Time away from the kids does me no good at all . Causes me quite a bit of anxiety along with them asking when I’ll be home every hour or so . I do a hybrid job . It’s on ongoing joke when I have to go out for meetings . Within 5 mins of anyone being home they start . Where are you ? How long are you going to be ? I miss you . They are only small for just so long . I embrace it more than steer away from it . They for a very long time only had one truly consistent parent so maybe I am just a bit more understanding of it . “We” as in surprisingly both of us planned some things to do with the kids overnight in January . The man who begrudgingly told everyone how I spent all his money on vacations now actively has planned 3 different things in the upcoming 6 months . One is a 5 day with just me and him . I will mentally prepare the children prior . Just to chime in on vacations if anyone needs a laugh today ,his parents brought it up to me after A was dropped . How I travel and spend so much money doing it . I said I travel with our children . I invest in their childhood memories .I could have went and got a side piece like your son and blown thousands on hotels but instead I ignored his non sense and spent time with “our” children while he bedded another woman . I will say his mother cracked up and said travel as much as you want 😀. His father dropped the topic as fast as he said it . Talk about a truth dart .
This entire process is just work . I’m getting older and tired of working at something that causes me utter pain . I used to have mounds of forgiveness and positive outlooks on marriage . I know part of DB is finding the best version of yourself . I still have mounds of forgiveness and positive outlooks just not with him currently.
Just like you said grok . Commitment . I have strong values on this . I’m still here . The intrusive thoughts used to be more of that sharp pain . Now they seem to be more I look at him and see someone pitiful. One thing that keeps me a bit grounded is I can see just how wrecked he is by what he has caused . Arrogance has been gone for awhile now .I can see guilt and his ambition to make his wife his priority along with his children . I do have that soft spot . I could not imagine if the shoes were reversed coming home and looking at someone I emotionally destroyed . That would eat me alive . I do sometimes think about that . What he must be going through. Is he as solid as he appears .
I think about getting to that point of peace with him . If I make it through this . I have done counseling on a few occasions with him and without him . This round I have some very supportive friends who are just rock solid. Keep me from running far far away !
The one thing mainly I’m noticing is I am struggling still just to talk . I don’t cry often . But last night I laid in bed with tears just running down my face . H didn’t see and still doesn’t know . It was pitch black . At some point he grabbed my hand and felt me squeeze it back . H just said..I’m here. I have this awful habit of not wanting to hurt anyone or bother them . I thought it’s late he has work early not the time . I’ll just cry in silence . This is something I need to work on . It’s not that he won’t listen . I just can’t get it out to even say anything . I remember valseka when I first posted telling me to put my oxygen mask on first and breathe. I still think about that post often .
Definitely put the oxygen mask on first. You have been to "go to" person for a long time and have been super strong for your children. They are still young and don't understand what you have been through and are still going through.
Maybe I missed something along the way, but have you thought about putting down in writing how you feel? Sometimes, I would be so out of it, that pen and paper helped me get my thoughts together. You don't have to share them with him unless you want to.
We are always here for you. We do understand what you are going through. Again, I wish that I could give you a hug.
Be kind and gentle to yourself. Take it one day at a time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I could try writing . Just to organize. I’m in school for my doctorate and I dread writing . No idea how I even survived last semester and did very well . I’m very much enjoying the few week break . I refuse to give up on higher education for myself and continue to grow . It’s also nice having more financial stability if things go way south again . I never have to worry about supporting my children again . There’s so much that when you first post in the initial shock you don’t talk about . When are children were younger I stayed home to raise them . It was hard but I would never change it . It also plays a huge role in why the children are very attached . It was just me and them . All day everyday . H also was not very supportive. Almost to the point of abusive when it came to money and he felt entailment to doing what he wanted when he wanted. Not always but many times over the years I was the reason to blame for everything when it came to finances. He has apologized numerous times for mistakes when the children were younger but I saw some of that come to light again when A was dropped . Hence his parents talking about how I spend money . In my opinion it’s none of their business . Also in A partners letter it was mentioned several times .
