I don’t know I fully realized until recently how hard this would be again to do . H continues to follow me around when home . Telling me he loves me to the point of nausea. Complimenting me . This has been going on for months but more of an uptick of it now . Randomly other night I’m assuming it was middle of night . H says I really love you more than anything and I’m sick that I hurt you this bad. I responded I know because I didn’t know what to say . I’m still working on getting better at my hearing skills and validating . Feels good to not be so chatty and just listening because that little voice really wanted to just give it to him but I didn’t and for that I’m proud. But also paying more attention to actions a bit more . New clothes were definitely noticed but I don’t really care H noticed ,feels good just to dress nicer. I’m struggle when I read about people changing and growing for themselves as I have been for many years content and very happy with my path ,with who I am and how I manage my life . The more I look back at the last two years of me saying nothing about H and his habits and A ,maybe I was unintentionally DB and not even realizing it. I continued on with life . Continued to do things I loved and built a stronger network around me with solid life long relationships . Ignored his craziness to the best of my ability. The deeper I dive in there’s not much I would change except standing up for myself a little bit more . But I also didn’t take it lying down either . Over the last year I have said multiple times I deserve someone who wants to be with me and build a life . If that’s not you then go but don’t string me along and throw me bread crumbs . At some point I’m going to have to talk to H because I can only validate for so long and move along . I have been asked countless times by H to just talk about me .I respond with I need a lot more time and some space .
I don’t know I fully realized until recently how hard this would be again to do . H continues to follow me around when home . Telling me he loves me to the point of nausea. Complimenting me . This has been going on for months but more of an uptick of it now . Randomly other night I’m assuming it was middle of night . H says I really love you more than anything and I’m sick that I hurt you this bad. I responded I know because I didn’t know what to say . I’m still working on getting better at my hearing skills and validating . Feels good to not be so chatty and just listening because that little voice really wanted to just give it to him but I didn’t and for that I’m proud. But also paying more attention to actions a bit more . New clothes were definitely noticed but I don’t really care H noticed ,feels good just to dress nicer. I’m struggle when I read about people changing and growing for themselves as I have been for many years content and very happy with my path ,with who I am and how I manage my life . The more I look back at the last two years of me saying nothing about H and his habits and A ,maybe I was unintentionally DB and not even realizing it. I continued on with life . Continued to do things I loved and built a stronger network around me with solid life long relationships . Ignored his craziness to the best of my ability. The deeper I dive in there’s not much I would change except standing up for myself a little bit more . But I also didn’t take it lying down either . Over the last year I have said multiple times I deserve someone who wants to be with me and build a life . If that’s not you then go but don’t string me along and throw me bread crumbs . At some point I’m going to have to talk to H because I can only validate for so long and move along . I have been asked countless times by H to just talk about me .I respond with I need a lot more time and some space .
I'm not sure why you are allowing all of this verbal spew. Words mean nothing without actions.
Listening and Validating is one thing... but this isn't what's happening here. Your H can't "handle" what he did/does - so he alleviates that guilt by apologizing over and OVER. It doesn't mean anything until there is consistent actions behind it. It doesn't mean anything until YOU FEEL DIFFERENT.
Why not set a boundary on a few of these things? Like following you around or saying "I love you" all the time.
You have asked for space and he's not giving it to you. How can YOU enforce that boundary? You can't control him. If he won't give you space.. it's up to YOU to end the conversation. It's up to YOU to walk out of the room.
