Rumspringa

[RegretfulLA]

This is a continuation of my previous thread, "MLC Hubby wants to move out". Well, he's moved out, so it's a new chapter and time for a new thread.

Rumspringa is an Amish term for the time that teenagers take away from their colony to decide if they want to stay with their way of life or to join modern society.

This is what H is going through - trying to decide if he wants to stay with our marriage and life of 25 years or if he wants something else.

How nice for him.

His moving out was a bit of a surprise. Last weekend on Saturday he bought a car and on Sunday he went to the apartment and signed the lease. He never told me his plans, so when I got home from my GAL on Sunday he was gone and didn't return until late. I went to sleep at 11 pm, but first I texted him and accused him of cheating and told him to get out ASAP.

An hour and a half later he's home in bed and tapping me on the shoulder saying he's not cheating, he was at his new apartment because he's "miserable living here." I said "I'm sorry you're so miserable" and rolled over and went back to sleep.

The next day he got up, did a little work and then went to his new apartment and that was that. I was expecting him to say, "I'm moving out on X day." But that would have been too much to ask. He's signed a 6 month lease. I'm not sure 6 months will be long enough, but we'll see.

I'm doing ok. I feel like I need a break too, to tell you the truth. No tears. Maybe I'm just a little numb. But the marriage was at its breaking point, and now it's snapped. Time will tell if we can put it back together. Or not. I'm working on accepting the possibility of "not". "Not" may be the right choice.

I have been GAL'ing like crazy! Really good GAL. He left on a Monday. On Tuesday I went to a concert and sat in the front row. On Wednesday I met up with some old and dear work friends. On Thursday (today) I did a volunteer project and there was a gorgeous happy hour afterwards. I am sharing my story with my friends and getting a range of responses. Some want to know the details and talk about it. Some completely get it. Others don't know what to say. It's all fine. Everyone is supportive.

I made H agree to come here for dinner while S18 and S20 are still home. I am taking S20 back to college this weekend and I told H he had to stay here while I was gone so S18 didn't have to be by himself. I created a detailed "separation agreement" and now H has to sign it. H is not pushing back.

However... H was here this afternoon and left the house with the front door unlocked and back door wide open (behind a locked gate, but still.) This is the kind of behavior that would drive anyone crazy. He's so checked out he can't remember to lock the door. Not the first time either. I've come home to the door actually wide open. Things have been stolen from our car because H forgets to lock it. Etc. This may never change. But right now, there's nothing to compensate for it.

he's "miserable living here."

This really irks me, but it brings to mind something I've been coming back to over and over again - the idea of me as a surrogate mother. It explains a lot - his hesitancy towards me, his sexual repression, his need for my approval, and now, his rebellion and wanting to leave the house. For anyone new to my sitch, his mom left the family when he was 12ish so he's stuck at age 12. Has not dealt with the trauma, hence the current running away behavior.

That's the update folks. More to come.



Previous thread.

[DnJ]

Good Morning R

H’s springing his move upon you is par for the course. Very teenager-like.

I said "I'm sorry you're so miserable" and rolled over and went back to sleep.

Perfect!

I'm doing ok. I feel like I need a break too, to tell you the truth. No tears. Maybe I'm just a little numb. But the marriage was at its breaking point, and now it's snapped. Time will tell if we can put it back together. Or not. I'm working on accepting the possibility of "not". "Not" may be the right choice.

(((Hug)))

You’ve got time. No need to make any major decisions right now.

However... H was here this afternoon and left the house with the front door unlocked and back door wide open (behind a locked gate, but still.) This is the kind of behavior that would drive anyone crazy. He's so checked out he can't remember to lock the door. Not the first time either. I've come home to the door actually wide open. Things have been stolen from our car because H forgets to lock it.

With H moved out, change the locks.

Speak with your L prior to ensure the legality of such action. Coming home to my house that may or may not be as secure as I left it, would be unacceptable to me. I’d also get H’s set of car keys back. He has his own car, doesn’t need access to your’s.

he's "miserable living here."

Oh yes, irksome for sure.

H is a troubled and lost soul. He has lots of growing up to do. Being on his own; his miserable-ness is now on him. Give him to God.

Have an awesome Friday.

D

[RegretfulLA]

This week H stayed at my house with S18 while I was dropping S20 off at college. It's only a few more weeks until S18 goes so I've been "practicing" being an empty nester. H has been around a little more because he's been taking S18 to do fun stuff and kind of sort of (but not really) helping him get ready for college.

