Grief and Gratitude, Grok - Shifting

[Caligirl]

Grok

Glad to hear the powers back on . Get cooking for those kids . Keep checking in .

[grok]

Grok

Glad to hear the powers back on . Get cooking for those kids . Keep checking in .

Yeah, a camp stove works...but thawed frozen spring rolls and french fries and chicken breasts and so on aren't quite the same. Tacos and pancakes worked well thought

Oven, microwave, air fryer, stove, insta-pot, ... make rice, Mac-n-Cheese, green beans, croissants (from a can), and so on much easier. Coffee too!

Kids grumbling about how much extra dishwashing needed in cold water...but now the dishwasher works and water is hot. I just laugh in Gen X.

g

[grok]

Well! This has been quite the week! My Milton story… in parts.

BLUF: We are all safe, only minor damage to property. No power Wed 11:30p - Sun 5:30a. Fuel not available or difficult until this Mon. evening. Early there was only two stations with lines more than a mile long each. Water is still on.

I’ve been through plan, prepare, execute, recover with crises and disasters before. I know how to do this and I think came through very well. I have my little list from my own personal After Action Review (AAR) of things I could do better in the future. Still, came through with only discomfort ongoing. Nothing serious.

Monday:

Some telework done for most of the day. Making sure I have food and water for a week if needed. Camp stove has enough fuel. Flashlights and batteries. Get all laundry done for…once the power goes out.

I’m watching the storm track for consistent trends. I follow a lot of partially processed data and models. And a couple of weather folks I feel play it straight. I check my analysis and start to set my thresholds on what I am comfortable with. I plan on riding it out at my house unless they are passed. I am in an evacuation zone A, but those general purpose zones do not take into account any local features specific to my home. i.e. built on fill to raise the foundation to 11.5ft over sea level, dense trees behind up to our roof level, and houses on either side just 10 feet away. This provide substantial protection from wind and flooding.

XW Messages

”Let’s swap. L’s mom has a master bedroom which is too much for one me. You and the kids go there and I will stay with the animals because I have acquired a cat from a friend who is out of town and MirBay is likely to be slammed. I am going to get the cat after I fill the car. Milton is a beast. The house should be fine. The kids will feel safer with you and the animals will feel safer with me.”

”Fill the car at my RV. I have a full tank of gas. “

”May I drop a small stash of electronics and kids papers at the house?”

I didn’t message back. I let it sit first.

She comes by in the evening before I reply and asks to stash some things. I say sure.

I don’t answer the first part about her staying in my home as she didn’t ask while here. It feels like other reasons are behind it…maybe she obligated herself to care for the cat and now has no place for it. I’ll leave with my kids if I determine it unsafe and I’ll stay if I determine it to be safe.

g

[grok]

Tuesday:

Cleanup
Kids and I pick up the outside to prevent yard missiles from being generated. 100+ mph winds can throw a lot of things…. OOooof that was a lot of stuff. The little back yard has been turned into chicken and amateur garden areas and had many years of stuff laying around. Table and bench layed flat on the porch. Potted plants put on top. Made space in the garage for all the supplies and equipment. Hoses taken off. Filled the trash can with old stuff I’m not keeping.

D19 SHRIEKS! ”Dad! Dad! I think I squished a mouse!”
G, “What?! What are you talking about D19?”

There had been some mice I was trying to get rid of from our porch. They had been hiding in a pile of posts. Earlier I had moved the posts since D19 didn’t want to come near a mouse and I saw one scurry away.

D19 excitedly, “I was trying to move this and I saw it and got scared and dropped it and I think it landed on it!” It being a bale of peat moss that was soaking wet and pretty heavy.

Sure enough, when I later moved the bale the next day, there was a flat mouse. She did squish it!

Prep cont
We stock the freezers with 10+ gallons of water to freeze. We fill all the water containers we have in case water service goes out. We have toilet paper and shovel available for digging a pit toilet if necessary.

After checking the latest Milton data, I decide it is still likely to be OK riding out the storm at home so long as trends continue away from us. There is still a lot of uncertainty though and it bothers me. I will check tomorrow’s 5am and 11am data sets. If the trend continues away then we are OK. If it doesn’t then we should leave. I’m looking for consistent trends of a Cat 3 before it hits land and consistent movement south of our location.

