Detaching & setting boundaries w/ clingy boomerang

[RegretfulLA]

Hi Mama,

I can see the progress you're making! I too am so grateful for the support received here - thank you DnJ and everyone for your gentle encouragement.

First of all, I'm glad to hear that your H is getting medication. Depression is real and medication really can help. It may not bring him back, but hopefully it helps him find some relief for his troubles. I think it's a great first step, and I love that he's gotten a dog. The dog will be good for him, I hope. If he can heal, maybe there's hope for your M - if that's what you decide you want.

One of the things that really helped me about 5 years ago when things were bad, and I was feeling sorry for myself was reminding myself that if he chooses to walk away, ignore me, etc is that it's HIS LOSS!!! You are an awesome lady and if he can't/couldn't see that, then that's on him, not you!! You don't feel sorry for yourself, you feel sorry for HIM.

What gets me is that I miss H's company, jokes, embrace, comfort...etc. and these thoughts slap me in the face all too often. Still.

This is hard... Even if you find a new person, you might always miss something about him. I have known my H since I was 12 years old. We have a lot of shared history. It's like that old song "Always Something There to Remind Me." Yep... it's hard. Like experiencing a death. I think that's why we hold on so tightly. It's kind of all that we know, for better or for worse.

But - your detachment is exactly the right thing to be doing. Time to let go of his drama, stand tall, move forward and focus on your own enjoyment.

Now I need to follow my own advice!

[RegretfulLA]

Time.

From the front end it is near impossible to distinguish. A crisis being a transition gone very much into the weeds.

Basically, a crisis is just worse all around. A crisis lasts longer. Much longer. And progresses glacially slow.

A crisis is consuming. A MLCer is lost. A very lost soul.

Two major hallmarks of a midlife crisis are depression and confusion. The exhibited running behaviour is the desperate person trying to get away from their unrealized unexplained inner torment.

Desperate! Desperate people do desperate things.

Hurt! Hurt people, hurt people.

A crisis is truly horrible. Emotions and torment cranked to eleven, and even passed that.

We all go through various life stages. The midlife transition is a time of recollection, recognizing, reconciling, life’s accolades and regrets; achievements and failures; and such. A transition itself can be tumultuous full of disorder and chaos or more smooth depending upon the individuals past, personality, ability to accept, and a host of other variables. My own transition was rather smooth methinks.

Exiting into the next stage of life can take various paths too, depending upon one’s life to that point.

Myself, I found, I am, happy with my past marriage, my kids, my career, my life. Such leads to a time of peace and contentment, IMHO. I’ve accumulated very few regrets over my years.

Some exit or find their golden years less golden. Such an exit being more of resigned to their lot in life, rather than looking forward to it. We’ve all seen those grumpy people grumbling away. Eyes and outlook more downcast than upward and forward looking.

Midlife, like all transitions, is about acceptance. It’s a loss. One must grieve it. One must find their acceptance with it. No one gets a do-over here, and those that cannot find peace with that, get caught and tangled in the transition. Desperately trying to relive what they feel is their lost youth/life. A bad transition may buy the red sport car, a horrible crisis will burn down their entire life.

Each is seeking their path towards acceptance.

Time.

A MLT builds upon one’s successful life stages thus far. A MLC is seeded from long ago unknown trauma(s). A lot more growing up to do in a crisis.

Time.

Transitions take time.

A crisis takes much more time. And some never exit.

This is gold - is there a way to pin this for future MLC spouses? It really explains so much about what a MLC is all about - it's so hard to understand for those of us on the other side.

[MamaG]

Hello all!
The weekend was great in so many ways. I volunteered my heart out with people I've known my entire life and loved every minute of it. Amazing how volunteering can be fun! It was both tiring and rewarding. Only once was I asked where H was. All others, despite knowing H has moved out were super respectful and didn't ask. People feel badly for me and know I've had a rough year both medically and R wise. I can feel the empathy and concern, but definitely don't sulk in the attention - it's just not my style.

You were right! H never stopped by. He avoided and I imagine he had a tough weekend. It is what it is.

As you've recommended, I've changed my prayers - I pray for his peace and progress. H is in God's hands and I trust He will care for both our hearts.

I found I eventually made peace with it. We had 3 decades together. Her company, jokes, embrace, and such. 30 years! I was that fortunate!

More focusing on what I have than what is lost. Acceptance.

I really like this! I had 32 years with H and all these warm benefits. We shared many moments, kids, weekends, vacations, laughs, etc. That is a gift to hold regardless of the future. No need to regret nor fret.