Yesterday H came by to take his bike in for a tune up so S18 could use it at college. It gave us a chance to chat. I was in the middle of work but H just sat down at the kitchen table as if he wanted to catch up. We did catch up - it was an unremarkable conversation. He seems to be settling in to his new place ok. Today H came over to pick up S18 for golf and started talking to me from 20 feet away in his usual mumbling tone. But when I said I couldn't hear him he took on this snotty "are you deaf" cadence. I definitely don't miss THAT. Certainly there's no way that he could be talking low; I must have a hearing problem!

My friends keep telling me "they are so sorry" and every time they say that I think that there's nothing to be sorry about. Well, there's obviously something to be sorry about, but I'm not really feeling sad or anything like that. I'm surprised by this. I thought I would feel SOMETHING. But really what I feel is relief and I'm kind of relishing not having to consider anyone else after doing so for 25 years. One of my friends actually said she was happy for me.

I feel a little guilty for not being more broken up about it, but maybe I processed all of that earlier in the summer when this was brewing. I don't know. It's given me the opportunity to see things differently. Things don't really feel that different, except now I don't have to experience H's negative energy all the time.

[MamaG]

Hi RegretfulLA! I'm stopping in to say hello. And, I hope you enjoyed the long weekend with great weather.

Sounds like you've made some real progress with detaching from H. This may be another explanation for not being 'broken up about it'. Keep on GALing!

MG

[RegretfulLA]

Thanks Mama! Unfortunately today there was a real setback.

Warning: venting ahead!

I was going through my credit card statements and there were two charges I didn't recognize - so when I looked into them they were TINDER AND HINGE!! Yes, my H charged his HOOKUP APPS to my credit card!! I am certain H didn't do this on purpose - my card had been connected to his Apple Pay so we could charge other normal things to it. And like I said, he's so not careful with money. Not excusing him... I don't think it was consciously malicious though.

Well - as anyone could imagine - I basically lost it with this and dashed off a series of very angry texts followed by a very angry phone call with a lot of yelling. At first H was only apologizing for charging to my card. He SERIOUSLY DIDN'T GET that what he did was a GIGANTIC SLAP IN THE FACE. Sorry for all the caps, I'm still so pissed, and rightly so. By the end of the phone call I think I got him to understand that what he's doing is incredibly hurtful and damaging. It won't stop him from doing it, however.

I don't see how we move past this. Yes, I understood that he wanted to "sample the buffet" but at the same time having it right in your face is so awful... so, so awful. At this point I cannot imagine taking him back. How could he possibly right these set of wrongs AND THEN also come back into this M in the way I need him to be? I just don't think he has it in him... and if this is what it has taken for me to finally see that, then I guess that's good. I just can't with him anymore, at least for right now. This one really pushed me over the edge and sapped the very last bit of goodwill I had towards him.

My biggest fear - honestly - is losing my house. It's not being alone, it's not seeing him with some other person, it's losing my house. Whatever happens, I cannot lose this house!

I'm not sure what's worse - leaving your wife for random hookups or leaving your wife for an affair? I think random hookups is way worse!!!

[DnJ]

Good Morning R

That would be quite a shock on the credit card bill. And yes, H was so oblivious to how such would make you feel. His empathy chip is broken. He can’t even handle his own emotions, never mind anyone else’s.

Some financial suggestions to perhaps take another look at:

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2950013#Post2950013

Is the credit card your’s? Or joint? Even if it is joint, pay it off and cancel it. Then get a new one. A new card, only in your name, a new number that H doesn’t have in his phone or access to. Let H figure out his own credit card arrangements.

My biggest fear - honestly - is losing my house. It's not being alone, it's not seeing him with some other person, it's losing my house. Whatever happens, I cannot lose this house!

Did you speak with a L yet?

Business/financial path. H’s removal of $100,000 to fund his moving out should reciprocate on your side of the ledger. Goes a long ways to owning the house, methinks.

Remember, you are on two paths. You need to look after your financial protection and security.

D

[RegretfulLA]

Hi D -
No visit to L yet. Our arrangement involves me receiving his paycheck in full and disbursing a stipend back to him, so it's not in my best interest to make any rash financial moves. I am actually in control of our money. The credit card is off his phone and he has no access to it. We have a separation agreement that details all of our financial arrangements. I like your idea of the 100K "credit" however!!!

