Grief and Gratitude, Grok - Shifting

[grok]

All the thoughts Pt 1

Death without a funeral
Grief seems to start anew

Pains feel innumerable
Feelings slide to blue

Time within this crucible
An emergence, a breakthrough

Something very beautiful
The discovery of you.

An amazingly short encapsulation of the entire year+ process. Every time I read it I cycle though all the stages in about a minute. If you’ve been through it you know.

And like all good poetry, it reaches into our experiences and feelings to pull out meaning FAR beyond the words themselves.

3 people that didn't know me, or her. Didn't know the joys and sadness, the trials and tribulations, the for richer or poorer, the sickness and health of our marriage....

And they watched it end with a click of a pen….

Sitting in that courtroom for less than 10 minutes, her in the petitioner desk and me at the defendant, the judge chipper and smiles, ~10 people in the rows behind us awaiting their turn, and only a few short questions directed at her and the quiet unconfident answers despite herself, resulted in a simple email with a PDF attached. “Dissolved”. No one in the state process knows or cares about the rich tapestry of 25 years together.

What it didn't do however, was to change my heart, my feelings or emotions, and it sure as heck didn't take away my memories of it.

With that click of the Bic, I had a million emotions wash across me in an instant, and I felt the sting from a thousand needles while a tear welled in my eye.....

Then it was gone. Or at least the intensity of it was gone.

I found that nothing she did or said changed my heart or mind or choices along the way. They were all my own. I didn’t know this would be true at the start.

Resulting emotions? It comes and goes in slow, occasional waves now. Not nearly the intensity. I let it flow and go. Paraphrasing the Bene Gesserit saying from Dune,

I will face my feelings. I will permit them to pass over me and through me. And when they have gone past I will turn the inner eye to see their path. Where the feelings have gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

That paper doesn't and won't define what your marriage was, and it sure as F won't define who YOU are....

Feel this, let it burn deep for a minute, then process it and let it go....

Your vows have nothing to do with your spouse, Ex-spouse, or even the legal side of a marriage....

Your vows belong to you ….

And it takes a while to internalize long after you see the intellectual truth. … and right now that paper represents a pile of work to separate and divide up the accounts as agreed in the next ~30 days. Sigh. I had better do it myself if I want it quick and right.

The vows? I still think of mine periodically. I haven’t looked at hers in about a year. I don’t think I care to. Paraphrasing DnJ reminders, leave that to God to adjudicate.

PS....I pinged you in the Alt.

Jus sayin

Thanks for that BTW. Feels like the checking in with each other after the hurricane down here. I put pics on that account too.

g

[Cadet]

Feels like the checking in with each other after the hurricane down here.

Hope all is well looks like that season is here.

You know the most important thing from your marriage you still have, three living breathing amazing humans.

Keep enjoying them throughout the years to come.
They will bring you much joy.

[grok]

Interlude, What do they see?

These three living breathing amazing humans

A week ago? While XW's last angora rabbit was still alive I was trying to provide some care. It lived on the back porch and before bed each night I made sure it had food and water. Since she was in the home often I left it to her to do all the other care. Just like the first one though, I came back from a week away for work and found it living in and covered with it's own poop and pee and fleas. It was unable to stand anymore. XW had promised many times over the past year to take it to her place as she had plans…
…
I heard D17 and D19 discussing. ”You tell momma she has to take it or give it to someone.” “Why do I have to always be the one?” “She listens to you sometimes.” “It’s her business, not mine.” “But I can’t! She doesn’t listen. “
…
D17 sadly, ”Dad, I told momma it needed a rescue place and she said she’d look for one.”
…
I took it into the back yard and hosed it off. I got most of the filth off. It was very skinny with patches of bare skin. It couldn’t stand. I put food and water where it could reach without walking around.
…
D17, ”Dad, I don’t think the bunny will make it. It will be just like the other one.”
G, softly, ”I know D17…. You are right. ….. “

And I stood there by the back porch with a tightness in my chest and tears in my eyes. Not just for a rabbit. But for all this represented … how we got to this point. The subtle low level chaos destruction death.

She could see it in me. She came over and gave me a hug as tight as she could with 17 year old gymnast muscles.

D17, softly, ”Dad, we know you are doing the very best you can.”


g


Afterward

The next morning it was dead.

