emotional Hooks in You - DETACH or be dragged. Let go.

- 3 Time to Find Yourself and Rebuild - In all the roles you have assumed over the years, who are YOU?

- Message for Women Who Are Leaving - Wherever you go, there you are with the same unhappiness. Leaving does NOT solve your problems. i.e. You are not the source of her unhappiness. Wherever she goes, she her unhappiness will be there (You didn’t break her, You can’t fix her)

Depression, despair and a victims mentality
Segments pulled from from Tony Evans': Encouragement that Calms Fears

Most of us know at least discouragement. Discouragement typically is related to a loss of something. You discourage because you lost your job.
…
You discourage because you lost your health. You discourage because the bills have climbed up and you've lost your financial freedom. But when discouragement continues and elongates itself, discouragement devolves into depression.
…
Depression is discouragement on steroids. It's discouragement that now has produced an ongoing level of gloom, an ongoing level of emotional pain. And when discouragement becomes depression, depression unresolved becomes despair.
…
And when depression becomes despair, that ongoing discouragement produces a sense of hopelessness. You see no way out. You see that there's gonna be no exit sign.
…
There's no way to get around this thing. There's no way to beat this thing. It will not go away.

So here we are (I was), the LBS. Discouraged > Depression > Despair.

And there is a need for a supernatural intervention into your emotional stability and wellbeing. That's our situation with Elijah. He's gonna find himself, what many of us have often found ourselves, in a black hole, because his whole world is gonna be turned upside down in a day.
…
A victim's mentality is a mindset that you adopt because of negative circumstances that says, I'm where I am because everybody else is where they are.
…
That's a victim's mentality. Now, you can be a victim, but you are to never adopt a victim's mentality where everybody else is responsible for where you are.
…
A victim's mentality is because of them, I'm here. And as long as you have that kind of mentality, you'll always be there. You may be a victim, but you are to never adopt the victim's mentality because then that allows you to put off being responsible to make the change you should make because they're not making the change they should make.”
…
There are some things in your life that are never ever gonna change. Those people are not gonna change, those kids not gonna change, that mate not gonna change, Jezebel's not gonna change, your boss not gonna change, the circumstances is not gonna change, but if you live for their change, you become their victim. And that's a victim's mentality.
….
It may not be right. It may not, it may be evil. So you may be a victim, but that's different than adopting the mindset of a victim.
…
If it wasn't for this situation, I wouldn't be here. Okay, that may be true, but they may never change. So what are you gonna do?

What are YOU (am I) going to do? Are you (am I) going to be responsible for making the changes you should make?

There is a LOT of good advice right here in this forum. Doesn’t make it easy. It doesn’t change the question.

What depression, discouragement, despair often brings is distorted information.
…
So Elijah is by himself, because depression gets worse if there's nobody in your life to change your thinking. See, if you're feeling sorry for yourself and you're talking to yourself, that's a bad conversation for yourself. You're already feeling sorry, and there's nobody to talk to but you, about you, regarding you, to tell you what you ought to do, and you aren't in a place to even hear you correctly, and what you are telling you is only related to how you feel, then your discussion with yourself is helping yourself to become worse off about you.

You need to be lifted out of your discouragement through honesty with God, through taking care of yourself physically in order to get the rest you need or the help you need, and to have somebody in your life who loves you
…
and you need to know from somebody who can see outside of you

Well, you are HERE (I am HERE). Take care of yourself. Talk to and Listen to those here outside of yourself.

Some things won’t change
If you live for their.change you become their victim
That is a victims mentality

Rediscovering who I am and who I want to be.

Want by Birdtalker

I don't want to have feet of stone
I want to follow this river of life where
It will have me go
I don't want to have feet of stone

I don't want to have a dagger tongue
I don't want my words to be a weapon
But a healing bond
I don't want to have a dagger tongue

I don't want to have a heavy mind
I don't want to hold these thoughts
That are chains of iron
I don't want to have a heavy mind

I want to have eyes of love
Count the beggar mans life precious life as my own
Offer my back for my brothers load
I want to have eyes of love

g

[Cadet]

Rediscovering who I am and who I want to be.