We are not adversarial and I don't wish to make it so at this point, but this incident swung the pendulum for me firmly towards D. It was basically the last straw, and I think he knows that. Therefore I am orienting myself with D in mind and not reconciliation. The fact that he has moved out and made efforts to "date" other people says to me that he is done with this relationship. I know that the spirit of this forum and Michele's teachings is to avoid D, but I don't think I can continue to be a doormat. This is unacceptable and disrespectful behavior, and if I were advising someone else, I think I would tell them not to accept it either. I also don't think Michele would say "be a doormat for the sake of saving your M".

That said, H has signed a 6 month lease and I am willing to let this play out for the full 6 months. I am willing to hear what H has to say at the end of the 6 months, but I deserve better than this. No self respecting woman would put up with this - the benefit just does not outweigh the cost. House or no house.

(Plus he snores like a freight train and it's been a relief to get away from that.)

I believe that he subconsciously torched this relationship so that I would be the one to initiate D. So, he may get his wish.

[DnJ]

Good Morning R

Lots of leaving spouses, consciously and subconsciously, partake in behaviours and actions to attempt the LBS to take steps towards divorce. They want the LBS to be the bad guy. They’ll bait, start arguments, etc, to try to get the LBS to do the work. Sidestep H’s traps. Leave the heavy-lifting to H. He’s the one who wants out.

That being said, if one needs financial security or protection, then get it. Otherwise, let it be.

You are correct, with all of that, do not be a doormat. Boundaries, focusing on you, going dim/dark, etc. Leave H to his unacceptable and disrespectful behaviour. You cannot control it, nor him; only yourself.

Any reconciliation will be creating a new relationship, not saving the old marriage. In that respect, divorced or not matters little.

In fact, what matters is you. Do for you. Take the time to heal, to live, to find your peace. Which I know you are. You’re levelheaded and not making rash decisions.

Continue moving forward. You got this.

D

[MamaG]

RegretfulLA - hope you enjoyed the weekend without snoring nor H's antics.

I'm sorry to hear about the charges you came across. I can't imagine the emotions that ran through you. DnJ explained heavy lifting well in my thread. Give it another read.

We know that replay behaviors include activities MLCer wouldn't typically partake in pre-MLC. Being unfaithful is a way many seek 'happy'. Believe me, I don't condone it nor imply it's an easy finding. Still, we know it's common.

Only you know what you can overcome and forgive. Give your decision some time and thought. You don't need to decide whether to file or not today.

Hugs to you.

[RegretfulLA]

Hi Everyone,
It's been a couple of weeks already! Time flies when you're GAL'ing!

Thank you all for your kind and supportive words. It's very helpful. Yes, it's one day at a time and no decisions need to be made, but I'm a planner and I like to have a map of where things might go. I've got to reflect on what has happened in the last month, year, 5, 10 years and really re-evaluate it.

Any reconciliation will be creating a new relationship, not saving the old marriage. In that respect, divorced or not matters little.

I love this. It's totally true. And I'm not sure I would choose H all over again. At least, not H in his current state.

Last week we dropped off S18 at college so I am an officially an empty nester! It's just me and the dogs now! Aside from figuring out how to to cook for one, I'm enjoying the peace and quiet and freedom. I can breathe! I've been spending time clearing out junk and organizing and it's been great (yes, this is what I consider "great").

College dropoff went smoothly. H came with but had his own hotel room and drove his own car. Except for one moment when he told me not to yell my son's name to get his attention (which I find ridiculous), we got along. We ate meals together, we went to Target together to get supplies and gave each other a hug when it was time to say goodbye.

On my drive home H called me and said THANK YOU for handling S18's move - he appreciated all the hard work and planning that went into it. Well knock me over with a feather! I just told him I appreciated him saying that and yes, it's a lot of work.

Other than that it's been quiet from H side. I'm piling up his mail. He ordered something and it arrived here and I assume he'll figure that out at some point. I had to communicate with him re: my dogs and we are still on group chat with the boys but I am laying low regarding my plans, whereabouts etc. and he is doing same.

The other thing that happened is that when I was talking to S20 today he said, "Dad says hi." I asked him for clarification - your father said tell Mom hi? S20 said yes. That is classic H. Do everything except communicate directly. I just said "Ok" - not "say hi back" or anything like that .

It reminded me of the time when I was on a work trip and my phone wasn't receiving texts, so instead of CALLING ME or CALLING THE HOTEL he went on Facebook and tried to reach out to my friends who were on the trip with me - it was so weird.

I've been GAL'ing plenty - I had 2 amazing GAL activities today and more lined up over the next few weeks - even turned down a GAL! Not feeling sad or sorry for myself. My friends are a little envious of my "no H house", LOL!