D17, ”Dad, you tell momma OK? I don’t want to. Don’t be … mean OK?”

(The kids had said when the previous rabbit died she didn’t handle it well, going out to her van, crying and beating herself up over letting it die, for she did. I had said nothing and kept to STFU smoothies)

G, ”OK D17. I will. In this and other things I … … just stick to the facts and leave it at that. Anything else is up to her.”

D17 nods.



Sad news to relay today. Your rabbit died.

I thought she was near to it. Thank you for letting me know. I will take of her when I come by in the morning.

I took care of it.

Okay. Thank you.

[DnJ]

Sorry G.

You did right letting XW know about the bunny. Just the facts is a good/wise choice.

D

[grok]

The little funny things

They will bring you much joy.

S12, D17, and I are watching Lord of the Rings - Fellowship of the Ring tonight. D19 is out with a friend.

I tried making Carmel coated popcorn twice but it didn’t work. The sugar melted and burned in the pan each time. D17 made pumpkin pies with a little help, put whip cream on it, and served it to us as we began.

D17, ”Ugh, this doesn’t taste right. It’s not sweet at all.”

G, ”Um, did you add the sugar?”

D17, ” Shut up! Shut up! You were supposed to be helping me. It’s your fault! It’s NOT funny! Stop laughing!”

S12 and I are laughing. It takes a few minutes but she eventually laughs too. We put spoonfuls of sugar over the top and it tastes fine.

Where are their hearts…

Half an hour into the movie, XW shows up and messages the kids for goodnights 2 hours early at 730p. She didn’t show up last night. I assume she messaged the kids. I believe she indicated the next 20 weekends or so she has craft fairs to sell at with her booth.

S12 with some annoyance, ”What is she doing here now? It’s way too early?”
D17 reluctantly and thinking, ”Come on S12, … … We’ll say good night and then we can come back in and finish the movie””

D17 came back in 5 minutes later saying S12 will be in right behind. S12 came in with XW as she needs restroom stops. OK, sure, normal human kindness. S12 seems disturbed and to want her to stay. He was always a bit of a momma’s boy. This split and her substantial absence has caused him sleep issues and more. She says no, I have to go, you’ll be sad to miss the movie, and out she goes with a back and forth of “I love you more.”

We return to the movie.

g

[grok]

All the thoughts p2

Stay strong grok, i feel like im on the same boat as you. Its true, while a death is hard to process emotionally, losing a spouse you've spent your whole life together and built a partnership with, it is one of the most painful and devastating losses one can experience.

Most of my adult life for sure...Met in 1998 on my first military assignment. To me it always seemed to be it was by the hand of God. For those who don’t know, much of the US military has an unofficial tradition of assigning a peer to new incoming personnel as their “sponsor.”

That day I heard the duty officer asking around “where is LT X? He’s the designated one for any incoming this week. We have a newbie at the gate. “ “Sir, he got called out for site Y’s issues. He won’t be back for like 16 hours “ “Well s*** @:&$;”

Also traditional, whoever is within arms reach of the person doing the assigning is going to get the duty.... Smart youngins try to be out of sight... I wasn't as smart at the time.

"Hey G! Drop what you have going and go get the new LT at the gate. You know the drill." This includes all the paperwork for various departments, helping set up appointments to meet various levels of command, organizational overview and introductions, AND you are expected to be the social facilitator to all the peers and their various social activities.

I go to the gate and realize the newbie is female. I like her shape 🙂. And over that day realized we have a lot in common. Huh...I'm expected to be her social coordinator for a while ... Built in dates ? I took her to first hang out with my friends...a married pair of LTs who in time were our best man and maid of honor.

It’s a lingering pain, you that you know you will have to live with whether it be ever present or a nagging thought or emotion in the back of your subconscious.

It sits there in the dark. Inside. Her sun become a tiny black hole. Originally threatening to consume me. Now it is still there, muted and isolated from the rest of me... I chose to grow faster than it could consume. To detach and not provide it with anything to consume and grow. Perhaps it will extinguish one day as I process it bit by bit. Perhaps it will be there but not matter with a full and joy filled life.

I too like you am nearing the end of half a lifetime with someone. Even thinking about the final stroke of the pen can bring a sudden feeling of a loss of ones own self being. Just know that I am rooting for you and that you come out of the other side of this with your head held high and a sense of relief of an end to that chapter.

