Hi I need some advice. Please and thanks. 20 days ago spouse left.for.another state found new gf .roughly dating six mo. I'm having all the usual feels. I've done the no to little contact. With him reaching out twice once to another person hence wondered if I was mad at him, but today after 3 days no contact us reached out to see how I was . I waited for two hours and he responded with hello? And again with I'm worried about you. So I responded with ill be fine thanks for asking. He said I know you'll be fine I'm worried about your migraines. I responded after heavy thought that they essentially will cont until some things resolve or get discussed further . Kids finances insurance etc he said he gets it lots to work through. Exactly. Hard to do at a distance .not said tho. I confronted him with some lying about the last six months he said it was not his intentions didn't plan it etc. I asked how in was supposed to trust him now? He said you'll believe what you'll believe. I said why wouldn't I why shouldn't I please explain. He said he had no intention of falling for this person, I wasn't looking for it in was perfectly happy I let my guard down. He was in TN. I'm in ME he was constructing a new house for us. I said I understand letting your guard down and distance was not our friend.. He then begins to open up a bit about us falling into a rut not really caring if we were doing things to make each other happy . Our weight no exercising etc. I said we were not discussing openly because we are both non confrontational.. I reminded him how happy we were when we we're happy walking and hiking and that how that spurred us to naturally eat better too. We continued in that manner for a bit with additional kind back and forth chatter. I was pleased. I wanted to end it first . Lol learning . So I said thanks for the chatting I gotta run. And asked for an idea for return to Maine . He replied early Nov . I said ok have a good day.. He said thanks you too. I care about you. I replied Same
I am feeling hopeful but not over the moon. I think my feelings are in check. So .... This is a good first step yes? I played the situation pretty good ? Yes? Feedback anyone? Thanks in adavnce!
Last edited by lonelee; 10/15/2404:40 PM. Reason: Mis spelling
Married 1991 D 32 GD 12 D 30 GD 3 S 29 M 58 S 57 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person New bomb 09/24 I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
Hes trying to have his cake and eat it too. You are not giving him direct consequences for his actions. You should have zero contact with him, hes perfectly comfortable in the situation he has with you now, so theres no incentive for him to realize he messed up and he feels no need to take your marriage and how serious this situation is. You need to make him feel like losing you is a very really and possible outcome of this. You need to talk to people you can confide in and seek out a therapist for yourself immediately. Do not talk to him about how you feel or try to change his mind, he is living in an altered state of infidelity induced reality. Anything you do to try to win him over will be seen in a comparative light to the other person. You should never have to compete for him nor will you benefit in any way whatsoever if you try. He sees you as the reason for his unhappiness in his clouded mind and the other person as the solution to his problem. Let his world collapse with the thought of losing you and everything else you built together. Focus on you first and foremost and then secondly on your children, be their support system but treat him like a stranger with no access to you. He is not your spouse anymore. Hes an acquaintance and a business partner and no more.
I understand what you are saying. I will continue on my journey of self reflection and distance. However, there are things needing to be discussed on occasion. Also, I thought what I was doing was maybe asking if these were baby steps in the right direction? Isn't that what the book asked us to do was to gauge if there were a reaction to the silent treatment?
Married 1991 D 32 GD 12 D 30 GD 3 S 29 M 58 S 57 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person New bomb 09/24 I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
Be business like in your interactions if you need to work out logistics of things. Also do not show any kind of emotions and do not let him use children as a gateway to get to you. Do not try to reason with him, or ask questions of why things happened, do not say I care about you or show him affection that he does not deserve. These things are all hard to do and DB is about doing things counterintuitively, a lot of us came here too late in the process and we made these mistakes because we all thought we could get through to them, or fix things. If you have feelings to share do not do it with him, a good therapist makes all the difference. You are taking baby steps but you have to detach more. I know its not easy but you didnt break this man and no excuse he uses is validx you cannot convince him to see the error in his ways. Seeing he might lose you and seeing you improve yourself is the only path forward for you. Do more activities with your children and work on your health and get out of your comfort zone.
Married 1991 D 32 GD 12 D 30 GD 3 S 29 M 58 S 57 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person New bomb 09/24 I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
I’m sorry you’re back for another spell. Looks like H is continuing his pattern of bomb dropping.
Originally Posted by lonelee
So .... This is a good first step yes? I played the situation pretty good ? Yes?
You have made good first steps. Letting him reach out to you, keeping your emotions in check, not pleading or begging or such, etc.
Do continue. Focus on you.
Detachment is the single best thing you can do for yourself.
