a “death without a funeral”. There’s no grave or headstone. No eulogies are offered. No songs are sung, no memories shared. But there has been a death.
I am now divorced.
g
H:54 W:50 D19, D17, S12 ILYBINILWY 3/23 DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23 DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-5 & W moves out 8/23 – 3/24 Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
G, I typed a response. Then I deleted it as I felt that it didn't add any value. I don't have enlightening information nor direction to provide. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm at a loss. Wish I could reach through this screen and make it all go away. You know...in true "I'm a fixer" style. LOL.
Know that you are cared for by friends you've touched with your updates.
Your update struck me. I felt your 'death without a funeral' like it was my own. And, out in this unpredictable world, a grown woman is crying.
{{{hugs}}}
H:49 W:49 M:26; T:32 D21; S23 BD1: Feb 2023 (I think it was a BD) BD2: Sept 2023 Moved out: Dec 2023
10:20pm Dogs walked and in bed. Last snacks for S12, "but I'm hungry, dad." S12 and D17 have lunches packed for tomorrow's homeschool coop. D19 at a friends for a sleepover. Lights almost all out.
D17 bounces down the stairs, "Dad! Dad! Does this look OK?!" She poses in loose ripped jeans, light brown woven belt, turquoise ribbed wide shouldered tank top. Skin colored bra strap pokes out from under on one side.
I pause and consider the ensemble. Is it OK for a homeschool coop? Tasteful, exposure minimal, colors coordinate and balance, her favored gold earrings will match.
"Yes D17, it is OK for tomorrow."
D17 rolls her eyes. "Yeah, Yeah, but is it CUTE?!"
Ah! After all my poking around this last year on the nature of female feelings and rules of attraction I understand instantly. (grok)
"Yes D17, it IS cute." For it is a cute outfit.
I've learned to rate and validate the cuteness or the level or "feels" clothes and other things bring to D17 and D19.
I have a variety of feelings (grief and gratitude) - that Dad is the one they come to and ask. I ponder - that girls use their father to measure future men in their lives. It feels weighty, and light weight at the same time.
g
H:54 W:50 D19, D17, S12 ILYBINILWY 3/23 DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23 DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-5 & W moves out 8/23 – 3/24 Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
Wish I could reach through this screen and make it all go away. You know...in true "I'm a fixer" style. LOL.
Thanks MamaG. I think that is why all of us are here. Kindred spirits of a sort.
Originally Posted by MamaG
Know that you are cared for by friends you've touched with your updates.
This means a lot to me. As there is NO one but the readers who know this much of my story.
Originally Posted by MamaG
Your update struck me. I felt your 'death without a funeral' like it was my own. And, out in this unpredictable world, a grown woman is crying.
{{{hugs}}}
Death <> Divorce
a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one Genesis 2:24, Matthew 19:5, Mark 10:8, Ephesians 5:31
It is a Death...to be torn apart to become two again, the one ... dies ... and the injury and hurt are VERY similar. And you start to understand ...
In my readings here I came across comparisons that hit hard. Here are two threads I can find right now. Worth reading. Keep tissues handy. Click the link.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
If someone had asked me before I went through this which was worse… having your spouse leave you for another person or having them die, I would have chosen the latter, no doubt. I would have said that someone dying is so much worse than having them leave…and it is…for the person who died…because they don’t get to live anymore. But for the person left behind…not so much.
Losing a partner to cancer is different than the loss of a partner through Divorce. Similarly the same, yet totally the opposite. From my perspective, the difference being that one, (divorce), was a conscious decision that had been made, whereas losing a partner to death is NOT a decision. It is the total opposite of a decision. If anything can lesson the pain, it is that.
Waiting for the end to come Wishing I had strength to stand This is not what I had planned It's out of my control Flying at the speed of light Thoughts were spinning in my head So many things were left unsaid It's hard to let you go
(Oh) I know what it takes to move on (Oh) I know how it feels to lie (Oh) All I wanna do Is trade this life for something new Holding on to what I haven't got
g
Last edited by grok; 09/17/2403:54 AM.
H:54 W:50 D19, D17, S12 ILYBINILWY 3/23 DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23 DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-5 & W moves out 8/23 – 3/24 Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
When I got my final papers, I had to get them notarized. So I stood with 3 people that I didn't know very well, so that they could witness the end of my marriage.
3 people that didn't know me, or her. Didn't know the joys and sadness, the trials and tribulations, the for richer or poorer, the sickness and health of our marriage....
And they watched it end with a click of a pen....
What it didn't do however, was to change my heart, my feelings or emotions, and it sure as heck didn't take away my memories of it.
With that click of the Bic, I had a million emotions wash across me in an instant, and I felt the sting from a thousand needles while a tear welled in my eye.....
Then it was gone. Or at least the intensity of it was gone.
That paper doesn't and won't define what your marriage was, and it sure as F won't define who YOU are....
Feel this, let it burn deep for a minute, then process it and let it go....
Your vows have nothing to do with your spouse, Ex-spouse, or even the legal side of a marriage....
Stay strong grok, i feel like im on the same boat as you. Its true, while a death is hard to process emotionally, losing a spouse youve spent your whole life together and built a partnership with, it is one of the most painful and devastating losses one can experience. Its a lingering pain, you that you know you will have to live with whether it be ever present or a nagging thought or emotion in the back of your sunconscious. I too like you am nearing the end of half a lifetime with someone. Even thinking about the final stroke of the pen can bring a sudden feeling of a loss of ones own self being. Just know that I am rooting for you and that you come out of the other side of this with your head held high and a sense of relief of an end to that chapter.
a “death without a funeral”. There’s no grave or headstone. No eulogies are offered. No songs are sung, no memories shared. But there has been a death.
Hi Grok, as Mama suggests, I'm not sure I've got the right words so will just say that you have a community here for continued support. Take time to mourn the loss (some say it can be second only to experiencing a death), do good things to care for yourself, and continue re-booting your individual life to the best extent possible. All the best, P.
