A return new comer

[DnJ]

Good Morning Cg

My response “ you can know where the money is when I have access to all your personal accounts “. I must say for a minute it went exactly as I thought he said no im not giving you those. I said ok and walked away .

Well done.

I’m much impressed with how you just said ok, and walked away. Perfect! No fighting. No arguing. Just you controlling you.

D

[grok]

I’m much impressed with how you just said ok, and walked away. Perfect! No fighting. No arguing. Just you controlling you.

D

Me too.

And you have required what is required....

Everything I have ever read, here or elsewhere, says eventually complete transparency is required. Even if you never go look...the accountability it offers is required.

Embarrassing? of course. Shameful? of course. but you cannot have trust without accountability and transparency offered.

g

[Caligirl]

If I’m being truly honest even if or when he decides to give me the bank password I’m still not giving him access to my income . Those days are long gone and may never return . I already know the hotel meet up location and have copies of the receipts . His A partner was so kind to send me those in the “anonymous “ letter . Insert sarcasm . H car got fixed . I sent over the money .He did attempt to touch on it again a day later . Shut that right down . Co-horting finances is just not even happening .

On a more fun note . “We” meaning us an entire family had a large wedding to attend on my side . My sister made a comment regarding H about how happy he looks and she hasn’t seen him like that in years . My father asked me how I was doing with everything . I said I’m just here for now haven’t made up my mind on anything yet . Got to love a dads love for his daughter . Dads response you are here for now until he does this again and now you are much more prepared for the exit . Touché

[Caligirl]

Thoughts for this week on my end . Guilt is heavy on my head and heart .

Home life has been so calm with kids and H . H is still doing the same consistent behavior . Counseling , being home and not pressuring me into any R talk.

On my end . I’m just doing my thing still . Spending a lot of time with the kids . That’s my GAL. We go everywhere . On occasion spending time out with my girlfriends for a quick bite or catch up . Decorating for holidays which is almost stress relief for me . Must I add retail therapy . I truly find joy in taking care of others . It took me a long time to feel as though this was ok . For years everyone had told me worry about you . Over time I realized this was me and learned to embrace it . Oddly enough I resemble more of the parent my father is the older I get . The planner and have joy from just sitting back and taking in the view of what you planned . I don’t have any childhood trauma . Grew up in a normal household with 2 loving parents who still spend every minute together . My father struggles the most out of the family I told because he never was like this nor even thought of it . Very strong supportive of kick him to the curb , you didn’t deserve any of this and will be in the same position again . Leave and do not look back .

Here comes the guilt . I’ve been noticing how happy my children are having two active parents in the household . They ask now everyday what time is daddy coming home and I’m able to give them a solid answer and he’s there on time . Mostly though I have just recently started to lean them H way a little more . Example would be : I’m cooking and they would normally walk past my H to ask me for help or most nights he wouldn’t even be there . Routine was always kids just go to mom . But now I started saying daddy’s right over there , moms cooking see if daddy can help . H smiles and always helps them . 6 months ago if he was home it would be a reason why he couldn’t help or would tell them to wait . Insert the guilt - I don’t know I can keep going like this . I am deathly scared to ask him to leave for fear of the fall out with the kids . They are just so darn happy the last few months . On the other hand I’m deathly scared to put myself back into a marriage even a baby step in where I had a non existent spouse emotionally . I just do not see myself ever trusting this man again . The things that for short times overwhelm my thoughts are the conversations where I said I know you are cheating and have been for a long time . Do not throw it in my face . I’m not following you around nor do I have the time or want to . I know for a fact those conversations were repeated -hence why the letter came months later because A partner knew I wasn’t looking for it and didn’t really pay too much mind to it . So it was a get even when H ended it or maybe a last ditch effort to get H to leave in their grand scheme of things . The more I read about A trauma the more I start to realize . Healing from it is not an easy road . But also deep down there’s a big part of my heart that knows I may forgive him . I may love him . But he has the capabilities of doing this and doing it again . Is that someone I really want to spent the next 50 years with in sacrifice of my children being happy .

[job]

Caligirl,

I understand what you are going through. It's not easy to trust someone who has hurt you so deeply. You can forgive (at some point), but you won't forget. Trust isn't just handed over, it needs to be earned.

You have decide what is best for you physically, mentally and emotionally. I know you are thinking about this situation 24/7 because he is right under the same roof. We do not judge here. As we point out, even if they want to return, we, the lbs, ultimately are the ones that will decide whether to try and work things out or move on.

Here's a thought, have you tried resetting the relationship? Start out as friends, have a date night, do something together and then include the kids into the activities? Sometimes, they expect us to sweep the crisis under the rug and sometimes when they return home, we are looking for things to get back to normal and neither party is emotionally/mentally ready for that. Sometimes, we just need to leave them be and just focus on ourselves. After all, we are way ahead of them when it comes to healing and we have learned how to live on our own and be independent and self-sufficient. They don't understand that we can't go back to being the people that they walked away from. That the nightmare was just that a horrible dream that you wake up from and continue on with your day. They still are thinking like teenagers and think we should just wipe the slate clean...not happening. We, the lbs, have to re-evaluate our lives and what we want/need to make us happy and fulfilled with our lives.

Give yourself a break. You've dealt with a lot and it's going to take some time for the muddy waters to clear up so that you can see where you are going.

Continue posting...you need this safe place to lay out your thoughts.

[Caligirl]

Thanks job .