THIS is the hard thing to do - BUT it is what YOU must do!

Have faith that it will happen.

[grok]

Return day
Two weeks later and I’m back. Vacation time was good for the soul. Although I’ve been reading others stories on and off, I focused on being present in the moment with parents, sisters, niece and nephew, some old friends from high school I’d lost touch with, and assorted others. Trying mostly successfully to not let today, court day, be on my mind.

Out in CA, we ended up swimming, boating, and paddle boarding in seven (or 8 for D17 and D19) bodies of water. Lakes and rivers are all good to swim in unlike my home state. Time spent at 1000, 2000, and 6000 feet elevation. Stickers bought at a variety of visits to put on our water bottles.

Perhaps another time I’ll tell some stories. I can tell S12, D17, and D19 had a good time…because when we got home and finally in bed…I visited each one when they had tears an hour and a half later. ”Dad, I miss them!”.

Yesterday started at 0200 wake up for 0230 departure. (After the kids were up with cousins and their Nana until after 11pm). An hour drive to the airport, bag check in and wait for security to open up at 0400. Boarding at 0430 and 0500 departure. The flights still made D19 nauseous, but they all slept most of the flights. Small blessings. It was 4:30p on the east coast by the time we got home.

D19 and I went and picked up the dogs from the kennel and vet. Her eyes popped wide when she heard the bill. Three dogs for 13 nights plus treating big dog for an infection. I’ve been having a slow conversation with the children about how much pets actually cost to have….

Dropped them at home and off to the grocery store to get us through a few days. A rotisserie chicken and veggies and fruits and of course popsicles. Made some dinner. AND off to the brew pub for Trivia Night GAL! Friendly fun for two hours. Me time.

Then minor prep for D day. I review the court’s emails. I print a set of all the documents just in case. STBXW stops at the curb for goodnights. Interesting phrasing sometimes from her, “I am outside for whoever wants to come out.”

Court day
Up and cared for dogs, made basic breakfasts, got myself presentable, then helped D19 before she left for work with a tire mostly flat, slow leak, 10psi.

I departed for the court into standstill traffic outside our neighborhood. Curiously enough I see STBXW pass by in the traffic just before I pull out. Here we are going to court and we keep ending up side by side in traffic. She pulls in behind me after a while but I chose a different route then her. I find a space in a city parking garage. When I came back out later, I found she had parked four spaced down from me. Of all the many floors and hundreds of spaces. So many of our patterns remain so similar to each other.

I went and sat by her outside the courtroom and on the benches in the courtroom. I think I was successful at being calm, polite, non-hostile, busy with my own work. The Judge was very fast with us. Mediated and no lawyers and no outstanding disputes. STBXW did forget to mention child support was non-standard and mentioned to me after we walked out of the courtroom. I suggested she talk with the judge’s case manager. I walked away, busy with MY life, and didn’t follow her. We’ll see if this creates the final order or not. Don’t know.

Got a haircut/beard trip. Gassed up the truck and got slushies while there for D17 and S12 at home. Worked on health care three stage high deductible payments…to make sure I’m claiming all the right things. Living life. Not much thought about STBXW even today.

I was only knocked down feeling crushed I can’t breathe twice today. EA/PA and D is f*** evil.
g

[DnJ]

Good Morning g

What a wonderful vacation. Family and friends; lakes and rivers; good for the soul indeed.

Yes, the cost of pets is rather eye opening.

It sounds like the court case went smoothly. Glad there were no surprises or hostilities.

It is perfectly normal for your emotions to rise and fall over the next while. The courtroom proceedings/decisions being another facet to be grieved. Once decree is in writing, is also another level to work through. You know the drill. You got this.

Have an awesome day grok! (And maybe a slushy. Another thing good for the soul. )

D