Take time to mourn the loss (some say it can be second only to experiencing a death)
I personally think it’s worse not second because in death you are sure there is no recovery whereas in this case you might think there is hope.
That's because you've never gone through it....
: )
At Swarthmore U here in the U.S., students play "misery poker" (these are high achievers) to "compete" with who has it worse (in terms of workload, college life, etc.). I submit it is all relative to your personal stress tolerance. For some people, it is worse. For others, death of a spouse is worse. Either way, comparing "hands" (to continue the card game metaphor) isn't as good as a Rise of Grok thread so I'm also waiting for that!
Grok, you're doing all the natural things to cope: sitting with your feelings, grieving, sharing your feelings, and leaning on others (in this forum and likely in person with family and friends). As Mach suggests, the other coping work to do is to prioritize other things that bring YOU happiness that are within your control. As Cadet also suggests, "hope" related to a former spouse is a cheeseless tunnel in 99.9% of these situations. Some ICs recommend setting aside 30 minutes to an hour per day/week/month to grieve. The rest of the time is for rebuilding an improved self. What are you doing to keep that process moving along too? I hope to hear about 1-2 things in your next post. Take care, P.
Thank you MamaG, DnJ, Mach1, Catman19, Cadet, dunnm, MrP,
Every one of your words help in multiple dimensions/facets of my life. I’ve read them every day as I check in, learn, … evolve. Yes I do take some time to read here every day. That part is easy to do at work LOL.
Lack of posting … well … life. Every time I try to post I end up spending an hour or so thinking and writing … learning what is in me as I write and figure out what I want to say. Even three older kids soaks up all my minutes. I’ve had a long post worth of thoughts I could put down here every single day. Posting ends up at 11p like today.
Originally Posted by Mach1
Too much isolation isn't a good thing...
You stay in one place too long, and you become that place…
I’m not isolating or sending still. Not curled into my shell to cope. No. More like solidifying the current daily routines that work well for me/us and feeling around me for what feels right to be next.
Originally Posted by Mach1
What's up ?
How are things ?
How are you doing ?
Events/stories since last Tuesday include D19 taking S12 to update his clothes as he is growing fast. They also picked out shirts for me! D17 and I going shopping to Marshals to find the last pieces to finish the wall over the piano (decorations and pictures, see my Alt for photos). Working with D17 on HS physics and college Algebra. All three kids coming down with variations of some kind of illness going around (throat, ears, coughing, sniffles, and mild fever). S12’s scout like troop meeting. Groceries, cooking/cleaning, wet vacuuming (ill little dog is peeing on the floor sometimes now). Trivia night at the local brewery. Dermatology (skin cancer checkup) and since I met the deductible this year I had extra moles taken off. Tooth cavity filled and arranged for needed kids appointments that had been forgotten by XW. D19 and D17 had needed fillings since March apparently. The remaining Angora rabbit of XW’s died (she had stopped taking care of it). Regular work every day at my job also. There is more, I’m too tired to remember it all.
And just now at 11:15p S12 comes in to lay down next to me because he can’t sleep.
Oh, and D17 asked me to take her to a Benson Boone concert 3 hrs north of us. (Huh. Not asking Mom). I said yes. I’ll figure it out.
And today/tomorrow extra time to storm prep. Although I’m by the coast, I’m not worried about hurricane Helene. I do take preparations for power and water outages though. The high tide flood surge + rain from the feeder bands can wreak some local havoc.
And now falling asleep typing on the laptop in my bed. I am crashed out for the night. {{{hugs}}} and {{fist bump}} liberally distributed to you all.
Zzzz
g
H:54 W:50 D19, D17, S12 ILYBINILWY 3/23 DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23 DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-5 & W moves out 8/23 – 3/24 Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
Well, since this is my thread, I'll say I welcome digression. Too narrowly focused makes me a dull boy. And illumination of the topics at hand will often come from the interconnectedness to the rest of life.
Heh, I think the "Rise of Grok" is brewing ... but still shifting, examining those fleeting thoughts and feelings that pop in and out. Lots more WTF and shrugs when she messages things without feeling a need to do anything.
And I think I'll have to work through all the financial division operations over the next 30 days before I'll feel settled into the rise.
Oh, and I still have 1/3 of the garage and a 10 X 20 foot space in the house with her stuff not yet taken. Hmmm... In the theme of OYS (Own Your S...), it is still there I choose it to be. I contemplated putting it on a pallet and dropping it off on OM's front porch. Because that was evil me and funny.
g
H:54 W:50 D19, D17, S12 ILYBINILWY 3/23 DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23 DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-5 & W moves out 8/23 – 3/24 Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
Take time to mourn the loss (some say it can be second only to experiencing a death)
I personally think it’s worse not second because in death you are sure there is no recovery whereas in this case you might think there is hope.
That's because you've never gone through it....
: )
At Swarthmore U here in the U.S., students play "misery poker" (these are high achievers) to "compete" with who has it worse (in terms of workload, college life, etc.). I submit it is all relative to your personal stress tolerance. For some people, it is worse. For others, death of a spouse is worse. Either way, comparing "hands" (to continue the card game metaphor) isn't as good as a Rise of Grok thread so I'm also waiting for that!