Originally Posted by lonelee
I confronted him with some lying about the last six months he said it was not his intentions didn't plan it etc. I asked how in was supposed to trust him now? He said you'll believe what you'll believe. I said why wouldn't I why shouldn't I please explain. He said he had no intention of falling for this person, I wasn't looking for it in was perfectly happy I let my guard down.
He is trying to gaslight you, to bamboozle you. “Let his guard down”. BS. Loyalty, faithfulness, and such tenets are lived, are within, are part of a person; one doesn’t have to have their guard up like they’re going to get blindsided by some sucker punch. Most of these folks go looking for it.
Originally Posted by lonelee
I'm worried about your migraines. I responded after heavy thought that they essentially will cont until some things resolve or get discussed further . Kids finances insurance etc he said he gets it lots to work through. Exactly. Hard to do at a distance .
This stuff does take a toll. Do not allow your health - mental, emotional, financial, etc. - to suffer too much.
Dig deep for patience. Go dark. Live and love your life. As if H isn’t coming back. Find your peace.
H is in lala land for the moment. High on infatuation. Anything you try to do to dissuade him will only push him onward. Let go the rope. Or be dragged.
Now, financially. Speak with a lawyer. H was constructing a house for you two. Find out the debts and assets that you are responsible for and entitled to. Dig into all accounts/ pensions/ etc. You may need to consider removing your half from the equation. Unhappy straying spouses can burn through a life time of savings pretty quickly.
If you need financial protection or security - get it!
Doing so will not prevent Divorce Busting efforts. Remember, you have a lot of life to live and fund.
Again, I am sorry you are here again.
I do look forward to conversing with you.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you . I appreciate all of the insights and support I can get right now. I have a call into a lawyer. I am making my own copies of anything important I can find in the house .
This forum will be a source of support until we inform our children, I really cannot use friends or family yet. He states he doesn't have a plan as of yet and doesn't see a reason why things should change. He states Just stay married he'll keep me on the property and if he dies it'll go to me, which is the right thing to do, as far as the houses , we each have one . He wants me to enroll him in my health insurance again for next year which I have to decide by Oct 29. He states he doesn't have a plan yet for telling our adult children, really ?? what are you doing and thinking then ??? It is hard waiting another 24 days for a return visit to Maine to have th type discussions and with the with kids but I think that's better than a call or text ? I really don't know. So hard and confusing.
I agree I think he's just living in lalala land in a a MLC/OW affair and isn't taking time to think about the seriousness of all of this like I have to. It stinks!!!
Married 1991 D 32 GD 12 D 30 GD 3 S 29 M 58 S 57 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person New bomb 09/24 I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
Sorry you find yourself here . I may not be the right person to give advice as I recently came back to the boards for a second round . One suggestion I would mention is H does not have a plan . Do not make one for him . I went through this a few months ago . H saying he’s moving out and wanted a clear plan . My response was I’ll cross that bridge when we get there and hung up phone politely . I gave him no information . On a side note I protected everything . I own the home prior to marriage .I did not place any funds in joint accounts and continued maintaining the status quo of what I was doing just from my own accounts and even though he has remained home . I have placed minimal in those accounts . Make no long term decisions based off of 20 days . Take time , a lot of time . Your husband doesn’t want anything to change with you? H seems like a cake eater . Most try to be . They want A partner and a solid foundation to run to for security .Some one posted on one of my threads don’t take the bread crumbs . My suggestion goes to you too . Do you want bread crumbs? Sending you lots of hugs . You got this .
Thank you . I appreciate any and all comments and suggestions because I'm so emotional right now. I need and am asking for support and guidance on this difficult journey.
Married 1991 D 32 GD 12 D 30 GD 3 S 29 M 58 S 57 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person New bomb 09/24 I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
One of the hardest parts for many of us is getting some control over emotions . I remember not being able to think straight and I still have moments like that . It does get a little better each day . What do you enjoy doing or have wanted to do and haven’t tried ? Try to get out and about a bit more . Learn to ignore phone calls and messages . I don’t know if it was here or somewhere else I learned it but I set the 2 hr rule . If it’s not an emergency and I want to respond most times I wait 2hrs . I have some younger children so those I respond to if needed . If it’s not a question don’t respond . H wants nothing to change but it has for you . You are worth more than a BD number 4 or a person to have when he needs . If you want a chuckle I travel once in awhile a distance for work not overnight but can be long day here or there . I give H limited knowledge of where I am now . I used to give everything . I think he planted a tracker or recorder in my car . Man is worried I’m planning the great escape on him over here .