I GET it. You give of yourself to become ONE. The death of that ONE is a form of loss of ones own self being. The discussion of co-dependance and self differentiation in marriage is put aside for another day.

There has been some form/sense of relief with the final signature. Still the actual asset division to finish. Lingering threads...

Have faith you will be reborn

Life will go on and all will be CUTE again

I have FAITH! And absorbed wisdom here ... There are no shortcuts. It will take the time it takes. Doing the work.

You are the man

Embrace it (((hugs)))

I take the meaning to heart. I didn't ask for this. I didn't want this. I, the MAN, am here though. I will embrance and own who and where I am.

Hi Grok, as Mama suggests, I'm not sure I've got the right words so will just say that you have a community here for continued support. Take time to mourn the loss (some say it can be second only to experiencing a death), do good things to care for yourself, and continue re-booting your individual life to the best extent possible. All the best, P.

Thanks MrP, I'm still working on balancing work, care for self, and time for the kids. I think this will be a continuous process 🙂 Feeling the loss...well... I let myself feel each day as I encounter parts where I would have had a wife to be part of it.

I personally think it’s worse not second because in death you are sure there is no recovery whereas in this case you might think their is hope.

Of course there really is none which you have not yet figured out.

That is when true detachment occurs.

A side observation on hope and detachment. One thing snooping did accelerate for me was detaching. Because it removed hope. I could SEE her pledging herself to OM. It was True Love (TM). They were Twin Flames (TM). And many other 14 year old girl SQUEEEEE. From wisdom here and elsewhere...Limerence + PEA addiction meant that from some nebulous future NC it would be at least 18 months to go back to neutral. And still have to go through the stages of both the loss of marriage and loss of OM.



g

[grok]

As I mentioned before, XW has been sending me back each alimony payment and asked for it to be applied to the outstanding debt on her van. Debt that I had accepted as part of a 50/50 asset split.

I received the following yesterday:

"I would like to ask for a pause on paying it back during November and December for birthday and Christmas expenses. If I don’t use it I will pay it back to you with January’s installment.

I haven't replied yet. The phrasing as a request confuses me. It is hers by our agreement. To do with whatever she wants. There is no obligation to send it back to me. I have no expectations for it each month.

Is this a female style communication that I don't understand?

It doesn't bother me. I constructed several replies... None seemed quite right. Mabe just "OK"

g

[MamaG]

Hi G! Hope you fared well with the hurricane.

If you feel like you need to acknowledge/respond, how about simply liking the message? No words. No emojis.

MG

[DnJ]

Good Morning g

Ensure to continue sending the alimony payments. You need a continuous paper trail.

As for her returning payments to offset/payback a debt she feels she owes on her van, that’s fine. Just like her requesting to hold back the next two months worth, that’s fine as well.

I’d answer her request regarding holding back November’s and December’s van payments with “No problem. Thanks for letting me know.”

True, she does not have to pay back the debt. I believe you mentioned that to her already. Yet, she feels she wants to. As said, that’s fine. For some reason paying back that debt is important to her.

D

[grok]

Thanks MamaG and DnJ,

I just went with "OK, thanks for letting me know"

Slowly learning ways to validate emotions or, in this case, acknowledge, without approval or disapproval of the underlying choices or actions.

We fared quite well with the hurricane, thanks for asking. Only little branches and leaves down. Our little subdivision is built on 8+ feet of fill above the original ground level. ~11 feet over sea level. There is a very narrow corridor a hurricane would have to travel to push flood surge to my home. Every other path means only wind danger.

Others I know in the towns around were flooded. D19's friend had their house flood with 1+ feet of water inside. Of course they live on the bay, ~4 feet over sea level, in a subdivision where everyone has a boat dock at their house!

Yesterday I set my playlist to random from all the albums on my Plex server (FYI my own media server) and got to introduce Blue Rodeo, a Canadian country rock band, to D17.

Hasn’t Hit Me Yet by Blue Rodeo from Five Days in July

Never thought this could happen
But somehow the feeling's gone
You got sick of the pattern
And I got lost in this song

Hey, hey, I guess it hasn't hit me yet
I fell through this crack and I kinda lost my head
I stand transfixed before this streetlight
Watching the snow fall on this cold December night

g