We have a couple peach trees that some years don't produce crop. But, I can tell you that when there is crop, there is an abundance. I spent some time cleaning up peaches this afternoon. Subtle winds force the peaches to fall off the branches and they get bruised. Certainly, the hundreds (potentially near a thousand) peaches on one tree alone is way more than any human to consume even after sharing. I may end up with some bears tonight as I threw so many peaches into the woods that treated me to poison ivy this summer. Those peaches should be enjoyed by someone!

I applied for a new job - one with less responsibility and no direct reports. Based on how things are shaping up, I'll likely get an offer next week and I look forward to a new adventure. This should help me with my healing, finding time for poochies and resolving the household tasks that continue to surface. I'm looking for less stress and a slower pace to the everyday craze.

I'm taking some time off between the jobs to allow for some repairs, medical appts and a visit with S. Looking forward to next week.

And bc of medical leave this year (and staying employed by the same company), I have 6 weeks of vacation time to use before year end. It may be difficult to use it all, but I'll certainly give it a try!

[DnJ]

Good Morning MG

I’m glad the weekend went well. Sounds like it was very fulfilling.

You and I could trade. I’ve got a pile of apples on my trees. I did have loads of nectarines as well, however it seems squirrels really like them. They disappeared right off the branches, even up high, higher than a deer would reach. And nothing left on the ground either. My mom, kids, and I did get a quite a few feeds of the yummy fruit. The pears were a bust this year.

Having six weeks of vacation to use up before year end is a good problem to have. lol. I was in that boat as well. 33 years career. Now, everyday is a vacation. Hmmm, that’s an even better problem to have. Haha.

Have a great visit with son and hope the appointments go well.

D

[MamaG]

DnJ, I would happily share peaches...and apples would be a refreshing change! If only...

I've enjoyed all things with peaches over the last couple weeks - from cakes to oatmeal, you name it, I'm trying it. I've shared with family and with the bears. I'm even making dog treats with peaches this week. Let's see what poochies think. I may be all peached out soon.

Unfortunately, the bears were attracted by the peaches and adventured into the bird feeder. Had a mess to clean this morning.

I congratulate you to have retired - earned position, I'm sure!

I'm mentally not ready and for this reason, am hesitant to earmark weeks to take off and eat the 6 weeks. I'm still overwhelmed by feelings of loneliness. Often. Too often. And, the idea of not having any demands from the job would mentally not work in my favor. I may end up giving time back this year! We'll see.

Have been spending a lot of time with mom over the last year and am finding myself getting triggered by some of her communication methods. This has always been her way, but I brushed it off as i didn't see as much of her prior to BD2.

Two come to the surface most and I wonder if this is the childhood trauma that I need to heal. And, if it is, how do I heal from this?
1. Mom tries to 'control' my decisions by influencing and nudging - I often gave in to what she wanted and am beginning to push back. It's small stuff like, "Stay for dinner. Oh come on, you don't have anything else going on and you're already here...." Yes, I could stay but now that I'm aware of the tactic, I'm more inclined to not stay. I feel wrong but am standing my ground a bit more out of principle.
2. Mom repeats herself a lot. In convo last night, I mentioned that I'm not working this week. Apparently, I didn't tell her. I acknowledged that I may not have told her when she said it the first time. We went on with convo where I told her what I did for the day. At the next pause, she reminded me that she didn't know I was on vaca and made me feel like she didn't listen to any of my day's activities. I ignored the second one and kept talking and she AGAIN reminded me that "It's ok that I didn't tell her but she didn't know I was on vaca. That's great. We all need a break."

I'm considering ADs myself. Filled the script and have just held onto it. I'm a couple weeks shy of BD2 when everything really hit the fan and hasn't been the same. I'm having a hard time. Logically, I know it's just another day. Emotionally, I'm still in disbelief that what I looked forward to in 'our' future was yanked and I continue to mourn the future's loss. Recognizing the emotional roots, I compose myself quicker but cycle quicker too. It's been rough talking myself into clarity. It doesn't help that D and I have not heard from H in the longest stretch yet. A month for me (other than H telling me of the receipt in mailbox) and 2 weeks for D.

I question my decision to not respond to his texts. Yes, again I question because it's counterintuitive and hard to not know how he's doing or what he's doing. I still don't know that he has a dog!

As an avoidant, it may have taken a lot for him to reach out to me at all. Still, breadcrumbs I do not want. A 'friend', I do not want. My inner voice reminds me that he's struggling too and that it's mental illness. H thinks of me but is struggling.

Remember, emotional side of me has been winning out. Logic needs to strengthen. Soon.

