Hey, T. Understandable that you'd be frustrated by your XW not adhering to your custody arrangement. As we say, accountability is their kryptonite, especially when a legal agreement is likely involved.
I appreciate you sharing your arrangement. If my D goes through, I am thinking about what is best for my D13. She seems to want to stay at both places and, to me, it is important that she do so. When my parents divorced, my father made me go to my mother's, even when I didn't want to. Now, it might have been as much for him to get a "break" as his belief that my feelings about my mom were fleeting and I needed to experience both parents. Either way, it helped me see more about both parents, understand how they were unlikely to have been incompatible in the long run, and appreciate the pros/cons of living with either. From that experience, I'd say kids see and hear more than we think. And, they apply it later in life in how they choose to relate to each parent.
Keep doing what is best for you and your kids. Have faith in that guiding principle. If their free will (or bad judgment) pulls them to your XW, so be it. You'll have done the best you could. And, I suspect they'll see that and respond accordingly.
Thanks guys. Yeah I'm not sure what the best answer is. XW and I honestly (I think) are trying to do what is in sons best interest. But I also think it's putting a lot of pressure on him.
He stayed with me Sunday and Monday, and XW picked him up yesterday evening. I probably won't see him again till Friday. There is nothing more heartbreaking than him leaving, knowing I won't see him again for a few days. I hate to say it, in a small way it's nice to get a little break, but it's also really depressing.
MrP, i haven't been up to much. I think I said before, the first 2 months of this were actually easy, due to being so damn busy with the house, sons activities, etc. Now things have slowed down and reality has set in. It's weird, in a way all of this feels somehow 'temporary'.
I've met and went out with a girl a few times. Am I ready to date? I don't know. Probably not. But the alternative to going to dinner or something with her is going out to bars with my alcoholic friends. I really need to refocus on my health (mental and physical), and also not blowing money.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
I get it, T. Company is good and, if you've got your mind in the right place, the gender of the company doesn't matter. And, especially in the evenings, options for social engagement can be limited and many involve blowing money and drinking.
I've been keeping an eye out for cultural events that are open to the public as an alternative. It can be a great way to mix things up with a new crowd that has at least one interest in common with me. I've also had some co-workers and neighbors bugging me about hanging out so I've finally taken them up on those offers. Much like 180s, you just have to proactively keep trying to identify different alternatives, ideally things you've wanted to try but haven't or things that you know you'd enjoy and take it from there. I may have said this once before...and heard it from a former counselor...it is also important to be able to self-soothe and spend time alone without relying on others for comfort or company. That is one of the best pieces of guidance I'd ever received and I've made major progress on it since then.
Indeed I also understand what you mean by things feeling "temporary" or surreal in some ways in our situations. For me, it has helped to just revisit my short- and long-term goals and make sure I'm making progress on things like retirement (+10 years out), relationships with family and friends, mapping out what D13 has coming our way over the next few years approaching high school and college. Phew. That generates enough to keep my mind and body busy alone!
Anyway, good to hear your update and looking forward to more down the road. Take care. P
Hi folks. Hope you're all well! It's been almost 2 months since my last post, so thought I'd just check in with everyone.
Life is rolling along. XW and I continue to coparent reasonably well. Son has been doing fine, although it still bothers him going back and forth, and not really having a set schedule. He also seems a little bummed out that in a few weeks it'll be his first birthday since the D.
My mental state has been pretty good I guess. I still find myself thinking about XW a lot. Not really missing her, but just missing the former life. I suppose the first year is the hardest, since every date/event now is the 'first time' (birthdays, 4th of July, etc).
I've been seeing a girl that last month or two. It isn't/wasn't serious. We haven't had sex or anything yet. But things are progressing. Sometimes I feel a little too quickly. But she's really cool, understanding, and most importantly, seems to really like me.
Two of my best friends (husband and wife), and my brother and his gf have booked a cruise over New Years. They've begged me to go with them, and have mentioned it several times to the girl I'm seeing. She is totally into it. That's good, but a little scary. We still have several months to see what happens.
Anyway, hope all is well with everyone!
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
I found that first year to be tough. And kids do as well. All those special dates, the first Christmas, birthday, new years, valentines, etc; after BD, then after separation, then after divorce. Well, a few first “first” ones, right?
Such is grief. We grieve the loss of our old normal and find acceptance of our new normal.
I experienced a likewise depression and “firsts” after the death of my grandparents years ago, and now, present day, my cousin as well. And will again with my parents and other losses. It’s perfectly healthy and normal. Not a complete list of my losses by any stretch, just illustrating the similarity of the grief process is all. The amplitude and duration of one’s grief, ah, that is/was quite a bit larger for the martial situation.
Life is full of loss/change events and the corresponding grief. Even positive change, example retirement, has a loss component. Loss of camaraderie, loss of routine, loss of idiot bosses (haha), and so on. Some losses are much quicker to find acceptance with.