XW Messages in the evening

She sends a screenshot of her reply to my mom (who inquired after her safety). She replies to my mom: that she has a place to go, it has room for me and kids, she can take pets and simply drive north.

”L’s mom has two rooms.  If you change your mind I can empty my trunk somewhere and haul pets north east.  It’s tracking further south but still likely to be nasty. “ 

”I can’t take the chickens but I can take the dogs and bunny and birds if I know enough in advance.

An hour and a half later I reply. “Thank you for the offer. I will keep it as an option if I decide it is the better choice to leave. “

I try to validate and thank the genuine offer … but not respond to underlying currents seemingly attempting to influence my choices for her own reasons.

g

[grok]

Wednesday:

Crunch time

I’m up for the 5am update which shows the storm staying on last nights course and strength. Hum….. Not consistent movement south like I wanted. We are still in the cone. I am tempted to modify my earlier judgement. Instead I follow wisdom from my work…don’t change or modify the calm and soberly considered standards you chose before. I will delay final judgement until the 11am update. We will still have until 2p until stormy winds and rain and another 3hrs after that until hazardous conditions. It would only be a local overnight to higher ground. I will wake the kids in a bit to make all the prep to go. We can always stand down if it turns better.

XW

7:15a message ”I would like to stay at the house if you will allow it. I don’t think my heart will handle being away from the kids for something this big.

At 7:30 I head out to give big dog his morning walk. It is cool and calm with half the neighbors gone. I see XW’s van parked at the end of the street a few houses down. So….she drove over and has been here for how long? I don’t know. For a moment I feel like ignoring her for now and taking the dog on his walk. I chide myself, "g, that’s kinda avoidant of you. Face your pain. Do what you choose…and in line with who you choose to be and your values.”.

I walk over to the driver side and see her slumped against the window with her face in her hands.

G, calmly and slowly with consideration, ”Hey….. Go in the house.”

XW jumps slightly, and opens the door…setting off the car alarm in a completely silent and still neighborhood. She scrambles to figure out how to turn it off. Eventually she figures out to push to right button on the key fob. ”Go ahead…*sigh*…you can laugh at me,” she said with resignation and good humor apparently. She goes into my home and I go on the dog walk.

Go prep

As kids wake I tell them to build their go bags. Unless the 11am comes though substantially better, we are going. I’ll decide then. Put enough together for an overnight. I start sealing the back door and garage door to give a couple more feet of protection should flooding occur. Kids don’t want to leave any animals…even inside on the second floor. D19’s rabbit can go to family friends who originally found him. Chickens can go to one of D19’s friends who has chickens.

XW

XW ~11, ”Hey, I’ll take the dogs in my van and find somewhere else to go, even just north. “

G, ”OK. That is fine with me.”. She can choose what she wants.

XW ~11:15 ”Hey, I have to know if we’re going because I have to leave earlier. Are we going?”

I have a bunch of thoughts at this sequence. But STFU smoothie
- You are an adult woman who can do what she pleases.
- What "we?"
- You can choose to leave anytime.
- You divorced me, for OM, yet:
- She is looking for me the man, head of household to lead. Make the decisions.
- OM is no where to be found.

G, thinking for a moment, ”We ARE leaving unless I get definitive better news. You are to go now. Head out. If we get better news I’ll let you know.”

XW looking a little settled at course of action defined for her, ”OK. Love you D19, D17, S12. Come on dogs.”

I hand her the bin with dog food, dog baggies, dog bowls. Off she goes.

Departure

I look at D19 who had been watching, ”You know any of you can go with her.”

D19, ”Are you nuts? Besides…. I don’t want us kids to be separated….at all.”

Oh. And in line with various kids statements several times over the last few weeks. Every time one of them has said the word “family” it meant the four of us. It seems the underlying current is us four are “family” and mom is just mom. I kind of expected this when they live 100% with me. Still not sure how I feel.

We load D17’s birds into my little truck and strap the chickens in the bed. We load D19’s bunny into her car. We load overnight stuffs. D19 and D17 take my truck to go drop off chickens. I take D19’s little car to drop off bunny. We’ll meet at L’s mom’s house in about an hour and a half. Driving rain. Roads empty. Not hazardous yet.