It's up to YOU to prioritize your needs above his needs. Being "understanding" w/o boundaries has helped get you here. It does no good doing the same thing and expecting different results.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Thank you Valseka19. Needed that one . I have given a few boundaries . Example I do not want to hear you are sorry anymore . H has stuck to that one . Another one was if you are honest I’m not going to raise my voice . Which he saw a complete different side of me when he was denying cheating . I’m one of those people sometimes they gotta know you are not a fool either .It’s very odd for someone who ran a muck for 18 months he has this weird fear of me or something . Example of the I love you I am getting . H comes home from work last few months earlier than he had been while A was going on . I’m cooking dinner . Kids got to eat . I do too . Walks in says hello . I say hi , continue cooking . Then it’s the I’m really glad to be here and home . I love you . I usually continue cooking . Last night I made a plate and went outside to eat alone . Everyone followed . Yes I’m that mom they all follow . So H comes out small talk how was my day . I respond good . Then he starts talking about his day . Kids standing around chatting about school and their day . Can’t exactly just get up and walk away or tell him I want space with the kids there . I also am not just going to get up and go sit inside either . I’m happy outside with my kids and even when they go and run off up the hill I’m not missing those moments of just watching them enjoy life because he wants to spew . Suggestions ? On a scale of 1-10. I’m at a 2 with feeling different . Just time and consistency for me is huge .
Thank you Valseka19. Needed that one . I have given a few boundaries . Example I do not want to hear you are sorry anymore . H has stuck to that one . Another one was if you are honest I’m not going to raise my voice . Which he saw a complete different side of me when he was denying cheating . I’m one of those people sometimes they gotta know you are not a fool either .It’s very odd for someone who ran a muck for 18 months he has this weird fear of me or something . Example of the I love you I am getting . H comes home from work last few months earlier than he had been while A was going on . I’m cooking dinner . Kids got to eat . I do too . Walks in says hello . I say hi , continue cooking . Then it’s the I’m really glad to be here and home . I love you . I usually continue cooking . Last night I made a plate and went outside to eat alone . Everyone followed . Yes I’m that mom they all follow . So H comes out small talk how was my day . I respond good . Then he starts talking about his day . Kids standing around chatting about school and their day . Can’t exactly just get up and walk away or tell him I want space with the kids there . I also am not just going to get up and go sit inside either . I’m happy outside with my kids and even when they go and run off up the hill I’m not missing those moments of just watching them enjoy life because he wants to spew . Suggestions ? On a scale of 1-10. I’m at a 2 with feeling different . Just time and consistency for me is huge .
I have suggestions - but it is not gonna feel comfortable for you. However I feel like you will see how seriously "sorry" he is. And if he is at all interested in making amends. As they say - the proof is in the pudding.
"H - I have asked for space and time. I understand that this may be very broad so here is HOW i am asking for space.
1. Please refrain from telling me that you love me. 2. Let's please keep our conversations to about the kids. 3. Last night when I went to eat outside to eat alone - it would be great if you could give me that space 4. Although i completely understand how difficult it is to "live" with your actions, I am not the appropriate the person to talk to about this. Please find someone else as I do not wish to hear how "sick" you feel. 5. "Please sleep in a different room at night"
If you don't want to "miss the moment" then maybe try to not be a spectator with the kids. Run up the hill with them and leave your husband on the porch. Or if not possible - don't watch in the same area. If the kids can't hear you can say. "I'm focused on the kids and don't want to speak rightnow"
In some ways I can understand you not wanting to upset your kids... but you have to ask yourself "What am I showing them". If you don't stand up for yourself... then your kids won't learn to stand up for themselves. And that is a painful way to live a life.
Overall - You are just too available for him. It's a comfortable place for you even though any reader can see how painful/confusing being "available" is for you.
Take ALL of your energy previously used on H and turn it towards you. Stay in the uncomfortable, don't be afraid to rock the boat. I know it "feels" like there is much to lose - but the truth is that it is already gone. There is freedom to now be the person you were destined to be.
Originally Posted by Caligirl
Over the last year I have said multiple times I deserve someone who wants to be with me and build a life . If that’s not you then go but don’t string me along and throw me bread crumbs.
True... but that someone is actually YOU. Make sure YOU aren't throwing yourself breadcrumbs. Make sure YOU aren't only words but actions too.