P ,
I just like to get under Cadet's skin a little.
I've been frustrating him since his first thread here.
And I'm not gonna lay out my thoughts on the subject again.
I talked to my peeps about an hour north of you last night. And as you say, the flooding is the biggest concern for them.
I'm glad that you are staying busy with things. I just don't want you to "hide" in things and delay processing the emotions that go along with everything the past couple weeks.
You are correct that I have experience in that area. And just like all of the years proceeding the latest, I certainly didn't want to be an "expert" in DBing OR being a Widower.
Truth is, out of all of the long term married couples out there, 50% of them will experience this.
Originally Posted by grok
Oh, and I still have 1/3 of the garage and a 10 X 20 foot space in the house with her stuff not yet taken. Hmmm... In the theme of OYS (Own Your S...), it is still there I choose it to be. I contemplated putting it on a pallet and dropping it off on OM's front porch. Because that was evil me and funny.
Maybe you could use that space to hang all of your Benson Boone apparel now ? : )
I dunno know G, Take some time and let it rest. I was just literally going through this scenario with a friend last week. What to do with a wayward spouse's stuff that was left in the carnage. I was thinking about the two extremes of just living with it, or packing it up and sending it. So maybe think about a middle ground with it that you can live with.
I've been frustrating him since his first thread here.
TRUE - and Mach has definitely been here longer than me - although I am older.
Originally Posted by Mach1
Cadet.....sigh....
You are correct that I have experience in that area. And just like all of the years proceeding the latest, I certainly didn't want to be an "expert" in DBing OR being a Widower.
Truth is, out of all of the long term married couples out there, 50% of them will experience this.
Unfortunately that is true for both of the things that you are now an expert on. Since we are on DB - we will stick to that topic. Also I have no expertise on the latter.
Now cleaning garages I do know something about that and having older kids and ex-spouses leaving stuff in your house. At some point you have a boundary that it has to go (or you just need the space) and then the decision is easy.
May i just suggest a small piece of advice - clear your life of any belongings related to her, even your wedding ring, these material things will serve as nothing but reminders and are no longer of any positive sentimental value. If you decide to keep anything let it be things that are related to the kids and let them have it, for me cleansing myself of all the marital items was a decision im glad i made, these items become obstacles on your healing journey and path. Think of it as closing a book of your life and prepare yourself to start writing the beginning of the second edition of your life. I know this is cliche and it felt as such even when my therapist regularly said this, but the new positive memories will come when you are ready for them, and remember there will come a day when you will have an authentic and genuine smile on your face, then you will know you are on the right path.
So much to reply to! but in the mean time, for thought, a post I read the other week.
Originally Posted by @blipoftheseus from X
The loyalty and respect that a man desires is not just for his woman to not cheat on him. This is the bare minimum.
Loyalty and respect for a man means you will stand by him during the most difficult periods of his life. When he feels like the world is against him, he can see that you are behind him, and believe in him when he has not made it, whatever "making it" means by his definition.
Men are humans too, they too are figuring out their map of life and are trying to forge a path that belongs to just them. This journey will take a man to the highest of highs and the deepest of all psychological lows. The battle is not just against external forces, but against his demons within. He will have moments where he will question everything.
Most women will see this as a sign of weakness and will be advised by other women to bail or leave. I believe this is where true bonding occurs. He can see that you are loyal and respect his abilities when he has nothing but himself to offer. This is when he will see you as a true teammate in life, fighting against a common enemy. Biologically, this is where true vasopressin bonding occurs.
Yes, while I was down and depressed and withdrawn, she was advised by her divorce' friends to leave. And so she has. They were not as sure about the EA. I noted internally she said nothing about them rejecting an EA as wrong.
She once stomped her foot and said, "G, how long was I suppose to wait?"
I drank the STFU smoothied and thought, "what is this waiting business? You don't just wait. You make every effort possible You get advice and help from old married couples not just divorcee' friends, religious leaders, spouses friends, IC and MC sessions, and on... "
The fact that she did not has had me questioning a lot of things. Alternatively, in compassion, maybe her own internal lows and demons within prevented her from taking the needed steps.
Originally Posted by @blipoftheseus from X
The "burden" many women feel during this phase, is similar to how men think about taking on women when things are going right. Many women will bail on a man when he is not performing financially. This is why the love of most women is conditional. Most men know this.
The men who are willing to conquer their failures repeatedly are the men with true intrinsic courage. If he is a man with integrity, he will remain with you, not because he does not have access to other women, but because of his genuine love and sense of duty to you.
All men know that they will be desired once they have achieved a certain level of financial success or status. They also know that these women are only loyal to and respect their achievements and not them personally.
Choose wisely and love well.
Reasons why I chose to stand? There is one right there.
g
H:54 W:50 D19, D17, S12 ILYBINILWY 3/23 DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23 DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-5 & W moves out 8/23 – 3/24 Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