Overnight

I call L’s mom, a single older lady, to touch base and make sure all is well. I didn’t know her before this.

L’s Mom, ”You are welcome here. I have a couple of others staying over. Would you pick up one of them and his dog up in a while? And where is your W going if she isn’t coming here?”

G thinking…be without fear, be kind, ”I’ll be happy to pick him and his dog up. I’ll wait until D19 and D17 get there with the truck though. And … W is now XW. She left me last year for someone else. She left my home with our dogs earlier and I don’t know where she is going.”

L’s Mom, ”Oh…. That’s hard…. I understand… I experienced some of that when I was 14. Well, she’s a grown woman and makes her own choices. She can worry about where she is going.”

It was us four, a man and his dog+cat, and a woman that L’s mom worked with. It was a pleasant evening getting to know them and ended with the man and us four playing UNO … with special rules my kids play such as +2 and +4 cards are stackable!

L’s mom gave us the master bedroom with large bed. D19 and D17 decided they would sleep on the sides with S12 in the middle. They crashed out pretty quick after we quit UNO. I slept on one end of the couch with the man on the other end.

g

[MamaG]

G - I have so much to learn from you. While I get emotional, you provide me with chuckles. I sat here and laughed on a couple of comments. You are quite a writer. Love how you set the stage leading up to the funny.

And D's response - are you nuts? Love it. They too have come a long way.

Nice job taking XW in stride. And, interesting that she turned to you to be the calm in the storm - pun intended. SMH

Nice to be reminded of all the wonderful people in this world - she opened her house and gave your family the master. Poor kindness. And you got a fun UNO night with a new friend, too.

I'll assume you're back home at this point, especially with this sense of humor.

Take care.

[DnJ]

Good Morning g

You and the kids weathered this adventure well. Nice going Dad!

D19, ”Are you nuts? Besides…. I don’t want us kids to be separated….at all.”

Lol.

Also, doesn’t get much clearer than that.

Every time one of them has said the word “family” it meant the four of us. It seems the underlying current is us four are “family” and mom is just mom.

That is how it is for my brood as well. Remain the strong and stable rock g.

I have a bunch of thoughts at this sequence. But STFU smoothie
- You are an adult woman who can do what she pleases.
- What "we?"
- You can choose to leave anytime.
- You divorced me, for OM, yet:
- She is looking for me the man, head of household to lead. Make the decisions.
- OM is no where to be found.

Well done holding your tongue.

However, yes, where was OM during XW’s stress? Shrug. Such is such a relationship built upon sand.

Have a great day g!

D

[grok]

Side XW storm notes I forgot.

After the storm in draft. Time to make dinner for the kids. Bacon crumbled into Mac-n-cheese + Broccoli sprouts.

Other XW remarks this last week to which I stayed STFU smooth.

”Last weeks hurricane, I stayed in the RV Park clubhouse. If I stayed this time I’d be dead with the predicted flood surge.”

I had no idea. I didn’t ask. I wondered where her friends were. I wondered where OM was. I wondered if she was trying to prove something on her own. I let it go.

”I moved my stuff out of the RV into my storage units, but I don’t know if I’ll have ANYTHING left after this. NOTHING to come back to.”

I stayed with versions of “OK” or STFU.

Does she have insurance on any of it? I don’t know.

In a short side conversation with D19 about the RV she says, ”I think she does, but honestly, it would be better if it got wiped out.”

Side XW FB notes I forgot.

On FB social media I posted the quote about "a death has occurred" on the date of the court order. Later it occurred to me XW might see it. Huh. It occurred to me later.... I looked in my friends list and didn't see her there anymore. Hmmm...I guess she unfriended me? I had been chatting a bit with the maid-of-honor that week as she is an old friend of mine also. I checked her friend list and XW is not there. ???

I hadn't seen posts from or checked her postings for six months or more. I forget now. I debated briefly with myself about checking now. Why would I? I decided to check just briefly. She is in my life because of our kids. Having a general awareness is important for them at least. And I was curious.