Anyone who knows the real me knows I just have such a sweet spot for the kids . Not even just my own . My nieces and nephews , fun aunt . Kids run when they see me coming and I run to them . Such a source of joy for me . Watching my kids world just fall back in place is a very strong pull . The calmness and peace they have right now is just how their lives need to be .

I may take you up on doing a reset . I did one for a few months after I knew A ended . We have never been a love less couple and we were getting back into a good place best we had been in a few years . A lot of up and down from him prior to May but not much since except few days after letter came from A partner . H does on occasion talk to me about his counseling after the house is quiet .I listen for some of it . Try not to get too involved . That’s just a deep mess right there . The parts about living a double life almost and why he felt the need to do it . Utter madness when I hear it . Small doses . At this point I don’t even want to see the bank account prior to May . I’ve heard enough .

Was odd last night . H had a meeting a little later than normal . I don’t really question much . I never have and it’s just not in me to be a hawk wife. H came home said hello like he usually does . Played with kids , as typical men do scarfed down dinner . I stayed put . I guess he sometimes has just as good of a read on me as I do him . He just looked at me and said “you can trust this today “. I didn’t say anything back and nodded . I didn’t know what to say because really for some reason I just had a tough day . I wanted to blurt out I want a divorce you killed any dream I had for this family . But I let it pass . H has it written all over him that he’s here and doesn’t plan on going anywhere . Just as he had his A written all over him too . I do give him credit he keeps pushing on with the new status quo while I’m hanging in the mud some days .

I’ll keep posting . It is my safe place .

[Caligirl]

A test night out

I decided to test the waters emotionally for me with H. Oh boy this is way different than the few months I did a reset back in late spring . I tried to keep it light so we I asked H if he wanted to go this town 45 minutes away . They have live music on Sunday and some nice outdoor dining and shopping . H jumped on the invite . Ran he ran up in shower and took off like a bandit to go vacuum his car so it was spotless , took kids with him while I got dressed . Came back with flowers . Insert - over kill .

The drive was just awkward. I’m noticeably more quiet . This is hard to change . I’ve learned to not engage with H nearly as much because for years it was painful to talk on deaf ears . This not only goes with him but was a big life change last few years . You cause me pain or no good to my life I only engage when I have to but emotionally since BD he gets little reaction from me .

The date - once we walked around and had a glass of wine it was a lot easier . We had a lot of fun . Did some dancing . Shopping . Food was phenomenal.

Then he let me have it . He has been somewhat reserved last few weeks with R talk . Well here it came over dinner . H - I’m just so sorry . I know you don’t want to hear it again . I can’t even believe you are still here . I promise to be here and never do anything like that again . You have no idea how many times I wanted to just tell you . I couldn’t . I thought you would leave . I hid everything and tried to put on a show but you saw through it . No one would ever tolerate or be as strong as you are . I mean it when I say I really love you .

My response - stop saying you are sorry ! I get it you are sorry . Im here and I do love you , but these last few years have changed the dynamic of how I want to live and what type of spouse I want . You are doing really good , really good ….. Keep doing what you are doing and more of it . It’s not easy on this side of the table . You see a strong person but it takes work to get to this point . This is not an easy fix and will take time . I left it there because he agreed.

Went home . Spent the evening with the kids . Status quo for him . Though now he’s been super clingy and chatty .

[MamaG]

Hi Caligirl!

Your name is very near and dear to my heart. I call my D Caligirl. That's not her name but it is what I often call her.

In reading through your thread, it is great to see the tables turned. Just like we read. Eventually, the LBS has the choice. It's a hard choice to make after all you've had to endure, do, feel, strengthen. Lots of sweat and tears. It's nice to hear that he's trying. And, while it may be a day late and $1 short, he's now awake and remorseful. I love the strength you bring to the relationship. You know what you deserve. You know your worth. You know what you will and won't tolerate. I'm so happy for you. You'll make the right decision. For you and for your kids.

hugs

[Caligirl]

The questions are in full swing

So post date last week H has been upkicking his efforts to work on R. Little things . Sitting together doing normal things after kids settle down . Watch a movie, go for a stroll or just sit together on the back hill . It’s going somewhat ok I would say but I’m such a closed book . H asked me the other night why I do not ask him alot of questions and to just ask . I threw a few out there …. The main one being again what is so different now ? I just can’t wrap my head around this change last few months . It’s off putting the way someone can just crash and burn and then see the light . He did open up a bit with some new things . No matter how hard he ran there was always a part of him looking back for me .

[DnJ]

Good Morning Cg

It is difficult learning to trust again. Finding trust again. Feeling trust again.

It’s very common to wall up one’s heart against all the pain. It takes purposeful effort to keep one’s heart protected, and yet still soft and squishy. To not allow one’s heart to harden.

A hardening to the possibilities. A hardening to hope.

It takes time. Even an ‘act as if’ decision/choice. It’s counterintuitive. To open up to maybe getting hurt. Yet, maybe something far better.

A bit of a beginner’s mind is required. To see more what is presently before you, rather than behind you. That’s not to discard or disregard that which occurred, no sweeping under the rug, just embracing the opportunity. Slowly discovering how genuine and sincere H’s positive efforts truly are. While discovering how to reconcile what did happen.

The windshield is much bigger than the rear view mirror. Yet, what one focuses on will appear largest.

For what it’s worth, I think you’re doing fine.

Hope you have a great day.

D