Some of the things that run through my head and hurt are not even the physical aspects of the A. Last year for my birthday I saw this picture I really liked for the bedroom . Was a little more than I wanted to pay . I causally talked to H about it . Nothing crazy just ehhh it would look nice bla bla bla . On my birthday which I will say is usually a disaster . H consistently has ruined it for years . I walked downstairs and the picture was there . I was kinda taken back and second guessed myself . Was I going nuts thinking he’s cheating ? Maybe I was overthinking and he just really wanted to go out more with the guys . Maybe he’s been stressed . I felt so damn guilty looking at that picture . He listened to me . Maybe I’m the problem . Insert nausea the picture he bought was all in the A partners letter to me !!! In the letter it said about how I wanted it . When he bought it . Why he bought to shut me up for a few weeks and act like he cares so he can keep plotting to move out . The picture was thrown out months later in front of him when the letter came . The blank spot now on the wall he looks at often . His fault not mine . I’ll buy a picture one day while I’m out and about .
I won’t even begin to touch on the things in that letter that addressed what a bad parent I am . Because those are just unforgivable at the moment . When I read those to my father he legit spit out his coffee .
I know part of A are breaking down the other spouse to alleviate guilt but these were some serious doozies.
I try not to compare with other situations but another member posted an email he received from his wife who is asking for a divorce . Now granted she may be in a full blown A so I do know not to look so hard at it but it really spoke to me . I was and have not had an A and if I would have wrote an email to my H 6 months ago I could have cut copied and pasted that email almost identical. It made me really think about why am I still here . But my response was simple it’s a lot of work this will take considerable effort . When I look at H he is giving considerable effort so I’ll hang tight for now .
On a lighter note . I have so much vacation time I have to use up that I have a few days off and I’ll roll the rest for next year . I got loads of Christmas gifts already wrapped . H loves it . He has been active in helping which is a nice change . He really is enjoying Christmas time . Super excited to see some of my family that’s flying in and of course having all the kids together . Anxiously awaiting to kissing my nieces and nephews and of course my parents who I adore .
Enjoy your time off. Sounds like you are going to have a pleasant holiday with family and friends. Enjoy it! Live in the moment. Put the past in a box and up on a shelf for a while.
Merry Christmas and may the New Year be a far better one for you and your family.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
What a fun few days I had traveling all over . Lots of love for my kids and we gave lots of love to our huge family . Was so nice just seeing all the cousins together . The younger children are enjoying the new gagets and continuing to make a mess but tis the season . Post Christmas clean up continues .
I spent Christmas Eve with the parents and my siblings . I took a bit of a different path this year and decided to not make solid plans with H . He kept asking I just didn’t commit . We both have family in our area and it’s usually hurry through and get to both families . Feels rushed . I hate it .. I decided to live in the uncomfortable and do what was best for me . Maybe an hour before we were due to leave I suggested H gather whatever children want to go with him to his families first but I would only be going to my parents . This was not mean , even though as I’m writing it seems it . Majority of the kids chose to come with me . Few older ones went with him . I explained I did not want him to rush through his family to see mine . H saw his family and appreciated not feeling rushed to leave to make dinner with mine . H arrived later on at my families in a much better mood than years prior , HAPPY ! I had to chuckle because my family asked multiple times when he was coming . I finally blurted out you all seem more worried about H being here than I am . I hadn’t even looked at my phone for hours . When I did I had a message ,on my way . No need to respond he was on his way . It worked out way better , I was happy and H was happy . Though one of the older kids regretted going with dad instead of me . My family has the better food and presents hands down . The little one even told me as she says “on the secret” she picked my parents because she didn’t want to be late for presents . Just so darn cute , the littlest one .
I learned from Christmas that even in marriage you don’t have to do everything together . We still had our time alone with our children opening gifts . We still took them alone out to dinner on Christmas Day just us . It may have appeared to others we do things separately but it’s what works best for us .
The biggest shift with this holiday is the how H has been . Usually not as involved or annoyed . This year I noticed he was very involved . Even just carrying stuff in . Helping me organize . But mainly just taking it all in . We were alone on Christmas after kids went to bed just finally alone . H said I used to fear the day there would be no kids , just alone . It took me a long time to come to a place of knowing that my wife and children will always be here , I’m not alone, I have a great family . We did have a good laugh because he said I now fear the days of when we have grandkids because I thought you spoil our kids but I can only imagine what is to come .
