Four years later and I reread my posts here. So much has changed and so much has stayed the same. I’m remarried now to my first high school sweetheart that I wrote about in my early posts. Crazy how much has happened since the dark days of limbo with my ex. I appreciate all of the advice and kind words from everyone here and hope for the best for all.
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
Welcome back! You say you're remarried but don't say how it's going? Did you do the work to properly deal with any emotional baggage from your first marriage? Or did you carry that into the new one?
This kind of perspective can be extremely beneficial to those dealing with the end of their MR.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Just read through your entire sitch. I think it's great you came back for an update because for me (and I assume others) it's always so great to see the longer view of these sitches instead of it just falling off after R or D.
You must be 45ish now and D17 and S13? How have your kids managed through it all? How is your marriage with your HS girlfriend (assume that's the widow with a kid of her own you started seeing)? Any contact with your ExW? How's she acting these days...any attempts to R, has she gotten more reasonable parenting?
Also...incredible stories from your childhood and growing up. You certainly have life experiences most don't. Sorry you had to go through all that stuff with your parents. moving around in bad situations. Did you ever discuss your path with your IC and how that might impacts your relationships?
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Been married for three and a half years now and I couldn’t be happier. My new wife and my Ex actually knew each other back in the day and have been somewhat amicable so far. As far as the emotional baggage and doing the hard work on myself goes I would have to say that it is a continuous improvement process that really doesn’t have an ending. I have been to the darkest lows of my life during the early days of my situation with my ex but through the strength of my children and the support of my friends and family and my new wife I feel really good about where I am today. My perspective has shifted from the days when I was a regular here and I suspect that most people’s will over this amount of time. At first many people are floundering not knowing what direction to go and end up on a forum like this looking for some magical tactic to save their marriage when the truth is that nothing you can do will change anyone’s mind about what they are going to do, the only thing we can do is change ourselves and change for the better. One thing that has really stuck with me throughout all of the advice that is generously offered here is that you have been given a gift, a gift of time. Use it wisely.
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
I actually married the other girl from my earlier story. She and I had lost touch for about 20 years and she turned out to be a very sweet person. She never married and never had children. She believes that God had a plan for her to wait until I came back around. You are correct on our ages now. My son and my wife are getting along very well but my D17 has begun rebelling against her and I and wanted to stay with her mother for a while so I agreed to support her decision. Teenage girls are an animal all their own. My ex has been dating a guy for a couple of years now, he is definitely a polar opposite of me. He can’t keep a job, has wrecked several vehicles since they have been together and is living rent free in my ex’s mother’s rent house. So I don’t really understand what she sees in the guy but what can you do? I have recently been able to pay her off for the half of the equity in our marital home and now live there with my wife and son. We have taken up beekeeping of all things and are really enjoying our new chapter. I’m sure my D17 will come around before too long and we can all try to move forward together. My relationship with my IC was a little unique that she was also my brother’s IC. Well court ordered IC and she turned out to be a very good one. The point is that she had about 3 years with my brother and counseling him before I ever even talked to her so she had quite a head start on how my ( our) childhood was. I believe that helped me tremendously in that I didn’t have to spend countless hours trying to explain these things to her, especially in a time when I was not particularly interested in dredging up the past but looking for some kind of help with my marriage. It’s funny how things can turn out sometimes
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
Amen. I have a D16 and it's interesting age simultaneously supporting their independence and nudging them in the preferred direction. At 17, I would probably choose the same as you--supporting her as she's almost an adult--but it must be tough to see her go. I'm glad you have enough trust in your ex to finish the job of raising your daughter well.
Originally Posted by 2lt2lt
he is definitely a polar opposite of me. He can’t keep a job, has wrecked several vehicles since they have been together and is living rent free in my ex’s mother’s rent house. So I don’t really understand what she sees in the guy but what can you do?
I'm definitely less financially stable and well-off than my GF's XH. My GF has her finances covered--she's looking for a deeper emotional and physical connection. If you both found people who better meet your needs, how great something positive came out of this and you're both stable parents.
Amen. I have a D16 and it's interesting age simultaneously supporting their independence and nudging them in the preferred direction. At 17, I would probably choose the same as you--supporting her as she's almost an adult--but it must be tough to see her go. I'm glad you have enough trust in your ex to finish the job of raising your daughter well.
Originally Posted by 2lt2lt
he is definitely a polar opposite of me. He can’t keep a job, has wrecked several vehicles since they have been together and is living rent free in my ex’s mother’s rent house. So I don’t really understand what she sees in the guy but what can you do?
I'm definitely less financially stable and well-off than my GF's XH. My GF has her finances covered--she's looking for a deeper emotional and physical connection. If you both found people who better meet your needs, how great something positive came out of this and you're both stable parents.
lol. Only Cws could look at her boyfriend as a positive lol.
So it has been a few more years since I have posted here. I have been working and raising my kids as best I can. My DD is a junior in college and got a scholarship in choir of all things. She is a very talented singer and musician. She aspires to be a high school music teacher and I am very proud of her. My DS is a senior in high school and has excelled academically to heights I never imagined. It’s looking like he will get a full ride to pretty much any school he chooses. Couldn’t be more proud. The ex and I have essentially been nothing more than business partners and nothing more. She has long since been over her midlife crisis and now she lives alone and just exists as far as I can tell. I wish the best for her and whatever she decides to do but I can’t have anything to do with her except for when dealing with the kids. My current wife and I have been married now for going on seven years! We are both looking forward to being empty nesters and moving out to the country. I truly thank everyone here for all the support throughout some of the toughest times in my life and encourage anyone that has found themselves in this horrible situation to read through others posts and learn from them that there is hope, there is life outside of the despair you may be feeling, and there are some amazing stories of rising above and beginning anew. Never give up and never give in.
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
It nice to see you pop in and sharing your rising above. At the start, one is just trying to survive their truly horrible time. And in time, one actually survives and thrives their situation; doing their inner work, becoming a better version of themselves.
I understand your pride in your kids. Congratulations! They have certainly reached some lofty goals. I hope they continue and work towards their aspirations.
And congrats on your relationship. Seven years! I found empty nesting to be, oddly, a welcomed stage of life. I suppose that indicates how comfortable and accepting one is, which I infer you are quite comfortable in your skin.
Hope you have a great weekend.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Its nice to hear this story after so many years of dealing with the situation many of us are fresher out of. Its a great way of knowing there is something to look forward to and a metaphorical light at the end of the tunnel. The reality is, we cannot change people and in the end we have to realize our value and worth. Many of us while we are knee deep in the mud, we never think or envision that there is someone better out there for us. The reality is there are broken people who cannot handle difficulties in life, unfortunately we become the collateral damage. Its nice to see your story and that youve found your happiness, i did not read your full thread but after a certain amount of posts here we begin seeing a pattern that replicates and repeats, almost like a template. Good luck and hopefully there will be more good fortune for you