This thread is titled, "Detaching & setting boundaries from clingy boomerang". How strange that as I type this, I don't need to detach (H is not reaching out); I don't need to set boundaries (H is not reaching out); H isn't even a clingy boomerang anymore.

On the GALing front, I am playing cards on Monday nights as part of a league. Last night was the first night and we won 3 of 5 games. Still got it lol. Looking forward to this week's tasks and accomplishments...and visit with S on Friday.

MG

[DnJ]

Good Morning MG

I'm mentally not ready and for this reason, am hesitant to earmark weeks to take off and eat the 6 weeks. I'm still overwhelmed by feelings of loneliness. Often. Too often. And, the idea of not having any demands from the job would mentally not work in my favor. I may end up giving time back this year! We'll see.

I do remember that feeling of overwhelming loneliness. And yes, it was often. Grief/depression takes as long as it takes.

Being busy does help, and yes work is a good source of routine and tasks. Building our new world amongst the ruin.

We let go bargaining once we emotionally exhaust all efforts to prop the old normal. Depression heralds, and comes from, the realization of our loss and that the old normal is gone. Now, we delve into the dark depression of our loss.

It’s mostly a subconscious process. Emotional understanding. Acceptance. As emotions are born, live, and die within a realm outside of intellect and direction conscious control. Emotions rise and fall as one traverses their path.

The conscious part is one keeping busy, maintaining their health, allowing time to consciously think about their situation, and also not dwelling upon it. To keep moving forward. To have faith.

I'm a couple weeks shy of BD2 when everything really hit the fan and hasn't been the same. I'm having a hard time. Logically, I know it's just another day. Emotionally, I'm still in disbelief that what I looked forward to in 'our' future was yanked and I continue to mourn the future's loss. Recognizing the emotional roots, I compose myself quicker but cycle quicker too. It's been rough talking myself into clarity.

Oddly, we understand, mentally, intellectually, rather quickly. Yet still, that does not, cannot, force our emotions (heart) to comply. We know we will be alright, heck we are living it (finances, custody, accommodations, food on the table, meaningful and successful employment, etc.), and it still takes a while to feel “alright”.

You are doing perfectly fine by the way. (((Hugs)))

Remember, emotional side of me has been winning out. Logic needs to strengthen. Soon.

It’s not about vanquishing your emotional side. Nor one side winning and therefore the other side losing. Both sides are winning. Actually four sides/paths: physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual. Like four lane on our life’s highway. All four paths win/grow/evolve. It just feels differently (for a while).

Once all four cars are travelling their individual paths at the same speed and direction, basically side by side - presently that emotional car is zooming around a lot more than the others - there is peace and contentment. Understanding, compassion, acceptance. Which turn out to be more headings than destinations, as life is more about the journey than the destination.

Have been spending a lot of time with mom over the last year and am finding myself getting triggered by some of her communication methods. This has always been her way, but I brushed it off as i didn't see as much of her prior to BD2.

Two come to the surface most and I wonder if this is the childhood trauma that I need to heal. And, if it is, how do I heal from this?

It is reasonable to feel some clashing with your Mom over stuff. Especially considering the current grief and such. Ensure you aren’t projecting/blaming her for your feelings.

I’ve seen much more of my Mom over these past few years. We have many meals together, watch shows, and even gone on vacations together. Yet, there are times of feeling a clash. For example, yesterday I had a doctor appointment in the city. Driving around, parking, traffic, etc. I got pretty frustrated by it all. Mom and I had plans for supper and watching our current show. I felt frustrated with her, with what she was saying and doing. Nothing out of the ordinary. It was me, how I felt.

Now seeing such feelings, and not acting upon them, are two different things. I think I did pretty well. Let my feelings be, while I continued on with things. The night went pleasantly enough.

Today, emotions have fleeted. I feel fine. It was not my Mom’s fault, nor anything she was doing. It was my frustration. And it coloured how I was seeing things. Coloured, not controlled.

1. Mom tries to 'control' my decisions by influencing and nudging - I often gave in to what she wanted and am beginning to push back. It's small stuff like, "Stay for dinner. Oh come on, you don't have anything else going on and you're already here...." Yes, I could stay but now that I'm aware of the tactic, I'm more inclined to not stay. I feel wrong but am standing my ground a bit more out of principle.

Mom doesn’t control your decision. She tries to influence and nudge it.

When you secede your control, give in, you feel bad. It’s your control - own it. If you have something going on, plans, whatever, and do not wish to stay for supper, then don’t. If you don’t have plans. If it’s just on principle…why? Dig and find out.

