I would also check your computers (at home) to see if he has planted something on them. Check your cell phones for trackers. They are very easy to install.
Do not think for one minute that they wouldn't do this. My xh did this with my email and how I found out was when his mother called and told me about a couple of conversations that I had with someone from this Board. Once I knew about it, I began searching and found the culprit and removed the command. Boy was he angry not being able to know what I was posting to others.
They become the exact opposite of the people you once knew and trust me...they lie very well.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am trying to remain focused on detaching, this is very hard. Spouse has texted me first many days this week. I usually wait to respond by an hour to two depending on the question. I typically respond with little input as to not engage. He has been very kind, offering to take care of me, referred to me via my pet name from him and acting as though he is concerned. Also just asking random questions for my input on things. He has also begun chatting in a group chat we had with friends that he had stopped doing at the onset of his leaving as well. (It's been 24 days however it feels like it's been at least 3 months) Of course this all has me confused and guessing what he is up to. I want to ask but I don't want to ask. I think I should just continue to be nonchalant and continue to see what unfolds. What are your thoughts? please and thanks.
Married 1991 D 32 GD 12 D 30 GD 3 S 29 M 58 S 57 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person New bomb 09/24 I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
It is hard and doesn’t feel right . My take on the group chat is they either avoid or try to save face . He is trying to alleviate guilt by say “I’ll take care of you “. There are some really good members on here who gave me some what I call stern advice on not responding or how to respond . At first I listened to everything H was just spewing . It took some time to just learn how to shut that down . I see your children are older . Exactly what type of input is he asking for ? If it’s random and has no significant impact on you or children at that very moment I wouldn’t even respond and go completely dark . I found when I gave a few examples I got useful feedback .
He just asking general questions about stuff here in maine. Unfinished business that was started before he left. Nothing kid related except for one thing he could have waited to see in our family chat but asked me instead. I had a procedure with anesthesia and he wanted me to let him know "when I wake up!!". That's where the " I'll take care of you" came from. And then he had made some chainsaw carving gnomes when he was home and asked if I thought they would make any money ? Just general conversation stuff. We havent had any real type conversations other than what I had reported the other day about how he felt we had stopped trying to please each other and letting ourselves slip into old habits . That he let his guard down etc. And I didn't offer much I just let him speak and didn't ask questions of him because I'm not sure that I should. Even though there's many I want to.
Married 1991 D 32 GD 12 D 30 GD 3 S 29 M 58 S 57 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person New bomb 09/24 I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
I think I should just continue to be nonchalant and continue to see what unfolds.
Focus on you. GAL. H needs to feel the loss before he will/might turn back.
Originally Posted by lonelee
I didn't offer much I just let him speak and didn't ask questions of him because I'm not sure that I should. Even though there's many I want to.
Good job. You are correct in not asking him a bunch of questions (or pleading, begging, etc.). That stuff is pressure to these folks. Too much pressure and H will run right out the door.
If he offers dialog, just listen and offer no solutions. Validating his feelings is a good idea, while remaining pressure-free. To be clear, that doesn’t mean you become a doormat to be walked all over. No way! You employ rock-solid boundaries against disrespectful behaviour, and still be kind and cordial.
And know, boundaries will be tested. H will push and prod and run head long into your boundaries. Let him. And do not waiver. Your boundaries are for you. People will treat you as you let them.
Keep any conversations business-like and/or with a generic feel. Utilize the 24-48 hour rule: Allow yourself 24-48 hours before responding. This allows you time to calm your emotions and answer from a place of reason and detachment. It also allows you time to decided if you actually need to respond. Those general questions from H, is him trying to assuage his guilt. No need to reply to that stuff. Let him feel the loss.
It takes time for H to burn through his anger/feelings towards you. Some of his texts and stuff will be him trying to re-ignite his feelings. Don’t take his bait.
Going dim/dark is for your mental/emotional health first and foremost. Coupled with 24-48 hours, which will limit conversations, and in time H might come up with: “Hey, lone hasn’t been bugging me for a while, and I’m still upset. Hmmm, maybe she’s not the cause after all.” And maybe H starts looking inward. Or maybe he redoubles his upset-ness and blame and justifications. Shrug, you cannot control him, only yourself.
Time is a gift. And you have the gift of time. Use it wisely.
Focus on you. Dig for patience.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I was weak and I sent a text that said . I am sorry for my part in the breakdown of our relationship and he replied . " You did nothing wrong" he asked if we could talk tomorrow. I want to ask him if he is texting because he is working things through for himself or if he is reconsidering his choices but I'm not sure if I should . I also want to tell him that all though i appreciate his concern I cannot have daily communication with him because it is giving me false hope. I want to tell him unless he wants to re consider his choices and discuss those then I would be willing to have that conversation. But I'm afraid of that too. I don't want to push too soon if he is working on things.
1 - is it too soon for me to confront him about texting me if he is re considering ? 2- or do I just tell him that I cannot have daily interaction because I need my space to move on with out him. 3- do I continue to do the same withdraw, not text first , be business like and not show any emotion but be a friend, be cordial and kind?
This is so HARD!!!!!!! Help me get THROUGH THIS! I appreciate your support!