Big stuff like divorce, my advice is no major changes for one year. Let all those firsts be assimilated and experienced. Let all that settle. That’s one year after signing and stamped by the courts. A year for the ink to dry. Signed and finalized is definitely new/different/more than legally separated.
Originally Posted by Terapin
My mental state has been pretty good I guess. I still find myself thinking about XW a lot. Not really missing her, but just missing the former life.
Yep.
Coming up on seven years and I still think of my XW. She’s the mother of our children. We were together for 31 years. We didn’t/don’t even coparent, like you are doing. I had sole custody.
You don’t forget. You find peace with it.
As in: My mental state is good. Really good. I do think about XW every now and then. I do miss her, and the life I had. I absolutely love the life I do have!
There is not buts about it. No “buts”, no justifications, no building exceptions to the rule. I just live it.
Acceptance, peace, contentment, it comes. It takes time. One day you simply realize it. No I guess, no buts, just are, just is.
Same for dating, or being ready to. Discover you before discovering someone else. There will be no guesswork when you are truly ready.
Have a great day T.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Great to read your update, T. It sounds like great progress overall. When you've put a lot into a relationship, of course, you'll continue to reflect on it for a while. What went wrong? What went right? How to have better relationships in the future? As DnJ suggests, take the first year in stride. You continue to be careful about dating and as long as that is the case a bit of companionship and fun can be helpful.
Glad to hear co-parenting is going well too. Having to see a former spouse like that can be challenging I expect. As you've shown before, your focus is doing the best you can for your son as his year of "firsts" will be difficult too.
The trip sounds like a nice diversion. I hope it works out!
Hi everyone. Wow, hard to believe it's been over 3 months since I've posted. Life's been crazy I guess. Just wanted to check in and say hello.
Overall things have been pretty good. I've been dating a girl for a few months now. She's been great. Almost a 180 from XW. She's supportive, physically into me, sweet, etc. It does bother her that we only get to see each other a day or two a week, mostly due to my son. But for now, that's like perfect for me. Not sure I could or would commit to much more at this time. I tore my MCL playing baseball, but still trying to play through it. lol. She's came to every game to watch. XW I think came to 3 games in 10 years.
Son is busy with football now, plus wrestling practices. He's seemingly adjusted to everything pretty well. He does seem a little sad at times, but that's to be expected I guess. I typically have him more than 50% of the time. It was great in the summer, since at my house he can swim, ride bikes, shoot hoops, etc etc.
XW and I continue to coparent pretty well I think. She's still very uninvolved with his sports. He's had 4 football games, and she hasn't made any of them. Hasn't come to any meetings, parents nights, hasn't volunteered with anything. Always 'busy' with work, sick, or whatever other excuse she can come up with. She still texts me usually every day. 95% of the time it's related to our son, but the last few weeks she's texted a few times about stupid small talk crap. I rarely reply, and if I do it's a one word answer.
I unfriended her on facebook the day of the divorce. A friend and I were out for drinks last week, and he said she's posted a few things on her page about how the dating market [censored], how hard it is being a single parent, etc. lol. Apparently she was too dumb to realize all that last year. Whatever. She's aware of me involved with this new girl, and has made a few snide comments about it to mutual friends. Nothing nasty, just stuff like 'well that didn't take long', 'he sure moved on quick', etc
Anyhow, that's about it for now. Sorry I've been MIA, but I'm going to be around more often. Hope everyone is well.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Hey T. Injuries are frustrating. Softball and flag football did a number on me a few years back so I've taken to sparingly doing much more than basketball and some free weights these days. I hope you heal up quickly.
As is often the caution in these pages, enjoy the moment with the new lady in your life. I'm sure you've read past forums on the amount of time recommended between the Big D and another, serious relationship. As you and DnJ have suggested, you're still decompressing from that lengthy experience and tethered to XW through parenting. So, have fun, stay focused on yourself and being the best dad possible, and just enjoy the ride for a bit.
Hearing what XW commented to your mutual friends is unsurprising. They have to say those things to reassure themselves THEY were in the right....to reinforce that their decisions was right and their former spouse the sole cause of the D, especially when 1) hearing you're OK and 2) worrying you may be doing "better" than they are. It isn't a competition. Your lives on on separate paths now. You are the prize that got away!
Thanks guys. Quick question, which I probably already know the answer to.
XW rarely attends any of our sons sporting events. It's been this way for years. Either she was working, stressed from working, tired from working, didn't want to have to chat with other parents, etc, etc. Meanwhile, in 8 years and literally hundreds of football games, wrestling tournaments, basketball games, etc, I've never missed any. Not a single one. She also never attends parent meetings, never does required volunteering, never sells tickets, etc. It's all me.
Anyway, he's had 5 football games in the last month, and she's attended zero. I know it bothers our son, especially when his friends/teammates have everyone on their family tree in attendance, and he has only me and sometimes my parents. Is this something I should mention to her? It pisses me off to no end that she puts work and her own hobbies (sleeping, drinking wine, shopping) over our son. I obviously can't do anything about it, but I'm so tempted to tell her how pathetic I, him, and everyone else thinks it is
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