How about: “Sure Mom, I’d love to stay. And tomorrow we’ll have supper at my house.”

2. Mom repeats herself a lot. In convo last night, I mentioned that I'm not working this week. Apparently, I didn't tell her. I acknowledged that I may not have told her when she said it the first time. We went on with convo where I told her what I did for the day. At the next pause, she reminded me that she didn't know I was on vaca and made me feel like she didn't listen to any of my day's activities. I ignored the second one and kept talking and she AGAIN reminded me that "It's ok that I didn't tell her but she didn't know I was on vaca. That's great. We all need a break."

Oh my yes. My Mom “forgot” many things. I got frustrated and angry at not being heard or listened to.

Turns out she is hard of hearing. She didn’t hear, not didn’t listen. And like everyone Mom has denial as well, and frustration at having to ask people to repeat stuff.

Along with that, she is old. And yes, she actually does forget too.

It took me some time and effort to find acceptance and peace with that. Mom (and Dad) getting old and the normal ailments that age brings. Really helped when I figured out it wasn’t their choice. lol.

It’s not easy. And there are still frustrating times. Yet, Mom and Dad are here. And I am blessed. So, I let my feelings flit and embrace better. Grateful for Mom being here to frustrate me. Haha.

Be better, not bitter.

It’s on my signature line, along with forgiveness. Tenets I live by, and at times, renew effort towards.

Anyhow, just some thoughts and feedback.

One other idea for you to consider: Go on a vacation/trip with Mom. You’ve got lots of vacation time. Helps with the loneliness, and that new world one is crafting. A few days maybe, not six weeks. Or maybe a few day trips.



What card game(s) are you playing in your league? Bridge?

Have a great day.

D

[MamaG]

Hello everyone!

It’s mostly a subconscious process. Emotional understanding. Acceptance. As emotions are born, live, and die within a realm outside of intellect and direction conscious control. Emotions rise and fall as one traverses their path.

The conscious part is one keeping busy, maintaining their health, allowing time to consciously think about their situation, and also not dwelling upon it. To keep moving forward. To have faith.

Yup. This resonates. Hadn't seen it in this exact light, but I feel it.

It is reasonable to feel some clashing with your Mom over stuff. Especially considering the current grief and such. Ensure you aren’t projecting/blaming her for your feelings.

Wow! So, I'm still angry. Not angry at mom, but angry. Are you suggesting that perhaps in my anger, I'm not receiving her offer to stay for dinner as just her offer for a joint dinner? Rather, I'm hearing that she's trying to control me? And, as a result, I control the situation by not staying? Ouch, this subconscious can be ugly!!

You asked why...I have sat on this and only come up with a surface answer. I'm not sure that this is it. Still pondering...

Actually four sides/paths: physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual. Like four lane on our life’s highway. All four paths win/grow/evolve. It just feels differently (for a while).

PIES, yes PIES. I like the 4 lane highway visual. TY.

Grateful for Mom being here to frustrate me. Haha.

Be better, not bitter.

Trying. I, too am grateful for both mom and dad. They are both wonderful people. Aging. Yes, very much so. I cherish the moments and believe that part of the season I'm in is intended for me to spend more time with both. God works in mysterious ways. He may be saving me from guilt (for not making memories) I'd carry after they pass. H and I were pretty content with each other's company and didn't choose to spend time with others all that often. Is this God's way of saving me from myself?

One other idea for you to consider: Go on a vacation/trip with Mom. You’ve got lots of vacation time. Helps with the loneliness, and that new world one is crafting. A few days maybe, not six weeks. Or maybe a few day trips.

Mom and I plan trips 2x a month. Overnights aren't possible as dad can't be left alone for too long. Mom is his caretaker. If he could join us, he would.

Mom accompanied me to the big city for visit with S on Friday. It was so wonderful to spend time with both of them. We had lunch and indulged. And, despite being stuffed, we each ordered a dessert. We still laugh at how she left her steak tips but ate every last bit of dessert. Wonderful memories for us to cherish. Glad you're doing the same. Mom (and dad) need us just as much as we need them. A forever relationship that we're both blessed with.

What card game(s) are you playing in your league? Bridge?

Playing pitch - didn't mention it as I don't know if it is a widely known game. Looking forward to another match up tonight. But first, a visit with my nephew at his University. He invited me last week and I am excited.

Still no word from hubby. Hope he's self-reflecting and healing.

[DnJ]

Good Morning MG

Pitch. I’ve never played it. I had to look it up. Looks good. Lots of variations. I’m going to give it a go next time I got some folks sitting around the table.