Married 1991 D 32 GD 12 D 30 GD 3 S 29 M 58 S 57 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person New bomb 09/24 I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
Yes, this stuff is difficult. And counterintuitive; it will feel wrong. Hang in there, you will get through it.
My two cents:
Originally Posted by lonelee
1 - is it too soon for me to confront him about texting me if he is re considering ?
I know you want answers. However, do not confront him. Besides, it’s just words from him. Actions speak louder than words. And these folks will lie and manipulate. H is the opposite of who you once knew. Believe nothing he says, and only half of what he does.
Originally Posted by lonelee
2- or do I just tell him that I cannot have daily interaction because I need my space to move on with out him.
No need to tell him. Go dim/dark.
I totally get you needing space to heal and find detachment. Telling him to do something is trying to control him/the situation. You cannot.
You can only control three things: your thoughts, your actions, and your reactions.
Therefore, to not have daily interaction with H, put all correspondence - texts, emails, voice mails - from him into a pile and deal with it once a week.
Once a week, maybe every Wednesday evening, you look at whatever texts/emails he has sent. Sort them into stuff you need to answer - business type things - and the rest. Give yourself 24-48 hours to absorb the business stuff. 24-48 hours allows your emotions to calm; allows you to decide if you even need to reply; and for that you decide to reply to allows you do so from a place of logic and reason (you can even make a draft replies and run those by someone or even here, tweaking until satisfied).
Originally Posted by lonelee
3- do I continue to do the same withdraw, not text first , be business like and not show any emotion but be a friend, be cordial and kind?
Yes. I like this approach. Be businesslike. Utilize 24-48 hours to gather yourself before responding, choosing only to respond to that which requires a response. Do continue being kind and cordial. Not friendly, more treating him like you would the grocery store clerk. Polite. To the point.
H needs time and space to sort himself out. Give him plenty of both. Don’t worry, when H is ready, you’ll know.
You be busy. Focused on you, kids, and grandkids. GAL. Be dim/dark. Let H wonder what’s going on. Live/love your life.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you for your response, I appreciate it very much! I guess I'm doing ok, all things cosidered. My heart and my head are so torn . I am really anxious too as our anniversary is on Saturday and I'm already dreading the time. Gal is a little hard because we have not told anyone yet. I have one friend I can speak with and this board for support. I want people to know but then again I don't want people to know. I'm scared and lonley! I am also currently out of work so I have a lot of time on my hands that is not healthy for my mind. I need a new daily routine!! I am keeping a daily journal and I am reading a lot but I've run out of books speaking to this way of working a seperation. I just got the five love languages and the men are from mars women from Venus book, I am willing to take suggestions on other reading material. Thank you again all!
I need a new daily routine ...I need a new daily routine...I need a new daily routine
Married 1991 D 32 GD 12 D 30 GD 3 S 29 M 58 S 57 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person New bomb 09/24 I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
A new daily routine will help . Just getting outside and venturing off for a walk . My dog I swear is my new unofficial emotional support animal . Will go just about anywhere with me in my truck .
The I don’t want to tell people or them to know is just tough . I did not go blasting my H affair but I did lean on my close circle . The anxiety these stitches cause can be hard to handle . It is hard not to reach out to your H for support because that is what you have always done . Lots of space . Lots of space . They need it but mostly you do . Listening and knowing when to cut off toxic or unhealthy conversations takes time . I had one a few weeks ago . H was going on about something . I don’t even remember what , that’s how much it didn’t bother me . I said if you keep going I will hang up . H said go ahead and hang up to almost taunt me . Didn’t even flinch . I hung up . And no I didn’t answer the calls when he tried to call back . H came home later and said sorry I was way out of line . I swear they are like children . Hasn’t happened again . You will see a slow shift of you set the tone for communication . Trust me they will push the limits on it . One thing that was helpful was a member suggested boundaries . I picked a few that were just for me . If the random texts are causing more anxiety as DNJ said cut them off and lump them into once a week or do not engage in it . Hang in there . You got this !
My husband is such a dumb individual! He started texting me as I stated previously, and saying all these things that of course I wanted to hear from him. I was actually thinking he was having second thoughts. In his mind HE thought he was helping me by telling me about all the great things we had and wondering if he was making a mistake. DUH. But then said well I'm not saying I'm NOT going to stop seeing her. I totally fell for it. I forgot the believe nothing what they say and half of what they do. I actually asked him if he was that dumb, to think that he was actually helping me by saying all the good stuff about us. I stated it was BS. And that all of that was him helping himself feel better! It has been a difficult time for me being embarrassed and humiliated thinking he was changing! To top it off it was our 33 anniversary this past weekend and we did some chatting it was highly emotional for me. He stated out of respect for me he was spends the whole day alone. So BIG of him!
So here I am starting ground zero again and I'm really mad at him and myself because before he started texting me I was starting to feel a bit better like I had more control over my emotions and now I feel deflated! However, I know if I can do it once I can do it again!! I just need to stay furious at him for ONCE in my damn life!!!
Again I appreciate any additional support you all can give because I literally feel very alone in this journey. I have reached out for counselling, and am waiting for call backs as I'm looking for additional support and coping strategies.
Thank you all for listening, again
Married 1991 D 32 GD 12 D 30 GD 3 S 29 M 58 S 57 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person New bomb 09/24 I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