One step at a time. You got this.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
1. Stop telling /texting me everywhere you are and checking in ( been having an uptick of this for months , it’s annoying ) 2. I do not wish to talk about our R for quite awhile if I’m outside you can always come play with kids but leave me be 3. I need time and space allow me this
H responded ok you deserve that and I will do that for you . H arrived home from work earlier than he has in few years . Not for me but to take the kids out for a few hours . Which was much appreciated. Kids enjoyed this very much . H has always been very active with kids , never been a huge issue to begin with .
Oh the boundaries being tested this week . I requested to not talk R until I’m ready . Didn’t mean for that one to strike a cord with H but it did . So be it . Random message from H about something within R. Along the lines of I don’t want you going through this alone . I’m here and will listen . Didn’t go over well with me . H was a bit taken back when I didn’t bite but he brought it up later again casually .So I said not mean but direct -I asked you not to bring anything up right now and give me space and you broke that . H responded I do not want you ignoring anything that is bothering you or just walking around holding things in until you want to end this. My response I was very proud of. I’m not holding anything in nor will I . I’m processing through everything at my own pace and time allow me this time .I want an equal spouse and will not settle for a relationship that I turned a blind eye to ever again . H took it like a champ and said he was sorry and when I’m ready he will just listen .
Actions speak louder than words . I have continued to do the things I love . Spend a lot of time with the kids always my biggest source of joy . Been enjoying shopping for me here or there . Building my friendships outside of my family with my small group I have . On the H action front H is spending an enormous amount of time home like he has been for the last few months but since BD noticeably even more . Much appreciated to have him keep helping out . I was drowning for many years . Continues to not be on his phone at all and puts it in clear view -odd but nothing to do about that one , which was a huge thing for a long time during A. But the one action that seems a bit different in the last few days I notice is he has the odd sense of calm and smiles when he comes home . Even to just say hello when he walks in . Just a tad refreshing actually.
It’s been 2 weeks since I put down some boundaries . I took some time to get my head a bit stronger and really look at the type of marriage I have had the last few years . The more I looked and when I say I looked . I went back through two years of text messages between me and H. I am taking zero responsibility for any of this. It was actually shocking to see it all play out . The amount of messages I received about having a great day with H and how much he loved me then 3 days later a complete switch to him being “ missing “ “cold” “distant “ mind blowing . Full blown A brain . My response was always the same when you invest time in your marriage you see the result . When you choose to not spend time . You also see the result . There is one that has been just stuck in my mind from Nov that I sent . “ This is a prison you have created for me . I have to choose giving up half my time with my children to save myself from you . You do just enough that I won’t make you leave and play on my weakness “ every word of this is so true .
It’s been 5 weeks since BD. 4 months that H has planted himself home and changed his ways . I ve let go of the time he said he’s moving out after BD because he is not going anywhere even if he’s thought it was a knee jerk reaction to getting “ caught “ 2 months after he ended it . He is here to stay unless I file for divorce and end it . He’s weak and a shadow of who I married .
I decided to actually sit down and speak to him . My silence on this is slowly killing him but also slowly building me . Could care less about his slow death as he brought that on himself . It may have not been in the right divorce busting style but I started with if you love your A partner so much just go . I am not interested in co habitation in a half marriage or half effort . I will not continue to be a support system to your craziness or your source of comfort during hard times . I will co parent with you . You will not step foot in my home after you leave and will allow me the space to heal from all you have done .
H silence was deafening. After a few minutes H did speak up . I did not cheat on you for love . I did it because I am not proud to say but out of jealousy and weakness . You have everything . The better job . The higher income . The children love you more . It’s like I live in your shadow. And rather than being your support I wanted to watch you fail and hurt you. And you don’t fail and still are not. Every friendship you have you keep at just that . I thought the worst of you because those were thoughts I had myself of me . She is going to keep improving and not need or want me . I did the worst thing I could have ever done and rather than speaking up it ate me alive until I loathed you and tried to put on a happy front while cheating .I’ve learned while doing counseling none of this is you . It’s all me . I need to learn that it’s fine to speak up . That is fine my children go to mom . She is their comfort . Just because my wife does not tell me everyday I look nice does not mean she doesn’t love me . And is not a reason to look elsewhere for that . My wife shows me she loves me in many different ways . My counselor was actually shocked I had an affair on someone I still was “sleeping” with you 2-3 nights a week . For all of it I am wrong and will do whatever it takes to make you feel secure again and love you the way you deserve . I’m not going anywhere . Whatever you need or want access to please tell me . I’ll show you . I’ll give it to you . I don’t love A partner and never did . It was a void I filled that you didn’t make . I did in my head .