- Not listed by her name anymore, although the direct link has her name if you know it.
- Display name is a steampunk style nickname (historically a minor noble) I gave her many many years ago
- Friends list is blank, NONE listed.
- A series of posts from early September railing against those who she believes to be persecuting her.
- Stating she is not giving up on OM until he tells her directly to go away and doesn't love her.
- Stating she doesn't need anyone's help.
- Stating they are all hypocrites to condemn her behavior.

I closed the tab. I feel no need to look more. I think she is ... In a rowboat in the storm. I feel no need to look again either. I wasn't sure what I would feel.

g

[grok]

...Milton part next…

Late Wed evening, about 1130p the power finally went out. Annoyingly for us modern folks, so did internet access. Both the household and cellular internet went down. No more news for us. We shared another glass of wine LOL.

After those games of UNO, we went to bed (well the couch for me) listening to the wind howl and thumps on the roof from oak branches falling down. We all prayed for only small ones hitting the roof. I loaned a sleeping bag to the other man. In the end, this wind would be about the same as if I had stayed in my house. The storms path took it near to both locations.

Thursday

morning

In the wee hours of the morning I check on everything. Ever since my three were colic ridden infants (how does 18 months of that sound?), I have not been able to easily sleep through the night. I have to check all is well. … I find D19 just about falling out of the bed and almost in tears.

D19, ” Daaaaaad. They keep rolling over and spreading out and pushing me off the bed. HEEEEELP … please.’

Yeah, S12 spreads out all over…and D17 wasn’t helping on the other side.

G, ”Look D19, just shove them over. Stop worrying about them being asleep. “. And so I did. D17 woke partly and looked at me skeptically but moved over when I whispered. S12 never woke. And D19 had space. Yeah….some years of parenting and you just stop worrying about some things.

D19 whispers, ”thanks dad”

Coffee that morning was a little more difficult. I hadn’t thought it through and neither had they….although we had all the right supplies at home. Oh well. Multiple rounds with a little hand grinder, and water in a boiling pot on a camp stove …. Pour it through a strainer. LOL.

A venture outside showed branches large and small everywhere. One neighbor had a large oak tree fallen over into the driveway…right up against the house. Their back yard has a tree fallen over into an upright tree…but some of the branches are resting on their roof. I see another fallen over down the street.

I walked down the street to take a look and talk with other who are out. I hear news. The main road is blocked by downed trees and downed power lines. Some of the ways out are blocked by flooding. Just too much rain to drain away quickly.

OK! After a little food and coffee I round up my three and go outside with the others to attack initial cleanup. The whole neighborhood is doing the same. Piling debris at the curb. I start seeing a variety of off road vehicles roaming around. Those who have chain saws are out and about helping everyone. About 10 people congregate at the neighbor with the oak in the driveway. … and 30 minutes later all the small/medium limbs are chopped up at the curb … while two guys with larger trucks and chains pull the main trunk out of the driveway. We pick up their back yard and the other neighbor’s yard too.

After this I send the kids in to get ready to leave. It’s almost noon and we have cleared up our host’s place and her neighbors. I figure the main roads are likely cleared enough to drive. People are just getting it done. No waiting for some notional official services. We’ll pick up the bunny and chickens on the way, taking the risk all is OK for them at home.

jewlery

D19, ”Dad, Neighbor C just offered to give us jewelry he makes as a thank you for all the cleanup we did. He said come into his house to see. I was a bit creeped, but then he said go ask your dad first. So I think it’s OK if you come with us.”.

Hmmm… Well done D19. I said it was fine and went to talk to C. He says, ”yeah, I am so impressed by your kids. They all helped willingly and cheerfully without any asking. They are amazing. I make jewelry on the side and wanted to thank and encourage them. I told them to ask you because I don’t want them or you to think I have any other reason.”.

I talk with him a while. He’s still attached to his last XW from two years ago. Even though he caught her ”fvck’n some 25 year old”. …. “It still feels like cheating to think of someone else.”. Huh…No DB to help him. He’s a bit of a pot head, has some disabilities, has a bird named Crue after the band Motley Crue, has a signed guitar on the wall, makes jewelry out of things like bear skulls. …. We did go in and D19 / D17 selected earrings. His custom jewelry art is creative and very well done.

return

XW calls and talks with Ds as I had hands full. She drops the dogs off at my home and reports a little water in the entryway… thinking water had flooded up to the house and entered a little. I think this strange and unlikely given the path of the eye…but remain STFU.