Wow! So, I'm still angry. Not angry at mom, but angry. Are you suggesting that perhaps in my anger, I'm not receiving her offer to stay for dinner as just her offer for a joint dinner? Rather, I'm hearing that she's trying to control me? And, as a result, I control the situation by not staying? Ouch, this subconscious can be ugly!!

You asked why...I have sat on this and only come up with a surface answer. I'm not sure that this is it. Still pondering...

Perhaps you are reacting in the moment. Ponder the situation, outside of it, when calm and still. When more in your intellectual/logical car. Do you arrive at a different outcome/want?

This can help uncover the why of things. With knowing your logical reasoned path, you can follow it next time, regardless of temporary feelings/pressures. Those feelings are still valid and all, just not controlling/highjacking your path/direction.

Trying Doing. I, too am grateful for both mom and dad. They are both wonderful people. Aging. Yes, very much so. I cherish the moments and believe that part of the season I'm in is intended for me to spend more time with both. God works in mysterious ways. He may be saving me from guilt (for not making memories) I'd carry after they pass. H and I were pretty content with each other's company and didn't choose to spend time with others all that often. Is this God's way of saving me from myself?

Doing. Instead of trying methinks.

I too find that the single life allows more time to invest with others. Another piece of that silver lining.

Time is one’s most precious commodity. Yes, less guilt and regret. Being sincere and genuine. Letting folks know how much they mean to you, while you have the opportunity.

she left her steak tips but ate every last bit of dessert.

lol!

Absolutely. Can always find room for dessert.

D

[RegretfulLA]

Hey Mama!

Boy I wish I could have some of your peaches! I'm a jam maker myself - the curse and blessing of many fruit trees! We don't have bears or deer here, but I do have squirrels, possums and raccoons aplenty. Squirrels ate most of my figs this year. Varmints!

My mom triggers me too - yes, she forget things, and life just gets harder as we age. Hard to appreciate/understand that sometimes. By inviting you for dinner, maybe she just wants to spend time with you. That I can understand. Hard not to fall into those same patterns as we did when we were younger. I just try to remember that my parents won't be around forever when I get frustrated with them.

I would recommend that you try the AD's - they take the edge off and may help you get through a hard time. I took them for a while and they do help. Especially if you're changing jobs - you're going through a lot right now. You're a strong lady but the medication will help you cope with all of this change.

I know you said you're right on the anniversary of BD, but look at how far you have come. You're living, you're moving forward, YOU ARE A SURVIVOR!, and you're trying/learning new things. All without H. And you're doing the work to find you again. It's not easy sometimes, but there's no way around but through. Let's continue to support each other!

[MamaG]

Hello everyone!

Started my simpler job and expect an easy ride through YE. People are great. Senior dogs aren't enjoying it as I'm in the office more than I used to be which means quieter days for them.

Dog1 is vibrant and the discharge from his glands seems to be better than it was this summer. Not cleared, but better. His arthritis and various lumps aren't stopping him just yet!
Dog2's eyesight is progressively worse and thankfully he's only 11 pounds as I've been carrying him down staircases. Stairs are officially out of the question - perhaps it's depth perception that's off in addition to other eyesight issues he's faced. Actually, he's good with going up the stairs.

I've been out with several friend groups and done some catching up over delicious meals. One of the dinners provided for both laughter and tears. Apparently, it's not just dogs who are getting older and facing health concerns. Unbeknownst to us, we have all been going to the big city for different health issues since we last dined in Dec. We agreed to get together more often.

As for Pitch, Brother made some crazy decisions last week and I followed him up with crazy decisions this week. We're both laughing at our thought processes and decisions. It's been fun. Thankfully, neither of us is banking on the big payout. LOL

We're going on 7 weeks since H has needed his belongings. H has gone dormant. Nothing! I know it isn't recommended that we stage watch but certainly this is a change. Didn't attend the large volunteering event over Labor day weekend. A dog, antidepressants - neither of which I've been made aware of. And silent. No outreaches at all. What do we deduct? Could he be in depression/withdrawal?

Also, SIL (H's sister) sent an invite through a group text that included H, me and our kids to an event for nephew. I reorganized my schedule to ensure I could attend and then responded via text "Just changed my plans. I'll be there." H hasn't responded in true avoidant fashion. Not sure if he plans on attending but this would be the first family event we would attend since BD2 when family was made aware of his unhappiness...and I haven't seen him in months as I've detached for over 4 months.

And now I question if that was the right decision. With this being his blood family, should I have taken a back seat? Asked him if he would want me to attend?