I didn’t give too much of a response besides I need time and a lot of it .
It’s been 2 weeks since I put down some boundaries . I took some time to get my head a bit stronger and really look at the type of marriage I have had the last few years . The more I looked and when I say I looked . I went back through two years of text messages between me and H. I am taking zero responsibility for any of this. It was actually shocking to see it all play out . The amount of messages I received about having a great day with H and how much he loved me then 3 days later a complete switch to him being “ missing “ “cold” “distant “ mind blowing . Full blown A brain . My response was always the same when you invest time in your marriage you see the result . When you choose to not spend time . You also see the result . There is one that has been just stuck in my mind from Nov that I sent . “ This is a prison you have created for me . I have to choose giving up half my time with my children to save myself from you . You do just enough that I won’t make you leave and play on my weakness “ every word of this is so true .
It’s been 5 weeks since BD. 4 months that H has planted himself home and changed his ways . I ve let go of the time he said he’s moving out after BD because he is not going anywhere even if he’s thought it was a knee jerk reaction to getting “ caught “ 2 months after he ended it . He is here to stay unless I file for divorce and end it . He’s weak and a shadow of who I married .
I decided to actually sit down and speak to him . My silence on this is slowly killing him but also slowly building me . Could care less about his slow death as he brought that on himself . It may have not been in the right divorce busting style but I started with if you love your A partner so much just go . I am not interested in co habitation in a half marriage or half effort . I will not continue to be a support system to your craziness or your source of comfort during hard times . I will co parent with you . You will not step foot in my home after you leave and will allow me the space to heal from all you have done .
H silence was deafening. After a few minutes H did speak up . I did not cheat on you for love . I did it because I am not proud to say but out of jealousy and weakness . You have everything . The better job . The higher income . The children love you more . It’s like I live in your shadow. And rather than being your support I wanted to watch you fail and hurt you. And you don’t fail and still are not. Every friendship you have you keep at just that . I thought the worst of you because those were thoughts I had myself of me . She is going to keep improving and not need or want me . I did the worst thing I could have ever done and rather than speaking up it ate me alive until I loathed you and tried to put on a happy front while cheating .I’ve learned while doing counseling none of this is you . It’s all me . I need to learn that it’s fine to speak up . That is fine my children go to mom . She is their comfort . Just because my wife does not tell me everyday I look nice does not mean she doesn’t love me . And is not a reason to look elsewhere for that . My wife shows me she loves me in many different ways . My counselor was actually shocked I had an affair on someone I still was “sleeping” with you 2-3 nights a week . For all of it I am wrong and will do whatever it takes to make you feel secure again and love you the way you deserve . I’m not going anywhere . Whatever you need or want access to please tell me . I’ll show you . I’ll give it to you . I don’t love A partner and never did . It was a void I filled that you didn’t make . I did in my head .
I didn’t give too much of a response besides I need time and a lot of it .
I actually didn’t respond because I didn’t believe most of what he said . You don’t loath or dislike someone that much and continue to sleep with them as much as we did . That sounds more like an addiction . I’m slowly coming to terms with he is going to do this again . Maybe not now . But he will .
I actually didn’t respond because I didn’t believe most of what he said . You don’t loath or dislike someone that much and continue to sleep with them as much as we did . That sounds more like an addiction . I’m slowly coming to terms with he is going to do this again . Maybe not now . But he will .
Your on the right track.
Believe actions not words and at this point I have no idea what action you would believe. Definitely not his words.