After we pack up, our host sends us home with two plastic tubs. One of soup…and one of pancake batter. Ready to go. Kind and thoughtful. Onwards to home. It takes a while though. Stoplights are NOT working and not everyone understands the 4 way stop rule. Detours are made because trees are blocking roads and not cut up yet. Online maps are not working. Power lines laying in flooded waters…

Our little neighborhood has several oaks down, lots of branches. No signs of flood surge though. Sure enough, water in the front door was just driving rain through the seals. Power is OUT. Water is ON. And we have a lot of pickup and put away to do. I make pancakes while kids bring in the stuff, we eat, put away some, and kids all fall asleep on the living room floor. I go outside to do more recovery.

XW

XW drives up late afternoon and walks towards the front door. I glance up as I work, ”the kids are all asleep on the floor…”. XW looking tired, ”I just need a bathroom”. I just continue my cleanup as she goes in the house.

I go back inside an hour plus later. I don’t see her downstairs and the kids are still asleep amongst pillows on the floor. Huh…. Eventually S12 wakes and snacks and eventually finds XW upstairs. I hear murmuring for a bit and he comes back down. Hours pass and D19, D17 wake up and we all make dinner, eat and chill downstairs.

Eventually D17 realizes, “hey, momma is upstairs? What is she doing here? How long has she been here”

G, pausing, answering straight, “I have no idea what she is doing. She came over many hours ago while you were all asleep.”

I suspect she is sleeping on S12s bed. I have not checked or asked. Just go about my evening. All three kids just give me a look that seems to be “shrug,” and go about their evening downstairs. I found it...curious... none of them felt the need to go hang out with her.

She eventually comes down and says goodbye to the children. 9p ish? I stay STFU. She probably WAS very tired. I suspect (and don’t ask) she stayed in her van all night with the dogs after driving north out of the storms path and back again. I keep thinking of L’s mom, “well, she’s a grown woman and makes her own choices.“ I guess I do too.

We planned going to sleep downstairs, all splayed out on the floor, as that is normally cooler with no AC. After the storm has passed though, cooler air is present, and we discover it is better to open all the windows at night and sleep in our own beds.

Zzzzzzz

g

[grok]

holding it together

D17 came over to me yesterday (not to mom? hmmm) to talk about her hair...and school pictures...and curls made by braids. The discussion moved into what hair styles I and my sisters had as kids. Ah Ha! I have pictures. And so I brought out a box of prints, sorry D17, no digital cameras yet! 80's hair styles. Clothes. I've had hair down to my waist for a few years ... Just to try it out. LOL.

D17, "hey! those are envelopes from Target. enough from "Payless" Show me those"

Sure...Adventures at Lake Powell, motorcycles, etc... pictures of XW. and me. 20 years ago having adventures. the hair and clothes 🙂

I kept it together and showed her.

then ... had to be alone for a while

more things to put away ... sealed ... marked don't open until you know

it all ties together

Listening to random from my entire Plex server this morning -

Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain by Willie Nelson

Love is like a dying ember
And only memories remain
And through the ages I'll remember
Blue eyes crying in the rain

Some day when we meet up yonder
We'll stroll hand-in-hand again
In a land that knows no parting
Blue eyes crying in the rain

Except...it is MY eyes that are blue.

So. This morning I PRAY

Wartime Prayers by Paul Simon

Times are hard, it's a hard time
But everybody knows all about hard times
The thing is, what are you going to do?
Will you cry?
And try to muscle through?
And try to rearrange your stuff?
But when the wounds are deep enough
And it's all that we can bear
We wrap ourselves in prayer

Because you cannot walk with the holy
If you're just a halfway decent man
But I don't pretend that I'm a mastermind
With a genius marketing plan
I'm trying to tap into some wisdom
Even a little drop would do
I want to rid my heart of envy
And cleanse my soul of rage
Before I'm through

g

afterthought
I pray for the day soon when I feel I can select a new name for my series of posts...my set of folders for all the documents in this tragedy...my collected bookmarks. I don't think I've ever said. Internally I have them all in folders named

NULL

Latin ne=not ullus=any ... emptiness ... the void